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lost in the waves

by Liminality, Arcticus, starlitmind

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334 Reviews

Points: 25600
Reviews: 334

Mon Jan 11, 2021 12:23 am
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whatchamacallit wrote a review...

Hi you three @Liminality @Arcticus @starlitmind! I loved your poem collab so I wanted to drop by with a quick review for you ^^

Aah wow I adore the imagery in the opening two stanzas. The idea of walking back and forth through a door frame, and then comparing that to waves lapping against a shore, is such a unique and unusual description - but it works super well and the image creates a bit of unease which suits this poem perfectly.

I also enjoyed the simple rhyming scheme; it creates a lovely flow between the lines, it's subtle so it doesn't create the feel of a nursery rhyme, and it doesn't compromise the line structure or imagery at all! Honestly I would expect no less from three such talented poets ;)

I have some more specific thoughts for most of the stanzas, so let's go through those as well!

we keep walking in and out
like waves moving to and fro at shore

So the images in this stanza convey a sense of tension, to me at least, and I feel like "walking" is a fairly neutral verb that doesn't do anything to add to this mood. I think something like "prowling" or "pacing" would be more specific and strengthen this couplet!
The other thing I wanted to mention is that this stanza is the only place you use a simile - you say you're like waves, instead of simply saying you are waves. But the rest of the poem talks about time as though it literally is sand. So I personally feel that if you simply cut out "like" in this stanza, and made the entire poem into a metaphor, it'd be even more impact. If you did that, you'd probably want to add a comma or dash after "out" so there's a nice pause there!

is each grain swept away a moment
that could have been saved?

I really like how you use line breaks in this couplet -> after establishing that the grains of sand = moments in time, it adds extra meaning by moving on to lament how they're lost (and could've been saved).
Between this one and the next couplet you do repeat "grain" twice, though, so I'd just suggest seeing if you can use a synonym, or reword it slightly, to avoid that repetition!

It's hard to restrain grains of sand
in your hands as they escape

Actually, reading this stanza, I definitely wouldn't suggest you swap out "grains" for anything else here - so if you do decide to get rid of the repetition, I'd recommend doing so in the previous couplet. The reason being, there's some beautiful assonance in this stanza - "restrain grains" and "sand / in your hands" create such a melodic sound - and I definitely don't think you should get rid of that c:

as they slip through your fingers, you know
they were never meant to say.

First, I really like how you end on a slant rhyme ("escape" / "stay") instead of a true rhyme, as it complements the idea of something (ie the rhyming scheme) not being meant to stay. It also just creates a bit of an unresolved feeling that matches the sentiments in the poem.
I do feel that the first line of this couplet is a bit awkward though? Not on its own, but if we take it in the context of the previous line:
" your hands as they escape / as they slip through your fingers, you know"
Because of your decision not to use punctuation, this starts to feel a bit like a run-on sentence. Usually, lacking punctuation doesn't have that problem, as you can tell when a thought ends that there's an unspoken full-stop there, ya know? However here the two thoughts - sand escaping and sand slipping through your fingers - don't feel fully separated, so as a result I read them as a continuous sentence.
I don't have any particularly good suggestions on how to remedy this, so just something to mull over!

All in all though, I love this poem so much. I enjoy how simplistic it is in structure, capitalization, punctuation, and imagery - it's an easy read but there's still so much to discover while you're reading it! I hope some of my comments & suggestions prove helpful to you all, and I really hope you write more poetry collabs in the future c: and maybe I can join some hehe

whatcha <3

starlitmind says...


Liminality says...

Thanks for the review, whatcha! Loved hearing your thoughts <3 (and yes we should definitely collab sometime!)

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26 Reviews

Points: 13476
Reviews: 26

Sat Jan 09, 2021 8:03 pm
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stygianmoon17 wrote a review...

Woooow that frame. It’s so creative and original at the same time, and it gives off such nature vibes it’s awesome.

The poem is short, and yet each line is so effective and so unique in its very own way. I love the imagery, how it represents the way you try to hold on onto something that keeps slipping through your fingers. It’s beautiful. I know “beautiful” isn’t exactly the most descriptive word to use, since it kinda sounds like I’m in primary. But there’s literally no other word. There’s a beauty in this poem I just can’t find another word to use to describe it.

(By the way, this has nothing to do with any of this review, but the frame kind of gives off this tribal sense to it. Like a tatoo. Which for a poem about the impermanence of things, is pretty ironic.)

Aaa did hats pretty much it! I really don’t have anything to say about this poem except for praise after praise. So nice poem, and good job to Liminality, Arcticus and starlitmind :P

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16 Reviews

Points: 13
Reviews: 16

Sat Jan 09, 2021 10:17 am
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Ducklinstories wrote a review...

Hey Ducklin here to review!!!

I really adore the flow of the poem it's really smooth and soft. The word use gives a good view of the message that you want to bring to the reader.

The lay-out is aesthetically pleasing and something I first saw on the site, so it's nice to see that people try new things!

The ending could have been a bit more powerful. sorry if it sounds weird but there is no better word to describe it.

Overall was the poem fantastic,
keep going


"Don't tell me the sky's the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
— Paul Brandt