A Painter & Writer's Magic [Chapter 16]

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

And the last one for the day. This is about all I have the power to do.

First Impression: And it looks like more complications are about to head our way. Nice twist there.

Anyway getting right to it,

Four alicorns started trotting into the clearing, their sparkling manes and tails swishing. Will, who still wasn’t feeling his best but said he was just for the sake of it, perked up because of the sudden joy that blossomed in his chest. It was the alicorns.

Audrey pulled her husband closer, feeling a tightening in her chest. Jealously, maybe.

That sounded ridiculous.

“Where are we going?” she asked. “We haven’t exactly discussed the details.”

Jello has a silver sorta glow. It sounded like Obraya’s voice. Audrey looked around. “Where…?”

I’m talkin’ to ya telepathi’ally. And yeah, it’s me, ‘braya.

Don’t go, Audrey, please. Wait for me.

“Nice to meet you as well.” His voice was harsh. “Beautiful afternoon, isn’t it?” He spread his arms around, gesturing towards everything.

“Who are you?” Audrey demanded.

The man smiled, and Audrey felt like she was about to faint.

He was an angel that was for sure.

“Herschel,” he said, not smiling anymore.

And everything went black.

Hello Liberty!

I am here with with late review. I like that you keep your chapters short because it's easier to review and also you always present it in an interesting manner. Okay so moving on with the chapter.

Obraya giggled and took Zoya’s hand, guiding her towards the shortest alicorn. “They feel like plush toys, 'kay? And the name o' the one I’m puttin' you on is Wish.”

Will winced when Obraya flinched at the pain that shot up her arm. Audrey pulled her husband closer, feeling a tightening in her chest. Jealousy, maybe.

She held tight onto Wish’s mane - life was too precious. She had to come back to Ujalaa and her brother in one piece.

Zoya looked behind her. “He was there a second ago…” she said, trailing off.

“It’s still worth it if I go check!” Audrey retorted. Snicker reared up, letting out a neigh.
Don’t go, Audrey, please. Wait for me.

Hey, I'll just be writing a short review for this one.

I'm only going to be talking about Zoya and the ending of the chapter.

I was just grinning so hard throughout the parts where Zoya did silly things.

for one horrifying second, she wished she had fallen in love with anyone.

“I don’t like this.” Zoya said, putting her hands on what felt like the alicorn’s neck. “Gosh, this is so weird. It’s like I’m sitting on something I can’t even see.”

“I mean, that’s supposed to be how you feel if you can’t see 'em.” Obraya pointed out.

Hi, Libs! This is long so I'll just get straight into it =)

It was afternoon when everything was packed up. Obraya had magicked the couples’ messenger bag so that it would be able to carry many more things. Zoya even shrunk the tent so it wouldn’t be bothersome to build again.

So, to start off, your sentences are short and rather bland, but it is an interesting start, nonetheless.

Once outside, everyone gathered around the ashen campfire. Obraya told them all to stay quiet. She whistled once, twice, and once more. “The alicorns should be on their way now,” she said under her breath. Only Zoya heard. She shivered. Riding animals that she couldn’t even see was going to be terrifying and for one horrifying second, she wished she had fallen in love with anyone.

What a DILEMMA, Zoya XD. But, again with the short sentences. It may be your style but the words you're using don’t clash well and the flow is whack.

“Um, can someone guide me to these?” Zoya said, reaching her hand out cautiously.

Hmm, alicorns are an interesting concept. Just imagine if Will couldn't see them, that would be awful for Audrey. Random, I know, but my first thought. Also, “cautiously reaching out her hand” flows better.

Zoya looked down, eyes wide in horror. “I’m floating.”

Hmm, she can’t feel the unicorn under her? It wouldn’t feel like floating. Why doesn’t she just magic paint on the alicorn so she can see it, or put a towel over his back? Ugh, sorry, I just dislike horses. Sorry, Libs, I know you love them but I have a good reason. I’ll tell you if you ask but this is a review, not a storytime.



“I guess.” Obraya looked down at Wish who let out a soft nicker.

Comma after I guess, Libs. You need to use commas after a lot of these next few quotations, but I won’t harp on. Get it, because angels… harps. No?

“I mean, that’s supposed to be how you feel if you can’t see 'em.” Obraya pointed out.

I’m not sure if Obraya is a double agent or what, I like her!

“Okay, well, the rest of you get on so we can get this over with.” Wish whinnied, flicking her mane to the other side. Zoya shrieked, making the three adults laugh.

Obraya gestured for the couple to get on to the other alicorns. She took the messenger bag from Will and slung it over her shoulder. Will winced when Obraya flinched at the pain that shot up her arm. Audrey pulled her husband closer, feeling a tightening in her chest. Jealously, maybe.

Alright, I’m going to rewrite this for you in a way that I feel would be more flowy.
Gesturing for the couple to get on the other alicorns, Obraya took the messenger bag from Will and slung it over her shoulder. Will winced as Obraya flinched from a pain that seemed to shoot up her arm, but Audrey pulled her husband closer, winding her arm around him as her chest tightened.

Jealousy, maybe?


Not perfect but more variation and a more readable thing, don’t you agree?
That sounded ridiculous.

I was about to say “So a MOTHER cannot hold her new-born baby???” but then I realized I should stop being so nitpicky with the reality aspects and that for some reason, Will and Audrey are being stalked by Akol and Obraya.

