z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Elemental [1]

by Lightsong


Estagria – Year 2030

I held my hands up in a defense position, but the punch was too fast for me to dodge or block. It hit my nose, sending my face to the ground, sand splashing as I fell.

‘Get up, son!’ Es Rana said, his voice booming. ‘Be more alert next time!’

I sighed and stood up, facing my opponent. Xes was bigger and taller than me, his body all muscles. I knew I didn’t stand a chance against him. No matter how much I tried, I just wasn’t born for fighting.

When I saw him, ready to strike me again, I squinted. Enveloping his body was a thin layer of air – so thin that I suspected only I could see it. I didn’t know what that meant, but after witnessing it many times, it sure didn’t help me to win my own battle.

After receiving a few more punches and kicks, I fell to the ground. The world became dark until I couldn’t think of anything else.

*

I opened my eyes to the sight of the clear blue sky. Pain needled me on my head and various parts of my body. I looked at my side and saw Es Rana tending to my wounds with a towel and healing oil. Shame surged in me; I couldn’t bear to disappoint this wonderful coach.

‘May – maybe I was too hard with him,’ Xes said from my other side. He watched me with a worried frown. I knew him; his big body came with a big heart.

I shook my head. ‘Nah, you were fine. I was the one who made it too easy.’

Es Rana didn’t say anything for a few seconds before he spoke up. ‘Xes, leave us alone.’

Xes looked at me for the last time before he left to spar with others. I closed my eyes, focusing on the chirping of birds. I found it harder to breath the fresh forest air. It seemed like Xes struck my chest too at some point.

‘Son, look at me,’ Es Rana said, prompting my eyes to open to him. ‘I know it’s hard to be in a class that is blatantly not suited for you, but you can’t give up. Other than fighting straight ahead, there are many ways to win a battle.’

I sighed. The Es’s prep talk wouldn’t make a difference. ‘How else am I going to defend myself if not by beating my opponent?’ I muttered. ‘Warrior, Assassin, Enforcer – I can’t be either one of them.’

Es Rana looked around him before leaning toward me. ‘You don’t have to be one of those – have you heard the legend about Elemental?’

I wanted to laugh. Was he implying I could be one? Elemental was a human that could create and manipulate one of the elements – fire, water, earth, wind. It was a blessing from the Naturals, the Four Corners Gods, that had deteriorated after the Earthly War. No Elemental was found since a century ago. ‘It’s a legend, Es. Nothing to do with me.’

Instead of frowning or snapping, Es said carefully, ‘I’ve noticed the way you fight, son. At first, I thought you just have a slow reaction to what’s happening, but that’s not the case, isn’t it? You saw something.’

My eyes widened and I gulped. He was thoroughly observing me the whole time? ‘Um, yeah. I – I saw something. Like – like a layer of air? Do you see it too?’

He shook his head, although he showed a hint of a smile. ‘From what I’ve read, son, seeing an element covering an Estagrian is one of the signs you’re an Elemental.’

‘It’s useless!’ I said, letting out my frustration. ‘It was remarkable the first time – hundred times later, it became a nuisance to the sight.’

‘Well, you should tell me about it, son,’ Es Rana said sternly. He stood up. ‘There’s nothing useless in the unusual. I’m not sure if I can train you how to make use of what you see, but I think I can get some ideas from the books. We’ll have extra class starting today.’ He held out his hand.

I took it and left the sparring field as he dismissed the class. Half of me thought it was a waste of time to focus on something you weren’t sure about; the other wondered if perhaps there was something to be gained out of this. At the end, I decided even if it didn’t work out, I had nothing to lose. Out of the sparring area, I joined Xes waiting for the bullet train – our houses were next to each other.

*

The next day on the sparring field, Xes volunteered to be the subject of my lesson, believing it was his duty to help a friend. Hopefully he didn’t put much attention in harming me.

‘Stay at ease, son,’ Es Rana instructed to Xes.

Xes obeyed him.

‘Do you see it?’ Es Rana asked me.

I took a step closer and squinted. I looked at his arms and legs and were surprised to see there was nothing strange enveloping them. Shaking my head, I said, ‘I’m not seeing it, Es.’

Es nodded. ‘Son, in offense position.’

Xes spread his legs, his fists ready in front of him. In a blink, a layer of air covered him.

I took a step back and saw the same thing. I nodded. ‘See it now.’

