Fallen corpses
stacked atop one another
glazing the sidewalk in brown
the annual genocide begins.
I beheld their birth in spring,
knew them well in summer,
Now Persephone takes them with her.
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Canary word: Present
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125,022 Literary Works • 672,747 Reviews
Wow! Um..Ok. That was not what I expected from your title. I don't really understand what you mean by the annual genocide. Do you mean to say that the leaves are dying? If so I would make the line above it more clear. Instead of saying "glazing the sidewalk in brown" maybe you could say "blanketing the sidewalk in a mirage of red and brown". That to me says fall. I love the greek history namedrop. Instead of saying beheld I would say watched them grow in spring.
Wow! Um..Ok. That was not what I expected from your title. I don't really understand what you mean by the annual genocide. Do you mean to say that the leaves are dying? If so I would make the line above it more clear. Instead of saying "glazing the sidewalk in brown" maybe you could say "blanketing the sidewalk in a mirage of red and brown". That to me says fall. I love the greek history namedrop. Instead of saying beheld I would say watched them grow in spring.
Fall is a nice name for the poem and it is completely different from what i expected from it.Your poem convey about genocide and that made me the poem a little bit interesting because i am learning historical episodes happened in the past.Something that put interest in your poem is that you want to say about some great events that happened in the past ,about the life of some people but you never finished it.try to extend this poem so that it may be interesting for us in reading.Overall this poem given me a little bit surprise and if the things you want to convey are real episode like the nazi genocide or things happened in various nation between 19th and 20th century ,please let me know
leaves... they're leaves
Hello there Lettersnumbersonly, Luata here for a review. First off, I must say, woah. That was not what I was expecting at all based on the title and it was a pleasant surprise.
The new look at fall is an interesting one, and one I feel like you should elaborate upon, although the abrupt shortness of the piece does lend itself to the meaning well, all up until the last line.
"but now a cruel reminder is all they are"
Of course, I am not the author and therefore unable to tell you the exact meaning of the poem, since that is something only you can do, but this line confuses me as a reader. Up until here I do believe that I can discern your point, but what exactly is it a cruel reminder of? Clarifying that point with an extra line or maybe a change of wording would make this poem tip top.
The only other nitpick I have is the punctuation you chose to use, it is a bit bothersome to me, but I am no expert, so I wouldn't take this suggestion all that seriously, unless of course, you want to.
It was an interesting and refreshing work! I look forward to seeing more of these works in the green room!
Write on
~Luata