Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.
“Father. I know this word,” it said. Took a few seconds of silence. “No, I can’t kill your father and, even if I could, I won’t. I would not allow you to kill him.”
I raised my eyebrows. The toilet seemed like a space too small now. The light was too bright in the dark. I went out of the toilet and motioned it to do the same. It floated, followed me to my bed and rested on it.
“You asked if I needed help or not. I do. I want you to kill him. It’ll solve my family problem. He’s been acting like a monster... like he's been possessed by an angry demon. I can’t stand him. We can’t stand him.” It was true. My mother and older brother, Imran, couldn’t stand him. They didn’t say it but I knew it.
Again, silence. It was more thoughtful right now, thinking the right words to say. I didn’t know why this matter was important to him. Kill my father, and I would help it. It didn't seem like a hard exchange, to be honest. It did to it, however.
“Father... my kind, we don’t have such concept. There is parent. Only creators,” it said. “I would very much kill my creator... but you certainly shouldn’t. The man you called father had cared for you ever since you were small and killing him obviously is not the right way to pay for what he had done.”
I wanted to scream at it. To tell it he changed. He was not my father anymore. He was not someone I once knew. If he kept it like this, everything would gone worse. But how could I tell something like this to someone who didn’t have any parent... who didn’t consider his creator as a parent? People changed. And sometimes... we couldn’t save them.
If we couldn’t, we eliminated them. Seemed like the best way to me. I lay down on the bed and stared at the white ceiling. What should I do with this light? As I was turning to it, my brother opened the door. I forgot to lock it. I quickly threw my blanket over the light and pretended to be sleeping.
“I can see that, Merah. What is it that you’re hiding from me?” Imran said.
I opened my eyes. “Nothing.”
“He knows about my kind. You don’t have to keep me from him,” the light said.
I wished it would stay silent but Imran didn’t seem to hear it. “What are you talking about?” I whispered to it.
Imran raised an eyebrow. I smiled at him like someone who had woken up smiled to others.
The light pushed the blanket away and got as bright as the sun. Imran widened his black eyes, all his eyebrows were raised, and held up his hands as if he wanted to stop something. “Wow,” he said. “Another one? It’s red now.” He adjusted his spectacle.
I wanted to curse at the light. It really had a free will and so far, it didn’t like to obey me. “Why can't you be discreet?” I scolded it. “You're going to freak the heck out of him.” I scratched my head in frustration and sat with my legs folded on the bed. I rested my back against the wall beside it. I stared at Imran.
The light spoke instead. “He won’t get freaked out. He had met with one of my kind two years ago. One of the Grays... I think it called itself Silver. Ask him if you don’t believe me.”
I raised my eyebrow at Imran.
Still looking at it, he nodded. “Yeah. A gray light. It helped me to solve my bully problem a lot.” He turned his eyes on me. “At that time, I thought it was my guiding light. Maybe this one is yours.” He gestured towards it.
I bit my lip. I didn't want to tell him I’d just asked it to kill our father. If there was a problem that I needed some guide to solve it, it was my father. But how could I, what, change him? That guy was the most insufferable man I had ever met. Ever since he married Satilah, he had gotten worse. More unfair than ever.
“It said something about we in danger, about a plan his bad people had prepared for us.” I looked at it. “Do you have a name? You said the other one was Silver.”
It hummed and moved in a small circle. Absently, I assumed. “Yes, I do. I’m from the Reds. My name is Scarlet. From the Western movies I've watched, Scarlet is associated with a girl but I'm definitely male. A male light.”
“A male light,” I repeated, tasting the strange term in my mouth. I got up from the bed and did some stretching. It felt nice. I remembered something and turned to Imran. “Oh, right. Why did you come here?”
“It’s Asar. Time to pray,” he said. “In a group.”
I groaned. A group pray meant a leader should lead us, and that leader would be my father. I didn't want to see him, not after the fight my mother and I had with him. I was a bit surprised he still thought to lead the pray after that. I was glad he became more pious but his temper was still the same - horrible. I just hoped with me being silent, nothing bad would happen.
“Wait for me outside. I'll go get my clothes,” I replied. Imran exited the room and I turned toward Scarlet. “I’m hoping you can turn me invisible now. Let me run away from this.”
It was quick to reply. “You can’t run. Eventually, you have to face it. Deal with it.” It floated away from the bed and took a tour around the room. “You go pray. I'll stay here. It’s interesting to explore everything in here.”
