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A Painter & Writer's Magic [Chapter 6]

by Liberty


Last Line(s): Audrey stepped forward. “Fine.” she said. “We’ll help.”

Akol gave her a wide grin. “Thank you!”

Will was fine with Audrey’s decision. As long as she was safe, he was fine with it all. “One question.” he spoke up. Akol smiled wider at him, urging him to speak. “Why are your eyes red to me and black to Aud?”

Akol chuckled. “Everyone sees me differently.”

Chapter 6

Soon, the couple and the devil were trudging through the dark forest. Since Will and Audrey weren’t at all familiar with the woods, they kept on tripping over roots and stones. Akol looked as if he was floating over the ground - he might as well have been.

“Blimey.” Will started. “If I trip over one more root, I’ll die -” he was interrupted by Akol who stuck out his leg, making him trip. Will’s feet tangled beneath him and he fell face first into the dirt. “Ow.”

Akol chuckled as Audrey leaned down to help him up. She looked up at the devil and scowled. "Idiot." she muttered. Will sat on his knees.

"What the hell was that for?" he glared at the devil, who was a few feet away, waiting for the other two to get up. Dashingly, Akol smiled, showing off his pearly white fangs. "He's a buffoon." Will told Audrey.

"I'm aware." she replied.

The three of them started again on the track, Akol doing a few annoying pranks along the way. In their hearts, Will and Audrey were sending curses to him. The sun was rising now and the sky was a mix of pink, purple, and orange. Audrey whipped out her phone when she saw the beautiful scene, and took a picture. When they reached a larger clearing that stretched far and wide, her mouth dropped.

The scene was wondrous. There was the beautifully colored sky and tall, lifeless trees on the horizon. At that moment, a flock of foreign looking birds flew above the trees. Farther away, mountains stood tall. Her eyes frozen on the sight, she held up her hands and snapped another picture.

"It's much more beautiful when the Ditch is alive." Akol said quietly. Will was beside him, gaping at the same thing Audrey was. Audrey turned to look at Akol.

"What do you mean?" she breathed. "This is beautiful."

"Not after the Attack." Akol said bluntly.

Seeing that he was upset talking about whatever ‘the Attack’ was, Audrey kept quiet. Will didn't take the hint. "What attack?"

"The angels attacked." Akol said.

"What?" he scrunched up his nose.

"I'll explain more later." with that, Akol started walking away, towards the mountains to the left. Audrey and Will shared a confused look. Neither knew what he was talking about. Audrey turned on her phone.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"Looking through myths and legends." she replied.

"I doubt there's internet."

"Mobile data."

"No satellite, either."

"We'll see."

Audrey clicked on the data icon, clicked yes when the phone double checked with her whether or not she wanted to use data or not, and searched up 'myths and legends about devils' on Google. It worked. Will was looking over her shoulder.

"Oh well." he shrugged, and jogged behind Akol, trying to keep up with his long strides. He was already a few meters away. Audrey walked behind them. There was nothing interesting to see. Just stories.

And more stories.

And even more stories. Audrey sighed.

None of them matched what Akol had said so far.

Audrey sighed and tucked away her phone. She walked cautiously around the roots, hopping over bigger stones. When she reached Will, she intertwined her fingers in his and held firmly.

“What’s wrong?” Will asked, sensing Audrey’s fear.

“Nothing.” Audrey said. Will didn’t say anything.

Something swished in front of them as they walked onward. Audrey and Will froze. Akol, as fast as lightning, turned around and held an attack pose, ready to strike when necessary. There was a bow and arrow in his hands. “Behind me. Now.” his voice was low. When neither Will nor Audrey moved, he looked up at them and his body started growing again.

“That’s actually probably the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen.” Will muttered, dragging Audrey with him a few feet behind Akol. Something they hadn’t noticed before was that Akol had grown a tail. It was a long red, rope looking thing, and it had a triangle shaped thing at the end.

“Ew.” Audrey scrunched up her nose. “He’s a literal devil. His horns and tail and his horrifyingly muscular body…”

Will flinched when Audrey said that last part. There was something else in her voice, other than disgust. He squeezed her hand. Akol was still standing there, crouched low now, the bow and arrow still ready to strike. The bush rustled but nothing showed itself. Akol spoke up, his voice as low as low could go. “Emoce tuo. I ma Retsam fo eht Hctid. Wohs flesrouy, won.”

