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1-Star Restaurant

by LilPWilly


I will not mince words with you my dear.

To be frank, this is sloppy, tasteless and overcooked on an uneven flame. Consequently, parts of it are ugly and others raw, yet it is all parts equally toxic.

We hope you’ll enjoy this, as it is the best we could do, and return again and again for more. We can’t ask for a good rating, but the chef will be offended if they do not receive your highest praise. You see, he went to a good school and graduated top of his class, but I’m afraid his customers and staff have been none too supportive.

So here is your love letter, hot and fresh. You are the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. Your eyes and smile give me strength, and your love filled me with a joy as I have never known. When you were a regular here, I added way too much anxiety and tried to use up my leftover hurt. I have yet to run out. 

Still, please, please, come again. As awful as it is, there is no one for whom I have done better. You make my job worth doing and I am not pleased with my recipes unless they remind me of you.



Some day, I hope I can serve you like you have served me. I hope that we can make a full course together that you finish feeling better than when we started, that tastes like nothing else. I don’t want to cook for you if it dirties that smile of yours or costs you too much to consume. I couldn’t bear it.

—Chef Lostalone

I also regret to inform you that, clearly, we were out of confidence, but we substituted with self deprecation as best we could. You can expect a tang of sympathy, and a hint of disgust.

Thank you for coming, have a wonderful day, and come again, if it suits your stomach.


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Sun Jan 10, 2021 1:29 pm
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm Harry here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: So this was a pretty interesting piece. I haven't seen anything quite like it before. It was quite hilarious in some places but then towards the middle portion it was a bit off to me, the flow of the story didn't quite seem to work out so I would look into that just a bit.

Anyway let's get right to it,

I will not mince words with you my dear.


When you put it like that it certainly gets the point across that some proper honestly is about to make its way to the words below and I think that works wonders in getting a person's attention so that's a great opening line.

To be frank, this is sloppy, tasteless and overcooked on an uneven flame. Consequently, parts of it are ugly and others raw, yet it is all parts equally toxic.


Not quite sure if all of those things could even apply to one food because some of those things sound like they could contradict each other but I think it does make for a pretty funny and quite punchy description there of the food so I suppose it can be allowed to slide for the moment.

We hope you’ll enjoy this, as it is the best we could do, and return again and again for more. We can’t ask for a good rating, but the chef will be offended if they do not receive your highest praise. You see, he went to a good school and graduated top of his class, but I’m afraid his customers and staff have been none too supportive.


Oh well...this is honesty if I ever saw it and its hilarious how the truth for a good amount of people also makes for the perfect jokes to put in a piece intended solely to be funny like this.

So here is your love letter, hot and fresh. You are the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. Your eyes and smile give me strength, and your love filled me with a joy as I have never known. When you were a regular here, I added way too much anxiety and tried to use up my leftover hurt. I have yet to run out.


Okay...well that is an interesting way of putting that and its an interesting turn of imagery there from the whole kitchen thing to this but well its certainly not disrupting the flow all that much so its fine for the moment.

Still, please, please, come again. As awful as it is, there is no one for whom I have done better. You make my job worth doing and I am not pleased with my recipes unless they remind me of you.


Okay that is kind of an odd thing to randomly put there...this is a bit of a weird jump now from where this was at the start of the piece. Let's see where this ends up going at least.

Some day, I hope I can serve you like you have served me. I hope that we can make a full course together that you finish feeling better than when we started, that tastes like nothing else. I don’t want to cook for you if it dirties that smile of yours or costs you too much to consume. I couldn’t bear it.


And we're back to the whole cooking imagery and associated items thing, this is getting just a little bit confusing at the moment.

—Chef Lostalone


I see what you did there with the name.

I also regret to inform you that, clearly, we were out of confidence, but we substituted with self deprecation as best we could. You can expect a tang of sympathy, and a hint of disgust.

Thank you for coming, have a wonderful day, and come again, if it suits your stomach.


And we're ending with a couple of lines that would perfectly suit the beginning so I am still left wondering what exactly you mean by those two paragraphs in the middle.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall I think its a really funny piece but again I think the middle requires a little bit more explanation before we can really understand what exactly is going on there. And that's about all I have to say here.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




LilPWilly says...


Hey top notch review, thanks a lot! You%u2019re right, I wasn%u2019t sure if I wanted all of those paragraphs in there, but I also wanted to fit everything I was feeling into the concept somehow. It is funny isn%u2019t it? I honestly wrote this with a heavy heart, but I've come to accept it all and did some over the top character work to boot. Thanks again man, this is a great review.



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Sun Jan 10, 2021 3:57 am
SpunkyKitty wrote a review...



Hi! Spunky here!

Grows:

Consequently, parts of it are ugly and others raw, yet it is all parts equally toxic.

Do you mean "yet all it's parts..."???

chef will be offended if they do not receive your highest praise. You see, he...

So is the chef a "they" or a "he"???

So here is your love letter, hot and fresh.

That seems really out of place considering everything else.

Glows:

This is a really cool idea, and it seems a bit vague, and doesn't let on what's happening completely. I like that. It makes it feel like it's a mystery yet to be solved, if that makes any sense.

Bye!




LilPWilly says...


Bye! I read archaic literature, so the outdated grammar bled through into this piece. I meant the waiter to sound sarcastic in that peculiar line. Thanks!



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Sun Jan 10, 2021 1:19 am
LilPWilly says...







If you have a dream, you have a duty to make it come true.
— Marco Pierre White