Young Writers Society

I would like to thank everyone for their edits, and this was the first time I had really written a story like this (which I call abstract).

Thank you! I will work on it will all your suggestions!

Hi, LavenderBlue.

First off, if you have any questions or need help deciphering my handwriting, please give me a shout out.

Here we go.















Other Things

I. Alice

Alice seems a bit of a bland character right now. I think some description of what she looks like and some more characterization would help a lot.

II. Show vs. Tell

Use showing rather than telling. It's much better.

Hope this helps,
Cal.

One: Drifting

Alice watched out the window. #000080 ">Watched seemed awkward, maybe you could replace it with gazed, peered, or even, simply, looked. It was raining hard, soaking every flower and shrub to a death. #000080 ">I apologize, but to a death seemed rather peculiar. The raindrops would hit the window with a short thunk and Alice was mesmerised. #000080 "> Mesmerised is usually a word that denotes happiness or wonder, but in Alice's case, she is none of those things. But that is just an opinion. In Florida, it never rained. In Vancouver, it did. Alice didn’t like it. In fact, Alice didn’t even know why she had moved to Canada.

Alice remembered her mother’s talk with her. Alice remembered that they had moved because of her father. What is wrong with my father? Alice had asked herself. The next day, Alice’s mother had not driven her daughter to school. Instead, they caught the first flight out of Florida, which happened to be to Vancouver, Canada. Now, Alice sat at the window in the hotel, the Canadian rain killing any sort of happiness she had left.

Alice stared and stared. That’s all she did until her mother came in from the grocer’s an hour later. Alice’s mother didn’t buy food, she bought the boxed stuff.

“Hi, honey,” Alice’s mother said. She closed the hotel door behind her.

“Hi, mum,” Alice repositioned herself to face her mother, not the window, revealing the awful truth about Vancouver.

“Be a dear and put the food away.”

Alice got up and robotically started shelving the food in the miniscule fridge the hotel supplied. She stopped only once to watch her mother switch on the television and lie down on the couch. Alice didn’t mind—she always had to do her mother’s work.

When Alice was finished unpacking the groceries, her mother told her to start making dinner. Alice dug around through the items her mother had bought, but none were decent enough to make a dinner. So, she took the two remaining ham sandwiches from the airplane and put them in the microwave. Then, Alice went to sit down with her mother and watch the television.

Alice’s mother had the news channel on. There was a man with white hair, but not a wrinkle on his face, who was reporting a bombing somewhere in Afghanistan. Alice found the news boring. It only talked about wars and bad things now. Her mother didn’t seem to mind, though.

The microwave beeped, indicated #0000BF ">It should be, indicating that the sandwiches were done. Alice stood up from an uncomfortable armchair and went to check the sandwiches. The cheese in the sandwich had melted and it smelled delicious, despite it was airplane food. Alice set out two paper plates from the stack her mother had bought. She plunked the sandwiches on top and brought a plate over to her mother.

“Thanks, dear,” Alice’s mother said absent-mindedly. Alice nodded and sat back down into the hard armchair. The two people munched silently on the airplane sandwiches and watched the depressing news about wars. In the background, the symphony of pattering rain gloomed their moods.

~

Alice’s mother insisted that her daughter go to school. She said that everybody had to go to school. What a hypocrite, Alice thought, my mother dropped out when she was thirteen. Alice still had to go to school.

Alice knew she wouldn’t have any friends in Vancouver. She hadn’t had any in Florida or before that when she lived in Brazil. Then in Brazil, nobody at her school spoke English. Alice’s mother said that International Schools were for rich diplomat parents. The main reason that Alice moved around a lot was her father. He was a gambler and got into big debts.

Alice was going to attend Rainy Hill Junior High School. The name suited Vancouver and already Alice didn’t like her school. The name was unattractive to her and she had passed by the building a couple of times. It was large and red brick, with boys sporting Nike and DC, the girls: Prada and Guess. A snobby school. A diplomat parent school, and yet Alice’s mother was sending her there.

“It’s the closest one, Alice,” her mother had said when Alice had uttered her complaint.

“Okay,” Alice said, disappointed. Alice was a girl of few words, and didn’t have the energy to battle her mother.

The day Alice was enrolled at Rainy Hill Junior High; the principal had a meeting with Alice and her mother. The principal was Ms. Schwartz, a lean lady with olive skin and sun hair. Alice thought she looked like an angel from heaven.

“Welcome, Ms. Turret, Alice,” Ms. Schwartz said when the duo had walked into her office. The office was decorated brightly, with notices pinned along the wall.

“Thank you,” Alice’s mother said. She sat. Alice sat.

“Ms. Turret, I am pleased you have chosen Rainy Hill as Alice’s school,” Ms. Schwartz said with a smile. Alice hated it when her mother was called ‘Ms. Turret’. It was too formal for her mother and made her seem like just a person, a nobody. Everybody was oblivious to the fact that her mother was really Anna Maria Turret, somebody who deserved to be addressed to #000080 ">I think you could eliminate to, here informally. Alice decided she didn’t like Ms. Schwartz. Well, except her sun hair.

“As soon as I saw this school, I knew Rainy Hill would be perfect for Alice’s education,” Anna Maria lied easily. No, Alice though to herself, this school was the closest and cheapest to enrol me in.