Slowly, the rustling stopped and out came the most beautiful creature Audrey or Will had ever seen. She had long silky white hair that flowed down to her feet, her face was clear of flaws, she had bright eyes the color of the moon, and there was an unearthly glow coming from her. Something that almost made Audrey pass out was her wings. They were made of feathers and it looked like there were pearls decorating it, but when Audrey looked closer, there were no pearls on either wing. Not one.

Akol straightened up, and he slowly changed back into his original form. “Obraya.” he snarled.

“Akolxohez.” Obraya smiled, and it seemed as if the whole world lit up.

“Stop.” Akol growled.

“Why?” Obraya smiled even wider and Will felt weak at his knees. Audrey squeezed his hand tighter.

“You’re going to kill them, you fool.” Akol said.

“Your painter and writer seem precious to you. Hm?” Obraya’s smile left her lips.

Akol had completely returned to his normal-form now. “Of course.”

“How are you?” Obraya walked towards Akol, walking around him. When she reached behind him, she looked at Will in the eye, and winked. Will felt a lump in his throat. That’s when the couple noticed her attire. It was a beautiful long gown with gold embroidery. Her feet were bare and Audrey almost felt the urge to give her her own shoes.

“Stop, Obraya. You’re not supposed to be here. You’re supposed to be up in the skies.” Akol said, spelling out each word. “Go. Back.”

“No.” Obraya said, standing in front of Akol again. “I have a job to do.”

“What is it?” Akol hissned and narrowed his eyes at her.

“I have to kill two specific people.” Obraya smiled again, the corner of her eyes crinkling.

Akol held out his right hand and a white substance - mist, was it? - danced out of his palm, and swirled around Obraya, making her freeze. Her smile was still there and her eyes looked empty, sending chills up Audrey and Will’s spines. Akol held up his left hand to his side and a flail appeared in his hand with a soft crack! The couple stared in horror and Akol swung the flail around his head three times before smashing it into Obraya’s body. As if made of glass, Obraya shattered into a million pieces.

Audrey screamed and Will clamped her mouth shut. Audrey bit his hand away and Will winced in pain. Audrey marched up to Akol and punched him. “You just killed her!” she yelled.

Akol looked up at Will understandingly. “I see why you hate her punching you all the time.” he said coolly. Audrey’s face turned red with anger. “She was about to kill you two.” Akol said. He muttered a few words and the flail disappeared from his hand. Shattered-Obraya still had an unearthly glow to her even in her broken state.

Before Akol could add another sentence, the shattered pieces of Obraya started vibrating and moving around until it created the number -

“One?” That was Will.

“There ya go. She has one life left.” Akol explained.

“But you still murdered her!” Audrey exclaimed, horrified.

“Not exactly. And even if I did, Herschel would send another one of his slaves to kill you two. I was protecting you, so shut up and follow me. I’ll explain.” Akol said.

Audrey tried to retort but when she tried to open her mouth, it wouldn’t budge. Neither did Will’s. So they held each other’s hand, and followed Akol out of the dark forest.


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Wed Apr 29, 2020 7:16 pm
LadyVendetta says...



Hey, it's Jade, and I'm two reviews away from my next star. Eeek! I'm really starting to enjoy writing these for you, it's really just me talking, almost to myself but you read it and probably roll your eyes. OK, let's get started! I hope you appreciate my soul almost leaving my body for this

Soon, the couple and the devil were trudging through the dark forest. Since Will and Audrey weren’t at all familiar with the woods, they kept on tripping over roots and stones. Akol looked as if he was floating over the ground - he might as well have been.

Alright, give us a description of this place. I keep imagining dark red and black land, full of screams and cries. Or is like earth, just different? Give your readers some help on this one as soon as we’re introduced, so we don’t imagine it ourselves and mess it up.

The three of them started again on the track, Akol doing a few annoying pranks along the way. In their hearts, Will and Audrey were sending curses to him. The sun was rising now and the sky was a mix of pink, purple, and orange. Audrey whipped out her phone when she saw the beautiful scene, and took a picture. When they reached a larger clearing that stretched far and wide, her mouth dropped.

The paragraph is long, and you really seem to love commas :P. Read it aloud and you’ll see how stilted it is.


"Not after the Attack." Akol said bluntly.