The last statement alarmed me. “Don't you dare poke around too much. There are private things I would like to keep to myself.” I paused for a moment. “And don't ever use your ability in here. What you can do is called telekinesis, and if used here can make everything messy. I don't want to keep everything for nothing.”
“Yeah, yeah, whatever,” it murmured, and phased into my wooden wardrobe. That surprised me a bit.
A/N: Right now, the novel title would stay this way until it's finished to maintain consistency and avoid confusion. Title suggestions are in consideration. Reviews are very much appreciated.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hello again!
Let's get right into the good stuff.
This can be one sentence - "...it said, and took a few seconds of silence". That flows better because the period breaks it up more than a comma would. You could also simplify the language and say "...it said, and paused for a second." You achieve the same meaning with five words after the comma instead of seven words.
The wording is funny here. Read this out loud in the contest of the rest of the paragraph and see what you think.
The MC doesn't literally come out of the toilet. She (right?) comes out of the room that the toilet is in, right? Like the bathroom, or the water closet, right? The wording on this and the previous sentence I pointed out might be a cultural thing because I know we don't live in the same place, and if that's the case, my bad!
The girl has known this light for like ten seconds and this is a pretty big thing to trust it with. She knows relatively nothing about this light and has no reason to trust it and has every reason to be totally freaked out that there is a talking light in her room. And yet she's trusting this thing with all of this very personal and difficult information. Doesn't feel overly authentic to me.
How does she know that this is what the light is thinking and feeling? She doesn't have a window into his head. She can assume this is what he's thinking/feeling, but she can't know.
Take out that second sentence because it takes away the power of the first sentence. The first sentence is a nice glimpse into her voice and personality which is great and you need that because this is first person. The second sentence is not the MC's voice, it's a comment about light that negates the voice/personality bit.
Great!! Here is some voice and some personality and some thoughts/feelings. Super important for first person. Gimme moooore.
I slashed the last bit because it kind of came out of nowhere and didn't relate to the rest of the paragraph. I think it relates more to the next paragraph, so I would think of a way to transition this idea (her frustration at the light) into the next idea (the problem - how people change; and what she wants to do about it - eliminating them). I would also like more explanation about why the answer to people changing is eliminating them. Seems a bit extreme.
New paragraph here and then elaborate. I want to know all of her thoughts about this situation and how she's thinking through her dilemma. And meanwhile, while she's thinking all of these lovely thoughts, what is the light doing?
Why should the light obey her and why does she expect it to? She has known about the light for ten seconds. The rules and everything about how this works should still be a bit of a mystery to her.
Great internal monologue. Great ounce of info about the father and the back story. More of this kind of stuff please
How does she feel about this information? I liked "the strange term", but I want to know more of her feelings about this entire situation. And show me don't tell me
I really like the cultural component you're adding in here (I'm going to talk more about that in the next segment when I talk about chapter 1 as a whole). I really appreciated that you explained in a really concise way what "Asar" means for those of us that are not familiar with their culture and then added in the nice internal monologue about what she thinks and how she feels about this.
This confused me. Why does she think she can boss this light around? (She literally just met it and I would think this would still be a bit overwhelming to her). How does she know what the light can do and what it's called? (The light has told her barely anything about his abilities). And I thought the last sentence was worded funny and I'm not sure what you were trying to say.
I'll give you some more overall thoughts of chapter 1 after I read the next segment! In the meantime, let me know if you have any questions or if anything I said was confusing!
Wassup, my home dawg
The plan is to review this bad boy for you, and then move on to Ruby of Revenge because hey, why not? Plus I have a seminar I want to pretend doesn't exist at 9am tomorrow, so this is my form of procrastination. Anyway, you're not here for my life story, so let's get onto it.
Just a quick note: I really want to start reading this properly, but I always have a gazillion reviews reviews to do that I've promised people, so haven't gotten round to it. What I'm thinking I might do is just read the whole thing (so far), and then give you one big overall review on the last chapter posted. Would that be cool? I always feel bad about not reviewing every chapter of a novel, it's like a complex or something idk.
Anywho, actually onto the review!
