Discordant
I'm chained and bound by oblivion,
Locked inside a cage of confusion.
Angels of death swarm above my head,
Darkness blocks away happy faces.
Blue skies end up in illusion,
Swirling in my mind as pointless imagination.
Opening myself, I'm trapped in a daze,
Standing alone in a realm of stifling haze.
In the distance, a broken orchestra plays
A discordant melody throughtout the day.
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140,231 Literary Works • 673,048 Reviews
I loved your imagery and the way your words flow. It sounded very good and had a feel to it. Good job.
Thanks for reviewing!
O yeah, I think I double-posted this. <It was an accident, oops!>
hmmm...i wasn't too impressed with this. angels of death? perhaps some more creativity would help...
~abby~
I really liked this! Your imagery is great, and I love how it flows. I love the second last line, and the first half of the last line, but I'm not sure about "throughout the day." Maybe you could try another two syllabyl word before "the", like "stifles" or"strangles" ? There are loads of things you could say here which I think would help make it as powerful as the rest of the piece. I think I'd change line eight to "I stand in a realm of stifling haze" as I think it flows better.
Other than that, this was really beautiful, and I love how you've expressed yourself. Your flow was also generally very good throughout.
Hope this helps
Jas