It took fifteen minutes travel by bike to go to Sarah’s house. This time, Imran let me ride the bike - thankfully - with him as the passenger. It felt great feeling the aggressive wind against my face, wearing a helmet with its shield shifted upward. Imran hugged me tightly - probably because of the speed I took, as fast as he had taken but managed to worry him when he was behind me.
We arrived at Sarah’s house, a two-stories one. Pitch black painted the gate with half of the area behind it covered with grass while the other half was pure concrete where a silver Avanza car rested on. We got off the bike, and I parked it near the gate. I was about to press the bell when Imran grabbed my arm. His eyes were drifting from left to right, rubbing his arms with his hands. Scarlet floated near us.
“Are you sure it’s alright for me to come here? You know how Sarah’s like when I’m around,” he said, his voice full of irregularity. I could see the first trickle of sweat sliding down his chin.
I giggled. I knew how she was like around him, and it was funny although I wouldn’t approve. I patted his arm, aware of the muscles packed in it - he had been working since a couple of years ago. “It’s fine. I’m here with you. You know how I’m like when this thing happens.” I gave him a smile, hoping to reassure him.
He took a deep breath and released it, giving me a faint smile. I went to the bell and pressed it. We waited there under the scorching sunlight, me fanning myself with my hand. Imran took my hand in his - perhaps he felt more confident that way? - and it gave me a warm feeling. I was grateful to have a brother like him. He was true to himself, and got stronger over days. He didn’t know it, but he assured my safety.
The door painted with wood colour scheme opened slightly, giving Sarah’s head to pop out. She looked at me and smile. Then, she looked at Imran and grinned. “Mer! Imran! Glad you all have arrived. Come, come!” Noticing the gate wasn’t opened, she let out an “Oops!” and went inside before appearing again. Half of the gate opened forward, and we slipped in.
At the door, she grabbed his hands tightly, beaming at him. “Oh my god, Mer, you didn’t tell me you would bring your brother!” She grabbed his arm, feeling his bicep. “Wow, you’ve truly worked out! It just makes you more desirable.” She let out a longing sigh.
Noticing his fidgeting, I sent a sharp glare to her, and broke her hold of his hands. “He’s my brother, Sarah. Behave yourself.” I pushed Imran into the house and away from her. “I don’t want to call you sister-in-law afterwards,” I added, making sure my statements weren’t as harsh as they originally sounded.
She was still with her grin. “That would still be nice though. Now, up up, go to my room. My parents aren’t here, so don’t be shy and make this place your own,” she said, pushing through us and leading to her room. There was a stair at our right, and we ascended it.
The first floor was classic - her parents’ favourite - with wooden colours; all sorts of brown from the lightest shade to the deepest. We went into her room, and Imran opened his mouth slightly, shocked with the sudden contrast of it compared to the outside. It was painted in pink. The mattress was covered with white bed cover and light blue polka dots. Beside it was a shelf of teddy bears.
Scarlet hovered near us. “Where’s the light?” he said. Of course,
Sarah didn’t hear us but Imran and I did. We turned our heads to him, raising our eyebrows in unison. I sat on the bed while Imran took a seat at the studying table in front of the shelf. The room felt quite cool, given the air conditioner at the edge of the ceiling was working. Sarah sat beside me, grabbing my hand and playing with it with a smile on her face.
“Okay, let me show you,” she said, unaware of how she was subconsciously replying to Scarlet.
I saw it, then. Her body started to glow, radiating a faint gold light before a light with the size of a coconut appeared out of her chest, exiting itself from her. It was golden. I gasped. It was true after all - she did have a light with her. I wasn’t expecting this, however - what with it coming out from her. I looked at Scarlet and I saw he was vibrating vigorously, moving from one side to another.
Sarah let out a small yelp, looking suddenly at him. He must had shown himself to her as exchange to her showing the golden light. Her attention turned back to me. “You have it too!” she said, placing her hand on her chest.
“Your majesty,” Scarlet said, his voice descended to a whisper. He went low, lower than the golden light as if... he was trying to bow. “I am at utmost gladness to see you here.”
“No, you don’t,” the light replied. Its voice was feminine - it was a her. “Your warrior lights always have a grudge with the royalty, however minor it is. I couldn’t blame you but this isn’t the time for it.” She spoke with a flair of authority and gracefulness, based on her dulcet voice.
Scarlet moved to me. “This is the majesty of the light world - Sunglow, a shade of gold. She is the second in line of the throne.”
Suddenly, I felt the urge to bow. I lowered my head slightly. “Your majesty.”
Only Imran who didn’t show the respect to Sunglow. “Your majesty,” he said - at least he was addressing her correctly, “like you’ve said, there’s no time for little arguments. My sister and I have been informed as to why you lights are here. I think it’s only appropriate to act - I need my light back.” I could hear the desperation in his voice, how it lost its usual coolness. Silver must had meant a lot to him.
