z

Young Writers Society


12+

Out of Reach [1]

by Lightsong


You looked through the window, your eyes half-opened. It wasn’t a stare that would prompt a yawn, and I wondered. Your mind. Was there something swirling in it? Was there a network growing in it? I couldn’t guess correctly, but I could see for sure gloomy clouds in your eyes. I didn’t like the sight. I knew what you had been through, and I was at the dead end when it came to helping you. The solution for your problem seemed to be buried in the ocean, hidden in its dark depth.

I touched your shoulder rested on the table, prompting a whistle from a group of boys at the other side of the class room. I looked at them, then you, and bit my lip. You turned towards me, looked at my hand, and said, ‘You can take it away. You shouldn’t suffer too.’

I retreated my hand – something I would regret later – and didn’t look at you. Didn’t look at the boys. Instead, I filtered my ears from hearing their laughter and absorbed the mix of sounds ruining the air – multiple conversations generalized into buzzes and hums, and I felt peace a little. I couldn’t think straight – couldn’t think of the storms and floods I had to handle once my mind had room for them. Right now, I let the noisiness invaded it.

My eyes couldn’t leave you who continued staring through the window. Powder lightened your skin, your lips painted red. You put on a subtle blush on your cheek and – and you didn’t need eyelashes. Yours were the kind all girls would dream off having. Somehow, my gaze dropped a little to your nametag: Adam Khair bin Azhar Affendi. If you could, you’d slap anyone who called you Adam. You preferred Ada. Kisses on the cheek instead of pat-at-the-back hugs. Perfume over fragrance. Shoulder-length hair. I sighed. You were beautiful. How could people frown at you? I closed my eyes.

It turned out the teacher who was supposed to be in charge had something else to do. It meant half an hour of free time before the bell would ring. Despite my effort to not think of anything, my mind refused to go into a sleeping state. I opened my eyes. I ought to tell you something - it was an exciting news to me - but it didn’t feel right at that time, not when I felt like being in night market.

‘Let’s go, Daniel,’ you said. You reached the bag you had put under the table and slung it around your arm. Even your bag stood out. It only had one strap, different from the normal two-straps bags that students used and was coloured with a faded peach. You changed your bag during the first month of your… transformation. Your face was clean of make up and your hair short at that time. None would think much of your voice and the way you said things; those had stayed the same since you were in the primary school. People were familiar with it.

‘Where?’ I asked, though I had a suspicion. Your appearance might be controversial - school would see it as a rebellion and had even given you warning letters twice - but you wouldn’t act like this.

‘Anywhere but here. This school - it’s toxic now.’ You said the last part with a bit more feelings.

‘Um… but the class -’

‘Is canceled,’ you finished, raising your eyebrow. ‘Haven’t you heard the class monitor? We’re just going to the canteen.’

I looked around, a bit hesitant, before relenting. ‘Alright.’ After picking my bag, I followed you out of the classroom and the noise it contained.

We reached the stair at the end of the balcony and went down two floors. Being in Form Five - the usual form for seventeen years-old students - our classroom was at the highest floor. Thankfully, the ground floor placed a canteen, which was deserted currently. Passing by rows of long tables, you led me to the middle of them and sat down. It was the perfect place, exactly between the teachers’ dining room at our back and the counter in front of us.

‘First time you break the rule,’ I said, grinning. ‘A bit daring, are we now?’

Your eyes rolled. ‘You forget I’ve gotten two warning letters already. All because of the way I look.’ You pulled your face. ‘“Dressing like a girl is indecent for a boy like you.” My ass! I am a girl. I know I am. It’s not my fault that my feeling doesn’t match with my body.’ You rubbed your chest slightly, sighing as if you were a treasure hunter finding nothing after your venture.

I was somewhat conflicted with the matter of you being a girl. Memories of when we were kids flashed across my mind, providing me a scene of when we used to play characters in your room. I would be the father and you the mother. Neither of us was worried about it, until your mother caught you using one of her dresses. Politely, she asked me to leave the house. Since then, you didn’t ask me to play the game and would even reject if I suggested it. If you felt like you were a girl, then I was convinced it was genuine - not something you’d do to gain attentions.

At the other hand, you were born with a male body. To say that it didn’t fit you - that you’d prefer to have a female’s sounded as if you were being ungrateful. You implied the design of your body was flawed, which meant its creator had made an error. And that was something I couldn’t agree even if you pointed a gun to my forehead. Allah didn’t make mistake; there must be a reason why They put you in a male body. You just needed to look carefully for it.

I sighed.


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37 Reviews


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Sun Jul 01, 2018 10:39 pm
Boluk wrote a review...



Greetings My name is Boluk and I will review this chapter. Let me first start off by stating that the way I will do this review will have me list 9 total sets of info. The first three will be things I liked, The second will be things I don't like, and the third will be little nit picks and things that I noticed. With that in mind let's let the review begin with......

THE GOOD

1. This generally seems to have a rather simple plot with characters. So many other stories are supposed to have some otherworldly experience and it's nice to just read a story that is grounded in reality.

2. From the way that this chapter is written you give this the feeling of a choose your own adventure book but we the reader are already in a certain path being chosen for us. Also this gave me some pretty big nostalgia so that's good

3. I simply find it rather pleasing how you made the character trans. And you pull of the sense of self doubt rather beautifully as it is realistic as to how someone with gender dysphoria will more than likely act . I also like how you made the charachter just that a charachter we as the reader are able to tell right away that the protagonist is in a more morally grey area instead of a 100 percent positive and good in every conseviable way charachter like there are in so many other lgbtq stories.

