z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Serena, the Colours, and the Death

by Lightsong


They found the body in the female toilet. It belonged to a boy, which added more to the confusion. Serena had seen him with her own eyes - naked senior lying on the floor with his back against it - and couldn’t believe it. First of all, his skin was still tan. His eyes were bright green and his hair was deep black. He was full of colours. He couldn’t die. Even if he was wounded, his colour would fade a bit.



That was the problem - there was no wound either.



What triggered his death, then? Did someone murder him? Serena couldn’t tell - she was just a student, unlucky to be the first witness after all. How could she have known about this kind of thing? How could she know it could happen? But this was the first. As long as you had colours, you should still be alive. She hoped the death of the boy named Travis could be solved.



This was probably because she was asked relentlessly by the police. She was interrogated for a full six hours just because of this boy’s death. She tried to answer it as best as she could but the more answers she gave them, the more questions they shot at her. After an hour, it became tiring. Not to mention she could see from their eyes the glimmer of suspicion on them. She, a murderer.



Laughable. She was smarter than that.



After the painful, exhausting six hours, she was released out of the room and straight to her worried parents. They waited for her, her father walking back and forth without stopping, and her mother sitting and clutching her hands, trembling. They waited for her and when she finally appeared, they quickly brought her home. No doubt they thought this incident was too much for a sixteen years-old girl like her.



But it wasn’t too much. The boy’s death looked like he was sleeping if she was to be honest. In fact, the real reason she screamed when she opened the door of the toilet and saw the guy lying near the sink was because he was naked. The realization that he was dead came to her like a breeze after a few minutes. He wasn’t sleeping - he wasn’t breathing. It took her two fingers to check whether he was still breathing or not.



After a couple of days, she could get pass the event and assumed her role as a student. She continued studying, reading boring reference books about the foundation of enchanted colours and their roles in prolonging lives. How they reduced the number of murder cases and deaths, and helped those who couldn’t afford to buy food and water.



It didn’t last long though. Travis’ girlfriend, Doris, confronted her one day. She entered the very toilet Travis died when Serena was putting on her lipstick. Serena inspected her and with the hard frown, gritted teeth, and red cheeks - boy, she didn’t look good. Doesn’t feel good either, Serena thought. She ended the brief glance and resumed her activity.



Doris grabbed Serena’s shoulder and turned Serena to face her. She didn’t let the shoulder go. She clutched it like she didn’t want it to go - it was so firm Serena had to resist the urge to flinch. She stared at Serena, sending daggers with her deep brown eyes. She allowed silence to tense things up, and didn’t bulge, didn’t tear her gaze away from Serena.



These people with their love and actions bored and annoyed Serena.



“What did you to Travis?” Doris asked loudly. She almost sounded barking. Maybe she was.



Serena used her arm to sweep Doris’ holding hand away. “I didn’t do anything,” she said calmly, adjusting her uniform clothes.



“No, I know you did something. Something you didn’t tell the polices,” Doris said, the low threatening voice coming from her mouth. She fished out a small notebook from her pocket. She held it up to Serena. “This is Travis’ notebook. I got it from his bag. He wrote things about you.”



Serena raised her eyebrow. She didn’t know Travis - she didn’t know what was in his mind. She folded her arms. “And what does it say in there?” she said. “Whatever it is, it must be nothing major.”



“He had a crush on you!” Doris said loudly, screaming accusation to Serena. Her hands started to tremble and her eyes were in the brink of tears. “He wrote countless pages about his crush on you and how you never noticed her. I thought - I thought maybe he did it on purpose, committing suicide just before you entered here.”



Is this girl for real? Serena thought, disbelief showed in her gasp. “You’re jumping into conclusion here. There’s nothing indicates his want of suicide. He didn’t say anything about me being the cause of his death - you even heard it, his death is unnatural. No reduction of colours.”



Serena thought back of the first time she came into the toilet and saw Travis. He didn’t lose any colours but his breath sure stopped. Maybe... maybe he didn’t commit suicide after all. Maybe this was all a rebellion.



“Then how?” Doris said, shaking her head, now crying silently. Her mouth quivered, and she used her had to cover it. “How did he die?



”Serena saw, then, the anguish of a girl who lost her lover. The frail state she put herself in. All for a boy’s death - a boyfriend’s death. Could this be the extent of love? Serena never understood love. She understood affection and liking but love, it seemed, stood in an entire different level. Following her instinct, she pulled Doris to her and hugged her tightly. They fell to the floor on their knees.



“It isn’t my fault, Doris. It’s not yours, not any of us,” Serena said, whispering to Doris’ ear. “Travis must had knew it. He must had realized he was a glitch in the system. Whenever he was hurt, did you see his colour faded?”



There was a brief silence before Doris said quietly, “No.”



