“I woke up at six as usual and got a bath and changed clothes,” Sarah said, using hand gestures to demonstrate generally what she had done. “I went to the dining room and ate breakfast with dad and my twin siblings. After that, my father drove me to school.” She paused, waiting for us to absorb the information.
“Nothing unusual happened then,” I said, breaking the brief silence. I laid on the bed, feeling its surface. Oh well. It’s still not as fluffy as Imran’s. I looked at Sunglow, noticing that unlike Scarlet, she was still on the air. Perhaps this was how the light royalties acted regal? Hmm...
“Well, nothing at first,” she said, pushing her open hands forward slowly as if she was slowing things down. “But there were some weirdnesses happened.”
Imran hummed. “Like?”
“Before we started going - before I hopped into the car - I saw this odd old lady staring at me. She was walking her dog, but the stare was just emotionless. She even stopped moving and was just there like a scary statue.” She shivered.
“And yet nothing really happened.”
“Mer, don’t ruin the mood, oh my god. When we were on the way to school, my father stopped at the gas station - apparently the car’s petrol was low. I couldn’t stand it any longer, so I went to the toilet. Should’ve did it at home. Anyway, I could see a glimpse of the young female cashier looking at me through the transparent glass wall and it was freaky. I mean, the look was the same one the old lady gave to me.”
“After I did what I should do,” she said, her cheek turning red when she glimpsed a Imran, “I saw the cashier coming in. I was about to pass her and get out of the toilet when she shut the door and locked it. That was when I got confused. I didn’t say anything to her and passed her, reaching for the door.”
She took a deep breath. “She held my hand, and that was when I realized her other hidden hand held a knife. I got panick and tried to scream but no sound came out from my mouth. A-and she stabbed me. Right at the chest. Several times. It hurt like hell.” Tears started to form at her eyes. “It was horrible.”
I grabbed her hand tightly, giving her a smile as an attempt to reassure her. “Continue,” I said softly.
“My knees wobbled for some reasons and I fell to the floor and hit my head.” She paused. “That was when Sunglow came out from my chest as the cashier attempted to truly end my life. A black light came out from the cashier, prompting her to fell to the floor, unconscious. I didn’t know what Sunglow did to it, but they zipped around fastly, colliding each other. What I just saw was a mix of gold and black light flying around.”
“We were in a fight,” Sunglow said, her firm voice interrupting Sarah. “We’re competing with each other on absorbing the other’s energy. That’s how you kill a light, by absorbing its energy. Unfortunately, not all lights possess this ability.”
Sarah nodded. “Anyway, she managed to absorb the light’s energy fully. She went to me and healed me. I thought I was going to die. It took about fifteen minutes for the healing but she left a quite severe wound on my arm unhealed. Said that would be the excuse for me to skip the school. It hurt.”
“I was sure you were safer in your house,” Sunglow said, aware of Sarah’s glare on her. “It worked, didn’t it?”
Sarah sighed. “It worked. When I came back to the house, I lied to my father that I fell on something sharp. It wasn’t the best excuse but he didn’t ask me any further. He cared more about the wound. That’s my father for you.” She smiled. “And that’s why I didn’t go to school.”
I was sure my expression was bitter then. Sarah got a caring father - me? I got someone who felt like everyone around him had to earn the spot of being with him - that one had to be good enough.
“Well, that was intense,” Imran said, making a lame note. He glanced at the clock hanging on the wall. It was near seven. He looked at me. “We’ll get in touch. Merah, the time for Maghrib prayer is near. We need to go home.”
“Wait,” I said. I turned my attention to Sunglow. “Scar said the portal to your world was underground. Can you accompany him there? He said we couldn’t come with him, but he also said he couldn’t get far away from me.”
“Ah, yes. When a light finds a host, it’s best to stay near with the hos to allow synchronization. I was in Sarah all the time, entering her body when she was sleeping. I had no idea how the black light found its way to me, but I guessed he had been following me before I got to Sarah.
“You and Sarah need to go to us to the portal. Also, Imran, you should go to. I do not know how you are going to go out of the house with your parents’ permission, but you have to make it work somehow. If I and Scarlet can go there by ourselves, I would choose that option. As it is, synchronization stops when we get far away from our hosts. By the time we arrive at that place, Merah and Sarah stay on the ground.”
I clapped my hand. “Well, the plan’s set. We’ll wait in front of house at nine. Hopefully Father isn’t home right now - it’s hard to convince him to let us out. With mother there shouldn’t be any problem.” I got up, groaning. “Sometimes I’m too lazy for prayers when I’m involved in something important.”
Sarah eyed at me. “And sometimes I envy Muslimah. They get to wear the scarf and look proper, elegant and mature. It’s a good representation of a female.” She smiled. “You aren’t really religious.”
I let my fingers played with my hair. “I don’t know. It’s tiresome. Why do you like it? It isn’t easy to set up your scarf everyday, you know. And how to be proper, elegant and mature is subjective.”
