Young Writers Society

Introduction
Hi. I've been sitting on this almost since I posted my last review on one of your works. Things happen sometimes.

bad

Style

General

One gripe I have about the combination of past tense with the second person sounds accusatory. This isn't a fault of your writing, it just sounds that way to me regardless. and though I got past it, I still find it a bit off putting. I also question it because it take the reader of the story a little bit, if perhaps only subconsciously, because past tense implies everything has already happened, meaning the reader is less the active agent in the story and more the recipient of it. This is in contrast to a story written in second person present tense, where, even though the book has really been written, if events are happening now, they give the reader, in this case, also the character, a greater sense of freedom, even though they don't really have any more this way than they did before. In other words, it's all just an illusion either way, but isn't all writing smoke and mirrors, only with ink and paper instead of vapor and reflective material? At any rate, it's the writer's job (unless they've explicitly intended to do the opposite) to preserve those illusions throughout the show. Come to think of it, magicians are a lot like writers, the main differences is we can figure out how a good magic tricks works.

There was this thing about names. People had to make themselves into one thing or another.

This is confusing to me because the first sentence ends where there should be a colon, and the second sentence sounds as if it should come after the first, but I can't tell if they're meant to be related or not. This may not seem important, but because of what the sentences are saying, weather names are connected to the people remaking themselves or not can change how I interpret the narrative. I think they are connected, but I just thought I'd point this out.

from the octopus-armed uncles swinging their jowly limbs back and forth.

I think you went a bit overboard here. I’m fairly sure this refers to the fire, but it’s jarring and confusing. I just think you got a little purple here.

This one, in particular, could fade into the thickening night and nothing would change.

I'm not sure the 'in particular' is necessary, because the phrase 'this one' already specifies that you are talking about a particular thing. Not a big issue, but I thought I'd mention it

stage-tilting his head to one side.

I'm not sure what the intent behind this is, I think it's to imply that he's simply acting, given that he makes an announcement immediately following this description, but I'm not sure that was what you intended.

“Here they are!”

This is a bit strained as an attempt to keep the gender of the main character unknown, I would recommend just saying 'you' instead of 'they'.

Soon came a hulking red truck thundering into the driveway.

I don't like how the words are arranged in this sentence. It's not clunky, it's just oddly phrased and I'm not sure if this was intentional or not , but there doesn't appear to be any reason for that here, so I would suggest rearranging it so it reads less oddly, something like 'soon a hulking red truck came thundering into the driveway'.
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to pray and eat grass and nothing else.

I find this bit a little confusing, though not enough to damage my experience. I'm not sure of whether the 'and nothing else' apples to her diet of grass, or to her daily regimen, or to both, as I was reading I just applied it to both, but it isn't clear. just something I thought I'd note.

It made her glad in retrospect, she said, that she’d changed it.

I'm curious as to whether this is part of the current conversation or a remembered piece of information (we could quarrel over that, since by the time our brains recess one instant it's already memory, but I'm just insane), if it's remembered, I would recommend altering it to 'she'd said', so that distinction is clearer.

Maybe somewhere, in a deep pit of guts, you thought of how you’d known...

The phrase 'in a pit of guts' feels off, I would suggest something like 'deep in the pit of your guts'

Plot

My only real problem with the plot of this story is that, when I actually look at it, I find there really isn't much of a plot. It's just a person meandering through a party with the actual important events of the story having happened prior to when we enter. This might be what you intended, but I still don't like stories like that because as both a reader and a writer, I want to see as much of the events of the narrative as possible. That being said, this is purely a personal preference, and I still enjoyed this story.

good

There was this thing about names. People had to make themselves into one thing or another. Just out of those at the big house that night, creaking in and out the sticky sliding doors, there were five or six Divinitys, seven or eight Loyaltys.

Overall this first paragraph has an interesting rhythm, which I commend you on. Rythmn in prose is different than poetry, but its just as important for creating the feel and 'color' of the narrative. Here, the seemingly disconnected sentences, along with that final curt comma put me off balance in a good way.

creaking in and out the sticky sliding doors, there were five or six Divinitys, seven or eight Loyaltys.

Interesting use of description, attaching the creaking not to the doors but to the people.

You let them have their fun. After all, you hadn’t told them the big news yet.

While this story is lacking in tension and plot, you do a good job of drawing the reader on with things like this an the line 'they had stopped asking questions, for now.'. Stories don't need tension to be interesting, but most need something to keep the reader reading, and keeping a question in the forefront of the reader's mind is an excellent way to do that, and this story is so short it doesn't end up feeling like a gimmick, in fact it's barely noticeable unless you're really looking for it. good work.

