EDITED: It's still not that good, and that's why I'm posted the second version of it. The original is the "spoiler".
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I’ve always wondered what touching a cloud would be like. When I was little, I had fantasies of living up in the clouds. I would tell my mother: “When I grow up, I’m going to live in a giant white mansion on the biggest and highest cloud ever!” She would smile slightly and pat my head, oblivious to my eyes that would well up with tears of hurt. Then she’d walk stiffly away in her newly-ironed cream-coloured trousers, to call a friend who’s more interesting, to send e-mails off to her clients.
My favourite pastime was lying in the backyard, the scratchy yellow grass lightly touching my back, and gazing up at the white cotton clouds above me. I would see pictures in them, and once I thought I saw the rugged, smiling face of my father, but when I grew older I knew it was wishful thinking.
When thunderstorms came, I’d ignore my self-obsessed mother and lie in the rain that pounded onto Earth. Everything would drop from my mind except for the clouds’ gloomy faces. I wouldn’t even flinch when lightning cracked nearby. It was just me and the clouds.
Now staring at a grey-speckled ceiling, I was anywhere but in the sky floating along with my friends. A monitor was beside me, and I watched the red line move up and down. Suddenly, I seemed to lose my breath for a second and the red line skyrocketed on the screen, proof the surgery hadn’t gone well. I didn’t see it come back down for my eyes had already drooped closed.
*
I don’t believe in heaven, I’m going to be a cloud. Floating by, watching the world run its course, unaware of its loss—me. The one who made a tiny difference to the world, even minute, the one who didn’t have anyone beside her when she passed.
And then, overwhelmed by the evils inside my body, my heart beats one last time.
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140,561 Literary Works • 673,435 Reviews
Hey,
I loved this in more ways than you can imagine. I thought it was very original and when she died I was taken back. It was very short but very captivating. I think you have done a truly superb job here and deserves the highest congratulations possible. Well done.
~Retro Disco666
Review on your edited version:
The edited version was in many ways better than the original. You gave more life, more feeling and more thoughts to your character which I thought was missing in the previous one. So, i guess that's about it!
Well done on the edited one!
x
It was very cute, kind of sad and just really good. It expressed what a little child would think when they were young and how they still felt as they got older. I like that the protaganist doesn't believe in heaven, but believes that they are going to be a cloud
Still very good (:
LIke, like, like.
I really liked the way you began this:
It implies innocence, the thinking of a child who hasn't faced the harsh truths of..life I guess. The fact that you described the mother as a "self-obssessed" person who doesn't consider her child as her first priority helped to understand why you'd be asking that question about touching a cloud, instead of drawing or painting as most children would have been busy doing.
This piece really touched my heart, especially since it was written in a way that makes the reader pity the poor child. However, I must admit that the last line didn't quite appeal to me.
I think you could expand upon it as you've already said you would. Not upon the last line but you know, adding a few thoughts and feelings before it would be more effective.
I guess that's about it. Loved it & keep it up!
x
I really did like this. But i think you might have said cloud abit too many times. Other than that it was a very good piece.
I've always been fasinated in clouds, i reckon the best ones are when they are really black and there is a storm. They look cool.
Keep Writing!
Born
Thanks all. I'm going to edit it fairly soon, perhaps expand on it
Lavvie
Hey
I like this a lot. You say a lot in a few words without just stating facts. There are a few small things I would maybe adjust to iron it out:
This should be a really good opening line but it doesn't feel quite right. I think it's because "thought of" doesn't make that much sense in this context - you can't be perpetually thinking about one thing. If you said "wondered" or "thought about" it might work better.
Seems to me this is maybe straying into telling instead of showing the mother's character. To be honest I'm not sure you need the "a bigger priority than her only child" part on the end. The action of patting the child's head and then moving on without really listening hints at that enough already.
The way you've phrased this it sounds like "examining the clouds" is another thing she's ignorant of, if that makes any sense. Well, it doesn't really, but that's why I would recommend having "My favourite pastime was lying in the backyard, ignorant of the yellow, dead grass, examining the clouds above me." instead. I guess that's just personal opinion though.
That's an interesting idea and seemingly significant to your MC's way of thinking, so maybe you could go a little more into why it is she wants to be a cloud when she dies. Is it because it's peaceful, is it because she'd feel free, etc. Also, I think putting a semi-colon instead of a comma would work better in the first sentence because it's a run-on sentence as it is.
Well THAT makes me want to read more!
Overall, as short stories go I thought this was good. You've got a definite theme with the cloud watching and a surprising ending and yeah it's short, but that's much better than a dull story that drags on and doesn't keep you interested.
I do hope you expand on this because I think it could become an interesting story (not that it isn't already but an interesting longer story I mean)
Hey Lav,
I don't believe this is the best of beginnings, it doesn't exactly hook me into the story.Your MC seems like a bit of an attention seeker, and her reaction to her mothers dismissal is a bit weird. I think you could show the way her mother put her as the last priority or the secondary priority through a different way for example, perhaps your MC is hurt and her mother ignores her to do something else.
You're telling us that her mother is self-obsessed but you haven't show in it any way, give examples. Make me hate the mother.
I like. This is probably my favourite bit of the entire story.
Sum Up
I think you could have developed a bit more on this, your MC was a bit of a faceless character as I know absolutely nothing about her. There is little to no conflict in this, so its a bit boring. It's also short, and I don't feel as though you have given enough information. Although I do like this, and I like your MC's obsession with clouds.
I like the whole cloud idea. The first line really brought me into the story, which is good for such a short piece, well any piece. But it was good, the idea of actually being able to touch a cloud it made me want to read on. I think you should defiantly continue! (and I like your avi!)
- KAH
For being so short that really captivated me. It was pretty descriptive and i really could get a feel for the main character. I hope there is more that follows.