Es Rana cleared his throat. ‘From what I’ve read, the ability to create and manipulate elements – let’s call it a blessing, it’s shorter that way – has become something that activates when you are ready to fight. As an Elemental, you should be able to manipulate it. Go on – try to focus your will on it.’

The idea seemed silly, but I frowned and demand the layer to – to move? – do something. Nothing happened. Instinctively, I thought, Do something, asshole. Don’t embarrass me here.

The layer blurred for a second.

I blinked. ‘Hmph.’

‘What? What happened?’ Xes said. He was about to dismiss his form before remembering he had to maintain it.

‘You projected your thought to it, didn’t you, son?’ Es Rana asked, folding his arms and smiling.

I nodded. ‘That’s – what does that mean? It responded to my thought – does that mean it understood my thought?’

‘There are many phases in being an Elemental – some of them require him to utter Natural spells while the others practice the magic through their thoughts. Since not many people have faith in the Naturals, many of the Elementals are the second type.

‘Obviously, this can come in handy,’ Es Rana said, nodding. ‘We’ve found another way for you to fight, son.’

For the first time since I started taking fighting classes, I had some hope.

*

The tournament would start next week. Es Rana surprised everyone by listing me as one of the five-members team. I was the most dumbfounded – I meant, it had been almost a week since I practiced my Elemental skill, but I was still at the beginner level. Es Rana and I had found out I was an Air Elemental, but the only magical air I saw was one that enveloped the others. According to the books that I had come to read myself, the ability wouldn’t complete if I didn’t see the element wrapping me.

Es Rana wasn’t helpful enough, either, and I didn’t blame him. He wasn’t hired to coach students with magic; it was physical prowess that he was renowned for. His reputation as an Es would be questioned if I turned out to be a horrible combatant in the tournament – which was likely – so why took the risk?

‘See? Es Rana recognizes your potential,’ Xes said, a huge grin pasted on his face. He was listed too and had more than enough reasons to be chosen.

It was soon revealed that I was the last in the order, which was a relief. At least the chance I joined the group battles would be slim as most of them ended on the fourth individual battle. I prayed to Resha, the Deity of Progression everything would unfold in my favour.

I trained harder with Es Rana, manipulating the air surrounding him to mess with his movements. That was the main function of my Elemental ability – to disrupt or interfere. Since it still didn’t stop my opponent from dodging my attacks – I couldn’t disrupt his movements while launching an attack – Es Rana taught me a few movements that would ensure my victory. All of them were paralyzing attacks – if I managed to get one in, the opponent would be immobilized for sure.

It was still a risky fighting style, but for once, I felt like I needed to prove something.

*

We were now in the hall of the hosting school and fear started to haunt me. I still hadn’t progressed adequately; I still couldn’t see the air enveloping me. The twin girls in our team, Lila and Nali, and Xes assured me I would do fine in the tournament and it made me feel better, but every time it was our turn to participate in the group battle, the fear put me under its mercy again. Thank Resha we maintained our winning streak by securing three wins each time. It was Lila and Nali who paved way to our victory, being first and second in order. Xes finished it in the third round.

The fourth guy, a silent boy named Awen, never joined the battle. The same went to me. Although we barely talked with each other, whenever Xes put down his opponent, I thought we felt the same thing: that even if we weren’t here, the team would still win.



A/N: This one is for Story A Week (SAW), so I have a limited time frame to finish this. If there is a lack of description or the plot moves too fast, it might be because of that.


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Sun Mar 18, 2018 10:17 pm
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Nobunaga wrote a review...



Well I was going to comment on the pacing and the lack of description, but after reading your outro I see that you've already taken that into consideration. However, I was glad for the quick pacing because it helped me make it through to the end of this draft.

I do think this could be super good with a little editing to add in some more descriptive points. The whole time reading this I was left in lack of on actual setting, which made it hard to really immerse myself into your world but, like you said, you're already fully aware of that.

Other than that I have very little to say.

I feel like Es Rana said "son" a bit too much and it quickly got repetitive. And this line, "Pain needled me on my head and various parts of my body.", is awkwardly worded.

But I liked the story overall, the bare bones of it was intriguing. I would like to know more about the tournament though and what overarching importance it holds in this world.

All in all, if you posted a Part Two I'd read that too. Sorry if this is a bit jumbled and makes no sense but it's my first review here :) I hope I helped some.




