z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Bad Lights, Good Lights [Chapter 7.3]

by Lightsong


Scarlet noticed the change of my expression and hummed, annoyed. “You don’t believe me?” he said, and started to drift from left to right as if staying still would only boil him. “You don’t see it - the wonder of our world - the aseal’s world. We live in peace with other creatures - coexist with them. They - the axors - are trying to destroy that. They want to envelop the world in pitch blackness, in a surrounding where nothing is certain.”

His voice was irregular - edges of desperation and anxiety saturated in it, fitting with his constant move from one side to another. His light changed brightness within each second. This was a different Scarlet. This was him thinking about the future of the aseal - his people, not the one who originally wanted to help him. I was trying to believe him, but there was something bugging me that even myself couldn’t figure it. It was just -

“Oh!” he said, the lift of his voice showing his exclamation. “I know a way to show you. To my world.” He chuckled. “Seems convenient, but the heck” - I raised my eyebrow to his increasing use of human’s expressions - “with that. You need to see it to believe what you’re doing is right. Let’s go.”

My brows furrowed and I leaned toward him. “Go where?”

“To Imran’s room - to Silver.” He floated to the door and passed through it. He must realized I was still sitting on the bed without any intention as he appeared from the door. “Well? Come on. She can show you.”

Not knowing what he had in mind, I slowly ditched the bed and went out of the room. The television’s sound was gone; Imran should be in his room now. I passed the living room and went to Imran’s bedroom just at the side of it. I was about to knock the door when Scarlet passed through it. I sighed. A moment later, the door opened, and there was Imran, his hand gripping the door’s handle. His hair was not yet messy, and his eyes were not yet wavering.

“Scarlet told me to let you in,” he said. “I’m guessing there’s something both of you want to talk to us.” He opened the door wider, prompting me to go inside.

When I was in, I saw Silver and Scarlet on the bed. Imran joined him and so was I. I furrowed my eyebrows to Scarlet. “Okay, we’re here. What is it that you want me to see.”

“Our world,” he said immediately. “We can’t possibly go there, but Silver can show it to you. Her imagination is vivid - she always memorize important details in the war ground that could be used to our advantage.” He floated a bit to Silver, probably prompting her to do something.

“Oh, I understand now,” Silver said. She must had seen the frown plastered on Imran’s face, since she added, “I can make an illusion for Merah to see - one that’s based from our world. I’ve no idea of the reason I’ve to do this, but I guess eventually Scarlet would tell. I couldn’t sustain my illusion longer as I could with Imran a couple years ago, however, since I’d use my own imagination, which means I’d rely with my own power.”

Imran didn’t reply, but he gave her a nod. He leaned back to his bed’s head, closing his eyes. “I’m going to take a rest. The practice was tiring.”

I didn’t know he had already trained himself with Silver. That’d be brief since I was sure only half an hour had passed since I left him. I shrugged off the thought. Maybe he was already good at using it two years ago. Without warning or anything, a light breeze tickled my cheek, and when I turned around, my eyes widened and my mouth opened.

In front of me was not Imran’s bed, but a different thing entirely. It was the view of an open area from above. I couldn’t smell the air’s scent or the sounds lifting up the atmosphere. The floor was flat and smooth, covered with tiles in various shapes and colours to make various patterns on it. The creatures walking by were strange. They consisted of various sizes and heights, and colours varied from white to black and red to blue. Some walked on two feet, others walked on four, while a few walked without a foot at all. Most of them had two eyes while a few had one. It was crowded.

Although they were different from each other, I did notice the glaring similarity between them - they all had faint glowing lights enveloping their bodies. Most of the lights had pale shaded while a few had a bit darker colour hugging the creatures. It was bizarre. I didn’t expect it to be this way at all - I always imagined the aseal’s world to be full of lights, portraying a fairy-tail-like view.

“As you can see, what are in front of us are not lights, but creatures,” a familiar voice said, which made me jump a bit before I tilted my head to the side. It was Silver. “Some creatures are local, others not. We enter the latter’s worlds and fuse with them, sharing our lives with theirs. They bear the characteristics of animals - live to survive and breed. Nothing more, nothing less.”

I barely heard her, absorbed with the view below me. It dawned on me the light brightening this area wasn’t a brilliant orange, but rather a pale blue. Turning my head to the sky, I saw a few faint blue lights hovering around, emitting the light for the place. They’ve no sun, I thought.The aseal depended on some who could produce a blinding light.

