E - Everyone

The Siblings, the Old Man, and the Talking Eggs

Once upon a time, in a suburban area at the heart of Kuala Lumpur, the capital city of Malaysia, Yas, a man in his mid-40s lived with his two teenage children, Yassir and Zairil. Zairil was his favourite son as Zairil’s bulky figure outgrew his older brother’s small one. Zairil always helped him and never talked back to him. On the other hand, he had this unpleasant feeling about Yassir as Yassir always made excuses to not help him and preferred to enjoy his hobby - which was reading - rather than listening to his instructions and calls.

After dealing with his father’s unbearable attitude, Yassir decided he could not stand with Yas’s treatment to him. Since Yas lost his wife, he treated Yassir badly, always talking about Yassir as if Yassir was a disease in front of his friends. Because of that, Yassir ran away from home, a house attached to Yas’s workshop. He used the road heading to the left side of the house which led to unexplored forest.

There, he met an old man. The old man had an angular face, deep brown eyes, and many wrinkles. He pled Yassir to carry him to his house which was situated in the middle of the forest. Looking at the old man who was walking as slow as a turtle and with a face that looked like he was carrying a huge boulder on his back, Yassir pitied him. Yassir agreed to carry him. Although Yassir was not as strong as Zairil, the old man’s scrawny frame was enough for him to carry.

While carrying the old man, Yassir encountered two men, one a sturdy, hulking soldier while the other a child-like, thin commoner. They were fighting in a brutal intensity that suggested this was a fight to death. The sturdy man easily dominated the fight and tortured the child-like commoner. Yassir thought this was unfair, what with the bulky man seemed to be consumed with his sadistic nature. He decided to help the scrawny man but the old man stopped him with a firm voice. The old man told him that this fight existed because of the scrawny man’s decision who wished for zero interruption throughout it. Yassir was not allowed to disturb it.

Although he was beaten in every part of his body, the scrawny man did not give up - he never moaned or cried in pain. Whenever he fell, he got up. His determination seemed to be as boundless as the sky. The sturdy man finally gave in - probably he thought there was no use to waste his energy much more - and walked away. The scrawny man who was now the victore of the battle finally cried in happiness or something close to that and got the food, clothes and drinks that lied at the side of their battle ground.

Almost reaching the old man’s house, Yassir met two ladies and one gentleman. The first lady possessed beautiful masks lying in front of her, each with different varieties of facial beauty, while the other had nothing - she was plain. The lady with pretty face masks wore each of them to win the man’s heart and succeeded. He walked away with the lady, leaving the other alone. Yassir wanted to stop him and tell him he was not judging both ladies in a fair manner as the plain one had no chance to spend time with him. The old man stopped him again and said one should meddle with the other’s choice.

After that, they finally reached the old man’s place, an aging hut. The old man told Yassir to stay outside the house as he went inside it to take a couple of precious eggs as a reward to Yassir. However, he instructed Yassir to only pick one.

Yassir looked at the first one. It was gold and radiated a brilliant light. It whispered to Yassir to pick it. It said it could grant him any wish but Yassir had to accept the price which was simple - he had to be content and satisfied with everything he would receive. Yassir, a careful guy, asked how many wish it would grant. It answered one. He asked again if “everything he would receive” was part of the wish. It hesitated before saying yes. By then, he knew it was lying nad probably had a malicious motive behind its words.

Yassir stepped away from it and inspected the second egg. It was white and dull. It told him to pick it. It said it could reveal anything he wished and as a price, he should accept everything that was revealed to him. He asked how many wish it would grant. It told him only one. He asked again if “everything that was revealed to him” was part of the wish. It said yes just after he finished the question. Confidant with its honesty, he took it.

On his way back to home, Yassir met the man whom the two ladies fought for. He was no longer with the pretentious lady with fake faces. Instead, he was with the lady with simple clothing. Yassir asked him why he was with her and not the lady with artificial pretty faces. He answered the simple lady loved him with utmost sincerity. She accepted him knowing he once betrayed his kingdom’s army. The girl with deceiving beauty, however, was after his riches. He had overseen her true nature, and overheard her mocking the simple lady.

Satisfied, Yassir continued his walk. When he arrived at his house, he told Yas everything he had encountered and experienced that afternoon. Yas was furious because he did not take the gold egg. He forced his younger brother to visit the place at which the old man was resting.