Is it bad that I wanted Scarlett to be like HELL YEAH, I'LL KILL HIM? I have a very dark soul. In all seriousness, this is still super interesting to me. I think this whole good and bad light concept is so fascinating and intriguing, and there is so much you could do with it. In terms of progression, there isn't heaps of it from the last part to this one, so my critiques may be lacking. That's not a bad thing because this is still the first chapter, right? So obviously loads of crazy stuff isn't going to happen within one chapter. It gave us a chance to get to know Scarlett a bit more, as well as Merah, and it introduced us to Imran. I'm a big fan of character development so I sure don't have any complaints. Overall, a really nice read!
In all honesty, I don't have many critiques for you because most things have been covered by your previous reviewers, plus there simply wasn't an awful lot that bothered me here. I think the main thing that's bugging me is how calmly and normal everyone is reacting to these lights. I can't remember if I mentioned this in the last chapter (I may have...) but it just seems so strange to me. Even though Imran has encountered these lights before, surely Scarlett would still leave him somewhat shocked? I mean, to begin with, Imran saw a white light and Scarlett is bright red.
Oh, also, random question: it seems weird that the lights have named themselves after their colours, like, surely those names are all taken? I mean, there's a limit to the variation of colour names out there. Dumb question, but sh, leave me be.
Anyway, yes, character reactions. Merah seems generally calm about the whole situation, as does Imran. For someone who wants their father dead, she can't be an awfully calm person. Calm probably isn't the right word, but do you sort of understand what I'm saying? This critique applies more to Imran, really, as Merah's initial encounter with Scarlett was in the previous part. It's just that him seeing the light, being like yeah whatever, cool and then being like okay let's go pray just seems oddly subdue. I don't know if this has made any sense whatsoever, but if it has it's just something to think about, y'know?
The only other thing I can really critique you for here is a tendency to show, not tell. This is mainly in regard to Merah's father, really. You've told us several times now that he's this awful, abusive man, but we've not seen any of it. Considering he's meant to be so bad that Merah wants him dead, he has to be badd. Really bad. As it stands, Merah's desire to kill him just seems so, so extreme because we're yet to see how bad this guy is. We can assume and all that, but until we actually see this man being so horrendous, it's difficult to understand why Merah's desire is so extreme and so great. I'm guessing we'll see him in the next part when Merah leaves to pray, but due to the fact he's been one of the main topics so far in this chapter, I can't help feeling like we need to have seen him by now.
That's all I've got, I think. I'm so sorry I've not been of great help. I just hope that there's something in that mess of a review that will guide you in some shape or form, and if I've made no sense at any point please do bug me about it because I feel like that's 100% happened. Negatives aside, I definitely want to read the rest of it, and if you're happy for me to do so I definitely think I'll read the whole thing and then give you one big review at the end of it. Let me know if you've got any comments or queries regarding this review!
Keep writing,
xoxo Skins
If you want to give a big review at the end, sure! Go ahead!
Hello Lightsong. I am pretty surprised that there are only three reviews of this so far, because since this is the first chapter I was expecting a little bit more. Anyways, here I am, back and ready to tackle this chapter.
I like how you introduced a new character's knowledge here, because I had a feeling like Imran and Merah were going to try and fit together all of the information about the lights like a big puzzle board. Like they are bringing their information to the table and trying to piece it together.
Anyways, I think that this chapter was very slow-paced for a first chapter, because it seemed like a filler compared to the prologue which seemed surprisingly shocking in a way because of the information that we got. Also, I know that this might be a pain, but after inspecting this chapter I concluded that your prologue isn't indeed a prologue at all. Because it doesn't qualify for it; chapter 1 comes right after it, and the prologue has a natural feel, in the way that you can slide one chapter right into another actually.
You need a stronger hook here in the first sentence. I think that this is just an interruption of the dialogue from the prologue, and where you broke off is fine (because as I recall, there was a cliffhanger there, but I think that this pales in comparison to what should be a real "hook" in the beginning." I think that maybe if you switched up the order, it might sound better if you choose it like this: "“No, I can’t kill your father and, even if I could, I won’t. I would not allow you to kill him. A couple seconds of silence passed."
This intrigues me much more, because it seems kind of harsh that she wanted to kill her father, especially that we don't know her interior motives so early on in the novel, although I do have to give some credit: you do try and do your best to explain this.
I'm confused on your execution here honestly. I think that you want to suggest change, but the question that is rolling around my head is: "isn't toilet space always too small? isn't a bright light very unusual to be living inside the toilet?" I think that you made it seem like Medah actually accepts this as kind of normal, except everything slightly shifted. Isn't she still baffled and weirded out by all of these happenings?