She raised her eyebrow. “We are the more mature gender, Mer. No offense, Imran. You’re hot,” she said, giving Imran a wink, which made him flushed. “Not only we look better in scarfs or proper Muslimah, we also manage to hide our attractive figure. I mean, I like the concept of reserving it to your husband and family, and particularly like the thought that we are mature enough to know males can’t stand our beauty. Sometimes we need to think for the best for him.”
This was the first time we talked about religions here, but I saw something in Sarah. There was something wonderful in her, something I didn’t realize before. The sight of her smile was reassuring. I felt Imran tugging me.
“Okay, that’s enough. While I do think females in general are better than males, I don’t like to be reminded of that,” he said, giving us a smile. “It just happens our maturity growth is slower than all of you. Don’t stop liking us, though.”
Oh my god. Did he just reacting to Sarah’s flirting. I shook my head in disbelief and shooed him out of the room and turned my attention to Sarah and Sunglow. “See you at the portal.”
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Canary word: Present
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Hello again!

).
Sarah's story is interesting, but I'm still not convinced this is the perfect place to put it. It still feels a bit out of the blue to me and added in and I want it to be its own interesting entity. It could be developed more if it were its own scene instead of as a part of a larger scene. I think in this chapter you should focus on Imran and Merah figuring out Sarah has a light and meeting her light. I think Sarah should save her story for another day. Right now they should be focused on getting on the same page - who their lights are and what they're capable of, and what they need to do next.
Make Sarah's story mysterious, like maybe Sarah's personality should be a bit different than usual and Merah could wonder why that is. Sarah went through a really scary and traumatic thing and so I find it a little surprising that she was willing to just come right out and talk about it. And when she does, I want a lot more feeling. I want tears I want fear I want really realistic reactions to this really scary story. I want Merah to wonder what the implications might be and what this all means. Maybe a little later on Sarah could be a bit reluctant to join the mission and in the process of trying to convince her they realize that she's really scared of the bad lights and what could happen during this mission because of what happened to her. Then you could reveal her story. I think her story is interesting and dramatic enough that you could make it this big exciting reveal at some point. Don't give it to us yet. Make us wait for it and wonder what Sarah's deal is. (But first you have to give her a deal.) You showed Sarah's "before" in a previous scene, as in what her life was like before she met her light. Now this is "after" and I think it would be really interesting if her personality was different or something was different in this "after" because of her traumatic event. Then the reader will wonder what exactly it is about this light that is making her act differently and we'll have this big exciting reveal of her story
(I hope that made some sense... I feel like I just blabbered a lot
I'm not going to get into a lot of nit-picks about Sarah's story because I'm not convinced this is the time or place to tell her story and I've already mentioned how you can beef up her story when it's time to tell it (with emotion and stuff).
Another thing to think about when you tell the story is to think about the reactions of her friends. To me, both of these reactions are a bit cold and unsympathetic. Sarah just went through this horrible and scary thing and after she's done telling her story all Merah does is look bitter and feel jealous that Sarah has a loving father and she doesn't. Imran's like "cool. bye."
If they care about her, I would expect them to validate her feelings and let her know that they're here for her and that they're sorry this happened to her and that they're glad she's okay, etc. Sarah gets absolutely no emotional response from them and her feelings are kind of left there alone.
I want so much more emotion both from Sarah and from the others throughout and after her story. This is another reason why I think you should wait on the story - I want it to be the main event and a big reveal, not as an aside in the midst of another scene. Give it the attention it deserves
I think it would be a lot more natural and feel more realistic to continue with the conversation in the previous section and then transition into this part of the conversation.
I feel like we skipped some steps. Sunglow told them what she thinks they should do, and then bam Merah has a plan to make it happen. I feel like there should be some discussion among the three humans about what they think of this plan, whether or not they can/want to do it, and how they'll be able to pull it off. They should discuss and come up with a plan together instead of Merah snapping her fingers and deciding for everyone what they're going to do.
And I feel like we skipped some steps here too. We went from her plan to her feelings about her religion. The conversation that follows is interesting (even if I'm not 100% sure what all of the words mean :p) and I think it'd be fine to have in there, but I need more of a transition.
That's something I've noticed throughout this, as well. You tend to skip from one thing to another without a lot of transition between each thing. Each individual thing is interesting, but I want it to read more smoothly. Slow down a bit and bring it all together
This portal mission could be a great opportunity to execute what I mentioned earlier about Sarah. Maybe during the planning process she's a bit subdued and isn't offering a lot of ideas and Merah wonders to herself what's going on. They finalize their plan to go to the portal and maybe the next day, Sarah says she doesn't know if she can go through with it so Merah and Imran want to know why and she admits she's scared and they want to know why so she tells them her story and they really emphasize with her and make her feel better so she feels ready to go on this mission. Or it could be something different
I'm very glad I went back and read the parts I missed when I originally starting reading this way back when. I'm glad I'm getting all of the back story now. I'm almost back to the part that I originally read for you! I'm looking forward to reading more, and in the mean time, let me know if you have any questions or if anything I said was confusing!
Thanks for the review! And oh my gosh, that suggestion is fab. I'm going to snatch it right away.

