Something I wrote when some significant happened to me recently.
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He will not have me. He says he does, but he’s a bad liar. You can tell he’s lying when he doesn’t make eye contact, those luminous blue eyes unseen by me. I wish he would take me as his, but no, he has eyes only for her. That girl right beside me. The once who’s a little more outgoing than I am, a little more comfortable with guys, the one who isn’t too cowardly not to curse. The one who’s better than me by just that much. And it so happens she’s also the one who is already taken. Can’t he see he has no chance with her?
I cannot see how he will not love me instead, the one who is truly interested. Look at her, thin and perfect with her desirable flowing, red hair, but aren’t I equally as wonderful—or better—with my thick, silky brown hair and the blemish-free complexion that is enviable by many other girls? No, apparently not. According to him.
I’m not selfish. I’m really far from being selfish, but I long for the day when a guy will love me better than that girl over there, and perhaps I’ll be their true love. My only question is: Why can’t I be his? I’m the one that takes interest in his hobbies, I’m the one that tries and learns new things from him, and I’m the one that’s kinder to him. I’m the single girl, but he prefers the taken girl.
He must come to sense soon or else I shall reveal the harsh truth to him. It hurts too much to see him every day, to endure the painful ache of my lovesick heart as I watch him worship the girl right there. Right there beside me. So, tomorrow, I’m going to tell him the three most important rules about love. All boys and men, no matter his age, should know and abide by these three simple rules:
1) Never ever flirt in simple fun. You never know if the girl might fall for you or not.
2) It is useless to have feelings for a girl who already is happily boyfriend-ed.
3) Have you ever considered the other girl?
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140,561 Literary Works • 673,435 Reviews
Hey there Lavender!
My general impression of this story is that... I don't think this is even a story. I mean, the main character isn't yet developed very well or to say that I don't fell connected with her. The plot and the length is too short for us to understand the situation. Yeah, you have this "I-like-you-but-you-chose-the-wrong-girl" concept, but are you just trying to imply to your readers the three simple rules? There's no depth to it, and I don't feel the "sympathy" to your character since she's just basically or technically complaining (or talking) about her crush who likes someone else who she thinks he doesn't deserve.
So with that being said, all you have here is just a plain crust, with only tomato sauce on it. So where are the cheeses, hams, pineapples, peppers and some spices? Personally, this is all to blurry for me to crave for more. Add some flavor or just simply spice this up. Add some "thrill", because honestly, I don't see this a story.
Grammar wise, the mistakes that I've noticed have been corrected already. So, your verb consistency and spellings are all good. However, putting some dialogs in here might make this realistic. I also want say that you need to introduce well your main character to your readers, especially that this piece is based on first person's point of view.
So all in all, this isn't really enough. You might want to make this longer, but not too long and don't write info-dumps, they just make your readers get bored into the story. Just put in some depth like what I've said earlier. But I know this has potential, so just keep this up. Hope I helped and PM me for questions.
Keep writing and peace out,
Yuri
This is really good =). I know lots of people who feel this way, you can deffinatly add on to this and create somthing longer and more in depth(ie, a novel).
your a really great writer it sounds perfect except for the few things people arleady pointed out =)
wow really good writing, i loved the description and vocabulary you used.
i dont think this sentence really makes sense i think you might of meant somethhing else.i think you meant the one
the sentence would flow more if you had it as is already happily boyfriend-ed
thats all, keep up the writing
Hello! LittlePrincess here for a review..
I think you mean "he says he will" because otherwise I wonder, does what? You could say "he does not love me. He says he does," etc.I think you mean One not Once
I would say, take out the "tom him" to make the sentence flow better.
Otherwise, nice write! It's very true and I have experienced the same thing, wish I had this to show him.
Wow, this is beautiful. Really, no edits. I love it!
Keep Writing!
Nike