Hello again! I'm ready to be all up to date on this novel, how about you! I'm just going to jump right into the good stuff.
and started to drift from left to right as if staying still would only boil him.
I'm not sure I understand this expression. "would only boil him" - like would only make him angrier?
His voice was irregular - edges of desperation and anxiety saturated in it, fitting with his constant move from one side to another. His light changed brightness within each second. This was a different Scarlet. This was him thinking about the future of the aseal - his people, not the one who originally wanted to help him. I was trying to believe him, but there was something bugging me that even myself couldn’t figure it. It was just -
Loooove this inner monologue and description of how Scarlet looks and sounds as he's talking.
“I know a way to show you. To my world.” He chuckled. “Seems convenient, but the heck” - I raised my eyebrow to his increasing use of human’s expressions - “with that. You need to see it to believe what you’re doing is right. Let’s go.”
Eyebrows <3
I think this dialogue can be tweaked a bit. I think the first two sentences could be combined - "I know a way to show you my world" to make it less choppy. Also, they're not literally going to his world right now.
I love the eyebrow description, but I would wait to use it until the end of that sentence of dialogue so you don't cut the sentence in half. That's confusing.
He must realized I was still sitting on the bed without any intention as he appeared from the door.
"He must have realized..."
"without any intention to [do what] as he appeared at the door"
Not knowing what he had in mind, I slowly ditched the bed and went out of the room.
There's nothing technically wrong with this, but big prepositions are a pet peeve of mine. I think "I didn't know what he had in mind, but I slowly..." sounds better because it's more active.
His hair was not yet messy, and his eyes were not yet wavering.
Why would his hair be messy and why would his eyes be wavering?
“I’m guessing there’s something both of you want to talk to us.”
Add "about" to the end of this sentence.
When I was in, I saw Silver and Scarlet on the bed.
Now since they're balls of light, they're not literally on the bed, right? They're sort of floating over the bed?
Imran joined him and so was I. I furrowed my eyebrows to Scarlet.
That first sentence is a bit confusing. Maybe "Imran and I joined them on the bed." ?
And then I would start a new paragraph at "I furrowed" because you've moved from describing this set-up to Merah's specific actions. I would also say "towards" rather than "to".
she always memorize important details in the war ground that could be used to our advantage.”
"memorized" "on the war ground"
He floated a bit to Silver, probably prompting her to do something.
This is vague. What does he prompt her to do?
She must had seen the frown plastered on Imran’s face, since she added,
I'm glad that Imran is still being involved in this and that his confusion came through. He wouldn't have any idea of what they were talking about so I'm glad Silver explained.
I’ve no idea of the reason I’ve to do this, but I guess eventually Scarlet would tell. I couldn’t sustain my illusion longer as I could with Imran a couple years ago, however, since I’d use my own imagination, which means I’d rely with my own power.”
I think your dialogue has improved a lot, but this little part fell flat for me. It sounded overly formal and mechanical to me. I'm not sure you need it. You might be able to stick with the previous sentence that explains what she's about to do.
Imran didn’t reply, but he gave her a nod. He leaned back to his bed’s head, closing his eyes. “I’m going to take a rest. The practice was tiring.”
He's not curious about this and he's just going to go to sleep? Even if he's warn out, I would think he would want to know what Silver is going to show them so he's in on the knowledge too. After all, he's a part of this battle now too. (Unless this is something Silver has already shown him...)
I'm also wondering where Sarah is and other boy and why they're not part of this training. I would think they would want to know this information too, or should the reader assume that their own lights are covering this sort of training with each of them back at their own houses? I feel like they should all be on the same page and have a similar bank of knowledge about this situation and what they're up against so they're on an even playing field and can better help one another.
That’d be brief since I was sure only half an hour had passed since I left him.
"It had to have been brief since I was..."
Maybe he was already good at using it two years ago.
What is "it"?
I couldn’t smell the air’s scent or the sounds lifting up the atmosphere.
"or hear the sounds..."
It was bizarre. I didn’t expect it to be this way at all - I always imagined the aseal’s world to be full of lights, portraying a fairy-tail-like view.
My view of what I thought their world would look like was pretty similar to her idea. You did a nice job giving a snapshot of what this world looks like.
It’s only suited for areym, as they are nocturnal creatures. They have adapted to the pitch-black surrounding, searching for food at every dark edges. They continue to thrive while other creatures continue to get closer to extinction.”
I was wondering what their motivation was for making the world dark. Got it
I saw Scarlet approaching her, leaving the asleep Imran.
"leaving Imran asleep."
Man he fell asleep quickly! That vision didn't take that long and they were talking through it. He couldn't have just stayed awake?
I didn't mean to get so bogged down with grammar stuff, but your writing has improved a lot and I didn't have a lot of other things to say! All of your descriptions and things are very clear and I think I have a pretty good understanding of what the situation is with these lights and why they're doing what they're doing.
English isn't your first language, right? If you have any questions about any of the grammar stuff I pointed out, I'll try to explain more thoroughly. And if you have any other questions or if anything I said was confusing, let me know! I'll see you soon!
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