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Young Writers Society


16+

Bad Lights, Good Lights [Chapter 4.1]

by Lightsong


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

In those mere seconds, it dawned on me how I worried so much about these lights - Scarlet, Sunglow, and Silver. I had just met Scarlet for more or less a couple of days and here I was, worried he would be gone. I looked at him, stuck on the surface of the deep purple light, his own red light waning. What had he done to me to make me felt like this?

Realization hit me - he had done nothing. He only offered to help me and I, without knowing, confided myself on him. It was obvious when I asked him to kill my father - a silly favour, now that I thought about it, but at that time I was crying because of my father. He didn’t try to force me to accept his ideas. He argued with me and teased me but in the brief moment we had together, he treated me like a friend.

He meant something, then. Something courageous, something strong. I knew we could do much and much more together, and I couldn’t lose him like this. Not when our mission wasn’t over - wasn’t even started. I needed to save him to learn more from, and about, him. This was a one-time experience in life and I was not going to waste it like this.

Again, I tried to remember everything about the lights. I grabbed Sarah’s hand tightly, holding to her unwavering pose. We looked at each other, and knew, just knew, that we would do anything to save the lights - our friends. We spent time too little with them but we had known so much. We wanted more - we were hungry learners.

Everything Sarah told me about her light, Sunglow, played in my mind like an old movie. How the male cashier attacked her in the toilet, how she was badly hurt, and how Sunglow saved her after absorbing the bad light’s energy. I still hadn’t figure out how his father could miss something was wrong - I meant, it must be quite a while, must not it, for that to happen?

“I will buy you some time,” Sunglow said. Then, the waves of brightening and dimming of the deep purple light stopped. Scarlet and Silver who were moaning went quiet - they didn’t struggle. “In my weakening state, I could only freeze the time for a few minutes. Think fast.”Her voice was a bit odd to me - it was like a teaching asking her students something she already knew the answer for.

Freezing time! That was why Sarah’s father didn’t realize she was in the toilet a bit too long. I shook my head. Now wasn’t the time to figure unnecessary things out. I tried to think how everything had happened in Sarah’s story. My eyes widened, remembering I forgot, or overlooked, some of the important details in it.

Sunglow appeared from Sarah’s body. The black light did the same thing with the cashier. Again, I exchanged looks with Sarah. Her eyes were widened - I was sure she was thinking the same thing. I looked at Imran, and his eyes were still unsettled looking at his light, Silver. Well, that was understandable. He had known his light longer than we had.

“Sunglow,” Sarah said after receiving my nods, “you came out from my body. Can’t you go into my body without moving yourself? It’s like absorption, isn’t it?”

Sunglow hummed a firmer hum than Scarlet. “Yes, it is similar to that. Taking shelter in your body is more to making our energy similar with yours. We manipulate our light energy, so that it can blend with your life force. If you touch me, I might be able to enter your body through your hand. The process is not exactly literal moving, so it might work.”

“Do it,” Imran said, his voice a whisper. “It’s better than nothing.”

“Okay,” Sunglow said. “Put your hands on us.”

We abided her instruction and quickly put our hands on them. I could feel the warmth of their lights, hotter than usual. Were they evaporating? Was that what the purple light was doing to them?

The purple light’s ever changing brightness continued. Scarlet and Silver resumed their moaning, and were surprised when they found out our hands were on them - mine on Scarlet, Imran’s on Silver, and Sarah’s on Sunglow.

“Scarlet, Silver. Manipulate your energy to be similar with their life forces. It is the only way we can escape this trap,” Sunglow said, the royal flair of her voice soaring through.

Scarlet and Silver didn’t reply, but we could see their lights brightening and brightening, more than I had ever seen. They were getting smaller, but I saw my hand glowering. I looked at Imran’s and Sarah’s - they were in the same state. I felt Scarlet’s warmth coursing through my veins and blood, somehow calming me down, making me comfortable.

After a few seconds, they were gone. The purple light let out a a flash of whiteness for a second before disappearing. I fell back, exhausted with everything that had happened. Sarah followed suit while Imran leaned on the wall.

“Is it working?” he said, asking both of us. His breath was ragged - I sensed he was tired too.

I shook my head. “I don’t know,” I said. “Scarlet? Are you in there, in me?” It sounded wrong in so many levels but I didn’t know how to say it in other ways.

Silence. Nothing. I started to worry. “Scarlet? Scarlet?”