Once, when I was like 6, I was doing front flips on a bar at the park, and this teenage girl walked up to me and said “I used to do that… before the accident,” before walking off all mysterious like. That just reminded me of that and I can’t stop laughing.

So far, the flow has been pretty bad, but since I’ve read future chapter, I know it gets better, and this is a first draft. Just keep your eye on it!
"What?" he scrunched up his nose.

"I'll explain more later." with that, Akol started walking away, towards the mountains to the left. Audrey and Will shared a confused look. Neither knew what he was talking about. Audrey turned on her phone.

This reaction also feels sort of forced. A whole character change for Akol. ALso, for someone like Audrey, she seems like the type of person who would demand to know, being taken from her planet, kidnapped, etc. She seems like she deserves to know, but that’s just the vibe I get from her, and you know her best.


And even more stories. Audrey sighed.

You keep starting sentences with and. I’ve found, in an actual book, starting a sentence with and is a bit ametuer!


“That’s actually probably the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen.” Will muttered, dragging Audrey with him a few feet behind Akol. Something they hadn’t noticed before was that Akol had grown a tail. It was a long red, rope looking thing, and it had a triangle shaped thing at the end.

Ahhh, cliche alert! I know that’s how popular culture defines demons and devils, but make them however you feel. Make them green, or give them friggin halos if you want. Breaking a cliche will make the story stick with readers, and you’re creative, I know you got this!


Will flinched when Audrey said that last part. There was something else in her voice, other than disgust. He squeezed her hand. Akol was still standing there, crouched low now, the bow and arrow still ready to strike. The bush rustled but nothing showed itself. Akol spoke up, his voice as low as low could go. “Emoce tuo. I ma Retsam fo eht Hctid. Wohs flesrouy, won.”


Jesus, she is married. Calm down Aud. But I like how you added in what looks like Latin, or is it made up. EIther way, nice touch.

“Why?” Obraya smiled even wider and Will felt weak at his knees. Audrey squeezed his hand tighter.

I love all the foreign names, but maybe have Will (he seems more likely to do this) mispronounce them, just because these are crazy for normal people to speak easily.

“Your painter and writer seem precious to you. Hm?” Obraya’s smile left her lips.

Ooh, I like the title reference.

Akol held out his right hand and a white substance - mist, was it? - danced out of his palm, and swirled around Obraya, making her freeze. Her smile was still there and her eyes looked empty, sending chills up Audrey and Will’s spines. Akol held up his left hand to his side and a flail appeared in his hand with a soft crack! The couple stared in horror and Akol swung the flail around his head three times before smashing it into Obraya’s body. As if made of glass, Obraya shattered into a million pieces.

Alright, a prime example of how this would be so much more impactful in multiple paragraphs.

“But you still murdered her!” Audrey exclaimed, horrified.
So, remember the first time I commented on how you didn’t HAVE to say how they were feeling.
Exclaimed, her face pale.
Screamed, her voice cracking as tears filled her eyes.
Snapped, her face hardened.

All show more specific emotions, which give your story a more real touch!

OVERALL:


I liked this chapter, though it fell a bit flat. One thing I recommend is making them longer, more filling, etc.
I’ve gone over my major concerns already, so I’m going to go take a break and come back in a minute!

Jade




Liberty says...


you really seem to love commas

I do. I really do. xD

Thanks for the review!! :)



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Wed Apr 29, 2020 7:16 pm
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LadyVendetta wrote a review...



Hey, it's Jade, and I'm two reviews away from my next star. Eeek! I'm really starting to enjoy writing these for you, it's really just me talking, almost to myself but you read it and probably roll your eyes. OK, let's get started! I hope you appreciate my soul almost leaving my body for this

Soon, the couple and the devil were trudging through the dark forest. Since Will and Audrey weren’t at all familiar with the woods, they kept on tripping over roots and stones. Akol looked as if he was floating over the ground - he might as well have been.

Alright, give us a description of this place. I keep imagining dark red and black land, full of screams and cries. Or is like earth, just different? Give your readers some help on this one as soon as we’re introduced, so we don’t imagine it ourselves and mess it up.

The three of them started again on the track, Akol doing a few annoying pranks along the way. In their hearts, Will and Audrey were sending curses to him. The sun was rising now and the sky was a mix of pink, purple, and orange. Audrey whipped out her phone when she saw the beautiful scene, and took a picture. When they reached a larger clearing that stretched far and wide, her mouth dropped.