“Now you know why aseal are fighting against areym,” Silver said with her dulcet voice. “In areym’s world, there was no light at all - no creature is able to live there for long without any guidance to find food or shelter. It’s only suited for areym, as they are nocturnal creatures. They have adapted to the pitch-black surrounding, searching for food at every dark edges. They continue to thrive while other creatures continue to get closer to extinction.”

I nodded, looking at a creature among the crowd. Its skin was painted in hydrangea’s colour, having a round head with bunny’s ears; eyes black and shiny like those of an ant; piranha-like teeth lining up in its opened mouth; four long and slender feet balancing it. It was agile, but a slight friction with others caused it to tremble a bit, almost losing its stability. If this creature lived in areym’s dark world, they would die shortly.

The peculiar view vanished when a light breeze hit me again, and Imran and Scarlet were in front of me. I blinked a few times. Silver was at my side, humming in a monotonous fashion, her light dimmer than usual - she was close to being transparent, molding with the background. I saw Scarlet approaching her, leaving the asleep Imran.

“The illusion exhausts her,” he said, his voice bared with concern. “We aseal use our ability to a limited extend - if used with a human, the illusion is a piece of cake, but if used with our minuscule energy, it’d feel like carrying a plenty of bricks for several hours. She needs to rest.”

I didn’t reply. What I’d just saw changed my perspective. Aseal’s mission was a noble one - they were trying stop areym from causing the extinction of innocent, harmless creatures roaming around their world. If this was another reason to fight against their ally, axors, I’d take it. I’d take it if this was the only way to save those creatures. I looked at Scarlet. “Let’s start our training,” I said. “We need to prepare for tomorrow.”


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
1162 Reviews


Points: 32055
Reviews: 1162

Donate
Mon May 02, 2016 2:49 pm
View Likes
Carlito wrote a review...



Hello again! :D I'm ready to be all up to date on this novel, how about you! I'm just going to jump right into the good stuff.

and started to drift from left to right as if staying still would only boil him.

I'm not sure I understand this expression. "would only boil him" - like would only make him angrier?

His voice was irregular - edges of desperation and anxiety saturated in it, fitting with his constant move from one side to another. His light changed brightness within each second. This was a different Scarlet. This was him thinking about the future of the aseal - his people, not the one who originally wanted to help him. I was trying to believe him, but there was something bugging me that even myself couldn’t figure it. It was just -

Loooove this inner monologue and description of how Scarlet looks and sounds as he's talking.

“I know a way to show you. To my world.” He chuckled. “Seems convenient, but the heck” - I raised my eyebrow to his increasing use of human’s expressions - “with that. You need to see it to believe what you’re doing is right. Let’s go.”

Eyebrows <3
I think this dialogue can be tweaked a bit. I think the first two sentences could be combined - "I know a way to show you my world" to make it less choppy. Also, they're not literally going to his world right now.
I love the eyebrow description, but I would wait to use it until the end of that sentence of dialogue so you don't cut the sentence in half. That's confusing.

He must realized I was still sitting on the bed without any intention as he appeared from the door.

"He must have realized..."
"without any intention to [do what] as he appeared at the door"

Not knowing what he had in mind, I slowly ditched the bed and went out of the room.

There's nothing technically wrong with this, but big prepositions are a pet peeve of mine. I think "I didn't know what he had in mind, but I slowly..." sounds better because it's more active.

His hair was not yet messy, and his eyes were not yet wavering.

Why would his hair be messy and why would his eyes be wavering?

“I’m guessing there’s something both of you want to talk to us.”

Add "about" to the end of this sentence.

When I was in, I saw Silver and Scarlet on the bed.

Now since they're balls of light, they're not literally on the bed, right? They're sort of floating over the bed?

Imran joined him and so was I. I furrowed my eyebrows to Scarlet.

That first sentence is a bit confusing. Maybe "Imran and I joined them on the bed." ?
And then I would start a new paragraph at "I furrowed" because you've moved from describing this set-up to Merah's specific actions. I would also say "towards" rather than "to".

she always memorize important details in the war ground that could be used to our advantage.”

"memorized" "on the war ground"

He floated a bit to Silver, probably prompting her to do something.

This is vague. What does he prompt her to do?

She must had seen the frown plastered on Imran’s face, since she added,

I'm glad that Imran is still being involved in this and that his confusion came through. He wouldn't have any idea of what they were talking about so I'm glad Silver explained.