Imran and Sarah called their lights, and were happy when their lights replied back. They looked at me, watching me as I relentlessly called Scarlet, hoping he would reply to me. There was no answer. Sunglow expressed her confusion - she assumed Scarlet would be the one with the highest chance of succeeding and not this. Silver echoed her thought, and said she had known him to be one of the strongest light.

But he didn’t reply. “Scarlet!” I said, screaming. Tears started to form at the brink of my eyes. “Don’t you dare leave me!”

But there was no reply. Nothing at all. I didn’t know what had happened. Scarlet seemed to act like he was strong, and Sunglow had called hims Warrior. He couldn’t possibly fail like this. What had gone wrong? Did I not hold on to him firm enough? Was I... was I the one who caused this failure? My body started to tremble, and the silence that had reigned was too scary.

“Surprise!” A masculine voice said loudly from my body, feeling me with some sort of faint warmth. He chuckled. “I won’t dare to leave yo, Merah.”

I realized he was in there after all, and was keeping his quiet to worry me unnecessarily. Furiousness built in me, and I punched my chest a few times. “What the hell did you do just now? You freaked the crap out of me!”

He yawned. “I’m not feeling anything from that,” he said, playfulness in his voice. “I didn’t do anything, nothing at all.”

I smiled faintly. “Don’t do that again,” I said.

“Will do,” Scarlet said back.

I accepted Imran’s hand to stand up. Sarah followed the same. We cleared the dusts on our butts and went into the car with the mix of red, gold and silver lights coming with us, smiles plastering on our faces as we accomplished something, something, tonight. It might not seemed big in the plan, but we did find a way to save the lights, our friends. We had passed the first challenge in our mission, and we did it gloriously. I intended for this glory to continue.


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Tue Feb 16, 2016 2:15 pm
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Noelle wrote a review...



Hi there!

I absolutely love the first three paragraphs of this chapter. Writing in first person is always a tough balance between narration and stream of consciousness from the main character. There are going to be places where the story triggers a certain feeling or thought from the main character. You worked it in very nicely here. Of course Merah would revisit her feelings about these lights when she's close to losing them. That saying "you never know what you have until it's gone" is so true it's scary. The same thing can be put into place in writing. I hope to see more of these thoughts/feelings Merah has in future chapters. How it's worked out here it doesn't even take away from the plot and pace of the story. Sometimes it's good to force it into the narrative, then go back and edit out what isn't needed. That way you know it can be there, but maybe it's not absolutely needed at this point of the story.

We looked at each other, and knew, just knew, that we would do anything to save the lights - our friends. We spent time too little with them but we had known so much. We wanted more - we were hungry learners.

I can't remember if I've made this nitpick in a previous review so I'm going to point this out just in case. You're writing in first person POV which means we should only know things Merah knows. In these few sentences there's a splash of third person POV. As it's written now it's like Merah is telling us what's going on in Sarah's mind. But she can't really know that can she? An easy way to fix that is to say something like, "When Sarah's eyes met mine I saw the same desperation I felt." Here Merah is making an assumption. She doesn't know for a fact that Sarah is feeling the same way she is, but she sees it so she runs with it. This keeps the narrative strictly first person without wavering.

Merah is telling us all about how she cares so much for these lights. From what we've seen in this novel so far, it's not as strong as it could be. I know I've mentioned before how Merah has only known Scarlet for a short time and I'm going to revisit that. It's believable that she feels so attached to these lights. That's not an issue. I feel like the fear of loss she has here could be a bit stronger. As the reader I'm not feeling the same desperation she is. I feel like that's because this is only the fourth chapter. Maybe I'm just so used to reading longer novels, I don't know. If there was just a bit more exposition in the beginning, time for Merah and Scarlet to really get to know each other, this scene would be much more effective. Like I said, it's good as it is. It just could be better.

“Sunglow,” Sarah said after receiving my nods, “you came out from my body. Can’t you go into my body without moving yourself? It’s like absorption, isn’t it?”

This silent communication is a bit hard for me to believe. I mean, Merah and Sarah thinking the same exact tiny detail at the same exact time? What are the chances? In this situation I feel that verbal communication is needed. Merah just now remembered that the light even came from Sarah so I'm sure that wasn't the first thing that popped into Sarah's mind either.

I like the suspense of Scarlet not answering Merah. When you read enough novels you realize that there are very very very few times when everything goes perfectly as planned. At that moment in this chapter I was sure that Scarlet was injured or something. I knew things couldn't go perfectly well. But then he responded and everything was fine. The build up and the reveal really flows.

