Our Secret Dance [2]

‘Okay, so I guess the reason I like you might be superficial,’ I said, holding up a finger, ‘but I do think you’re a nice person. I mean, you smile at and laugh with everyone. Who wouldn’t like someone like that?’

You scratched the back of your neck. ‘Maybe. I’m not that innocent though, I’ll let you know.’ Leaning forward, you whispered. ‘Can I trust you with a secret?’

‘Um, sure, I guess.’

Immediately, you turned around and pulled up your shirt so that I could see your chocolate, well-sculpted back, but I was gasped when seeing what was on it. A pair of wings enveloped a dragon’s head in a circle – a tattoo. I was pretty sure if the school found out about this, you would be handed to the police. We were seventeen at that time, a year before our graduation. Nevertheless, I thought it was beautiful – a work of art, a part of yourself.

‘Can I – can I touch it?’

‘Sure,’ you said with a breathy voice.

I put my hand on it and you took a sharp breath. I let all my fingers trace every detail of the tattoo – how the wings were constricted in the invisible circle with a dragon’s head facing one side at the middle of them. The tattoo was located between your shoulders, the head etched onto your backbone. Your skin was smooth, and I felt like I could be at peace caressing it like this.

‘You like it?’ you asked.

‘I love it,’ I replied, my hand still on your back. ‘What does it mean?’

‘Angel-like on the outside, fierce on the inside,’ you said. I could practically hear your smile. ‘I want to be both nice and daring, but when facing the world, I prefer it to see my gentle side.’

I understood that completely. It’s easier to present to the world something familiar. I pulled my hand and you pushed down your shirt, something that I expected, but felt unfortunate. You had such a great body – maybe you worked out regularly in the gym? Apart from the tattoo, I was curious about the lines of scars on it.

‘How did you get it?’

‘A tattooist made it for me, obviously,’ you said, rolling your eyes before smiling. ‘I’d been spending money for a tattoo and finally got it enough last year. My parents didn’t know, but when they did – my father – he whipped my back with his belt, saying I had let a forbidden symbol etched on my skin. Said I’d let myself be corrupted by the demons. My parents are strict Christians.’

I covered my mouth with my hand. That was terrible. How could a father do that to his son? We were in 2018 already – I thought we had passed the time of giving harsh punishments to your children. I reached for his hand and squeezed it. ‘Tell me about it. My father still thinks it’s his responsibility to wake me up in the morning for *subuh prayer. Knocks my door until I wake up and open it. It’s like, I’m not a kid, you know?’

Aditya sighed. ‘I’ve got nothing else to say. The scars my father gave to me ruin the tattoo a little bit, don’t you think?’

I shook my head. ‘Nah, the tattoo still stands out. It’s when you look closely that you can see the scars.’ I was still furious about strict religious parents. ‘I seriously think that with the progress we make – this country makes – our minds develop too. Why can’t some people accept it’s okay if someone does something that doesn’t harm anyone else – even himself? Why do we have to enforce our ideas on others?’ I rubbed my temples. ‘It just frustrates me.’

‘Wow, you’re not this talkative before,’ you said, poking my hip and was rewarded with a sharp jerk from me.

I rolled my eyes. ‘I can be talkative to the – ’ heat rushed to my cheek ‘ – to the person I like.’ Oh well. Now that I said it, why didn’t go full frontal? ‘I like you. Like, really, really like you. And the thing about that tattoo makes me – makes me like you more. I – I want to know more.’

‘Hmm.’ The corner of your mouth twitched. ‘I thought tattoos are *haram in Islam, though?’

I shifted my position. ‘Well – they are, but – it’s kind of complicated. Personally, for me, the part where a tattoo is permanent is the only thing that makes it haram-worthy, you know? Other than that, I really, really appreciate tattoos. They’re beautiful decorations to your body.’ I frowned. ‘I don’t like it if it’s covered with them though – it takes away the focus point of said tattoos. I also might not want one because the process is painful.’

You tilted your heard. ‘But you circumcize. Isn’t that painful too?’

I felt uncomfortable with the topic you raised. Perhaps it was because I didn’t think too much of it and didn’t think it would come up in a situation like this. But I tried to answer you. ‘That – that’s different. it’s for medical purposes. You have to circumcize to keep your health.’