---


Zairil went to the place and found the old man, sitting with heavy, ragged breaths while massaging his feet. Zairil helped him and carried him with ease - the ancient man was as heavy as a pile of clothes. Midway to the old man’s house, Zairil was the two men fight - the bulky and the scrawny, and expressed his fury to the scrawny one. He said a man without power should not disobey a man with one. He wanted to stop the scrawny man from fighting but the old man stopped him and said this decision to fight was the scrawny man’s, and they were not allowed to interrupt in any way.

Zairil met the ladies and the gentleman and was quick to understand the situation. He ridiculed the lady with nothing attractive by saying outer beauty was an easy attraction for man. Like before, he wanted to stop her from wasting her time capturing the man’s love but the old man stopped him. The desired man eventually went away with the lady in pretty face masks. Zairil mocked him loudly, saying beauty on the surface did not guarantee one’s happiness that came within one’s heart.

After witnessing the pathetic event, finally, they met the old man’s house. He thanked Zairil and presented him the same couple of eggs - one gold, the other white. Zairil knew which one to pick but he wanted to hear the eggs talking as stated by Yassir. He approached the gold egg. It whispered to him that it could grant him any wish but with a price - he should be content with everything he received. He was satisfied with its words, thinking his father would be happy to be granted one wish. 

He went to the plain white egg. It said it could reveal anything he wanted. As a price, he should accept everything that was revealed to him. He wondered why Yassir chose this one. It granted only one truth which would not make their lives better. The gold egg was more useful since he could ask for wealth to support his family.

However, before he grabbed it, he remembered Yassir’s possession given to him. He fished out the white egg. Yassir gave it to him when Yassir met him before he left, saying he should use it to reveal the gold egg’s true intention. He directed it to the gold egg, which shone a bit brighter. He wished for its thoughts to be bared. He then shattered the white egg, and the gold’s egg voice was heard - this one was multiplied for some reasons. It said it wanted to bring misery to him and his family after giving them wealth. It knew they could not crush it or stop it to grant a wish for itself as it was descended from the cursed Midas’s gold eggs.

Zairil was baffled upon hearing it. He took the white egg in a swift and brought it home without further ado. During his hastened walk, he saw the child-like man enjoying his prizes and it dawned on him that sheer will could defeat mere strength. Then, he found the man living with the simple girl and the man admitted he was grateful for her honesty and love to him.

When he was at home, Yas was mad when Zairil told Yas he did not take the gold egg Yas wished. He wanted to explain his reasons to Yas but, unable to contain his flaming disappointment on his children, Yas scolded both his children before beating them with a belt. With a roar, he banished the two of them, saying they were not worthy to him anymore. They could not make him wealthy or influential. In return, they were sad with Yas’s true intention, which Yassir revealed was the reason he claimed the white egg.

The siblings went out of the house, confused and helpless. Refusing to give up, Yassir suggested they used Zairil’s white egg to reveal the safest place at which they could live. Zairil agreed. After shattering it, a feminine voice sang, the lyric mentioned the old man’s house as the safest place to live for them. Zairil was skeptical with the revelation but finally decided they would not lose anything after trying.

They quickly went there and found the old man resting. Yassir decided to carry the old man as to not burden Zairil but Zairil argued with him and said he would carry the old man instead as Yassir had saved him from the gold egg. The old man stopped their argument by turning into a handsome man, a similar copy of the desired gentleman they had witnessed with a few years to add.

The handsome man revealed he was once the scrawny man who fought his own corrupted solider with his will to survive. He was also the man desired by the two ladies and lived with the better one after the worse one left him when her true motive was revealed. He asked Yassir and Zairil to live with him as he longed for children. Yassir and Zairil agreed to that as they felt the old man would treat them better than their father.

When they entered his house, it changed into a gigantic palace with silver decorations and walls. They saw the man’s wife, the simple lady, who blessed them with the most heart-warming smile. Starting at that point, Yassir and Zairil experienced happiness which they had not feel since a long time ago. They lived with the man and his wife whom they had treated as their father and mother, and were never short of love since then.

Comments & reviews · 5
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Hey there!

