Hi there!
I absolutely love the first three paragraphs of this chapter. Writing in first person is always a tough balance between narration and stream of consciousness from the main character. There are going to be places where the story triggers a certain feeling or thought from the main character. You worked it in very nicely here. Of course Merah would revisit her feelings about these lights when she's close to losing them. That saying "you never know what you have until it's gone" is so true it's scary. The same thing can be put into place in writing. I hope to see more of these thoughts/feelings Merah has in future chapters. How it's worked out here it doesn't even take away from the plot and pace of the story. Sometimes it's good to force it into the narrative, then go back and edit out what isn't needed. That way you know it can be there, but maybe it's not absolutely needed at this point of the story.
We looked at each other, and knew, just knew, that we would do anything to save the lights - our friends. We spent time too little with them but we had known so much. We wanted more - we were hungry learners.
I can't remember if I've made this nitpick in a previous review so I'm going to point this out just in case. You're writing in first person POV which means we should only know things Merah knows. In these few sentences there's a splash of third person POV. As it's written now it's like Merah is telling us what's going on in Sarah's mind. But she can't really know that can she? An easy way to fix that is to say something like, "When Sarah's eyes met mine I saw the same desperation I felt." Here Merah is making an assumption. She doesn't know for a fact that Sarah is feeling the same way she is, but she sees it so she runs with it. This keeps the narrative strictly first person without wavering.
Merah is telling us all about how she cares so much for these lights. From what we've seen in this novel so far, it's not as strong as it could be. I know I've mentioned before how Merah has only known Scarlet for a short time and I'm going to revisit that. It's believable that she feels so attached to these lights. That's not an issue. I feel like the fear of loss she has here could be a bit stronger. As the reader I'm not feeling the same desperation she is. I feel like that's because this is only the fourth chapter. Maybe I'm just so used to reading longer novels, I don't know. If there was just a bit more exposition in the beginning, time for Merah and Scarlet to really get to know each other, this scene would be much more effective. Like I said, it's good as it is. It just could be better.
“Sunglow,” Sarah said after receiving my nods, “you came out from my body. Can’t you go into my body without moving yourself? It’s like absorption, isn’t it?”
This silent communication is a bit hard for me to believe. I mean, Merah and Sarah thinking the same exact tiny detail at the same exact time? What are the chances? In this situation I feel that verbal communication is needed. Merah just now remembered that the light even came from Sarah so I'm sure that wasn't the first thing that popped into Sarah's mind either.
I like the suspense of Scarlet not answering Merah. When you read enough novels you realize that there are very very very few times when everything goes perfectly as planned. At that moment in this chapter I was sure that Scarlet was injured or something. I knew things couldn't go perfectly well. But then he responded and everything was fine. The build up and the reveal really flows.
One thing about that part though is that I didn't quite feel enough emotion. I know I've mentioned emotion a lot in reviews so I'm going to go into a bit more detail about it here.
But there was no reply. Nothing at all. I didn’t know what had happened. Scarlet seemed to act like he was strong, and Sunglow had called hims Warrior. He couldn’t possibly fail like this. What had gone wrong? Did I not hold on to him firm enough? Was I... was I the one who caused this failure? My body started to tremble, and the silence that had reigned was too scary.
The part I underlined brings forth much more emotion than the rest. This is what you're aiming for. Questions and second guessing is wonderful to show the confusion in the character's mind, but there also has to be the physical aspects as well. For example, when you're sad you cry. When you're mad your face turns red and you might shake. There's always a physical aspect of an emotion. That's where the image of the emotion comes about. Work on expanding those feelings. Merah's body was trembling. Great! How else was this affecting her? Were there tears in her eyes? An empty feeling inside her? Oooooh, that would be interesting to describe what she felt inside seeing as that's where Scarlet should be. (That thought just popped into my mind feel free to ignore it :3) Really focus on how Merah's emotions are making her react. That's what brings the feelings to life.
This story is really moving quite fast. Normally that's something I would comment on, but it's working out for you. Besides a bit less character development than I'm used to seeing there isn't anything to fix pace wise. And that's just a personal preference so it's not a big deal. Your writing has also gotten so much better. Grammar wise at least. The storytelling has been at a consistently high level. This novel keeps getting better and better.
As always, can't wait to read more! I'm determined to start keeping up with reviews so hopefully I'll be back soon. Although you never know with me xD
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Points: 3733
Reviews: 1417
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