‘Hmm.’ You pushed the corner of your mouth upward. ‘What exactly are the medical purposes?’

‘I – ’ I didn’t know what to say and frankly, now that I think about it, you weren’t supposed to make the person you talked with speechless, you little devil. It was kind of disrupting the conversation. ‘Father said it removes your foreskin, which can give you infection. And no, don’t ask me what kind of infection. I’m not an expert,’ I said, making helpless gestures with my hands.

Then I fell into silence as a thought hit me. ‘Are yours – are yours uncut?’ While my curiosity got over me sometimes, it still didn’t help the rising heat in my cheek.

You smiled, leaned forward, and whispered, ‘Yes, I’m uncut, dear Sulaiman.’

Goosebumps. That was what I got when you said that. It wasn’t like I had never seen an uncut penis – as introvert as I looked, I still watched porn, which I would never admit to anyone – but it was different when the person of said part was in front of you. He also liked you, so the chance you got to – you got to – Oh my god, I couldn’t think straight at that time so I looked away and stared at the amazing floor.

You chuckled then, the melody of the sound relieving me a little bit. ‘We’re dudes, man. It’s not a big deal.’

‘Yeah, sure,’ I mumbled, still couldn’t take away the thought – and visualization - of a controversial you.

You rubbed my back. ‘I think I need to teach you how to loosen up.’ I could still hear your smile in your voice.

‘And I need to remind you which topic is appropriate for a conversation,’ I said, raising my eyebrows. ‘Who talks about circumcision on their first meeting?’

You chuckled again. ‘You know,’ you said, your voice turning low, ‘you look very kissable right now.’

That was it. I was sure my cheek was tomato red right now. Seriously. You managed to say things that would get my reactions easily. I thought my heart would stop beating. I meant, I would love you to kiss me, but it felt rushed.

You leaned forward, not yet in the process of kissing me since your eyes were still open, and you said with that soft voice of yours, ‘Can I kiss you?’

I blinked. I didn’t know how many times, but I was sure it was the most blinks I’d made. From the movies I had watched, the lovers just knew they wanted to kiss each other so they didn’t have to ask permission when they did it, but the way you asked me just made me feel so special, like I was cared for. Half of me craved for it, but the other half of me – the one that still didn’t die from all the flirting you’d done – was worried. This was my first time I got a meaningful conversation with my crush and it seemed like every adorable or sexy gesture from you could shatter the control I had over myself. I didn’t like that, and I was glad the cautious part of me took over me.

‘Not now!’ I said. Giving you a full-on rejection seemed harsh. ‘We just met, and this is our first conversation. Consider it – consider it a date. Not a proper one, but yeah – a date.’ I couldn’t believe I just said the d word.

Still smiling, you sighed and retreated. ‘Oh well – next time, I guess.’

Your gaze on me was penetrating. I could sense your hunger; perhaps years of bottling your feelings had caused that. It dawned on me you were just barely controlling yourself and I wanted to laugh at both of us. Here we were, both still staying in the closet, in the brink of surrendering ourselves to our hormones and lust. I might be gay, but I was still a Malaysian – by default, that made me a little bit conservative – so I didn’t want us to start something that might escalate to others we might regret.

You checked your wristwatch and frowned. ‘I… have to go. Got a football training this evening.’ You shook your head. ‘Urgh. Really want to talk more.’ You smiled. ‘How about tomorrow? I don’t have training then.’

I was taken aback by the sudden change of topic, but I composed myself quickly. After clearing my throat, I said, ‘Yeah, sure… but I’ll need your number to make sure my parents allow it or not.’

Quickly we swapped phone numbers and you looked at me with that intensity again. ‘Can I at least kiss you on the cheek.’

I was about to allow it, before I decided I should test you. If you really liked me for all the right reasons, you could wait. ‘Not yet,’ I said, smiling.

‘Fine. I’ll wait.’

I took you to the main door and saw you wave at me before leaving. There was no doubt I wanted to see you again; I just hoped everything would go as well as it did now.

*

*subuh: morning
*haram: forbidden