z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Bad Lights, Good Lights [Chapter 7.2]

by Lightsong


I straightened my back and nodded my comprehension. “So you’re telling me I need to focus more on my mental strength rather than physical one?”

Floating fixed in front of me, Scarlet nodded. “Abilities depending on your mental strength are tricky. Well, they aren’t harder to master than the ones depending on your physical strength, but it’s difficult to use them when you’re multitasking because your thoughts would go to the things you’re doing rather than to focus on the ability you’re using.

“Because your ability is to control things, you are more of medium- to long-ranged fighter. Battles that involve close quarter combat or CQC are disadvantages to you since objects you need usually are a distance away from you. You better use your punches and kicks at that time. However, when a fight occurs that allows you to attack from a distance, that’s when you’re at your best.”

I gave some thoughts to his explanation. “That means it’s a good thing Damon is paired up with me. He changes his body parts’ properties to those of the objects he touches, which means he needs to use his fists and legs to fight. That’s short-ranged fighter, right?” Seeing him nodded, I continued. “He can protect me in case an enemy gets too near to us, and I can protect him if others attack from far away.”

“That’s true,” he said. “That being said, if you master advanced telekinesis, you can remove the distance hindrance and attack an enemy in CQC just fine. You just need to prepare yourself with some weapon objects and control them faster than usual.”

While he was explaining, I couldn’t help but to notice the change of his tone. His witty edge was replaced with a monotonous seriousness, and he didn’t float a bit here and there like he used to be when talking. I wondered what was it like being a warrior. I wondered if he had some kind of important position - a general, maybe? It dawned on me he had witnessed my life routine, and I didn’t even catch a glimpse of his.

“... assist you like regular ones when you have advanced telekinesis,” he said, concluding his explanation. He paused for a few seconds. “Are you listening to me, Merah? This is important.”

I stopped wondering about his life and blinked my eyes. “Sorry, I got distracted a bit,” I said. Straightening my elbow on my lap and resting my chin on my palm, my mouth twitched into a smile. “Are you used to explaining things like this?”

“What?” Seeing my eyebrows raised, he continued. “No, I’m not used being like this. My other siblings - other Scarlets - knew about our ability since we were created from the previous Scarlet’s remnants. This knowing was like breathing to you. It was natural.” He floated back to the bed’s head. “I’m used to, however, explaining war strategies with other warriors.”

“What position do you get?”

“General.” There was the familiar hint of smugness in his voice. “As Scarlets, we observe the surrounding to search things to control. Because of our tendency to do that, we can figure out the advantages and disadvantages of fighting at a location. This is crucial to our army, so the royals elect some of us as generals. We passed down our analysis and knowledge to others.”

Now that Scarlet was comfortable talking about his life as a general, I decided to pester him with more questions. “General is a position exclusive to Scarlets, then?”

He hummed in disagreement emphasis. “No, no. Generally, Scarlets are potential generals, but not all generals are Scarlets. Silver is a general - that was why I argued about taking her out from the war of our world. She’s among our best generals. Some of the royals also become generals - Sunglow’s older siblings from another shade of colour, Goldenrod, is the army’s head general.”

“That’s the way it works, huh?” I took a moment to absorb this new information. “If there’s a war in your world right now, why did you come here? You’re a general, and therefore is imperative to ensure your army’s victory. Isn’t it a huge disadvantage to have you here rather than there?”

He shrugged. “The royals and generals had talked about this for quite a while. They had theorized the bad lights - in our language we called them axors, by the way - were planning something that would multiply their strength to end the lasting war against us, aseal. The plan axors had would finalize their victory when currently, we are even.

My eyes widened. “So this fight against ax-axors isn’t just for humans, but also for aseal?” I thought the lights were being our saviors by helping us to beat the axors, but I realized they were also trying to avoid the axors from winning in their place.

He hummed flatly, agreeing with me. “Now you can see the axors's severity. They are aseal tainted by our traditional enemies, called areym for “shadows”. I don’t know how that could happen, but when a seal becomes a xors, it’s not just its light that changed - its thinking, its beliefs, and everything that has shaped its identity changes too. It becomes more like a reym, and end up allying with them.”

I frowned. The language confused me a bit. Xors is singular while axors is plural. The same went to seal and reym, I guessed. Something he said earlier tugged my mind, and I held up my hand, prompting him to wait. “You said you were even with axors, right? But they allied with areym, which means...”

“Aseal were winning the war,” he said, completing my sentence. “Areym have no match against us - they lack in power versatility and general strength. We’ve been literally ridding their darkness from parts of our worlds until our goal is achieved, which is to make our entire world bright with lights.”

I understood what he said, but I needed to confirm about something. “You - the aseal - think it’s important to rid the world from darkness, then? That fighting against areym is a must?”

