z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Jilly (1)

by Lib


A/N: I'm just suggesting this: Once you come to the part where the wedding starts, just to match the mood, you can turn on some wedding music.

~

"Mum, how much more longer till we reach the wedding?" I say.

"Just five more minutes, dear." mum replies.

Me and mum have been driving to my cousins wedding for twenty-five minutes, and my whole body is going numb! Even my eyes! Okay, not my eyes. But you know what I mean. 

"We're here, Jilly!" mum exclaims.

"Finally." I groan. I grab my purse and open the door so I can get out of our Toyota. I even named our car! Her name is Madam Toyota. It suits her so well!

As we enter the church the smell of cake hits me square in the face. Yum. I love cake. Like, who doesn't? My mom. She doesn't like cake, at all. Anyways, I ask mum if I can go meet Delilah, the bride. She nods yes and starts getting surrounded by a bunch of people. You may be wondering why. It's because she used to be a world famous celebrity. Used to. She's just a divorced mother now who works in a library.

"Delilah!" I shout over the church bells. 

"Jilly! My favorite cousin!" that's a joke between the two of us, being each others 'favorite'. We're the only cousins in our entire family. "I'm so glad to see you!" 

We both embrace in a warm hug. She smells like perfume, the Clive Christian one to be exact. That perfume cost a lot of money! Like, I think, two thousand dollars!

"The wedding will start any minute now! Run off! Get a seat before you have to stand for two hours!" Delilah playfully scolds. 

"Okay, okay." I say and run to my reserved spot. Delilah is awesome, I'm gonna be so sad when she gets married. Hopefully she doesn't forget about me. I settle down on my seat and wait for the bride and groom to come. The groom is already up front waiting for his wife-to-be. 

Music starts playing and Delilah enters the church from the front doors. Everyone turns around and gasps. I can't help but gasp myself, she looks stunning. She has the most beautiful white wedding dress on and her make-up and golden brown hair looks like it's been done by a professional. Her veil looks so nice! It's a net one, and has real pearls on it. 

The bride gets up to the front and the priest starts blabbing whatever he's supposed to say. 

I over hear a boy whispering to his mum. "Mummy?" the boy says. 

"Yes dear?" the mum says.

"Why does the woman have a white dress on?" he asks.

"Because, it's the happiest day of her life!" she whisper-exclaims.

"Oh, well, why is the man wearing black, then?" he asks looking up at his mother. The mum looks down at him and smiles, "Hush, child, we'll talk after." 

I can feel the laughter start bubbling up inside me. Mum looks at me suspiciously. She can always tell when I'm about to laugh. 

I start laughing and laughing. When I start to laugh t takes a while for me to stop. Everyone in the church turns their head to look at me. I continue laughing. "Oh man," I start once I calm down. "Kiddo, you sure made me laugh my head off!" I turn to look at the boy who was whispering to his mum. He smiles innocently.


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Wed Apr 03, 2019 3:42 pm
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4revgreen wrote a review...



I saw you posted a part four to this and I realise I hadn't read the other three parts so here I am!

I liked this! It was funny- Jilly is a really great character and her personality really came across throughout this piece. The dialogue was pretty realistic too.

I would have liked a little more description in places, about the scene and what was going on around them, what the place looked like ect. It moved at quite a fast pace which can be good, but it's okay to slow down and examine one specific moment sometimes!!

I look forward to reading the next parts. Expect more reviews from me today!! :-)




Lib says...


Thanks for the advice! <3 I'll keep the slowing down, and getting faster, and description thing in mind. :elephant: :D



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Thu Mar 28, 2019 8:56 pm
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Horisun wrote a review...



Hi there, Liberty500! Nice short story!
There isn't much I'd like to point out, other then When she said, "She's just a divorced mother now who works in the library" This is personal opinion, but I'd put now at the start of the sentence.
Also, I feel like there's no anticipation for the wedding to start. It'd be nice if you added something about Jilly trying to be patient. That would add a lot.

Keep on writing!




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Sun Feb 10, 2019 8:09 pm
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Gnomish wrote a review...



A couple things to say...

First of all, "She's just a divorced mother now who works in a library now." You don't need to say the "now" after "mother", because you say it at the end. Taking that out would help make the story run smoother. At the end, when "you" talk after laughing it sounds like you are talking out loud. I'm not sure whether that was meant to be just for the boy, in which case you might want to say whisper.

Another thing, I'm not sure what the point of the story was exactly. Does it have another part that hasn't come out yet?

That's all, other than that, great story!
-Gnomish




Lib says...


The second part of the story isn't out yet. I'm working on another story currently, so I'm gonna finish that then move onto this. And this story is just meant to be a comedy. No real action or suspense in it. :) Thanks for the review.



Gnomish says...


Okay, that makes more sense!



Lib says...


XD



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Fri Feb 01, 2019 2:12 am
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Shady wrote a review...



Hey Liberty!

Shady here with a review for you this fine evening! My style tends to be making comments as I read about anything that stands out to me -- positive or negative! -- and then giving a general summary of my thoughts at the end. Let's get started...

"Mum, how much more longer till we reach the wedding?" I says.

"Just five more minutes, dear." mum replies.

Me and mum have been driving to my cousins wedding for twenty-five minutes, and my whole body is going numb! Even my eyes! Okay, not my eyes. But you know what I mean.