The paragraph is long, and you really seem to love commas :P. Read it aloud and you’ll see how stilted it is.


"Not after the Attack." Akol said bluntly.

Once, when I was like 6, I was doing front flips on a bar at the park, and this teenage girl walked up to me and said “I used to do that… before the accident,” before walking off all mysterious like. That just reminded me of that and I can’t stop laughing.

So far, the flow has been pretty bad, but since I’ve read future chapter, I know it gets better, and this is a first draft. Just keep your eye on it!
"What?" he scrunched up his nose.

"I'll explain more later." with that, Akol started walking away, towards the mountains to the left. Audrey and Will shared a confused look. Neither knew what he was talking about. Audrey turned on her phone.

This reaction also feels sort of forced. A whole character change for Akol. ALso, for someone like Audrey, she seems like the type of person who would demand to know, being taken from her planet, kidnapped, etc. She seems like she deserves to know, but that’s just the vibe I get from her, and you know her best.


And even more stories. Audrey sighed.

You keep starting sentences with and. I’ve found, in an actual book, starting a sentence with and is a bit ametuer!


“That’s actually probably the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen.” Will muttered, dragging Audrey with him a few feet behind Akol. Something they hadn’t noticed before was that Akol had grown a tail. It was a long red, rope looking thing, and it had a triangle shaped thing at the end.

Ahhh, cliche alert! I know that’s how popular culture defines demons and devils, but make them however you feel. Make them green, or give them friggin halos if you want. Breaking a cliche will make the story stick with readers, and you’re creative, I know you got this!


Will flinched when Audrey said that last part. There was something else in her voice, other than disgust. He squeezed her hand. Akol was still standing there, crouched low now, the bow and arrow still ready to strike. The bush rustled but nothing showed itself. Akol spoke up, his voice as low as low could go. “Emoce tuo. I ma Retsam fo eht Hctid. Wohs flesrouy, won.”


Jesus, she is married. Calm down Aud. But I like how you added in what looks like Latin, or is it made up. EIther way, nice touch.

“Why?” Obraya smiled even wider and Will felt weak at his knees. Audrey squeezed his hand tighter.

I love all the foreign names, but maybe have Will (he seems more likely to do this) mispronounce them, just because these are crazy for normal people to speak easily.

“Your painter and writer seem precious to you. Hm?” Obraya’s smile left her lips.

Ooh, I like the title reference.

Akol held out his right hand and a white substance - mist, was it? - danced out of his palm, and swirled around Obraya, making her freeze. Her smile was still there and her eyes looked empty, sending chills up Audrey and Will’s spines. Akol held up his left hand to his side and a flail appeared in his hand with a soft crack! The couple stared in horror and Akol swung the flail around his head three times before smashing it into Obraya’s body. As if made of glass, Obraya shattered into a million pieces.

Alright, a prime example of how this would be so much more impactful in multiple paragraphs.

“But you still murdered her!” Audrey exclaimed, horrified.
So, remember the first time I commented on how you didn’t HAVE to say how they were feeling.
Exclaimed, her face pale.
Screamed, her voice cracking as tears filled her eyes.
Snapped, her face hardened.

All show more specific emotions, which give your story a more real touch!

OVERALL:


I liked this chapter, though it fell a bit flat. One thing I recommend is making them longer, more filling, etc.
I’ve gone over my major concerns already, so I’m going to go take a break and come back in a minute!

Jade




Liberty says...


Ack, but this was the real review. Thanks for the real review! xD



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Tue Mar 31, 2020 1:46 am
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EternalRain wrote a review...



Happy Review Day!

Okay, I'm really enjoying this - I think I'm enjoying it more now that we've entered into this other realm (the Ditch)? I just love the slight fantasy feel, the weird supernatural vibe that's going on. It's really great. Obviously Audrey and Will are fascinated (especially Audrey) and Akol saying it used to be prettier before the Attack... just makes me want to see it!

I also love the moral ambiguity going on here. As readers, we still don't really know if Akol is evil. I mean, he's coming across with good intentions (he wants to restore the world, angels attacked, etc), but he IS a devil. So I'm still biting my nails waiting to see how this is going to unfold. Super good.

