Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Realistic


Achievement

by Liminality


Achievement,

if only I could bottle you up like some dash of mountain spring

and hang you religiously on a chain around my throat;

then the droughts would not score cracks into my chest,

but be nourished, filled and tamed with happy rest.

But dear, you are as the scent of morning air

that caresses and revives - but fleetingly,

then dissolves, dissipates, and is lost

everywhere.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
46 Reviews


Points: 55
Reviews: 46

Donate
Tue Jun 11, 2019 9:29 pm
View Likes
starryknightt wrote a review...



Hey! My name is M, and I'm here to tell you how amazing you are. So, ahem, let's get started.

Short but sweet. That's your poem in simplistic terms. Some people seem to think that flattery and useless words make a story, but that's really not true. Sure, it can better it, but that is not always the case. I believe that what really makes a story is the meaning or message that is sent from the author and into the reader's mind. You achieved this very nicely.

I really, really love the imagery you have going on here. It conveys not only a mental picture but bright, undeniable emotions. Relatable emotions that I happen to experience all the time.

This poem is very nicely written and I only have one incredibly minor suggestion to make. I would get rid of the term "dear". Maybe you were trying to add more color to an already colorful piece, I'm not sure. The term really doesn't seem to fit. It's almost like you were trying to personify something that is distinctly NOT personified. You paint Achievement as a substance or emotion, not a being. Just delete that one term and I think it would flow much better. However, that is up to you.

Honestly, you did super great on writing this poem! I can't wait to read more of your art.

-M




Liminality says...


Thank you for the review!



User avatar
105 Reviews


Points: 10668
Reviews: 105

Donate
Sat Jun 08, 2019 5:48 pm
View Likes
silvermoon17 wrote a review...



RHYMING SCHEME
OK, I know my friends usually turn towards me when the teacher talks of writing poems, and I’m probably the first to coldy point out that a poem does not rhyme (thus, not being a poem) but seeing an irregular rhyming scheme in a writing meant to be poetry; is just frustrating! Now for the poem itself. I think the first sentences do a good job at setting the tone, the first rhymes hang on each other beautifully, the “droughts” the “religious” the “tamed” and “happy rest”, a beautiful symphony. The dissolving words, they melt in your poem, and fusions your words together
also, take my advice, and to make a much more beautiful review; end your poem with a rhyme. always. Here are some rhymes with EVERYWHERE is case you want to rewrite it again (who knows..)
fair-lair-care-dare-snare(ensnare)-fare-mare..
I also really like how you get straight to the point just at the beginning; dispatching useless exposition. one of the reasons why I really appreciate your poem. But remember for the last line rhyme; I swear it will only bring more appeal to your poem (its a rule i always tend to follow in mine own poems)




Liminality says...


Thanks for the review!



User avatar
525 Reviews


Points: 30091
Reviews: 525

Donate
Sat Jun 08, 2019 2:48 pm
View Likes
FlamingPhoenix wrote a review...



Hello, FlamingPhoenix here with a review for you on this lovely day, and to help get your work out the green room.

Okay let's start.
So I only saw one very small thing out of the whole poem, and it's very small, and if you disagree with me than feel free to ignore what I say.

but be nourished, filled and tamed with happy rest.

As I'm sure you no from my other reviews i have done on your work the word in bold is what I would like to talk about. Okay so there is nothing wrong with it, but I feel there should be a comma in front of it, so there is a pause between filled and, and.

Okay so that was all I could see that needed to be fixed. Other than that I really, really loved this poem. It carried so much emotion, and it was quit deep to. It really got to me and that is what I love about your poems.
And it was also short, meaning what you want to say comes out really strong, because you don't spread it out over lots of other words.
I feel like in this poem you get right to the point right from the beginning. And to me that is one of the best poems.
I also love it when you tell a story and paint an image with your words, its very clever, and is one of those things I hope to do soon.

Anyway, that's all from me. I'm glad I had the chance to come read and review your poem, it was a real joy. I hope you will never stop writing and post again on YWS. Because I'm looking forward to your next work. Have a great day or night.

Your friend
FlamingPhoenix.
Reviewing with a fiery passion.




Liminality says...


Thanks for the review!




"He looks like a turtle who's been through the Vietnam war."
— SirenCymbaline the Kiwi