I’ve no idea of the reason I’ve to do this, but I guess eventually Scarlet would tell. I couldn’t sustain my illusion longer as I could with Imran a couple years ago, however, since I’d use my own imagination, which means I’d rely with my own power.”

I think your dialogue has improved a lot, but this little part fell flat for me. It sounded overly formal and mechanical to me. I'm not sure you need it. You might be able to stick with the previous sentence that explains what she's about to do.

Imran didn’t reply, but he gave her a nod. He leaned back to his bed’s head, closing his eyes. “I’m going to take a rest. The practice was tiring.”

He's not curious about this and he's just going to go to sleep? Even if he's warn out, I would think he would want to know what Silver is going to show them so he's in on the knowledge too. After all, he's a part of this battle now too. (Unless this is something Silver has already shown him...)
I'm also wondering where Sarah is and other boy and why they're not part of this training. I would think they would want to know this information too, or should the reader assume that their own lights are covering this sort of training with each of them back at their own houses? I feel like they should all be on the same page and have a similar bank of knowledge about this situation and what they're up against so they're on an even playing field and can better help one another.

That’d be brief since I was sure only half an hour had passed since I left him.

"It had to have been brief since I was..."

Maybe he was already good at using it two years ago.

What is "it"?

I couldn’t smell the air’s scent or the sounds lifting up the atmosphere.

"or hear the sounds..."

It was bizarre. I didn’t expect it to be this way at all - I always imagined the aseal’s world to be full of lights, portraying a fairy-tail-like view.

My view of what I thought their world would look like was pretty similar to her idea. You did a nice job giving a snapshot of what this world looks like.

It’s only suited for areym, as they are nocturnal creatures. They have adapted to the pitch-black surrounding, searching for food at every dark edges. They continue to thrive while other creatures continue to get closer to extinction.”

I was wondering what their motivation was for making the world dark. Got it :)

I saw Scarlet approaching her, leaving the asleep Imran.

"leaving Imran asleep."
Man he fell asleep quickly! That vision didn't take that long and they were talking through it. He couldn't have just stayed awake?


I didn't mean to get so bogged down with grammar stuff, but your writing has improved a lot and I didn't have a lot of other things to say! :) All of your descriptions and things are very clear and I think I have a pretty good understanding of what the situation is with these lights and why they're doing what they're doing.
English isn't your first language, right? If you have any questions about any of the grammar stuff I pointed out, I'll try to explain more thoroughly. :) And if you have any other questions or if anything I said was confusing, let me know! I'll see you soon! :D




User avatar
1085 Reviews


Points: 90000
Reviews: 1085

Donate
Sun Jan 24, 2016 8:04 am
View Likes
Mea wrote a review...



Hey! I'm back again. Finally caught up now!

So, I think this is super-cool. I think that the illusion thing with Silver was pretty clever, and definitely better than either just having Scarlet tell her about it or having Merah somehow be able to go there. I also like how bizarre the creatures look to us.

I'd like to get the terminology straight in my head. Let me know if any of this is wrong.

Aseal - The good lights

Areym - the nocturnal creatures

Axors - the lights that have turned evil.

So what are the good creatures called? Also, why do the axors want darkness? Doesn't that seem inherently contradictory, since they're lights? And how could the axors/areym hurt the lights in the first place?

I caught more linguistic errors in this chapter, so watch out for those.

Not knowing what he had in mind, I slowly ditched the bed and went out of the room.

"Ditched" is entirely the wrong word to use here. "Ditch" is more akin to "escape from" or "leave the object somewhere on purpose." It usually applies to people, small objects, or clothing, and it's more of a lighthearted term. (And I realize I'm explaining this really badly. xD) Anyway, just using "left" would be better.

His hair was not yet messy, and his eyes were not yet wavering.

I don't really understand what you're trying to say here. Are you trying to point out that it didn't look like he had gone to bed yet? I'm just not sure why his eyes are not yet "wavering."

fairy-tail-like

In this case, it should be "tale" instead of "tail." Also, you could probably get rid of the "like."

I barely heard her, absorbed with the view below me.

Should be "absorbed in."

Also, one last nitpick - why couldn't Silver use Imran to sustain the illusion longer? Was he too tired already, or had he not learned how to do it yet?

And that's all I can think of now! Looking forward to the next chapter. :D




Lightsong says...


Thanks for the review! The illusion thingy works like this: it depends on the energy of the one who's doing the imagining. Silver's the one who imagines the light world, so she's using her energy entirely. Imran can't imagine it sincd he doesn't know how the light world looks like.



