Young Writers Society

Hi LilPWilly,

Mailice here with a short review!

That was a beautiful poem. What, it's a short story? It felt like you were reading to a desire that resembled a poem. You created a very interesting and soulful reading flow that evokes emotions in the reader. It feels realistic and enchanting the way you tell the story.

I like how the emotions are put into words here and how they affect the reader. It's considered and yet, as if it's acting like a countdown that breaks down towards the end. I like how the inner life is reflected in the narrator's words and how it alternately swings from side to side, like an emotional seesaw.

Since it's probably more aesthetic, I didn't read much into it, and yet I like that you chose this font for the text. It has this feeling like it's a letter being written, late at night in front of a typewriter and candlelight, where the narrator is reflecting.

In terms of structure, I like how the various bullet points are also broadly similar in structure and length, and also increase in a certain way. It's sometimes closer, sometimes further from the person you love. (Boat = far away; hotel, very close, etc...) Also the change later in the tenses, gives the impression that desire is a struggle, where the narrator suppresses and allows himself to be pulled.

Other points that struck me:

I was being eaten alive by shame.

You are out of my league and surrounded by people that would be hurt if you gave me a chance.

A whole summer of 'times'.

Hello!

This was such a strong and beautiful piece. Your words were so arresting and I loved how it flowed more like poetry than a story. You expressed the constant turmoil within this person in a way that almost anyone could relate to it. The vagueness of it all made it even more interesting to read and even though I personally have never felt like this, your words made me connect to this person. The emotions you portrayed through each stanza or rather paragraph was just beautiful. I only wished there was more. I am sorry if this is a crappy review. I personally have no words in me right now. Also I can't believe I have only come across this now!

Keep writing! This was amazing.

Within this piece, there are such powerful messages about love. So many times, we want to be with someone yet are kept from them, destined to be alone often for their own good. This poetic short story further explores the difficulty in growing attached to another and being forced to let them go. Immediately, I identify with the speaker and it breaks my heart when I see the protagonist of this narrative isn't at last with their romantic interest. The way in which the tale is told through a series of sequential "times" also creates a very satisfying affect. I'm so eager to learn more about the characters involved in this text however I adore the anonymity of the account. I know many can relate to this plot and I hope the voice of this chronicle finds their love very soon.

Hello!
I enjoyed your piece. The way of telling it kind of like a poem was very cool. Your use of words is very nice. For example, I liked how you said "now your cold shoulder has turned to permafrost".
Like MapleWay said, I think there could be some more to it.
Overall, great job!

-James Peterson/Zacharias Drake

Hey there! MapleWay here with a quick review!

This was a cool little piece! I really enjoyed reading it! My favorite part of it was not the story you told but the way you told it. I felt as if I was on a special ride I felt as if I was there. The way you express your feeling for this person is unbelievable. It is so majestic and perfect! When it comes to critiques I only have two. One, I felt you could've added a bit more. I find myself wanting to know more about these times. I want more details and more sentences. But I guess it would get rid of the poetic vibe you had so I'll leave the decision up to you! And two the fact that in the picture there is a line next to the word cold.

Anyways great story! Can't wait to see more!

-MapleWay

I loved your piece!

I'll start with my critiques and then I will go on to rave.

The beginning doesn't Immediately catch my attention. And I actually think that could be fixed by simply changing the sentence structure. If you changed "I pretended to have myself under control from the beginning" to "from the beginning, I pretended to have myself under control", your opening statement would end on a snappy, intriguing note.

In your second sentence, I would change "I was being eaten alive by shame" to "I was eaten alive by shame."

At the opening of the second paragraph: Why does the narrator feel good? Some more details here might be nice.

I am not a huge fan of vague demonstratives, because replacing them always seems like a good chance to both make your writing clearer and to add more detail. I would see if you can replace the "that" at the beginning of your third paragraph with something more informative.

I am not entirely sure what the "visibly" before broken, at the end of your fourth paragraph, is adding.

Maybe change to "The fourth time was the end" instead of the "ending" I love what some after that sentence though, it's so poignant and rhythmic!

I would like some more clarifying details in the seventh paragraph. I find it a little a bit confusing.

Same thing with the first half of the tenth paragraph.

I love the structure of this piece. It's well-thought-through, but also passionate and spontaneous. I can feel the emotions coursing through it. There is definite musicality to your prose.

A pleasure to read and review, YellowSweater