Hey, hi, hello! So, I'm going to start by saying that this work wasn't in the least "bad", I really enjoyed it! But I will be doing a whole lot of nitpicking and whatnot here, so just know that everything I point out is either a minor or intermediate problem, that is to say, none of this is major or story-breaking in any way.
That said, I will also apologize in advance for any hints of mean-spirited sarcasm or otherwise uncalled for aggression you detect throughout this review. I've been trying to deliver things in a kinder tone, but I will occasionally slip back into old habits and I thought it was only fair to warn you about that tendency.
We'll start with your intro, "A sixty-year-old man was sitting with his forty-five-year-old son on a couch that he had ever since his son was born. A crow has perched on the window sill and the old man noticed it. "
My first instinct here was to check their ages, since I already had my calculator out from doing that very thing with my characters (I found a rather nonsensical gap of nineteen years between Briar and Carlson, which, given the backstory I set up for them, would have caused a few continuity errors later on). When I did that I came up with a fifteen-year age difference between this father/son duo. Because that would mean that the father was fifteen when his son was born, the only explanations I can come up with is either 1) the father was a VERY disobedient fifteen-year-old who fathered a child at that age, 2) the father adopted a five or six year old in his early twenties because he wanted a kid but he didn't want an infant, or 3) same as two but this time it's because he just fell in love with this particular child.
If you don't want to change the ages, then maybe it would be best to imply one of those explanations. you don't have to, of course, it just kinda stood out to me specifically because I almost made the same mistake in my own work. (I'm just glad I had to age-check for chapter eight, else I would have had a bit of a problem on my hands).
Another thing about your introduction (I know, I linger a lot) is the lack of a hook. With a story this short, the hook ought to be in the first couple of lines at most and it's just...not there. The father and son are sitting on a couch, I'm sorry, an old couch when the father notices a crow on the windowsill. That's what happens in the first paragraph. Now, it is possible for you to not change that and also make the readers want to keep reading for reasons other than it's a review site and that's why we're here. The first way is to add some characterization into the opening. Maybe have the son repeatedly refreshing a page on his phone to demonstrate the impatience that comes into play when the father asks him what's in the window. Or maybe have the old man already reading form the journal to foreshadow the ending (don't forget to cut out the part where he gets up to retrieve it if you decide to do that).
Or, if doing that is something you, for whatever reason, don't want to do, then maybe some heavier description would serve you well here. Describe the couch. Instead of saying that it had been around since the son was born, describe the age-worn surface of the cloth, leather, or whatever else it's made of. Have the son absently run his finger up and down a rip in the side where the long-dead cat had scratched it up? Show me the old man's eyes as they fill with nostalgia when he looks down at the marker stains on the arms of the couch. Or describe the day, how the air is musty and dry with heat. How the sunlight streams through the window, only to be suddenly blocked by the blackbird as land there.
Anyway, I think I've dwelled long enough in the first paragraph, so I'll move on.
"Then, the old man repeated his question."
This part I don't have to talk so much about. I just think it would work better as its own paragraph. The only reason I can give it that it's more dramatic, and I'm a sucker for drama.
Onward!
""It's a crow! I've told you four times already! Do you not understand!?" The son yelled, suddenly getting up and scowling."
Maybe it's just a 'my-mom-works-with-old-people' thing, but I'm slightly off-put by the fact that the son doesn't even consider the possibility that his aging father might be getting early-onset dementia or something of the sort. Again, it could just a be a me thing. I mean, not everyone immediately thinks of dimension the moment anyone over fifty forgets something they shouldn't. I just figured that I should point it out anyway because it can be pretty useful to know what stands out to your readers, and this stood out.
But I'll move on.
"The old man smiled and got up. He walked to his room and took out an old diary in which he always noted all the stuff his son did as he grew up."
I would leave the contents of the diary to be explained through dialogue rather than just simply stating it in the narrative. Have the son ask what it is, then have the father explain. I just think that makes more sense than just having it stated plain and simple.
Anyway, that's all I have for now.
Goodbye and happy writing!
Points: 999
Reviews: 95
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