Obraya's description was absolutely beautiful. She still has one life left though, so I'm wondering if she's going to return. I almost wish we had a little more time with her - just to increase the suspense, maybe drag out the "Are Will and Audrey on the good side or bad side?" thing. I just feel like the section with her was a little rushed. :( Or maybe I'm also just captivated by her glowing moon-ness O-O (Her charm was described really well. I like how she winked and Audrey almost gave her her shoes LOL).

I wish Audrey demanded a bit more info from Akol. I mean, even asking "What IS she?" about Obraya. I don't want to encourage you to give a ton of info because I'm loving how we're gradually learning more, but at the same time there needs to be a balance of believability - I'm not sure how much I believe Audrey kind of just accepting it (besides her being upset about the actual death). It's a bit of a tight situation, balancing believability vs info-dump, but yeah. Just wanted to say it! Although I guess Akol's gonna explain soon haha

I'm so excited to read more!

~ EternalRain




Liberty says...


Thanks for the review! And the Audrey-not-asking-question thing is because she's super shocked. I don't know how I put that but she's just in a state of shock. Thanks again!



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Fri Mar 27, 2020 5:43 pm
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Hkumar wrote a review...



Hey!

The beginning part of this chapter made me laugh. Akol intentionally made Will trip over and then called him a "buffoon". He is a good prankster and really mischievous.

I was not expecting the ditch to be a beautiful place. Initially I thought of it to be someplace like hell but I guess I was wrong! Loved your description <3

The angels attacking this place, now that's something you don't hear everyday. I think there's going to be a lot of surprises and suspense in your story.

“He’s a literal devil. His horns and tail and his horrifyingly muscular body…”
Will flinched when Audrey said that last part. There was something else in her voice, other than disgust. He squeezed her hand.

Is it just my weird imagination or Aud was charmed by Akol's muscular body and Will got jealous.lol

Slowly, the rustling stopped and out came the most beautiful creature Audrey or Will had ever seen. She had long silky white hair that flowed down to her feet, her face was clear of flaws, she had bright eyes the color of the moon, and there was an unearthly glow coming from her. Something that almost made Audrey pass out was her wings. They were made of feathers and it looked like there were pearls decorating it, but when Audrey looked closer, there were no pearls on either wing. Not one.

I loved how you described Obraya, she did seem to be very attractive and beautiful.

In this chapter we got to see some more powers of Akol and he used it to kill Obraya.It's difficult to say who is right or who is wrong at the moment. The Devil is protecting the couple and the angel is sent to kill them. Wow!
There's a lot to be revealed in the coming chapters. ;)




Liberty says...


Thanks for the review!



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Sun Mar 22, 2020 5:36 pm
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MeherazulAzim16 wrote a review...



Hi Hedwig!

Here for another late review. I loved the action in this chapter—first signs of serious trouble. After every chapter I feel like I know Akol a little better. Here we are introduced to his offensive abilities. It's interesting that he uses a flail and can freeze an enemy. It's a fresh take, different from the powers that are often attributed to demons and devils, e.g. fire-bending (actually, I wouldn't be surprised if he showcases that ability in the future too). Akol wasn't pulling his punches and that establishes the stakes. Had he not acted, Aud and Will would've been dead. It's also established that Akol is prepared to kill in order to protect the painter and the writer, and reach his goal.

Audrey whipped out her phone when she saw the beautiful scene, and took a picture.


This made me wonder... do her abilities extend to the digital media? For example, if she takes a picture or uses a drawing app to paint a landscape, and then recites the relevant spell, does anything happen?

The sun was rising now and the sky was a mix of pink, purple, and orange.


I like this description. It's specific. But I also wondered after reading the whole chapter if Obraya and her kind (since Akol implied she should've been in the sky, and assuming her ability was light manipulation) had anything to do with the texture.

At that moment, a flock of foreign looking birds flew above the trees.


I believe this part could have been described better, e.g. wings, color or their call etc. 'Foreign looking birds' could mean so many things to different readers, yet not mean anything in specific. But that could have been your intention, leaving this visual to the reader's imagination.

"The angels attacked." Akol said.


This is my favorite revelation so far. Angels being flawed creaturs capable of real destruction, while a devil shows empathy, sense of humor and protects two, however special, human beings—I'm so very intrigued to see how this plays out.

"What are you doing?" he asked.