“Of course. Areym are evil, Merah. They don’t mind shrouding the world in darkness. For hundreds of years, they’ve been stopping us from brightening the world. It is our duty to keep the world as best as it could be - enveloping it in darkness would mean chaos to other creatures living there.”

I nodded absently. I could comprehend how they thought areym are evil. But their goal... sounded off. Something tugged my conscience when I knew what they were planning for their world. The xors are evil and we should fight them - that much I agreed since they were behind the girl’s death and Sarah’s near-death state, and would be the cause of humanity’s demise. The areym, however... I had doubts about them.


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Sun May 01, 2016 10:05 pm
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Carlito wrote a review...



Hello again! :D

Okay this is where someone more versed in fantasy is going to be able to help you more than I can because I hardly read fantasy. I thought this was a pretty interesting way to get a lot of world information explained and I think it was explained pretty well (I guess we'll see when I read it through again and give you more specific thoughts). I'm not sure how else you fantasy people do that :P But things about world details and the intricacies of the world are not my forte because I don't do that in contemporary fiction. So if there are any problems or holes there, I'm probably not going to be the one to catch that, just as a disclaimer.

Battles that involve close quarter combat or CQC are disadvantages to you

What is CQC?

I gave some thoughts to his explanation.

"I gave some thought"

“That means it’s a good thing Damon is paired up with me.

Yeah because they're going to fall in love! (And Imran and Sarah too!)
^my prediction...... :P

While he was explaining, I couldn’t help but to notice the change of his tone. His witty edge was replaced with a monotonous seriousness, and he didn’t float a bit here and there like he used to be when talking. I wondered what was it like being a warrior. I wondered if he had some kind of important position - a general, maybe? It dawned on me he had witnessed my life routine, and I didn’t even catch a glimpse of his.

I appreciated that she mentioned how he voice changed and how he sounds. I liked this whole internal monologue really and how it gently transitioned into something she's going to ask about soon.
One thing I think you could add to all of this dialogue is action within the dialogue. I'm thinking of facial expressions, eyebrows, hand gestures, posture, etc. Are they really just standing there (or in Scarlet's case floating there) talking? That's kind of boring. Little bits of action and reactions can help break up the dialogue and make it now sound like two heads talking.

“Sorry, I got distracted a bit,” I said. Straightening my elbow on my lap and resting my chin on my palm, my mouth twitched into a smile.

Like this! :D More of this please.

Isn’t it a huge disadvantage to have you here rather than there?”

Excellent question. The dialogue itself is really good in this section and feels natural. It's productive dialogue, as in the plot is advancing because of the dialogue and we're also learning more things about the world and the characters.

They had theorized the bad lights - in our language we called them axors, by the way - were planning something that would multiply their strength to end the lasting war against us, aseal. The plan axors had would finalize their victory when currently, we are even.

This is where you start to lose me. These names are so similar I get them mixed up and all of the theory stuff is boring to me. Now all of this could easily be because I'm not a fantasy person and all of this could be really interesting to someone else, but this is where I start to lose interest.

I frowned. The language confused me a bit. Xors is singular while axors is plural. The same went to seal and reym, I guessed.

I'm glad she was confused and was able to clarify but aaaaah the names are so similar!!x_x

The areym, however... I had doubts about them.

I'm not sure I understand her doubts. Is she going to explain her doubt in the next segment? But then again, I'm not quite sure I understand the conflict between the three different a-words completely either which is probably part of my problem :p
I'm also still not entirely sure if Scarlet answered the question of why the lights are fighting this battle here rather than where they're originally from.


Overall, I thought this was a pretty strong chapter even though it's mostly an info-dump. This is a necessary info-dump and it's interesting so you're fine :) Looking forward to reading on to see how this will progress! The plot is getting really interesting!
And as always let me know if you have any questions/if anything I said was confusing! :D




Lightsong says...


Thanks for the review!

CQC is explained, but poorly, I think. It's acronym for Close Quarter Combat. :p

Ah, the terms are originally to be smartly produced, as in one would confuse 'a xors' with 'axors', because the first one is singular and the second one plural, although both of them have the same letters. :p

Anyway, a guide:

1) Aseal - Plural form for good lights
2) Areym - Plural form for shadows
3) Axors - Plural form for bad lights

Maybe you'd get used to it, but I'll consider a change of terms. :)

The doubt is not going to be explained. Not anytime soon, anyway. Merah herself can't get her hand on what doubt she's having, she just feels something is wrong, and I can't explain it right now because, you know, plot twist. :p



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Wed Jan 20, 2016 1:20 am
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Wolfi wrote a review...



Hello again! :)

When you're facing the wrath of info-dumping and describing the way your fantasy world works, it can get a little on the tedious side. It's always so hard to find a way to describe things without drawling on and boring the reader, especially when it's a mentor talking to MC. It becomes too much like a teacher-student arrangement, which is never that exciting.