Nobunaga says...


Also, how did you make a gif your profile picture??



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Sun Mar 18, 2018 10:04 pm
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Mea wrote a review...



Hey Light! This is cool, so I thought I'd go ahead and give it a quick review.

I can see that this is a short story set in the same world as Dancer of the Fire Blade, but obviously not in the same place, and I think that's really cool because we're going to get to see what life is like in other areas and explore other parts of the magic system.

I think I agree that the plot moves a bit too quickly here and doesn't spend enough time easing us into the world or helping us understand the situation of your main character (and, by the way, I don't think you actually mention his name anywhere here). In the first scene, before he gets knocked out, I think there should be a more drawn-out description of the fight, with it going blow-by-blow to more clearly show how hopeless he is against Xes and how frustrated he is that he can see something but can't figure out what it is.

I can't help but wonder why Es Rana knows how to recognize an Elemental even though they've been gone for a hundred years - maybe he has an interesting story behind that knowledge.

I think one of the main things we need is an example of how this ability works - you never actually show us a scene where he uses it to do something, and I'm having a hard time picturing it or getting an idea of how much it helps him fight better.

Also, this magic is one of the "cool factors" of your story - show it off! Use it to grab the reader's attention. Because you just go straight from "oh, there's this ability" to "oh, he trained with it," to "oh, now he's going to fight in this difficult battle" (Which, why does it exist? Why kind of school is he at, and why does it focus on fighting so much?), there isn't much sense of progression and I'm not terribly invested in his story. Also, why does he care about being able to fight well? If he really doesn't belong in that class, what stops him from walking away?

A quick worldbuilding thing - there are bullet trains in this world!? Do they run off of electricity? I didn't think they had electricity. I'm now curious and a bit confused.

Grammar, Syntax, etc.
You mentioned that this story was written a bit quickly, and honestly, I think it shows - the flow felt a bit awkward, and you had more grammar errors than normal, some of which made the explanation confusing.

Once case of this:

Elementals was a human that could create and manipulate one of the elements – fire, water, earth, wind. It The ability was a blessing from the Naturals, the Four Corners Gods, that had deteriorated after the Earthly War. No Elemental was found since a century ago. There had been no Elementals for more than a century.


The fourth guy, a silent boy named Awen, never joined the battle. The same went to me. Although we barely talked with each other, whenever Xes put down his opponent, I thought we felt the same thing: that even if we weren’t here, the team would still win.

I just didn't quite understand what you were saying here - I think you were saying that they just stood back and watched while Xes did all the fighting, but how does that work? Don't they have to fight? I think the way you worded it was just confusing.

And I'll leave it at that for now! I think I was a bit harsh, but honestly, this isn't bad at all! You have an interesting storyline and since I know this is a short story rather than a novel, I'm interested to see how you'll write a smaller and simpler plot like this. Keep it up! <3




Lightsong says...


Thanks for the review! It's set in the future Estagrian, hence the bullet train. :D



Mea says...


Ahhh, a jump in time as well. Cool! Do know that what are usually called "bullet trains" are the ones that go like 300 miles/hour and aren't really used for day-to-day transportation, but for traveling between cities and such. So they might use it if they live really far away, but otherwise they'd probably use a normal train.



Lightsong says...


Haha I didn't know! xD Thanks for the info. :D



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Sun Mar 18, 2018 5:40 pm
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AnimalQueen wrote a review...



I gotta say, you've already got me hooked on this story. I've always found nature and the elements very interesting.

You didn't say where this was happening, but I have a feeling that'll come later. It did say that this is happening in the future though, so that's one thing for sure. Judging by the names, I'm guessing the people are Spanish. Am I right there?

Again, the elements are very interesting to me. My personal favorite is fire. It never gives up. It ravages the land and destroys life. And yet, the ashes act as fertilizer for the land and new life is born.

If I could choose any power out there, I'd like to be a pyrokinetic, meaning I'd be able to control and create fire.

It sounds like the person here is going to have control over all the elements, though. That's really cool! Overall, the story sounds promising.




Lightsong says...


Thanks for the review! It's set on a fictional world, so the people are from a fictional Esteese race. xD




I cannot separate the aesthetic pleasure of seeing a butterfly and the scientific pleasure of knowing what it is.
— Vladmir Nabokov