Oh crap, I thought, the panic quickly replacing my sudden anger. What the hell is that worker doing here? This wasn’t good. It was either the wall of this house too thin to avoid my voice being heard outside, or it was just me being too loud to ignore. I tried to think speedily of a way to get out of this unfortunate encounter—one that could trigger a fight. I looked at Damon, and saw while he was shocked too to see the man, he still held his composure.
He looked at me and tilted his head to the man. “He’s alone,” he said. “There’s nothing to worry about.”
The man snorted, seeming to disagree. “Both of you barged into my place without permission. You think there’s nothing to worry about?” He turned his attention to me. “And you, young lady, what was it you said about despising us to avoid robbers? Are you that negative? Or are you just plain racist?” Each of his words was injected with a sharp sting, and they hit me right at the point.
“I’m not here for that,” I said, snapping.
Looking at him, an idea occurred to me. Maybe this was a good time to test my ability, after all. I swiped my left arm at the man, and an unseen force pushed him back to the door, producing a knocking sound as his body hit it. As I stayed pointing my finger at him, he stayed attached to it, his feet slightly above the ground. A smile crept onto my face. It felt good using this ability, and even better when I used it to someone deserving it. That being said, I did feel like I was doing something physical while using it. It felt like I was actually grabbing him by his shirt.
“What the shit are you doing, Merah?” Damon said to me, hissing. He went closer to me, and was about to grab my arm when he hesitated, pulling back his hand to his side.
“Avoiding further trouble from this guy,” I said, slightly surprised with how calm my voice sounded. It might’ve been because of the position I was in—a superior one compared to the worker trapped in front of me, unlike six months ago.
“That’s ridiculous!” the man said. It wasn’t fear settling in his face—it was red anger, as his brows knitted, his eyes widened, and heavy breaths taken. “You’ve a light in you, haven’t you?”
The question caught me off-guard, and I instinctively held back my arm to my chest, as if protecting myself from something. The man fell to the ground—well, not quite, as he managed to stand on his feet, and set to launch himself to me. He was quick, but Damon was quicker. I must’ve not noticed his left arm turned its property into the wall’s zinc material, as he used it to punch the man in his stomach, effectively halting the man’s progress at me. I heard a sharp intake of breath as the man clutched the hurting spot, and he stumbled back until he fell on his butt on the ground near the door.
I felt the tiredness in the arm I used for telekinesis, and noted mentally I still had to get used to this ability. I approached the groaning man carefully, still sitting and resting his back to the wall with his hand on his stomach. I held my other arm in case I needed to use it. Damon was at my side.
“What do you know about the lights?” I said, pleased with the demanding edge in my voice.
He opened his mouth to say something, but hesitated. I suspected he wanted to say some bullshits at us but knew better than that. As his attention drifted from Damon and me and Damon again, he must’ve noticed we had cornered him, and he was at our mercy. He sighed deeply, closing his eyes, resting his head on the wall.
“When you look at them at first sight, you won’t realize they’re lights,” he said. “It’s only at their middle point where you can see a faint light. I met one of them a week ago.”
“And then?” I waited for more, but the words didn’t come out from his mouth.
Instead, I saw him open his eyes and make a frown. “How do I know you’re not with them, the dark lights?” His body turned rigid, and there was a flash of shadow across his face for a second, courtesy from the window’s flimsy curtain beside his bed.
“We’re not,” Damon said, offering his hand to the man.
The man didn’t take his hand, so Damon held it back. “That’s easy to say. Prove it.” He stared straight at Damon, and then—
Scarlet came out of me, showing of his—well—Scarlet light, and went close to the man. The man was about to scream when Damon quickly got down at the man and covered the man’s mouth with his hand. He tried to get away from Damon, but Damon quickly pressed his zinc-skinned hand against his chest, effectively pinning the man to the wall.
“Try screaming, and I swear you’ll never be able to make a sound anymore,” Damon whispered. It was clear that even if the man did scream, no one would hear him in this place. It was a good show of who was in charge here, though. Damon put on his sharpest glare to the man, and slowly released his hands from the man’s mouth and chest.
The man didn’t utter any word although I heard his heavy breaths quite clearly with his face reddening. He stared at Damon, before turning his attention to Scarlet. “You—you’re not like that light. Your colour is vibrant.”
“It’s because I’m not a bad light,” Scarlet said. He went closer to the man, and the man tried to move back a bit, albeit his back was pushing against the wall. “I’m a good light—as cheesy as it sounds—and I need your information about the bad light.”
I couldn’t suppress the puzzlement poking at my mind, so I blurted it out. “You’ve met one of them, but it seems like you don’t have it with you. How is that possible?”
The man looked at me, then Scarlet, before laughing, his body shaking. It was the laugh you heard when someone was making a fool of themselves. It wasn’t pleasant. He clutched his hurt stomach. “You haven’t told her, have you?”
Haven’t told me what? I hated secrets. “What is he talking about, Scarlet?”
Before Scarlet could reply, Mauveine went out of Damon’s body and floated closer to Scarlet. The man’s eyes widened, but he didn’t utter any loud sound, either. His body was still.
“As expected from the general,” Mauveine said, his cordial tone showing his amusement. “You haven’t told the girl about a light’s limit when it’s one of the important things you should tell.”
They talked like I wasn’t here, and I didn’t like it. If this was an important thing to know, they should tell me. Scarlet should tell me the moment we started to trust each other. If I was to help humans, I needed to have all the information needed to fight against the bad lights, axors.
I looked straight at Scarlet. “Spill it out,” I said, and the coldness in my voice didn’t bother me a bit.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hello again! Another chapter that finally gets to leave the green room!
