The interesting thing about reading a short story being published in parts is it's like seeing the development of a writer over a period of time. As in unlike the last part, the em-dashes are down. It's still not very polished though. Still some stuff like typos and subject-verb agreement errors, but I believe in your top-tier abilities in editing after the drafts are over. You smart, and you loyal that's why. *wink*
Another thing I noticed is that DJ Khaled noticed the medieval-looking armor. I kind of had a smile while reading that because you wrote it in a way that was designed to address my complaint in the last review, but once you got the minimum done you just moved on with the story lol. But it also reminded me that we writers are slaves to the audience. The readers will complain, and once that happens, the publishers point a gun at us and force us to appease the audience in the next book because sadly, the writing industry is a business and unsatisfied but vocal readers can bring us to our knees. So yeah, it gave me depression shortly after making me smile. That's cool.
I have to disagree with killeham's statement of the mask-putting-on paragraph being eerie. It was just kind of plain. I mean, the idea of putting on human face masks is pretty unsettling, like it came out of a Junji Ito graphic novel, but the description and stuff didn't do it much justice.
I think it was because it wasn't animated, I guess. It was only said that she finished wearing them, but not about how she wore them. Like, how the mask melted into her face or some process like that. Describing how Mawar looked before she transformed and detailing on the masks themselves would have helped as well.
I don't know if you're going for a horrific vibe, but I got a feeling you're tryna swing that way. DJ Khaled reacted violently, even threatening to throw up, then there's that thing that killeham said about sinister. Either way, I don't think there's any harm in spicing things up a bit.
The moment sirens went blazing hot in my head though was when the first lines of dialogue were exchanged between the two women. I tried not to mind it, but later on I realized those sirens were right.
I find it super cliche when someone addresses someone by name right after being adressed by that someone by name. Like, one guy going "Hi, Jack," and then the other guy going, "What's up, John." It's so obvious that it was written that way so that the reader could conveniently identify each character, but without considering the fact that nobody does that in real life. In formal conversations, maybe, but that exchange wasn't one. And yeah, maybe we do that in real life without our awareness, but even then, so many other works do that that you can't help but think, Hmm, this author's probably using this overused writing device for the convenience of the reader without considering the fact that noonedoesitinreallifehmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm *thinking emoji*
Besides, holding on to her name would make Mawar even more of a mysterious and shady BIATCH than she already is. Names humanize and identify something. But we humans fear and despise whatever we don't know or identify. Who knows, it also might make us root for Teratai more. Intrigue, oooooh.
Uh, yeah, that's it I guess. It's an okay story. I'm just a dedicated reviewer for now, not an avid fan. I think the reason why I wasn't budged by the mask-putting-on scene was because I revere horror stuff like Poe and Junji Ito, so I'm kinda numb sometimes.
I hope you found this review helpful, or at least entertaining. It was a pleasure doing this. I'm looking forward to when you finally finalize this thing so I can see it at its best. But for now, I guess I'll settle for the next part. Good luck in the future
-Kazumi
Points: 1937
Reviews: 91
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