This chapter didn't become too boring, but I think it could still use some work. Let's look at the definition of an info-dump: a very large amount of information supplied all at once, especially as background information in a narrative. Usually, info-dumps describe things that aren't actually happening right there and then in the scene, so what Scarlet is talking about: using Merah's powers in the future and the military rankings of lights. Info-dumps are generally considered bad things, right? Readers would much rather be immersed in the action of the story. So let's try to find ways to avoid supplying all this information at once.

First of all, is everything Scarlet talking about absolutely-positively necessary? I'm thinking not. His ramblings and Merah's questions about rankings serve one good purpose, from what I can see, and that's characterization. Scarlet's very proud of his general rank and Merah's eager to learn. You'll have to decide whether all this information is really serving its important purpose. Remember, it's very important to hold onto your reader's attention.

Here's another good point, from this article, that's especially true for fantasy writers like yourself.

If you need to convey how a magical ability works, perhaps you could show it in an existing scene where the character needs to solve a conflict. Using the magic in the conflict is a quick and easy way to show how it works.
So, when you come back to work on a second draft, you could play with the plot to incorporate all this information into an actual scene.

Overall, though, the info-dumping you did here wasn't too bad. You just may find that, because this chapter part really is only a slathering of information and not much else, all your reviewers will comment on it. No one's going to fall asleep reading this; they'd just appreciate reading a more in-the-moment scene.

Hopefully I was helpful! :) If you have any questions, just ask.




Lightsong says...


Thanks! The link isn't there. ;-;



Wolfi says...


Oh! Pshh that's embarrassing. I meant to go back and put it in but I forgot. It's there now. :p



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Tue Jan 19, 2016 11:12 am
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Mea wrote a review...



I'm baaaack! *Jumps in with a big splash*

Okay, so I like this chapter. I think you do info-dump a bit, but I'm not sure it could be avoided and it works well enough anyway. I especially like how you interweave hints about Scarlet's past from the way he was giving the info-dump - very smart.

I also think it's super cool how you do the plurals by adding an "a" in the front. Was that inspired by a particular language or anything?

Overall, I understood everything that he was saying, so that's good. I do have one question - the dark lights are still, well, lights. So how are they spreading darkness? Or is it just the areym that do that? Also, is Scarlet speaking literally or figuratively here? Or is that something we just have to find out?

Also, I appreciate that Merah isn't just taking Scarlet's words for granted, but I feel like she's a bit too quick to distrust the aseal. I feel like she should at least ask for clarification on what he means by "darkness," and then if he doesn't give a satisfactory answer it'd make sense for her to distrust him a bit.

Also, your language improves with each chapter. Really, your only problems now are using words that don't quite fit in the context. I'll point a few of those out for you.

“So you’re telling me I need to focus more on my mental strength rather than physical one?”

You wouldn't say "physical one" here. Even though it sounds repetitive, just saying "rather than my physical strength" flows better.

Well, they aren’t harder to master than the ones depending on your physical strength

In this case, you would say "that depend on your physical strength" rather than "depending." Depending implies something different.

He hummed in disagreement emphasis.

I'm not sure what's going on here, but "emphasis" just doesn't fit. I think I know what you're trying to say with that word, but unfortunately I can't think of the correct word either at the moment. However, just "he hummed in disagreement" would work.

You’re a general, and therefore is imperative to ensure

Okay, this one is less nit-picky. (Though you do need an "it" after "is".) This language (words like "therefore" and "imperative") makes her sound like a professor, or like she's writing an essay for school. Nobody talks like that. With Scarlet, it works because he's older and "alien", but it doesn't fit a teenage girl. So watch out for that sort of thing.

Random side note - have you read Brandon Mull's (not Sanderson xD) Beyonder's series? Because there's this magical creature that does something similar to what I think you're saying Damon can do - turn part of his body into any substance. Either way, I think it's a pretty cool power. (And if you haven't read it, I highly recommend the series. It's really good.)

Anyway, that's about all I've got for you this time. On to the next part!




Lightsong says...


*receives big splash* Thanks for the review! :D

Now that you've said about it, it is a bit info dump-y. I'm not sure how to avoid it too, but I guess I'll give some thought about it in further drafts.

Well, the name was shortly thought out. I wanted to give a rough pronunciation for the enemies, which were why areym and axors shared an 'r'. Axors came to mind first though, and the thought to make it plural using the 'a' was obviously a play of English language. ;) Plus, xors ended with an 's', so reading 'xors has' instead of 'xors have' would confuse those who stick to the English grammar for this foreign language. It was for fun, basically. :D

Merah didn't really distrust aseal, it was just that she wasn't agreeing/was feeling something of with their mission. The reason why would be revealed later.

Everything you pointed out I agree.

Haven't, but I did watch Ben10 lol and Ben's friend, Kevin, had an ability similar to Damon. I'll check it out later. :)

Thanks again!




Don't gobblefunk around with words.
— Roald Dahl