One thing about that part though is that I didn't quite feel enough emotion. I know I've mentioned emotion a lot in reviews so I'm going to go into a bit more detail about it here.
But there was no reply. Nothing at all. I didn’t know what had happened. Scarlet seemed to act like he was strong, and Sunglow had called hims Warrior. He couldn’t possibly fail like this. What had gone wrong? Did I not hold on to him firm enough? Was I... was I the one who caused this failure? My body started to tremble, and the silence that had reigned was too scary.

The part I underlined brings forth much more emotion than the rest. This is what you're aiming for. Questions and second guessing is wonderful to show the confusion in the character's mind, but there also has to be the physical aspects as well. For example, when you're sad you cry. When you're mad your face turns red and you might shake. There's always a physical aspect of an emotion. That's where the image of the emotion comes about. Work on expanding those feelings. Merah's body was trembling. Great! How else was this affecting her? Were there tears in her eyes? An empty feeling inside her? Oooooh, that would be interesting to describe what she felt inside seeing as that's where Scarlet should be. (That thought just popped into my mind feel free to ignore it :3) Really focus on how Merah's emotions are making her react. That's what brings the feelings to life.

This story is really moving quite fast. Normally that's something I would comment on, but it's working out for you. Besides a bit less character development than I'm used to seeing there isn't anything to fix pace wise. And that's just a personal preference so it's not a big deal. Your writing has also gotten so much better. Grammar wise at least. The storytelling has been at a consistently high level. This novel keeps getting better and better.

As always, can't wait to read more! I'm determined to start keeping up with reviews so hopefully I'll be back soon. Although you never know with me xD

Keep writing!
**Noelle**




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Sun Oct 25, 2015 8:02 pm
backroadstraveler wrote a review...



It's me again! The beginning part when Merah was scared for Scarlet and the lights was incredibly sweet and moving! I really liked that part, though I would comment on Merah's initial inability to act. Still, great part, I almost hated Scarlet for his little prank right after that tension!

Only a few things I noticed-

Scarlet and Silver didn’t reply, but we could see their lights brightening and brightening, more than I had ever seen. They were getting smaller, but I saw my hand glowering.
They are a light, so I would simply state that 'but suddenly the two grew much brighter- more brilliant that I had ever seen before.' And then I would make it a transition, 'then Scarlet began to shrink, and as he grew smaller my hand started glowing.

I realized he was in there after all, and was keeping his quiet to worry me unnecessarily. Furiousness built in me, and I punched my chest a few times.

I agree with Carlito on this one- show don't tell. Describe Merah's fury- show us how mad she is, or comment on how her own anger is overriding Scarlet's calming presence. Give the reader a little more description.

I smiled faintly. “Don’t do that again,” I said
It's good to know she's smiling, but I would also comment on her internal state, considering Scarlet is within her. Maybe something on how her anger melted away- idk...

Also, I would elaborate a little more on the end. Merah talks of a big plan, but as of now, they no longer even have one. Give the reader a few more details on why Merah is so proud, and have some sort of mention about what they are going to do next.

That's all I have on this segment! I really enjoyed seeing your characters draw closer to each other.




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Mon Oct 19, 2015 8:03 pm
Carlito wrote a review...



Hello! Here as requested :)

In those mere seconds, it dawned on me how I worried so much about these lights - Scarlet, Sunglow, and Silver. I had just met Scarlet for more or less a couple of days and here I was, worried he would be gone. I looked at him, stuck on the surface of the deep purple light, his own red light waning. What had he done to me to make me felt like this?

I like that you're spending some time talking about how this MC feels about the current situation with the lights. The only thing I'm wondering is what are the characters actually doing right now? Where things left off in the last segment, it was pretty tense. Are they just standing there watching this bad thing happen to their lights, thinking about their feelings? I looove learning about thoughts and feelings, but in this situation, I'd also like some more action.
I slashed that last line because it felt weird to me. It just seems like an awkward thing to think. As a reader, I understand why this MC cares about these lights. He (? I can't remember if the MC is a boy or a girl...) doesn't need to spell that out for me.

Realization hit me - he had done nothing.

Everything from here to (wait for it... :p) can be cut. It goes back to the point I just made about how I know why this MC cares about these lights (and if I had read the previous chapters I'm sure I would have a really good understanding. All of this feels like you're telling us things we already know. At a moment like this, when something so tense is happening, I would skip right to what these characters are actually going to do about this situation.