I realize this is a bit late, but I was browsing through short stories and the title of your piece really grabbed me. It sounded so unique that I couldn't help but wonder what it would be about! x)

First off I have to mirror what everyone else has said and congratulate you on crafting such a solid, insightful story. Your style of writing complements the structure of a folk/ fairy tale very well. You spend just enough time describing important events before moving on, inching the story along smoothly without drowning in the details. And yet the writing was still great! I didn't feel lost at any point, and I didn't lose interest thanks to your skill at keeping the story moving forward.

What you have really nailed here is providing a cohesive story with relatively few words. I enjoyed the fact that the characters visibly grew by the end of this, and that their “journey” was traceable along the way. It's hard not to get lost in the telling, and end up ignoring the ideas that you wished to present in the first place, but I think it is clear that you had no problem maintaining that balance.

The only critiques that I can think to give are mostly grammatical. For instance, a few of your sentences are a little long winded. The first, for example, contains a lot of commas. I think you might do better to rework it by omitting a few clauses (“the capital city of Malaysia” and “a man in his mid-40's” for example, are not too central to the story, so you would be alright leaving them out). In this way you will still present the most important information without clogging your sentences too much. And if you really feel like you want to keep all that in, you might try a hyphen instead of a comma. Just be careful not to use them too much, because both commas and hyphens can disturb the flow of a sentence if placed improperly.

Also I noticed that in your second paragraph you tend to repeat the names of the sons instead of using pronouns. So, for example, the the second sentence of that paragraph reads, “Since Yas lost his wife, he treated Yassir badly, always talking about Yassir as if Yassir was a disease in front of his friends.”

The use of Yassir three times is very repetitive and hinders the flow of the sentence, so you might replace his name with “him” instead. Also, in the same sentence I notice that you again use a lot of commas that don't necessarily need to be there. You might omit the first one, and it would read much easier.

Aside from those few things, though. I can't say anything else. I really enjoyed this piece! Just be careful about your use of commas, and it will clean up your writing a great deal. Wonderful job, though. I can't wait to read more from you! (:

Such a constructive criticism! Thanks! XD

No problem. Hope it helps! (:

User avatar
erilea
Comment

I followed you for this.

Ah, er, okay. Thanks. :)

Lol. You're welcome! You deserved it. :)

User avatar
roeckercody
Review

Despite the few spelling mistakes and funky structuring of a few of the sentences, this is a literary masterpiece. Every single thing about this story screams classic. Folk/fairy tale as well.

Although I have not read The Wrath and The Dawn by Renee Ahdieh, I immediately thought of it. Strange.

Anyways, this is beautiful and the story is meaningful. We can all take something out of this.
Whether we are like Yassir and are just trying to get the best out of life, or like Zairil, trying to understand things for his father, or Yas wanting more out of life but coming up shorthanded, we all learn something.
Yassir learns a lesson about what is good in society isn't always what it seems.
Zairil learns that fathers aren't always right, and no matter how much he wants to please him, looks can be deceiving.
Yas, hopefully realizes the cruelty he possesses and spreads to his children. I'm thinking he may once he realizes his family is gone.

This is something I will always cherish and could see it being turned into something longer with more detail.
It would make an interesting graphic novel or something of that sort, because I believe the visuals would be strong in this one. It would have a very fairy tale esque quality as well as have deep literary meaning and morals.

Thank you for writing this so I could have the pleasure of reading it.

I am highly anticipating ANYTHING and EVERYTHING you write in the future.
Keep me updated on your ideas!
- Cody

P.S seriously this was so good. I commend you on your capabilities

Thanks for the in-depth review, hopefully you can press the 'like' button at the top of the story. My writing ability is inconsistent, so maybe I would not make good stories all the time. I'll give you updates of them if you want. :)

User avatar
Ljungtroll
Review

That was one of the best stories I've read. It reminds me of all those old folk tales and fairy tales. Perfectly balanced. I found all of the folk tale traits in there and I was so happy to see that someone wrote a story like this. This is one of the pearls that you have to cherish, because no one writes any good fairy tales anymore, with the exception of this one. Awesome job, Labrador!! :D

Thanks for the sweet review. Hopefully you can press the 'like' button at the top of my story. :)

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PickledChrissy
Comment

I can only find one word to describe this. Ancient. It feels so old, that I think I'm reading one of the myths. It's beautiful.

Thanks for the compliment. :)



Look closely. The beautiful may be small.
— Immanuel Kant, Philosopher