Hi there! Noelle here to review as requested.
What triggered his death, then? Did someone murder him? Serena couldn’t tell - she was just a student, unlucky to be the first witness after all. How could she have known about this kind of thing? How could she know it could happen?
This is listed as a mystery short. The thing with mysteries, although I don't often read them I have read a few, is that the mystery is left up to the reader. They're the ones that do the thinking and the questioning and deducing. While the characters do that as well, there are some things that the readers will ask themselves. All of the questions in this part that I quoted would be something the reader would think of themselves. We're already starting to think about how he could've died. Serena may be asking herself those questions as well, but we don't need to know exactly what she's wondering. We can assume it's the same as us. It could read something like this instead: "Serena couldn't find anything on the body to determine how he had died." Something along those lines lets us know that she's actively thinking about it, but it doesn't going into exact detail. We assume the rest.
She hoped the death of the boy named Travis could be solved.
So she's known the name of this guy the whole time? Why didn't she mention it in the first place? The way this is written I was assuming that she didn't know this boy at all. Now seeing this thrown out there, I realize she does know the boy. But it's still thrown in our face. Maybe find a way to describe a bit about him, more than just his looks. Something that'll show us that Serena knows who he is and would recognize him anywhere.
She was interrogated for a full six hours just because of this boy’s death.
I'm not a fan of specific times like this. Sure, it might've taken them six hours to interrogate her, but does it really matter? It seems like something someone wouldn't remember after it happened anyway. She's sure to be in some state of shock and/or confusion. She wouldn't be paying much attention to how long she was being held there.
She, a murderer.
Laughable. She was smarter than that.
These sentences should be together. Whether in their own paragraph or as part of the previous one, the thoughts run together.
I feel like there's a lack of an emotional reaction from Serena in this story. She found a boy dead in the bathroom. Whether she thought he was dead to begin with or not, he was dead. And she figured that out eventually. Death is one of those hard hitting subjects. A sixteen year old, most of the time, doesn't know how to deal with death, especially if it's one of their classmates. I'd like to see a bit more emotion coming from her. Even if she's not affected by the death of Travis, there's the exhaustion of being interrogated for so long that she keeps mentioning. Show us how she's exhausted. Show us how the lack of evidence spits question after question into her mind, each without an answer. It'll really bring her character to life.
Doris grabbed Serena’s shoulder and turned Serena to face her.SheDoris didn’t let the shoulder go. She clutched it like she didn’t want it to go - it was so firm Serena had to resist the urge to flinch.SheDoris stared at Serena, sending daggers with her deep brown eyes. She allowed silence to tense things up, and didn’t bulge, didn’t tear her gaze away from Serena.
It's always a job to balance pronouns when writing about multiple characters of the same gender. I changed a few of the places here where it should be the name instead of the pronoun. An easy way to spot something like this is to look at the last place you used a pronoun. Is the next pronoun referring to the same person? If it is, you're golden. If it's not you'll have to use the name. It keeps everything neat.
I'm impressed that Doris didn't go after Serena sooner. Maybe Doris just isn't that kind of person, who knows. But seeing that she waited a couple of days to go after the girl who might've killed her boyfriend was surprising to me. I think it could definitely work like that. It just caught me a bit off guard. I guess if Doris hadn't seen Serena the days leading up to that would be a good excuse. That's what I'm assuming. Otherwise I'm sure Doris would be at Serena's neck a while ago.
These people with their love and actions bored and annoyed Serena.
This is a perfect sentence that can be expanded upon. It's that old "show don't tell" comment. How exactly did it annoy her? What would she look like when annoyed? That's where the true emotions will come from.
He didn’t say anything about me being the cause of his death - you even heard it, his death is unnatural. No reduction of colours.”
Wait, she heard what? When was it announced that Travis died of natural causes? Did the police release a report? I feel like a part of the story is missing here.
There's a definite change in Serena from the beginning of the story to the end. That's something that everyone aims for when writing. None of this made any sense to her, but she was able to piece some of it together by the end. The scene where she's talking to Doris is sweet and actually makes me like Serena for a moment. From the beginning it seemed like she was just there, this girl who didn't want any part of this dead boy stuck in the middle of the investigation of his death. But now she seems to have realized why it's such a big deal to Doris, and I'm sure her classmates as well.
I'm not quite fond of the ending. The only mystery solved in this story is the one about how he died. Maybe that was your focus the entire time, but it still leaves so many other questions unanswered. I want to know why he was in the girl's bathroom and why he was naked. There has to be a reason for that, right? Even Serena thinks about it by the end. I'm not satisfied by the ending. A mystery, or any type of story really, can end with a few questions unanswered, but those questions are usually easy for the reader to come up with their own reasoning. There are no context clues in the story as to why Travis was in the girl's bathroom naked. I can't even come up with an idea myself.
Now, if Serena stays away from those burning questions about Travis at the end, I think it would work well. The fact that it's brought up in the last few sentences we read brings our attention back to it. I had forgotten about most of the details of Travis's death by the end because I was so focused on the talk Serena was giving Doris. It wasn't bothering me that we didn't know all the details about the boy's death. Once it was brought up again though, it started nagging at me. If you don't want to give us the answers for storytelling purposes, make sure we can really lose ourselves in the conversation between Serena and Doris. Make us forget about everything else in the story except those two.
The repetition of colors (that's how I spell it hehe) worked well. At first i was confused as to why Travis's skin still had color to it and why Serena was so obsessed with it. But then it was explained about the magic system. That was when the repetition of the word/image really hit me. I have to say, it's very clever. Good job with keeping that consistent throughout! I'm impressed.
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Points: 3733
Reviews: 1417
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