Sarah moved her hand to her forehead. She sighed. “This escalated quickly. I thought to give you a surprise - really didn’t see you giving me one in return.” She looked at Sunglow who was floating on the bed. “You didn’t tell me you’re a royal member.”
“At that time, I didn’t think it would be important to tell you. Matters about royalties or hierarchies, really, isn’t going to help us right now. But I concede - I guess having some royal energy in you gives you the right authority flair to control the others.” She went to Scarlet. “I assure you, Warrior, I’m not like the other royal members.”
Scarlet was quiet for a few seconds, but the silence was quickly broken. “If that is so, then it’s certainly a good thing,” he said, not letting himself to speak more of his mind.
“I assume this boy asking me for his light means he didn’t get the satisfying answer from you?” Sunglow said, her voice having a sudden lift of tone to convey surprised.
“His light is Silver, your majesty,” Scarlet said. “She’s currently helping on the battlefield -”
Sarah clapped her hands, interrupting him. “Before we’re moving to the serious and dire and oh-so-terrifying matter, I want to tell you how I met Sunglow. It wasn’t unpleasant, really, and I, um,” she said, her attention shifted relentlessly from me to Imran, “almost died.”
How was that not serious and dire and oh-so-terrifying?
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Hello again! I thought this was one of your stronger chapter segments so far! I think what really worked for me was that you kept this simple and to the point. There was a clear focus to this segment - visiting Sarah and her new light - and you kept it to that. The writing was also clear and the chapter itself was exciting!
Subject before verb and description. Also, I thought the descriptions were a bit round-about so it was hard to follow what you were describing. It took me a couple of reads to get it. I think it could be simplified like: "We arrived at Sarah's two-story house. The gate was painted pitch black and a silver Avanza car rested on the driveway."
What is she like when Imran is around? Why does she think it's funny yet she doesn't approve? Maybe a little more of her thoughts here.
I think it's a bit awkward for a sister to be aware of and then mention her brother's muscles. Noticing muscles feels like an intimate thing to me because girls usually find muscles attractive and would want to notice muscles. Maybe it's a cultural thing, but it stood out to me
Same here. This feels a bit intimate for a sibling relationship. I would never hold hands with one of my brothers no matter how nervous I felt. If you're going to include it, I would include more thoughts from Merah about how she feels about this and what she's thinking. Is this normal for them? Is this comfortable or does she feel weird about it?
How so?
I'm all for a love interest, but this felt weird to me too. I can't imagine this happening in real life. If I liked my friend's brother, I wouldn't explicitly show that right in front of my friend. Or if one of my friends liked my brother and did this right in front of me, I would be pretty annoyed with my friend (and grossed out). Merah does have a pretty good reaction to this, but I'm a bit surprised that Sarah is so bold. If that's just a function of her personality and she's bold and impulsive then fine. It just took me off guard a bit.
Like I said, I liked her reaction. That felt authentic. I would also like more of her inner monologue right now. I want to know exactly how she really feels about this situation, deeper than what she's willing to say out loud
Is she saying being Merah's sister-in-law would still be nice? Because that's a bit presumptive and forthcoming :p I mean, she's not even dating Imran and we don't know if Imran likes her back or how he feels about this so it seems a little odd that she's throwing herself at him so much. Maybe she's just really confident, I don't know
Her response confused me a bit. To me, it seems like Scarlet is just trying to be polite, but then she goes and dismisses that because of some grudge. What grudge? And he doesn't appear to have a grudge against her if he's bowing and treating her with respect. And this isn't the time for what?
Is Sarah also in on what's going on and what the larger mission is with these lights too? Did Sunglow fill her in on everything before Merah and Imran got here? Otherwise I would guess she'd be pretty confused right now.
I love a good cliff-hanger or twist, but this felt so out of the blue. If this story is really important to the plot, then I would think of a different place to drop it in so it doesn't break up the momentum. I want to know what these lights are going to do and I want to get used to this new light, which was what was happening until Sarah interrupted. I'm not sure where Sarah's story could be dropped in, but at least right now it feels less important than the conversation that's being had because it's going back to something that happened in the past rather than moving the plot forward.
I would like to see more of Merah in this section. Once she shows up at this house and sits down, we don't hear from her again. She's the main character. She's the one telling the story. Even if she's not talking all of the time, I want to know her reactions and her thoughts about what is going on and what is being said. A good way to bring her into the conversation is for her to be the one asking questions. Remember that this is a new world for your reader and we're going to have a lot of questions about it. This is also a new world for Merah and she's probably going to have a lot of questions about it. You can use Merah to explain things by having her ask the questions readers might be wondering and have her sort through and process the information.
Let me know if you have any questions/if anything was confusing, and I'll see you in the next chapter!
Thanks for the review! Hmm, I might confuse myself with the siblings' age here. Maybe when they're young it's okay holding hands but not when they're teenagers. I think I'd fix that.