THE SOMEWHAT BAD

4. For me the way you write dialogue isn't that great you constantly seem to forget to use Quotation Marks and whenever the person other than the protagonist is talking you seem to have them drone on and on and on! I'm sorry if that last sentence sounded kind of harsh I just want you to play this story out to its full potential which I have a feeling will happen very soon. Also My dialogue really sucks so I can understand your problem a bit better than most others a word of advice for you is don't let the us reviewers let you down. We reviewers are just targeting the story not you as a human being (Wow. That was a little bit of a tangent)

5. When I read this chapter for the umpteenth time to prepare for the review I noticed a jarring plot hole. If Adam-(gets slapped) I mean Ada isn't the charachter who is talking in the first person and it is in fact Daniel then how come Daniel is speaking as if he can bloody read her mind. Granted this is a tiny plot hole and I have made way worse ones (Seriously check out iceling. It's horrible) but it is rather noticeable. Perhaps you could change it to have Daniel just guess how Ada's feeling, based on who she acts. And since I have nothing for six let's go right on to.... The Nitpicks and stuff

7. This story seems to have some pretty good pacing except for the beginning two paragraphs. They just seem to go on and from the Way your having Daniel describe Ada makes it sound jaw if he feels that Ada has a holier that thou complexion.

8. The grammar here for the most part is good but just like what was described on number five seems pretty bad in the beginning but since it seems to get better near the end means that you have shown improvement which is good you might just want to go back and fix it and you should be all set for the high road to success.

9. This is just something I noticed and quite frankly don't care that much about but if the school that these charachter are at is supposed to be a high school then how come the kids other than our main characters are acting like such twats. It just doesn't make much sense to me unless this story takes place in like the 30s or something because nowadays modern schools are pro progressiveness even to a cult like state in some cases of schools I've been to.
Conclusion: In conclusion this story can be tweaked a bit but other than that it is fine. I rate you 8 and a half out of ten! Congrats my friend.
And that is all I have to say my name is Boluk your name is Lightsong, have a nice day and always keep writing.




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Wed Jun 06, 2018 5:35 am
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keystrings wrote a review...



Hey Lightsong!

To start with, I think this is a neatly done work! The connection between the Daniel and Ada is interesting and I'd like to see a little more of their interactions! Will there be a part two, maybe? Their friendship is definitely complex and I like how relatable it can be to readers, to show what factors into a certain relationship.

Something else I enjoy is the subject itself, and the way you presented it. With the first-person perspective, it's really interesting to be able to dive into someone's honest opinion on something really complex such as being transgender. In addition, I personally like how you made Daniel the narrator, since it gives readers who also maybe wondering how others feel. I hope that sounds like I'm not degrading the LGBT+ community to just one idea, but I myself have known a few people that are transgender, and I do find it interesting to read from other's perspectives.

Basically, I like having LGBT representation in fiction and just teen/young adult in general, and I like how others portray the very complex idea of being transgender and how that can affect one's life including family or friends.

I'd like to discuss a couple of lines from this passage, the first being this:

I wondered. Your mind.
I like the description that comes after these two lines, but I wish you could weave those longer sentences into the very short one of "Your mind." It feels so abrupt especially since it appears in the middle of the paragraph, and not even ending it. I'd like to see more of a "I wondered what could be swirling through your mind" since the imagery flowed nicely in the rest of that opening paragraph.

On a side note, I love that you left a little reflection piece on
something I would regret later
because that's a good way of developing your characters into human beings. I'm sure we'll all done things we've regretted, and I like that you used the first-person view to throw in a line like that!

Another scene I'd like to touch on is this one:
sighing as if you were a treasure hunter finding nothing after your venture.
Lines like this really bring out Ada's character, and I like seeing her stand up for herself, even when society may be against her. The simile creates an interesting image of someone trying to find something they want but don't have.

The setting is decent enough - and I could follow the movement from the classroom to a deserted cafeteria of sorts? I don't mean if you mean that to be symbolic, but if I'm getting really into this, you could link the idea of leaving a place with prejudice to start anew with people wanting to listen to their friend and understand them.

If this is the only part of this story, then I do like the bittersweet note you end this on. I'm not religious, but that's a neat aspect to add to this story and the setting itself of being in a Muslim country. That point alone brings even more to the table to begin with.

Overall, I really enjoyed the figurative language you've laced in here, and I like the characters you've constructed. I hope this review helped!




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Thu Apr 12, 2018 4:02 pm
MrBrainwasher wrote a review...



Okay, I'm gonna point out some mistakes, which I think you made. Correct me if you think otherwise.
"...into buzzes and hums, and I felt peace a little."
I think it should be felt at peace? I'm not sure though. Although use of 'peace' here sounds a little dramatic to me. 'Calmness percolated' or something else could be better. I'm sorry I extended it :P
"Right now, I let the noisiness invaded it."
I think it should be invade. It just doesn't sound correct.
"My eyes couldn’t leave you who continued staring through the window"
I have some problems with 'who'. Who is it for? The eyes? then it would be wrong grammatically. Or to the the person you're writing to? It just doesn't make sense.
Ok, tha'ts my 2 cents. I think your writing was very captivating. It was figurative, although a little too much at points but since that's how you wrote it, I as a reader wouldn't mind it probably.
Have a good day/night.
PS:- I might be wrong at all the points I stated, and you don't have to take my words as advise.




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Wed Apr 11, 2018 8:58 pm
EverLight wrote a review...



This isn't really a review but I hope this makes your day! This is really good! I really loved it!
I loved your descriptions everything, this was really well done in my opinion. I couldn't find a thing wrong with it! Maybe someone will come along and point out all the problems, but at least you can remember your first review was one that encouraged you and didn't problem find. I hope this makes your day!





I always prefer to believe the best of everybody; it saves so much trouble.
— Rudyard Kipling