There was another alicorn grazing on the few grasses left -he had a soft golden glow to him. Audrey was compelled to him so she stroked his mane before she mounted. Obraya told her his name was Snicker.

Yet again, these sentences feel short and stubby and making them longer would flow like some bride’s wedding dress.

Sweztyn was blazing hot and bright, beating down on the group. They could see plains in the distance and little houses dotting the area. Behind that, were tall, snow-capped mountains.

Plains in the distance? Do you mean those ground ioms or planes? If plains, down below may make more sense.

All anyone could think of was not getting sunburnt, so they shielded their faces with their hands. Zoya didn’t care though. She held tight onto Wish’s mane - life was too precious. She had to come back to Ujalaa and her brother in one piece.

Again with the short sentences, Libber.[/b]

Audrey steered Snicker towards the Angel. Will watched, but didn’t move Jello anywhere, he continued on, flapping his grand wings up and down, up and down. “That’s… hyp… no… ti…” And he dozed off.

Wait, he just dozed off, in the air… On a UNICORN?

“Where are we going?” she asked. “We haven’t exactly discussed the details.”

One thing I want to mention is maybe not putting this under supernatural. Supernatural is scary and unicorns, well, they aren’t. Fantasy may be a better option, or even action, but supernatural isn’t too much of a fit for this novel.

“I know what a portal as, but where does it lead?”

Is, not. She isn’t being very “aud”able. I know, how dare I have the “aud”acity to say that… Haha, I’ll stop. I’m sorry.

Obraya nodded slowly. “Alrigh', we’ll still have to get to The Portal then.”

Again, she has a Hagrid like voice and these feel like a mix of Thestrals and Hippogriffs. Watch out, you could always give her a stutter or an overly posh voice. Heck, not everyone has the same dialect, give her an English accent, or an Australian or Polish. Whatever suits her.

Obraya didn’t reply, but urged Suki to fly farther. If Obraya tilted her head just the right way, she could make out a sparkling bluish purplish glow from another clearing. It was The Portal. They were so close.

Suki is the only remotely norml name for these alicorns. Who named them, and were they having a sugar rush? Who am I to judge? I have a dog named Elf and a cat named Donut.

Fun fact, Donut is short for Donovan and Elf is short for Alfred Leo, but I only call him Elf because it suits him better. Okay, back to the review.

Realization dawned on Zoya’s face. If Herschel hurt Obraya that badly, then the answer to Herschel’s reasonability was easy: he wasn’t at all.

Whose point of view are you on. It seems that you’re not particularly on one, just filtering around. Having some sort of pattern may make it easier, Bibs.

Zoya looked behind her. “He was there a second ago…” she said, trailing off. She held onto Wish’s outline of a mane and turned him around. She looked around. Then she called for Obraya. She turned around as well. The girls were in the air, looking around for Will. He was nowhere to be seen.

This is flat, Bibs. They looked around, it’s very 2-d and I KNOW you can do better. I won’t rewrite it but use some description!
Panic rose in Audrey’s chest.

Not all feelings ise in the chest, you seem to have that as a default emotional thing. Maybe, she felt a pit in her stomach. Descriptive and doesn’t say exactly how he felt, but gives us a more relatable insight.

I’m talkin’ to ya telepathi’ally. And yeah, it’s me, ‘braya.

First of all, the heck? Ooh, that’s really cool. Second, you started the sentence with an and, so Spandex Man should come back. But I won’t do that to you.

“Will could be there. He needs me,” she snapped, gaining control over Snicker again. “Stop it, Snicker. Let’s go down there. Quick.” Snicker neighed again, trying to fly away. “Hurry!”

That feels rather clingy, Audrey, also, this doesn’t flow incredibly well. He’s been gone a minute, he could just be going lower, but then again, it’s not unreasonable behavior, maybe just too panicky too fast.

The man… He was too tall, he had a beard, and he most definitely was not her husband. Audrey stepped back. She hated to admit it, but he was gorgeous. “Who… who are you?” she asked.

Oh god I got shivers, nope nope nope.

“Who are you?” Audrey demanded.

Audrey is very brave, but maybe put that her voice wavered a bit or something?

And everything went black.

Oh gosh hurry up and post the next chapter!


OVERALL:

I love this, this is awesome, keep writing and hurry. I’ve expressed all my thoughts and put in a few puns and I hope I helped!

Hey!!!

Okay, so, :OOO. We meet Herschel! First off, I do want to say that the name Herschel is both extremely haunting but also carries this sweetness to it because it reminds me of Hershey’s hahah.

I really like how Audrey defies Obraya, because it’s giving us a snippet of her character flaws, in a frustrating, but completely realistic way. She’s acting out of her instant feelings—she needs to find Will—instead of taking a step back and reflecting on the situation. One thing I think could be interesting is if Audrey thinks, “omg, Will is missing... maybe Obraya did something” and this (along with her emotions) is what fuels her to the red light. It could also set up a really nice forgiving/apology scene down the line, especially if Obraya truly is on their side! However, all in all, I REALLY enjoyed that last scene where Audrey is begging her alicorn to go down.

I have a little bit of an inkling that Herschel is holding sleepy Will hostage and maybe will do a classic exchange?? Who knows. Still, I’m really curious about what’s up with Will!

I’m talkin’ to ya telepathi’ally. And yeah, it’s me, ‘braya.