On my first read, I was confused as to who 'he' was, as both Akol and Will appeared in the previous paragraph. It wasn't until Will was looking over her shoulder that I could add up it was Will who thought there would not be internet in the ditch and that later he was looking over to see if he's right. Maybe this part could use some clarification.

Also, I wonder how they actually have internet in the ditch. Do devils use electronic devices? Or is the ditch just a parallel world that exists/vibrates really close to ours (as it is in a lot of sci-fi)? OR is it a place on Earth, but just beyond the reach of humans?

I know you asked us to leave out any grammatical points, but I thought I should point this thing out since it happened a couple times throughout the chapter—

“Stop, Obraya. You’re not supposed to be here. You’re supposed to be up in the skies.” Akol said.


You probably missed it while writing in a haste but supposed to be up in the skies should end with a comma since a tag (Akol said) follows this dialogue.

Aaaaaaaand that's the review! This chapter had more tension than most of the previous ones. Aud and Will saw someone get killed (but not exactly), learned more about Akol's powers, as did the readers. I'd probably want to see that reflect in their demeanor/interactions in the next chapters, now that the nature of the obstacles they are to face is more apparent.

Excelsior!

~MAS




Liberty says...


Thanks for the review! As for the internet thing - magic. That should explain it. xD



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Sun Mar 22, 2020 5:25 pm
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Gnomish wrote a review...



Hello again!

I know I'm a little late to the party but I was feeling unmotivated so there we are.

The scene was wondrous.

In the last sentence/paragraph you used the word scene as well. I would try to use something like "landscape" or "sight" just to add some variety.

I'm not sure why you included Audrey looking up the stories, since it didn't teach her anything. Maybe you have a reason later on, but if not I would take that out.

Before hey met Obraya, Audrey grabbed Will's hand because she was scared. If I were you I would explain that fear a little bit more. Did she see a swish before Will did? Or was it just a prickly feeling?

I really like the description of Obraya (an angel, I presume?) and how she has multiple lives. I kept on thinking Audrey would take out her phone again and take a picture of her, which would be what I would do!

Anyways, I hope this review was helpful. On to the next chapter!
-Gnomish




Liberty says...


Thanks for the review!



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Wed Mar 18, 2020 6:11 pm
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4revgreen wrote a review...



Hey there!

I was looking forward to reading this! This was a really exciting chapter, and I liked the introduction of Obraya. I hope she comes back!

“Blimey.” Will started. “If I trip over one more root, I’ll die -” he was interrupted by Akol who stuck out his leg, making him trip. Will’s feet tangled beneath him and he fell face first into the dirt. “Ow.”

This made me laugh, I love Akol so much but I also feel so bad for Will!

In their hearts, Will and Audrey were sending curses to him.

I understand what you're saying, but it makes more sense to say "in their heads" or "in their minds"

“Emoce tuo. I ma Retsam fo eht Hctid. Wohs flesrouy, won.”

It took me so long to work out what this said. "Come out.I am master of the ditch, show yourself, now" is that right?

As if made of glass, Obraya shattered into a million pieces.

I really love this imagery!

Audrey marched up to Akol and punched him. “You just killed her!” she yelled.

I love Audrey, she just punched the devil! What a legend.




Liberty says...


Thanks for the review!



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Wed Mar 18, 2020 2:21 pm
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Magebird wrote a review...



Hey there, Hedwiggle! I'm back again for another review - and it looks like I'm the first person to leave one!

“If I trip over one more root, I’ll die -” he was interrupted by Akol who stuck out his leg, making him trip. Will’s feet tangled beneath him and he fell face first into the dirt. “Ow.”


Akol no.

"What the hell was that for?" he glared at the devil, who was a few feet away, waiting for the other two to get up. Dashingly, Akol smiled, showing off his pearly white fangs. "He's a buffoon." Will told Audrey.


It's not exactly a grammar rule, but it's probably a good idea to move the buffoon line into its own separate paragraph.

(You also need to put a comma instead of a period at the end of that comment, and need to capitalize the first "he" because it's not a dialogue tag.)

Nitpicks aside, there's something funny about using any phrase like that one towards a devil! It's irony at its finest. :)

The three of them started again on the track, Akol doing a few annoying pranks along the way.


Random fun fact: I'm not entirely sure what the context is, but I'm pretty sure Marvel's Loki is called Ikol at some point. I couldn't help but think of him when I saw Akol pulling pranks!

