They’ve got chemistry, we’ve biology
My heart pumps love
But when I’m cut off, you don’t see the drops
I’m sick and tired of this CNoU filling up my lungs, because I’d Hayd to Suffocate
Could I use some of your air?
Your hair, your derrière, don’t mind me if I stare
And I think mouth to mouth might get me breathing again
I’m just pretending anyway, last time I looked at you, my heart pounded just from seeing your grace, the way you walk down the stairs like an angel, and your face, the way you make me go crazy and fill up my heart with just one perfect smile. The way you say dan’ and leave off the ‘g’. My heart beats when I see you giving your friends exactly what they want from you, but never giving away something you’d rather keep. How you’re afraid of heights and eating sloppy in front of people, when I’m just happy to see you close the dishwasher with your foot like I do. I faint for the way you dress, I gush for the way you push my limits with your reckless thirst for adventure. You could push me off the other end of the world, and my smile would still be as heartfelt as when I saw you through the doorway last year and I couldn’t contain myself. “Dan’ it, she’s the girl for me.”
My neurons are just as on fire as my heart,
But you hit my knee last year and we still haven’t kicked it
My reflexes are slow, so I guess we’ll be saved by the ring ring
What do you think?
Are you ready to settle down? Promise me you won’t ever settle
Honey, the moon’s coming up
We’ll go town to town, pedal to the metal
No reasoning, no more rhyme, no plan, just wherever our heart takes us, we’ll go
We could see Siam, that makes us Siamese, connected by the veins
Heart to heart, but we’re silent, listening to My playlist #3
We’ll take the world, look it over a few times, then make it our own for practice
How does that sound?
If they invent time travel I would never have believed me, let alone my ears
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139,235 Literary Works • 672,518 Reviews
Hi LilPWilly! I wanted to leave a review on your poem today
I like your take on a love poem with humor mixed in! The way that you've written it makes it feel very personal and tangible, with the few jokes and quips sprinkled in so that it doesn't come across as an overly dramatized love poem. It's really unique and interesting! (And I see from your comments that this was something you wrote quickly, so props to you on that ^^)
I would say that the second part of your poem feels stronger than your first, to me. It feels like you've found your rhythm by that point, which makes each of the lines flow better and hit the punchline a little easier. I found that the beginning of the poem was a little difficult to read. Now, I get that you likely wrote this with a particular audience in mind instead of a general one, but I'll still give some suggestions that might help it generalize better.
To me, this feels like a relatively weak starting line. I get you're going for "they have chemistry" like how people say people who work well together have chemistry, but I don't quite get who the "they" is referring to (just other people in general?) and where biology comes into play? Biology makes me think that the "we" are related to one another, which I don't believe is the point. This is a good line, I think, but I feel it warrants a little more context to make it feel effective. It may even be worth to use the second or third line as the intro, to set the reader up for this comparison.
This was another line you explained in some of the reviews below that was difficult for me to read. Realistically, the person you wrote this for knows who that Hayd is an artist and the song is Suffocate, which is meaningful to you two, but it feels out of the blue. There could be a little more transition away from the scientific terms you've been setting up and add some references to songs, like "my heart sings" as another way to express love, at least giving the reader a hint what this line means.
I think my favorite part of this poem was actually the really long line you have in the middle of this poem. It feels like a good inflection point, and it's filled with really small but very meaningful details the paint a picture of the relationship being described. It also flows very well, has a good rhythm, and is easy to read. My one suggestion is the the same imagery about "heart swells" "heart beats" etc is used a lot in that part, and it starts to not feel as impactful as it goes on. If you ever wanted to polish this up, it may be helpful to expand some images, or do some related images that give the same vibe.
Anyway, hope this was helpful! Thanks for sharing ^^ Let me know if you have any questions, and happy writing!
~ Wolfe
Hey there!
So starts out biology, then moves onto the word "dang" and music playlists, and ends on time travel. This is very different, and it's kind of hard to follow at some points, so this review will be all over the place. Apologies for that.
If we're getting specific, everyone has chemistry, everyone has biology, but yea, I get the general gist of that. I don't understand the 'drops" bit though, as it could mean a lot of things, but I have no idea which one it is supposed to represent.
I feel like there should be more before you bring up Hayd, as I doubt anyone knows that it is a reference to a singer, especially with all of the science phrases beforehand. I also don't think that word is a verb, so maybe switch that to something else.
I could also argue about the 'derrière' but I don't think my French is good enough for all that, and I'd end up embarrassing myself.
Siam is now Thailand, and it has been for a while. I say that as a person who's mother is from Thailand, so I believe I am correct there. Siamese describes cats and using it for a person is somewhat debatable.
Sorry for any spelling errors, I wrote this really quick.
Best,
Max
Thanks for the review! I was thinking Siamese twins. I intended Hayd to sound like hate as in I%u2019d hate to suffocate. And I wasn%u2019t sure what I meant by drops either. My idea was to leave it indiscriminate so it seems like blood, which could work, but I also meant tears, because she would never see me crying about her, even though I do. I meant this for one person, but I%u2019m glad to see what everyone else thinks about it!
I must admit this was quite entertaining to read, however, some parts don’t seem to make any sense - I suppose it’s is your intention by writing it this manner (to appeal to someone specific).
Also, the lack of proper punctuation bothers me, and again, I suppose this has a meaning to the author.
Nevertheless, there are some clever sentences (specifically at the beginning and the end).
Thanks lol
I am pretty sure the “only one person who will understand this” thing was talking to me right?
I can’t imagine what this poem would be like if I didn’t know you. As is, it makes me laugh and at other parts it makes me cringe over the bad wordplay. 
It is fun to see the little slice of yourself you put into everything you write! But honestly, try writing about someone or something else for a change XD. Like you said “Every song is copy and paste” or something like that.
Not you lol
Every song is copy pasted
Cause these feelings don%u2019t go away
Nah they don%u2019t away
This poem was.. bizarre? Needs punctuation. What's with the BIG chunk of text in the middle. Is this a poem, or... ??? I don't understand XD This is just... weird. I enjoyed reading it though. It was fun! (Should pay more attention to spelling, or Capitalization, though) XD
Yes I wrote this at two last night lol there is no focus at all
Actually, I think most of it is intentional. Hayd is a singer, and Suffocate is his song, she showed it to me. My playlist #3 is the playlists share on Spotify. CNoU = CO2/See no you
But you%u2019re the master!