Serena smiled faintly. “See? This was all planned. This was fate’s doing,” she said. “Doris, in our progress to make death a less occurring process by resorting to the magic system, we couldn’t escape that death would eventually strike us at one time. We could always buy colours and inject them to ourselves to prolong our lives but we are not born like that, Doris. We have been enhanced by magic. I don’t know what happened to Travis, but he died with a natural cause. His time had arrived.”



Doris’ crying got heavier, her body trembling more vigorously. “But why him? Why did he the one defying the system? Why did fate do this to me?” she said. “Travis was the light of my life. He was the reason I could get through this high school. He was my protector, my guide. Now he was gone.”



The question they always have in their minds, Serena thought. Why him? Why her? Why did fate choose him or her? Why did this happen to me? “The answer is simple, Doris. Sometimes we cannot control everything. Sometimes everything happens against our calculation to remind us we’re humans and have flaws - to remind us that we stick to the ground and follow its rules. It isn’t fair, but we are built to overcome it by the strength of our will.”



Serena looked at the pristine white toilet, the smooth ground already cleaned from Travis’ remaining. At the end, they were humans, and they needed to face faults to know that they were. There was only one thing she didn't understand - what was Travis doing in a female toilet? What she didn't know was that the part about her in Travis' diary wasn't written by him. He never liked girls. No natural death ended with a naked body. Never.


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Tue Jan 26, 2016 10:03 pm
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Noelle wrote a review...



Hi there! Noelle here to review as requested.

What triggered his death, then? Did someone murder him? Serena couldn’t tell - she was just a student, unlucky to be the first witness after all. How could she have known about this kind of thing? How could she know it could happen?

This is listed as a mystery short. The thing with mysteries, although I don't often read them I have read a few, is that the mystery is left up to the reader. They're the ones that do the thinking and the questioning and deducing. While the characters do that as well, there are some things that the readers will ask themselves. All of the questions in this part that I quoted would be something the reader would think of themselves. We're already starting to think about how he could've died. Serena may be asking herself those questions as well, but we don't need to know exactly what she's wondering. We can assume it's the same as us. It could read something like this instead: "Serena couldn't find anything on the body to determine how he had died." Something along those lines lets us know that she's actively thinking about it, but it doesn't going into exact detail. We assume the rest.

She hoped the death of the boy named Travis could be solved.

So she's known the name of this guy the whole time? Why didn't she mention it in the first place? The way this is written I was assuming that she didn't know this boy at all. Now seeing this thrown out there, I realize she does know the boy. But it's still thrown in our face. Maybe find a way to describe a bit about him, more than just his looks. Something that'll show us that Serena knows who he is and would recognize him anywhere.

She was interrogated for a full six hours just because of this boy’s death.

I'm not a fan of specific times like this. Sure, it might've taken them six hours to interrogate her, but does it really matter? It seems like something someone wouldn't remember after it happened anyway. She's sure to be in some state of shock and/or confusion. She wouldn't be paying much attention to how long she was being held there.

She, a murderer.

Laughable. She was smarter than that.

These sentences should be together. Whether in their own paragraph or as part of the previous one, the thoughts run together.

I feel like there's a lack of an emotional reaction from Serena in this story. She found a boy dead in the bathroom. Whether she thought he was dead to begin with or not, he was dead. And she figured that out eventually. Death is one of those hard hitting subjects. A sixteen year old, most of the time, doesn't know how to deal with death, especially if it's one of their classmates. I'd like to see a bit more emotion coming from her. Even if she's not affected by the death of Travis, there's the exhaustion of being interrogated for so long that she keeps mentioning. Show us how she's exhausted. Show us how the lack of evidence spits question after question into her mind, each without an answer. It'll really bring her character to life.

Doris grabbed Serena’s shoulder and turned Serena to face her. She Doris didn’t let the shoulder go. She clutched it like she didn’t want it to go - it was so firm Serena had to resist the urge to flinch. She Doris stared at Serena, sending daggers with her deep brown eyes. She allowed silence to tense things up, and didn’t bulge, didn’t tear her gaze away from Serena.

It's always a job to balance pronouns when writing about multiple characters of the same gender. I changed a few of the places here where it should be the name instead of the pronoun. An easy way to spot something like this is to look at the last place you used a pronoun. Is the next pronoun referring to the same person? If it is, you're golden. If it's not you'll have to use the name. It keeps everything neat.

I'm impressed that Doris didn't go after Serena sooner. Maybe Doris just isn't that kind of person, who knows. But seeing that she waited a couple of days to go after the girl who might've killed her boyfriend was surprising to me. I think it could definitely work like that. It just caught me a bit off guard. I guess if Doris hadn't seen Serena the days leading up to that would be a good excuse. That's what I'm assuming. Otherwise I'm sure Doris would be at Serena's neck a while ago.

These people with their love and actions bored and annoyed Serena.