Are these the only possibilities about why this person is here? Could this house belong to him and he's wondering why there are two strangers inside? Did they leave the door unlocked? I was under the impression both she and Damon were talking at regular volumes. I could sort of buy that the walls are thin and the sound travels, but what is this guy doing out here anyway? I would expand this inner monologue a bit and give more of her theories/assumptions about what's going on here. Figuring out what exactly is going on is the first step to figuring out what to do about it.
"I tried to quickly think of a way..."
Explain this decision a bit more too. Why does this need to end in a fight? Wouldn't you want to avoid a fight to avoid potentially getting hurt?
If he's still holding his composure, how could she tell he's also shocked to see this man? Unpack that a bit more. "I looked at Damon and could tell he was surprised too because [reason], but he looked like he was trying to keep himself together" (or something to that effect).
Now that there are two men in the room, you're going to have to be really careful with pronouns. I always want to be able to tell who "he" is. In the last paragraph we were talking about both Damon and the man so "He looked" really could reference either of them. We obviously figure out that "he" is Damon in this paragraph, but that's not until the end of the sentence. So I would start this sentence with "Damon looked at me". You can still use "he", but if there's any potential ambiguity about who "he" is referring to, use the name.
Also, how does Damon know the man is alone? Does he just assume that because no one else came inside? Did he look out the window and determine no one else is around? Is he saying this man doesn't have a light with him? Does his ability to know have to do with his special ability?
I'm not sure what "hit me right at the point" means. This shows how she feels, but I would also be interesting in having about one sentence about what she thinks of what this guy said before she responds.
You could simplify that dialogue tag by just saying "I snapped". (Love that tag by the way!)
"It" is ambiguous. Remind me what "it" is.
I like that you went into her thoughts and feelings as she uses this skill, especially since it's the first time she's used it in a real situation. The underlined part got a bit wordy for me. I think you could simply it by going right into the feeling and then right into the explanation for that feeling. Like "But it felt weird, too. I felt like I was actually grabbing him by the shirt even though I was three feet away from him."
I really liked this line and the dialogue tag/feeling that went with it.
I'm pretty sure I've said this before, but you've gotten a lot better at dialogue, dialogue tags and describing feelings. This scene is much more intense to read (which is a good thing!) with that in place.
Say what "something" is. It could be something like his words or his accusation, it doesn't have to be anything tangible.
Slow this down a bit and break it up. He fell to the ground. He managed to stand on his feet. He launched himself at her. Describe each of those events.
She's describing it, so she noticed it. I'm not sure what you mean by "his arm turning its property into the wall's zinc material".
Why is he offering his hand? Is he helping him up? Is this part of his ability or a way to prove they're telling the truth?
There's a lot of repetition of "the man" in this sentence. I know I mentioned the pronoun thing earlier (and it really wasn't a big problem in this section). Here, I feel like you were saying "the man" to avoid potential pronoun confusion, which I get. Change a bit of the wording and you can get rid of one of them to make it less apparent: "The man was about to scream when Damon quickly got down and covered the man's mouth with his hand."
I would switch these. "his chest" could be Damon's chest because he's the last male you named. You don't to use "the man" twice here, so you could do: "Damon quickly pressed his zinc-skinned hand against the man's chest, effectively pinning him to the wall."
The second "the man" could be "his" because you've just named "the man" and the mouth and chest really can't belong to anyone else.
Give me a bit more of her thought process before she blurts this out. I want to know more about what she's puzzled about, what she wants to know, and why this is the moment to figure it out.
I would mention that he says this in the direction of Scarlet (right?). Since Merah is the one that just talked, it's a little ambiguous as to who he is responding to.
Huh? (Hoping this gets explained!)
On the edge of my seat ready to read more!
Nooo! You stopped right when I was getting excited. ;-;
First off, a small continuity thing - the last chapter ends with "He closed the door," referring to the man. But here, he's still in the same room as them, talking to them, with no mention of the door being opened again. Just something really small to fix.
I like that you've put this in here about her being hostile to the immigrant workers, as it's definitely a relevant issue in society today. Something else that would be interesting is if you mentioned what race these workers are/where they are coming from, as although I and most readers would probably know about this as it applies to the USA, but they probably wouldn't know about this in this country. Also, I still don't think you've mentioned the specific country this takes place in...
I really like how the bad lights are mostly dark except for the one little glow. It seems really fitting, and it makes it seem more like they're "fallen lights," almost as if they could maybe turn good again if they wanted to... It also raises some interesting questions about how they became "fallen" in the first place.
I do feel that Merah is a bit too quick to become suspicious of Scarlet for not telling her about the "limit" - from the way Mauveine was talking, it seemed like it was just an oversight on Scarlet's part, rather than anything malicious. But I suppose we'll see!
I also didn't understand what the lights' "limit" has to do with him not having a light with him, but I assume that will be explained in the next chapter. I was also a bit confused as to why she would assume that just because he had met a light he was bonded to it. I mean, she's met several lights, and she's only bonded to one of them. I felt it was an awkward way of revealing that information.
I enjoyed the use of their powers here - it was nice to see them in action, and they seem to be coming along nicely. I also liked their display of strength, especially how you had Merah realize it wasn't strictly necessary. Those sorts of threats are ridiculously common in fiction, and here I think you did a good job of making it subtly different.
If she wants to have a fight, why is she wanting to get out of the encounter?
"Cordial" usually means something along the lines of "perfectly polite," and is usually used to show when someone is being overly polite to disguise annoyance, anger, or other ill feelings. I don't quite think a "cordial" tone fits for amusement.
And that's all I found this chapter! You're getting better and better, and I'm really looking forward to the next part.