All of this just seems like repeating the same obvious point: noone can stand him. First of all, the fact that Medah wants him killed already obviously suggests that. And it's fine that she is telling and expressing this to the good light, it's just that I don't thin that you need to repeat it that many times. What about if you just deleted everything except the sentence in blue maybe?
Wow o.O That's very contradictory. The light is practically acting in a hypocritical way about his creator, while banning Medah from doing the same. Also, that first wording in the first phrase is awkward. You could probably either word it by adding those words in the parenthesis, or maybe switch it up another way and make it read like this:
"I would like to kill my creator very much..." I think that this is a better way to state what the light is trying to convey here.
I think that you may have an overuse of ellipsis here, because they are literally scattered everywhere in your chapter. I don't why you do this, but my guess is that this is probably just a writer's habit. Here is a resourcethat you may find helpful. Basically an ellipsis is when you would want to emit some words out of a quotation, that's the only grammatical way that you should be using it.
This is a very cliche line in my opinion, and although it could be taken as quite literally a guiding light, I would probably try to come up with something way more unique or something like that, so that you give the character a voice and a narrative to work with.
Ok, so I wanted to adress an issue right now that has been bothering me pretty much thorughout the whole chapter. I never saw what this father of Merah's is made up of. This is too much telling and not enough showing. I want to see his father in action, I want you to write a scene where he physically or emotionally abuses his sons, so that I can see why Merah would want to kill him. Right now, these words and reasons are not holding strong enough for me, because it would really help if you showed a little bit more.
This line seemed kind of random, because you didn't really try to bring out the emotion of surprise throughout this whole chapter. I didn't see it when the light moved to his room, or when he forbade the killing, or when he said that he was a male named Scarlet. I guess that here at the end, maybe Merah realizes that he underestimated his abilities and is suprised as Scarlet goes into into his wooden wardrobe. I guess that I'm saying is that I don't know what to make out of this very unexpected ending here.
That's all that I have for this chapter, I would just work on editing and implementing those things that you have mentioned. I hope that this helps and if you have any questions, you know where to find me.
~P.S.
Hey Lightsong, here's a review as promised.
This chapter part did a decent job in clarifying any doubts from the prologue and introducing a new character. It also established the scene and shed some light on some of the dynamics in Merah's family. I'll ignore the linguistic errors for now (though I fully expect you to sort out every single one of them eventually), so here are some things I'd like to highlight.
1) Characterisation of Scarlet and the other lights.
As it is I'm thoroughly underwhelmed by Scarlet. In the prologue he seemed enigmatic and mysterious, and I thought this was fitting, since he was a light which suddenly appeared in a toilet bowl. But this chapter he seems so... sensible, I suppose. He turns down Merah's request for help and gives a very politically-correct and conventional reason why. It apparently watches Western movies, and is far too conversational for my taste. Where did all that suspense from the prologue go? Why's he suddenly so casual and sensible? That's not what I'd expect from an alien species of floating lights.
And not just him, the other characters react to him in the most unsurprised way imaginable. Merah isn't even the least bit frightened, or even surprised, that there's a floating light talking to him. Imran doesn't even seem to give a damn, and he talks about Silver like any other person and definitely not a floating light. I'd like to see some logic in their reaction. If I saw a floating light and it talked to me I'd be pretty on edge for a while. Put yourself in the characters' shoes and try and figure out what they feel. All in all I'm disappointed with how lacklustre the lights are turning out to be, personality-wise.
2) Pacing
As ClackFlip pointed out, the story so far seems rushed. I don't feel enough emphasis was put on setting up the various scenes through setting and atmosphere. Right now I don't find myself immersed in the story at all. You've written some of Merah's thoughts and intentions but you need to emphasise them and weave them skilfully into your narrative. And most importantly, you need to do it in a linguistically-sound and logical manner, lest your exposition seem hackneyed and out of place.
3) Clarity of Expression
At some points of the chapter I can't tell what you're trying to express. Examples:
"The toilet seemed like a space too small now."
What, did the toilet just shrink by itself? Or, perhaps, was it because Merah slowly came to the realisation that holding a conversation in a claustrophobic toilet was odd? Make this clear - right now it sounds downright stupid.
"I smiled at him like someone who had woken up smiled to others."
What does this even mean? It makes zero grammatical sense. Why would someone who wakes up smile to others? What does that even look like? How do you even smile like that? If there's a better simile to use in this case then use that and not this one.
