I will not mince words with you my dear.
To be frank, this is sloppy, tasteless and overcooked on an uneven flame. Consequently, parts of it are ugly and others raw, yet it is all parts equally toxic.
We hope you’ll enjoy this, as it is the best we could do, and return again and again for more. We can’t ask for a good rating, but the chef will be offended if they do not receive your highest praise. You see, he went to a good school and graduated top of his class, but I’m afraid his customers and staff have been none too supportive.
So here is your love letter, hot and fresh. You are the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. Your eyes and smile give me strength, and your love filled me with a joy as I have never known. When you were a regular here, I added way too much anxiety and tried to use up my leftover hurt. I have yet to run out.
Still, please, please, come again. As awful as it is, there is no one for whom I have done better. You make my job worth doing and I am not pleased with my recipes unless they remind me of you.
Some day, I hope I can serve you like you have served me. I hope that we can make a full course together that you finish feeling better than when we started, that tastes like nothing else. I don’t want to cook for you if it dirties that smile of yours or costs you too much to consume. I couldn’t bear it.
I also regret to inform you that, clearly, we were out of confidence, but we substituted with self deprecation as best we could. You can expect a tang of sympathy, and a hint of disgust.
Thank you for coming, have a wonderful day, and come again, if it suits your stomach.