The scene was wondrous. There was the beautifully colored sky and tall, lifeless trees on the horizon. At that moment, a flock of foreign looking birds flew above the trees. Farther away, mountains stood tall. Her eyes frozen on the sight, she held up her hands and snapped another picture.

"It's much more beautiful when the Ditch is alive." Akol said quietly. Will was beside him, gaping at the same thing Audrey was. Audrey turned to look at Akol.

"What do you mean?" she breathed. "This is beautiful."


This is a really cool part. The reader isn't expecting much from the Ditch, so they're just as surprised - and awed - as Audrey is by what is being described. Whatever they were expecting, it's something much better. Akol remarking that it was more beautiful when the ditch was alive takes both Audrey and the reader by surprise. It really works well with the theme of demons being good...

"The angels attacked." Akol said.


...and angels being bad, which would be an awesome twist if I hadn't read about it in your Writer's Corner thread!

Audrey clicked on the data icon, clicked yes when the phone double checked with her whether or not she wanted to use data or not, and searched up 'myths and legends about devils' on Google. It worked. Will was looking over her shoulder.


It's personal preference again, but you might want to move that last sentence into its own paragraph. From my own writing experience, paragraphs are good for related actions - that paragraph is mostly about Audrey using her data and phone, so Will suddenly being mentioned in it breaks the flow.

Also, apparently there is data in the Ditch!

Akol, as fast as lightning, turned around and held an attack pose, ready to strike when necessary. There was a bow and arrow in his hands. “Behind me. Now.” his voice was low. When neither Will nor Audrey moved, he looked up at them and his body started growing again.


The "h" of the "his" after the dialogue should be capitalized, since it's not part of the dialogue tag. Aside from that, I really love how quick Akol is to protect the two of them. I get that it's kind of his job right now, but it's just...cute.

“Ew.” Audrey scrunched up her nose. “He’s a literal devil. His horns and tail and his horrifyingly muscular body…”


Audrey, don't be mean! Akol's not judging you for not having horns or a tail.

Will flinched when Audrey said that last part. There was something else in her voice, other than disgust.


...Maybe that muscular body isn't so horrific, after all. :P

Akol spoke up, his voice as low as low could go. “Emoce tuo. I ma Retsam fo eht Hctid. Wohs flesrouy, won.”


Is it a magic spell? The demon language? Whatever it is, I'm excited for it!

She had long silky white hair that flowed down to her feet, her face was clear of flaws, she had bright eyes the color of the moon, and there was an unearthly glow coming from her. Something that almost made Audrey pass out was her wings. They were made of feathers and it looked like there were pearls decorating it, but when Audrey looked closer, there were no pearls on either wing.


...Something tells me she's not a really pretty demon.

Akol straightened up, and he slowly changed back into his original form. “Obraya.” he snarled.

“Akolxohez.” Obraya smiled, and it seemed as if the whole world lit up.

“Stop.” Akol growled.


Why do I feel like these two have some kind of angsty past together?

“I have to kill two specific people.” Obraya smiled again, the corner of her eyes crinkling.


Oh no.

Audrey screamed and Will clamped her mouth shut. Audrey bit his hand away and Will winced in pain. Audrey marched up to Akol and punched him. “You just killed her!” she yelled.


I love how much spunk Audrey has, and I feel sorry for Will's poor hand. :P

“There ya go. She has one life left.” Akol explained.

“But you still murdered her!” Audrey exclaimed, horrified.


Don't worry, Audrey! It's not murder if she's not really dead.

Audrey tried to retort but when she tried to open her mouth, it wouldn’t budge. Neither did Will’s. So they held each other’s hand, and followed Akol out of the dark forest.


So Akol must have used magic to keep them quiet, then.

All in all, great job with this chapter! There's a few grammatical errors here and there, but they don't take long to fix. Besides that, I really couldn't find any problems.

I'm curious to see where Akol is taking them - is it his home? Some horrible massacre site? Just some fun place where demons chill on the weekends? Whatever it is, I can't wait to see what you have in store!




Liberty says...


Thanks for the review! I'm very grateful for the little nitpicks - I'm honestly not the best when it comes to paragraphing and dialogue tags. Also:
Also, apparently there is data in the Ditch!

Maaagiiiiiic. xD




The function of education is to teach one to think intensively and to think critically. Intelligence plus character - that is the goal of true education.
— Martin Luther King, Jr.