These are just two examples out of many. You need to write clearer, or risk everyone misunderstanding what you say.
4) Dialogue
You need to write dialogue properly. Content-wise it is fine, although awkward. In formatting, here are a few rules:
All dialogue begins in a new paragraph. That means paragraphs 11, 13, 14, 17, 20 & 26 all need to be split up.
If your dialogue is too long, separate it into two logical parts with a dialogue signpost in between. For instance:
“You asked if I needed help or not. I do. I want you to kill him. It’ll solve my family problem. He’s been acting like a monster... like he's been possessed by an angry demon. I can’t stand him. We can’t stand him.”
could be written as
“You asked if I needed help or not," I asserted. "I do. I want you to kill him. It’ll solve my family problem. He’s been acting like a monster... like he's been possessed by an angry demon. I can’t stand him. We can’t stand him.”
Always signpost your dialogue. At points your pieces of dialogue have no attribution (though it's easy to figure out who says what). Always remember to append your dialogue with "he/she/it said (or any other word that denotes speech)". This is just proper grammar.
That's all I have for now. I have no doubts that you've got a good story in the works - but you need to write it properly. It doesn't matter if you have the best idea in the world - if your presentation of it sucks no one will appreciate it, and that's a waste. Learn from the mistakes you have made and never repeat them.
I'll take a look at the next few parts soon.
(*q)Like he has been possessed by an angry demon.(q*)
Or
"Like he's been possessed by an angry demon."
(*q)It didn’t seem like a hard exchange(q*)
The son seems more like a psychopath then the father really. You know what your main issue is? We haven't seen dad in action. Imagine Harry Potter starting right when Hagrid comes for Harry to rescue him. Then he harasses the dursley's. We don't know how to feel about it. If the father is a jerk show us. Otherwise I think the son is dislikable and childlike. I know he's a kid but death, really? How come normal teens don't do this when they are in that same situation? They'd probably say I want you to hurt him or Can you protect me from my dad. Death isn't easy, no matter what people say. Anyway you need to show us this dad being hateful. When?
You have to do it now in chapter 1, and your prologue if you ask me is chapter 1. This is more like chapter 2. Imagine someone picking up this novel and skipping the prologue. They'd be really lost. My advice is to give a sense of your world before the lights come in.
(*q)Imran saw me do it and raised an eyebrow. I gave him a lazy smile.(q*)
Imran raised an eyebrow. I smiled at him lazily. (although I wouldn't use that word, lazy)
"besides it"
you mean beside it.
(*q)silencing myself to hear him speak.(q*) omit this line, it doesn't do much.
(*q)He won’t got freaked out(q*) He won't get.
"expecting a reply" omit this line.
Scarlet is associated with a girl but I’m definitely male.
In my opinion an alien from the galaxy would've thrown away labels like male and female. Just my opinion.
you misspelled coincidence at the end, and used mine instead of me.
Also it could do without the last paragraph. You are telling us what to expect. That's bad writing. You need to show us this. You do fine usually, but whenever you have a major plot point you tell it to us because you're afraid the reader won't pick it up. If we are paying attention we should. Being subtle is hard and writers need to master it, you'll do fine. What I recommend because it is important information is that you have more a beginning, show us the dad, give us a little more time to develop a feeling toward some of the character. Make him do specific things, like lets say the stubbornness of the kid makes him clumsy and he drops stuff everywhere. And you show the light do the same thing. And maybe your character jumps into bed, he doesn't sit. And the light jumps into bed as well. It has to be more than one thing for us to catch it, remember don't be too obvious.
Someone mentioned pacing issues. Not sure I agree with that but certainly take your time whenever writing a scene. Good effort!
Thanks for the suggestion!
Back again! I enjoyed the cliffhanger of the last so I just jumped into this one.
All sixteen of them?
Anyway, let me explain some pacing issues I have with your story so we can get the next chapter out!
I have no idea where this pacing is coming from.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=snwpg8s2bPg This kind of explains my thoughts on the subject.
These chapters progress so quickly I feel like you're chapters have taken speed courses from lightning! Slow down, try to get what you mean across in a way that we can understand, let us digest it with a breather, next chunk of information.
Does that make sense?
Make sure to notify me about further chapters!
The pace is too fast?
I thought it was the other way around since it was mostly all talk and zero action. The information given isn't that much. Thanks anyway! Please click the Like button if you like it! XD