I grabbed Sarah’s hand tightly, holding to her unwavering pose.

I would cut until this sentence. So after the thoughts in the first paragraph, I think you can cut everything until this point. Now we're getting into what the characters are going to do.

We looked at each other, and knew, just knew, that we would do anything to save the lights - our friends. We spent time too little with them but we had known so much. We wanted more - we were hungry learners.

I feel like we're wasting a lot of time talking about what they're going to do and that they care about these lights and they want to do something and they have to do something, but not them actually doing anything. Meanwhile, the life-force (or whatever it's called in this world) is being sucked out of the lights! Stop thinking and save them! :)

Everything Sarah told me about her light, Sunglow, played in my mind like an old movie. How the male cashier attacked her in the toilet, how she was badly hurt, and how Sunglow saved her after absorbing the bad light’s energy. I still hadn’t figure out how his father could miss something was wrong - I meant, it must be quite a while, must not it, for that to happen?

Not sure if you need this either. This is like the big section I said you can probably cut. I'm not sure because I came in late, but this feels like information the reader already knows or we learned about somewhere else. Is this really the time to rehash it? How are we going to save these lights?

“I will buy you some time,” Sunglow said.

I'd appreciate some cues about who Sunglow is talking to here and what the tone is. She's being overtaken by the purple light, too, right? So what does she sound like - is she struggling? Is she tired? How is she able to do this if the other two lights can't?

Freezing time! That was why Sarah’s father didn’t realize she was in the toilet a bit too long. I shook my head. Now wasn’t the time to figure unnecessary things out. I tried to think how everything had happened in Sarah’s story. My eyes widened, remembering I forgot, or overlooked, some of the important details in it.

Okay, now I see why that part I said to cut regarding Sarah's story might be important after all. So keep that, but try to keep it as brief as possible. And maybe cue us in up there in some way about why this story is important. Why is this going to help them save the lights.
Slashed part of this paragraph because you don't need to mention extraneous details if even the MC thinks it's an extraneous detail. A little bit of mystery is okay (as long as we understand how everything fits together in the end) and keep to the point so the scene keeps moving forward.

Again, I exchanged looks with Sarah. Her eyes were widened - I was sure she was thinking the same thing.

I cut the "again" because I can't remember when else this MC exchanged looks with Sarah. And even if he's done that, it's still not really needed because it hasn't happened in the last couple of paragraphs.
I cut the "were" because it's not necessary for the tense you're using.

We abided her instruction and quickly put our hands on them. I could feel the warmth of their lights, hotter than usual. Were they evaporating? Was that what the purple light was doing to them?

I liked this action + thought. Nice and simple, but it paints a nice picture.

They were getting smaller, but I saw my hand glowering.

I think you meant "glowing" :)

Sunglow expressed her confusion - she assumed Scarlet would be the one with the highest chance of succeeding and not this. Silver echoed her thought, and said she had known him to be one of the strongest light.

Show us this instead of telling us. Otherwise I'm left wondering how the MC knows this.

and Sunglow had called hims Warrior.

Did you mean "him his"?

feeling me with some sort of faint warmth.

Did you mean "filling"?

I realized he was in there after all, and was keeping his quiet to worry me unnecessarily. Furiousness built in me, and I punched my chest a few times.

I slashed the first sentence because it's redundant. We know that the light is in there and the light was trying to freak him out. You don't have to tell us that.
Also, show me what this "furiousness" feels like. Where does he feel it? What does it feel like? Don't tell me he's furious. Show me.

I enjoyed the suspense of oh crap did one of the lights not make it and then the surprise that he did. And I liked the interplay between the MC and his light because it gave some nice insight into both of their personalities. (Do lights have personalities? :p)

Overall, I didn't enjoy this section as much as the last because it didn't have the same level of intensity. This scene could be full of suspense and emotion because it's a tense situation, and that was lacking for me. I want you to amp up the intensity. Part of how you can do that is through what I've already talked about - cutting some of the slower parts and sticking with the action and the emotion. Shorter sentences and shorter paragraphs can also help because it makes the reader read faster (adding to the sensation of the plot driving faster). But still, interesting concept and idea!

I'll leave things there for now, but let me know if you have any questions or if anything I said was confusing! :)





All hail the mighty Glow Cloud.
— Welcome to Night Vale