“Well, let’s sign the papers and by tomorrow Alice can be in class!” Ms. Schwartz exclaimed, pulling a stapled booklet out of a drawer. Alice turned to face to window, the outside blue with misery and wetness. Slowly, Alice drifted off.

Alice was prone to drifting as a child was prone to craving candy. When she day-dreamed Alice never saw anything. A blank transparency would wander in front of her eyes and Alice would see nothing. It was like her sight had been washed from her and a new perplexing blindness crept up to her.#000080 "> I really liked how you explained that part. The worst, Alice had decided when she was nine, was when she was jolted roughly back to reality.

“Alice,” the breath of her mother whispered its way through the maze of her earlobe and reached her brain. Alice opened her eyes, realising she had fallen asleep. In another part of her, she remembered her father telling about the Sandman sprinkling its magic upon sleeping children to make them go to sleep. Joshua had had his moments.

“Let’s go,” Again, her mother whispered in her ear. Alice nodded and twisted her head around her mother. Ms. Schwartz had a disapproving look on her face.

Anna Maria thanked the principal and took Alice by her hand and walked out of the room. School was in session and few strutted down the hallways. Nobody noticed the mother and daughter walking swiftly out of the building. When Alice and her mother were outside, Anna Maria took her daughter aside.

“You shame me with your day-dreaming. Ms. Schwartz didn’t like it. She said it was the sign of an inattentive student,” Alice’s mother#000080 ">'s stare gouged into her daughter’s blank eyes. “Tomorrow, when you go back to Rainy Hill, you pay attention or else.” Then, roughly grabbing her daughter again, Anna Maria started down the wet sidewalk, cars splashing them as they sped by.

~

That night, Alice lay in bed, lights off. She could hardly believe that that very morning she and her father had sat in the cozy hammock out in the backyard of their small war home. He held a tray with two breakfast burritos and two orange juice boxes. McDonalds. Then, Alice’s mother had come out, and said, “Alice, I want you to come to the grocery store with me.” Alice had kissed her father goodbye and grabbed her share of the breakfast. That was the last she saw of him. The sad part of leaving Florida.

Alice didn’t mind leaving her school. Nobody had really been her friend; her fellow classmates thought her dark and mysterious and didn’t want anything to do with her. Also, she had so many missing assignments that Alice could bet her life that her teacher had wanted to throttle her. Leaving school was the better part about moving to Vancouver.
But now her mother had more worries weighting down her shoulders. Since Alice and Anna Maria weren’t legalized Canadian citizens, they would have to apply for citizenship. When in Brazil, the Turrets had had to do the same, but never received their passport as Alice’s father once again pressured the family to move. Moving to Florida hadn’t been difficult; Alice and her family were born and always would be Americans. Soon, Alice and her mother would be attending Canadian citizenship classes.

For now, Alice said in her head, we have no worries. Only the ones we already carry.

#000080 ">I really enjoyed this story, and I am interested to see how you will continue with it. You are a very good writer. Also, I am a very inexperienced writer, so my impression on how you used the word mesmerised is probably incorrect, but, again, that was just an opinion.

Use Arizona. It doesn't rain there often.

In Florida, it never rained. In Vancouver, it did. Alice didn’t like it. In fact, Alice didn’t even know why she had moved to Canada.
It rains in flordia. i went on a 2 week vacation there and it rained most of the week. use the nevada or "it rained like the state of kansas in the dustbowl."
“Hi, mum,” Alice repositioned herself to face her mother, not the window, revealing the awful truth about Vancouver.
If she is originally from flordia or the states you dont hear anyone say "Mum" but more american english which would be mom. just because you might confuse readers on thinking shes british.
When Alice was finished unpacking the groceries, her mother told her to start making dinner. Alice dug around through the items her mother had bought (that were in a brown bag or say at a local store or leave it as it is), but none were decent enough to make a dinner. So, she took the two remaining ham sandwiches from the airplane and put them in the microwave. Then, Alice went to sit down with her mother and watch the television.
Alice was prone to drifting as a child was prone to craving candy.
This really doesnt make sense. What do you mean here? I believe its just a word missing.
Alice’s mother insisted that her daughter go to school. She said that everybody had to go to school. What a hypocrite, Alice thought, my mother dropped out when she was thirteen. Alice still had to go to school.
Why did she drop out?
“Alice,” the breath of her mother whispered its way through the maze of her earlobe and reached her brain. Alice opened her eyes, realising she had fallen asleep. In another part of her, she remembered her father telling about the Sandman sprinkling its magic upon sleeping children to make them go to sleep. Joshua had had his moments.
Love this paragraph
. Alice nodded and twisted her head around her mother. Ms. Schwartz had a disapproving look on her face.
I think twist isnt the word that she be used, it sounds painful. i think turn is just as good. Or shifted.
She could hardly believe that that very morning she and her father had sat in the cozy hammock out in the backyard of their small war home. (Comma needed)
her fellow classmates thought (of) her dark and mysterious and didn’t want anything to do with her.
When in Brazil, the Turrets had had to do the same, but never received their passport as Alice’s father once again pressured the family to move.
(Remove the extra word had.
This story is really good and i enjoyed reading it. I hope this helped

sorry to tell you, but it does rain in florida, its not a dessert, there are 5 minute sever thunderstorms everyday! I have ben there