Mouth full of warm sauces and spicy meat, it was easy to nod and smile.

Nice use of non-visual sensory imagery. I find it interesting that many writers focus so heavily on visual description, when every other type of sensor description probably generates more concrete realities. I could probably give a decent enough visual description of London, even though I've never been there, but I'd only really be able to provide evocative details from places I've visited, and those details would probably not be visual.

This one, in particular, could fade into the thickening night and nothing would change.

you do a very good job of establishing this person's relation to their group. As a writer one of my great interests is in how people work in the context of their societies, even if they exists as an outsider, which appears to be what you are insinuating here. I believe this is the case because, before this point, you have phrases like 'you let them have their fun.' and then there is the character's choice to call themselves 'nothing', as opposed to the more common names. Perhaps this is what you meant by 'a coming of age story, but something is wrong.'. In most coming of age stories (or at least the ones I've read) the focus of the story is a character maturing into a role in society, and while this conversely entails growing out of another, that isn't really the focus, and if it is it is as a struggle (the farmboy becomes the savior of the world, coming to terms in the process with a world incomprehensibly bigger than his small town). Here, you have done something very interesting in changing the focus of the story from the aging into to the aging out. Cool.

Analysis

Puzzle pieces

Wasn’t it just your bedroom you needed to bring? All the journals, all the devices – phone, laptop, all that was where you lived your life. You could make do with any house.

I think this is another bit that messes with the idea of a coming of age story. Those stories often talk about people leaving home, but here, the character is taking their 'home' with them.

“What are you planning next? Uni?”

This story also seems to be about the future, a lot of the dialogue looks forward, as does much of the character's feeling, there are quite a few 'eventually's'.

You shrugged, maybe – or you cringed. It was hard to describe what your own body did, when it felt like a puppet or marionette. Sometimes it just dangled there from the edge of your mind and you could see down its front. A torso. Two legs. Shoes.

one theme through this story seems to be distance: distance from others, distance from identity (in the form of names), distance from body. In some ways I think this is a more accurate way of representing reality than what I often try to do, which is get as large a number of viewpoints as possible to show how the world really is, but in reality, we are all just a bunch of people impossibly distant from knowing each other. In that view, it seems an act of almost unbelievable arrogance for an author to write more than one point of view, or any at all: we can never really know another person's thought's, if I recall we still don't even properly understand how the brain works, so how can an author presume to write in the minds of others if they don't even completely comprehend their own. This is why I find the idea of portraying things as a series of different distances is an intriguing idea.

The picture

I think this story is mainly a subversion of a traditional coming of age story with an interesting preoccupation with identity.


conclusion

Aside from the occasionally off bits of description, I really enjoyed this story. It's tight and vivid and manages to be strange without seeming gimmicky. I look forward to reading more of your work.

Hey! Plume here, with a review!

This was a very thought-provoking piece. It was thoroughly intriguing and I found it very interesting. The way you write is incredible. It kept me thoroughly visualizing the piece. So, great job!

One thing I really loved was your author's voice. It's so rich and professional. I loved the way you sprinkled in details and images and— augh it was so impeccable. It felt so smooth and unique. I especially liked your character descriptions. From just a few lines, I felt like i could understand their character. You also gave sort-of irrelevant information. Well, not irrelevant per se, but... trivial. It was simple, but unique, and it felt so real. It's exactly how humans recall details about people; we tend to skim over physical descriptions, and instead remember really interesting details. This was especially prevalent in sections like

This was the Divinity who had gone to the mountains to pray and eat grass and nothing else. She’d made good on her name. It made her glad in retrospect, she said, that she’d changed it.

I thought the concept of this was interesting too. It was so... unique. And I mean that in the best way possible. It was so cool and phenomenal and interesting. I want to know more! I'm not sure if this is part of a bigger universe or plotline, but I'd love to read more.

One concern I have is the use of second person. Normally, I'm all for a second person narrative, but this felt kinda... unusual. I think since you're already putting the reader in a completely new environment with all these name things, and you're using second person. It also carries with it a sort of "you're the main character, so you should know what's going on." And the fact that I didn't know what was going on was a bit unsettling and made the story a bit harder to read.

Overall: phenomenal tale! It was absolutely brilliant, and I had such a great time reading it. It sounded very professional, almost like it was something that could be read in English class!! Keep writing!