User avatar
440 Reviews


Points: 6836
Reviews: 440

Donate
Sat Jan 23, 2016 12:58 am
View Likes
Wolfi wrote a review...



Howdy, Light! :)

His voice was irregular - edges of desperation and anxiety saturated in it, fitting with his constant move from one side to another.

Meh. Try rewording it, like this:
"His irregular voice was saturated in anxiety and edged with despair, and as he darted back and forth from one side to another his crimson light flared and dimmed."
I passed the living room and went to Imran’s bedroom just at the side of it.

Unnecessary detail.
What is it that you want me to see.”

That's a question (use a question mark)!
He leaned back to his bed’s head

Huh? Do beds have heads? I know what bedheads are, but not a bed's head. Why not just "He leaned back?"
“I’m going to take a rest. The practice was tiring.”

Using "the" is very vague. Was it tonight's practice? Yesterday's practice? That practice?
Without warning or anything, a light breeze tickled my cheek, and when I turned around, my eyes widened and my mouth opened.

The underlined part is a bit too... anticlimactic. When you're writing something exciting - like here, transitioning into a new world - you actually need shorter, choppier sentences. I know I'm probably confusing you by telling you to write long sentences last time and short ones this time. Let me clear things up.

Long Sentences should be used for descriptions, like setting the scene or explaining what a character looks like. The first sentence in the above highlighted quote serves as a description, so it can be as long and complex as you'd like. Your next paragraph, where you actually describe the world, offers some instances of this, but you do throw in some shorter sentences that don't fit. It's a description, so think of it like a camera slowly panning over a new setting to establish the scene. (The super long sentence you wrote when describing the bunny-eared creature is a superb example.)

Short Sentences are for intense scenes, when you really want to grab your reader's attention and immerse them in the plot. They create tension, suspense, urgency, and all that jazz. You'll want to use something like "My jaw dropped" instead of "My eyes widened and my mouth opened." Think of intense scenes in movies, where cuts from view to view are very short and choppy, with only fleeting details.

(I'm sure you already understood most of that, but for both of our sakes it's good to pinpoint specifically when to which sentence length.)

After reading this chapter - all three parts, I mean - I think it's time I get into some more things besides little technical errors. Questions, plot, and characters, oh my! Remember that everything I'm saying is based upon what I know from just one chapter. If I get my facts completely wrong, don't take it too seriously. :p

Merah, your MC, fits the "hero" role excellently. From what I've seen, she's curious, asks a lot of questions, has a unique trait (that her light is red - that's unique, right?), doesn't seem to have a mother (cliche #1 xD), and depends on her mentors to understand the other fantasy world she comes into contact to. I absolutely love the whole light idea, having your own little guardian angel light to give you guidance and friendship. Now, this whole chapter took place inside of Mirah's house, and whenever she interacted with her light/Imran's light, it was in one of their bedrooms. Does that mean that their lights don't go with them everywhere? It seems like their father, even, isn't aware of them. Are they kind of a secret, and spend all their time hidden from others? If so, that means that Merah and Imran aren't your common folk, or else there wouldn't be any reason to hide their lights away. (That last sentence sounds metaphorical... "hiding their lights" o.o)

I'm curious - why didn't you decide to capitalize words like "aseas," "axors, "areym," and even "light?" Aren't they all proper nouns?

I really like how you described Silver's illusion that she shared with Merah. The lack of a sun, with light supplied instead by the glowing creatures themselves, and the description of the bunny-eared creature was all so sweet and innocent! :3 Just like Merah, I understand why the aseas need to be protected. That's how you show, not tell/info-dump! :D

Lovely chapter. I'd be happy to read and review further ones! Keep up the great writing, Light! ~




Lightsong says...


Thanks for the review! :D Does that mean I can tag you for further chapters, then? :3



Wolfi says...


Of course! :3



Lightsong says...


You haven't read it from the beginning, though. xD



Wolfi says...


Pshhhh xD I'll read it all eventually ~



Lightsong says...


Haha, okay. xD I hope you wouldn't be confused later on. :3

Anyway, to answer your question: I didn't capitalize the terms 'aseal', 'axors', and 'areym' because they aren't proper nouns--they are the name for the species there, just like human is a species here and we don't capitalize it. :)



Wolfi says...


Oh, alright. I kind of viewed them as a nation of creatures, in which case you would capitalize (like the French or the Native American), but I see what you mean.




Stupid risks make life worth living.
— Homer Simpson