Greetings My name is Boluk and I will review this chapter. Let me first start off by stating that the way I will do this review will have me list 9 total sets of info. The first three will be things I liked, The second will be things I don't like, and the third will be little nit picks and things that I noticed. With that in mind let's let the review begin with......
THE GOOD
1. This generally seems to have a rather simple plot with characters. So many other stories are supposed to have some otherworldly experience and it's nice to just read a story that is grounded in reality.
2. From the way that this chapter is written you give this the feeling of a choose your own adventure book but we the reader are already in a certain path being chosen for us. Also this gave me some pretty big nostalgia so that's good
3. I simply find it rather pleasing how you made the character trans. And you pull of the sense of self doubt rather beautifully as it is realistic as to how someone with gender dysphoria will more than likely act . I also like how you made the charachter just that a charachter we as the reader are able to tell right away that the protagonist is in a more morally grey area instead of a 100 percent positive and good in every conseviable way charachter like there are in so many other lgbtq stories.
THE SOMEWHAT BAD
4. For me the way you write dialogue isn't that great you constantly seem to forget to use Quotation Marks and whenever the person other than the protagonist is talking you seem to have them drone on and on and on! I'm sorry if that last sentence sounded kind of harsh I just want you to play this story out to its full potential which I have a feeling will happen very soon. Also My dialogue really sucks so I can understand your problem a bit better than most others a word of advice for you is don't let the us reviewers let you down. We reviewers are just targeting the story not you as a human being (Wow. That was a little bit of a tangent)
5. When I read this chapter for the umpteenth time to prepare for the review I noticed a jarring plot hole. If Adam-(gets slapped) I mean Ada isn't the charachter who is talking in the first person and it is in fact Daniel then how come Daniel is speaking as if he can bloody read her mind. Granted this is a tiny plot hole and I have made way worse ones (Seriously check out iceling. It's horrible) but it is rather noticeable. Perhaps you could change it to have Daniel just guess how Ada's feeling, based on who she acts. And since I have nothing for six let's go right on to.... The Nitpicks and stuff
7. This story seems to have some pretty good pacing except for the beginning two paragraphs. They just seem to go on and from the Way your having Daniel describe Ada makes it sound jaw if he feels that Ada has a holier that thou complexion.
8. The grammar here for the most part is good but just like what was described on number five seems pretty bad in the beginning but since it seems to get better near the end means that you have shown improvement which is good you might just want to go back and fix it and you should be all set for the high road to success.
9. This is just something I noticed and quite frankly don't care that much about but if the school that these charachter are at is supposed to be a high school then how come the kids other than our main characters are acting like such twats. It just doesn't make much sense to me unless this story takes place in like the 30s or something because nowadays modern schools are pro progressiveness even to a cult like state in some cases of schools I've been to.
Conclusion: In conclusion this story can be tweaked a bit but other than that it is fine. I rate you 8 and a half out of ten! Congrats my friend.
And that is all I have to say my name is Boluk your name is Lightsong, have a nice day and always keep writing.
Points: 1517
Reviews: 37
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