This is a perfect sentence that can be expanded upon. It's that old "show don't tell" comment. How exactly did it annoy her? What would she look like when annoyed? That's where the true emotions will come from.

He didn’t say anything about me being the cause of his death - you even heard it, his death is unnatural. No reduction of colours.”

Wait, she heard what? When was it announced that Travis died of natural causes? Did the police release a report? I feel like a part of the story is missing here.

There's a definite change in Serena from the beginning of the story to the end. That's something that everyone aims for when writing. None of this made any sense to her, but she was able to piece some of it together by the end. The scene where she's talking to Doris is sweet and actually makes me like Serena for a moment. From the beginning it seemed like she was just there, this girl who didn't want any part of this dead boy stuck in the middle of the investigation of his death. But now she seems to have realized why it's such a big deal to Doris, and I'm sure her classmates as well.

I'm not quite fond of the ending. The only mystery solved in this story is the one about how he died. Maybe that was your focus the entire time, but it still leaves so many other questions unanswered. I want to know why he was in the girl's bathroom and why he was naked. There has to be a reason for that, right? Even Serena thinks about it by the end. I'm not satisfied by the ending. A mystery, or any type of story really, can end with a few questions unanswered, but those questions are usually easy for the reader to come up with their own reasoning. There are no context clues in the story as to why Travis was in the girl's bathroom naked. I can't even come up with an idea myself.

Now, if Serena stays away from those burning questions about Travis at the end, I think it would work well. The fact that it's brought up in the last few sentences we read brings our attention back to it. I had forgotten about most of the details of Travis's death by the end because I was so focused on the talk Serena was giving Doris. It wasn't bothering me that we didn't know all the details about the boy's death. Once it was brought up again though, it started nagging at me. If you don't want to give us the answers for storytelling purposes, make sure we can really lose ourselves in the conversation between Serena and Doris. Make us forget about everything else in the story except those two.

The repetition of colors (that's how I spell it hehe) worked well. At first i was confused as to why Travis's skin still had color to it and why Serena was so obsessed with it. But then it was explained about the magic system. That was when the repetition of the word/image really hit me. I have to say, it's very clever. Good job with keeping that consistent throughout! I'm impressed.

Keep writing!
**Noelle**




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Wed Oct 21, 2015 9:46 am
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TahaT11n wrote a review...



Hey, Light...I read the story cus the title is an awesome one..

I found the first passage a little bit confusing. I think that anyone wouldn't be able to "believe a guy's dead" when he sees it first time. Specially, in this case cus it's so uncommon. But Serena couldn't believe it because of the colors. I know you have mentioned the colours...but I thought that it would be better if you wrote it something like this-"...against it-but she couldn't believe it to be a dead body".

I liked the line-"..the light of my life."

But boy, this is really coooonfusing...I couldn't get the real point. Sorry for that. Maybe because I am reading and reviewing it in a hurry...have a class.

I would have liked a conclusion to his death. Why didn't you do anything about it? The way you wrote the story, it sounded more like mystery-philosophical...hey, it's not a bad idea. So, maybe I will like to read more stories like this..

But construct the plot in a better way. Leave some questions and answer others. Whatever you are writing about, try to keep it incomplete in a satisfactory way.

Light, this is all I can tell you, for now.




Lightsong says...


Yeah, this is actually more to mystery-philosophical. I only wanted to illustrate that the way to prolong life with magic could have flaws, and Travis' death was one example of it.



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Wed Oct 21, 2015 8:49 am
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Phantom903 wrote a review...



Okay, that was a pretty good!

So a few tips.

1. Check your grammar properly, you'll find quite a few mistakes in there.
2. Pacing is good, but it's slightly lacking. I mean reader can get a bit bored in the middle there, so try to emphasize on the moments more.
3. The death is beginning of the story I assume, so it should contain, hm, a bit more suspense I suppose. Like it should be taken a bit more seriously and in a more darker perspective, than being pushed aside as something very normal.

So that is all from me. Maybe I'm over-judging this and come across as 'rude', but that's just my friendly opinion really! Good luck! I'll be looking forward to the next part!




Lightsong says...


I don't plan on making the next part. ^^' I think my message has gotten across through this piece.



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Wed Oct 21, 2015 7:12 am
Lightsong says...



I've lost it in the formatting. Sorry for the spacing.




TahaT11n says...


Be careful about it next time..




You walk into this room at your own risk, because it leads to the future, not a future that will be but one that might be. This is not a new world, it is simply an extension of what began in the old one. It has patterned itself after every dictator who has ever planted the ripping imprint of a boot on the pages of history since the beginning of time. It has refinements, technological advances, and a more sophisticated approach to the destruction of human freedom. But like every one of the super states that preceded it, it has one iron rule: logic is an enemy and truth is a menace.
— Rod Serling