The moment when I was writing Sarah's part, I didn't really think about the seriousness of this? I was just thinking about how she'd meet Sunglow and this one came up and it was so interesting and I just wrote it to make it done. -_-' I'm definitely going to go back this part and revise it.
I'm not sure about the timing though. I think the first question Mer and Imran would ask Sarah is how she finds her light (or vice versa) and Sarah'd eventually tell them. Perhaps I'm going to let her drag a bit, evading their question until she has a private moment with Merah and spills all out since she's best friend with Merah anyway.
Going to take a note on slowing it down too. I think I can put in more voice to make the transition smoother, as well as showing more of the other characters.
Gah, I'm just going to take note on everything because it's all true and I'm going to have a major revision for future drafts. -_-' Thanks anyway!
Glad you found it helpful!! I'll be back for more soon!
Hi there!
Two things. One, if Sarah is telling this story about how she almost died, why would Merah be relaxed enough to lay down on the bed? I'd imagine her sitting up, leaning forward, hands wrung. That would really show the tension of the situation. Otherwise it just feels like Sarah is telling a normal day story. There's nothing to show us what was scary about it.
Two, why is she thinking about the fluffiness of beds? It's out of place. It doesn't have anything to do with the story Sarah is telling. Not to mention, she's comparing it to her brother's bed. Why wouldn't her first thought shoot to her bed instead?
This is a grammar point. When stretching dialogue over paragraphs, the last quotation mark before the paragraph break doesn't need to be there. It closes the dialogue of that paragraph, but really the dialogue that same character is speaking continues in the next paragraph. It really cuts down on the confusion of who's talking.
I wish you would've taken advantage of the emotions Sarah was going through while telling this story. That's a pretty brutal thing that happened to her, getting stabbed in the chest and everything. The only thing we really see is the tears forming in her eyes. I'd expect her to be shaking or have trouble even speaking. There are a few places where she stutters a bit, but not anything super apparent. Her emotions would definitely bring the story to life and make us connect with her on that level.
Well then, looks like we're really getting into the thick of things! (I can't remember if I already said that in a previous review but I'm saying it again if I already did >.>) It seems like the bad lights are out there, chasing after the stronger, more important lights. I'm wondering if they're going to go after Scarlet soon. I can't wait to read on and see what happens once they pass through the portal.
Sorry this review isn't as in depth. There isn't much for me to say about this part of the chapter because we're basically just listening along to Sarah's story.
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Hey, Moalex here for a review. I know that the Monthly Review day of October is over but can never get enough reviews so. Just a heads up I never read any of the previous chapters so I will try my best to understand the concept of your story and any questions that I may have regarding your story that would probably be found in your previous chapters. I will be extremely honest with you so if you take anything I say into consideration, that would be great.
First off, I'm not too absorbed into your story but that is probably because I never read from the beginning. The chapter doesn't pull me in enough to make me immediately want to go back and read your chapter 1.
I'm going to say that your writing develops relatively fast. Not in terms of chapter length, but rather the story. I see a lot of time skipping which most amateur writers have trouble with but that is not a problem. The important events of your story is what matters. However, try to take the time to express your characters through their POV of there 5 senses. Simply saying they're in pain or the are confused does not make your characters sound like they are alive. Let your imagination during those events explode, that imagination will allow you to be more creative with your writing.
Other than that, I don't know if you have already proofread this chapter from the other review but I found some sentences that have some minor grammar errors. You may want to read them over correct them.
I got panick and tried to scream but no sound came out from my mouth. A-and she stabbed me.
A black light came out from the cashier, prompting her to fell to the floor, unconscious
I thought I was going to die. It took about fifteen minutes for the healing but she left a quite severe wound on my arm unhealed
I do not know how you are going to go out of the house with your parents’ permission
If I and Scarlet can go there by ourselves, I would choose that option
That's all for me, I hope you keep writing and keep up the story. Good Luck!
Hey Lightsong, it's backroads here to review!
Doesn't mean a whole lot to me. What exactly is she doing, is she pointing, is she fidgeting with her hair? I would like to see a little more specific description to understand what you mean, or I would just take it out entirely.Ok so these later chapters have a much nicer flow! I really enjoyed reading them, and I could get a better sense of everything going on! Just a few tweaks I would recommend:
I also think that could also have a little more description. How did she figure out it was a knife in her hand? Did she see the metal, or did she have no idea until the cashier pulled it out to use on her?
This part is just a little confusing? . My biggest concern- how is she not already dead? Was Sunglow's presence protecting her?
The only other thing that I noticed that the mood shifts pretty quickly. Sarah just recounts someone's attempt to murder her, but only a few minutes later she's fine and joking with Imran. Personally, I'm not a fan of such quick recoveries, I don't think they're realistic to expect form most any character- but yeah this is your call.
All-in-all though, I thought this was a great section! I loved how Sarah was noticing the freaky stares, and how you've added Merah's personal thoughts about Sunglow and Sarah's father!
Hope some of this was helpful!
backroadstraveler