The part about muscles is just to show Imran's muscular, really, nothing else. >.>
Right now, the grudge he has with the lights are the his Creation Light, which is explained in first chapter.
You'd find out in future chapters that Scarlet indeed harbors a grudge on royal lights, but the matter isn't explored yet. It'd be tied with... something important soon.
Sarah's been filled with everything after she met Sunglow, and the part about her meeting Sunglow was actually the perilous one she's about to tell. So it's important to know how she meets Sunglow like that.
Hi there!
I'd give you proper terms for the grammar and such, but no one ever really taught me that stuff. All I know is how it should be xD
Instead you can say something like "She was still wearing her grin" or "The grin was still on her face". If you're with something that means there's you and the other thing. Here it's Sarah grinning.
So you already know I love this novel. I've told you a lot about the original plot and how I'm so excited to keep reading. This is about the time when I review novels that I start backing down on the praise and focus more on what you can do to make it better. Just wanted to let you know ^_^ Of course that doesn't mean I'm not going to praise at all. It just means I'm focusing more on what sticks out that's not supposed to.
The one thing I've noticed about Chapter 2 as a whole is that there are three time jumps in it. It's quite apparent when it's posted in a form like it is on this site, where each part is a different post. Read each of these parts over again continuously and you'll catch how chunky it is. You could easily cut out these two time jumps and just add in a nice transition to the next scene. It would flow a lot better.
I appreciate the subtle humor in the fact that Sarah has a crush on Imran. However, I feel like it was pulled almost out of the blue. Why would Imran wait until they were exactly at Sarah's house to voice his concerns about being around Sarah? That reaction would most likely happen the moment he heard they were going to Sarah's. I once knew a boy had a crush on me and I couldn't stop thinking about the awkwardness each time I thought of going to the class I had with him. It's not really something that you can forget about and only just remember.
Their emotions before ringing the bell at Sarah's house are interesting. I get the feeling that Merah is nervous. It makes sense for Imran to be nervous with the whole Sarah thing, but this is Merah's friend. Wouldn't she be more excited than anything?
Well then, another plot twist! Who would've thought that the light Sarah has would be a royalty? I wasn't even thinking that there was even royalty among the lights. It should be interesting to see this light and Scarlet interacting in the future.
Grammar (I'm not holding back on this, just fair warning :3 I feel like I owe you that):
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Not really grammar much, but there are extra words in here that makes the sentence clunky. If you omit "travel by bike to go" and substitute "to get" the sentence will flow better.
First off, the words felt and feeling here are redundant. I'd replace "felt" with "was" to fix that. Second, this sentence is out of order. The part about wearing the shield of the helmet lifted up should be first seeing as it's the actual event. Feeling the wind against her face is the result.
This is a run on sentence. The first half talks about the color of the gate while the second half focuses on what it looks like beyond the gate. Either split this into two sentences or use a semi-colon to break it up.
In this first sentence, Imran grabs Merah's arm, but then in the second sentence his hands are on his own arms. That's more of a clerical thing than actual grammar.
Here you use the semi-colon, but it isn't needed. The colors are describing the classic floor so it can all fit together. There should be a comma instead of the semi-colon.
The word in isn't needed here. It's painted a certain color, not painted in a certain color.
Saying she's "with her grin" creates the image of her grin being next to her
No need for a comma here. The only time you really need a comma before the word "then" is when you're listing events. For example, "We ate our lunch quickly, then we headed back to the lab".
Personally I'm not a huge fan of ellipses in narration. Here's why. When you're reading a book you're looking for a strong narrator that knows everything about the story. When the ellipses is snuck in there it makes it seem like the narrator is less stable in their story telling. If the narrator doesn't know what's going on at the moment, how can we trust that they actually know what's going on at other times. Make sense?
As always, I'm excited to read the next chapter! Especially since you left us on that cliffhanger
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Thanks for the review! Appreciate it so much, especially the part about grammar. <3 I totally agree with what you've said, including the ellipses one. Continue reviewing!
Hey! Happy Review Day! I've previously read the other chapters, and this one. I looked back over this one before writing this, but didnt re-read the parts before this one.
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Have a great day!
~Myth
Hey, it's Sagi! I'm going to say first of all that I haven't read the previous chapters. I wanted this to get feedback ASAP. So, let's go!
Shield? Where did this shield come from? And do people wear helmets aimed upwards? This sentence just doesn't make sense to me.
This sentence is good, don't get me wrong, but the portion that I've highlighted is a little awkward. There's just something missing there. How about...
Imran hugged me tightly - although we were travelling at the same speed as before, it seemed to worry him when he was behind me.
This should be 'what'
'Working out'. I'm nitpicking so much...
Overall...
This is good, this is good! I'm really liking the concept of the light and the colours. I love the way you put a question at the end of the chapter. It acts as a sort of cliffhanger, but not quite a massive cliffhanger. I'm going to read the chapters before this one, this seems really good!
Keep writing,
~Sagi ♥