"We're here, Jilly!" mum exclaims.

"Finally." I groan.


So watch your dialogue tags, which are the bits that come after your talking parts here. The "I says", "mum replies", "mum exclaims" etc. I know a lot of advice you read online warns against using the word "said" in your dialogue tags, but honestly, said is your friend.

Said kind of blends into the background of your reader's mind when they're reading along. So your brain kind of glances over "mum said" and recognizes that oh, okay, this is mum speaking -- but really doesn't put a lot of effort into thinking about it. When you have other descriptors instead, like "groan" or "exclaim" or "says" -- your brain stops a second to interpret what those mean.

So while it's not a huge deal if you use other words, it does slow down the brain and makes for a more difficult read, so you should use them sparingly -- that way when you have something you really want to stand out, inflection wise, the reader is more likely to notice if you use a word other than "said" and then know it's time for them to be paying attention.

"The wedding will start any minute now!


I don't quite understand this part, honestly... have you ever been to a wedding? I mean I know people probably do things differently, depending on preferences -- but IN GENERAL, no one but the bridal party is supposed to see the bride before the wedding. The guests are all supposed to be seated, and then she makes her big entrance and it's dramatic etc. etc. so I am really confused why a child would be allowed to go find the bride? And why there is a big group of people around the bride?? Generally right before the wedding, the bride should be hiding somewhere waiting.

"Hahahahahahahaha" I start laughing.


Okay, so, not to be harsh -- but generally when you type out the "haha" in your dialogue when you're writing, it comes across as being pretty tacky. Not to mention redundant, since literally your next statement is to say that you started laughing.

~ ~ ~

Okay!

I think this was a good story! You definitely have a humorous edge to it. Poor Jill, embarrassing herself and her mom at the wedding. But that little boy has a good point ;) That's an adorably innocent moment and I think you did a really good job at capturing it.

Great job! Keep writing!

~Shady 8)




Lib says...


Thanks for the review!



Shady says...


Sure thing!



Lib says...


Oh, and it's not the bride getting surrounded by a crowd, it Jilly's mom. :)
And, I've never been to a wedding, in my life except for when I was a toddler, but I can't really remember that.



Shady says...


That makes sense! You did a great job explaining things considering you've never been to one (that you can remember)!



Lib says...


:D



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Fri Feb 01, 2019 1:28 am
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Holysocks wrote a review...



Hey Liberty500! I thought I'd stop by to give you a review! C:

This is a cute story! I like how sort of spirited Jilly is- she's definitely a delightful character to read about. Everything about her is so fun and energetic- but not in the exhausting way, ya'know?

I even named our car! Her name is Madam Toyota.


This was definitely funny! But it was kind of a random thing to say in that sort of situation- the only connection ways that they were getting out of the car. I think something like this may have worked a little better if it had been during the description of the car or something along those lines! c:

Isn't it just the best name ever?


I don't really know why, but for some reason I'm not super fond when in stories, the fourth wall is broken. The fourth wall is sort of the thing that separates the reader's world from the character's world! When the fourth wall is broken (often by questions posed to the readers from the characters or narrators directly, or when a character points out something like compromising their sort of... idea that that world they're in is real, and mentioning something about them not being real or something- that was explained poorly, but hopefully you get what I mean!)-- when the fourth wall is broken, I get this weird feeling like I'm exposed- like suddenly I'm being asked to interact with the characters and story in a way that I'm not interested in. I think the reason may be because when I read a story, it's because I want to sort of escape into a different reality- I don't want to think about my reality. So when a character sorta tries to interact with my reality, it just feels odd. I hope that makes sense! C: In any case, those are just my thoughts!

I can't help but gasp myself, she looks stunning.


I felt like there wasn't enough of a break between Jilly seeing Delilah, and then the wedding happening, where Jilly is surprised and sorta in awe of how beautiful Delilah looks. Like, the bride usually is getting ready a looooong time before the wedding- usually they get their hair done, their makeup done, and then they have to get into all that white ruffly material- which is no easy task! It takes awhile, so it didn't really make sense to me when there's no mention of how Delilah looks when Jilly first sees her, but then suddenly Delilah is all done up and stunning only a few minutes later. I just thought I'd mention this, in case you hadn't noticed yourself! :D

Everyone in the church turns their head to look at me.


Oh. My. Goodness. I would be absolutely BEET red after that! I think I would have been so embarrassed from everyone in the whole church getting interrupted by that! I guess this is a good example of why I love Jilly- she's so easy-going and care free! She reminds me a lot of my best friend I had growing up!

Something I also noticed was that I remember hearing that joke before, about the bride wearing white on her wedding because it's the happiest day of her life, and then the little kid wondering why the groom then wears white. ;) I kinda felt a little cheated by the joke, in a way! I think it's a hilarious joke, but I came here wanting to read your jokes! If that makes sense! :D

In any case, I thought this was a lovely story! I hope you keep this up!

-Holysocks




Lib says...


I have never actually been to any marriage in my life so I kind of imagined it all.



Holysocks says...


That's fine! C: I hadn't been to a wedding until last spring! You did an awesome job imagining it! :D



Lib says...


Thank you!




When you cut pieces out of the truth to avoid looking like a fool, you end up looking like a moron instead.
— Robin Hobb