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140,121 Literary Works • 673,020 Reviews
Hello Lauren! I saw your post in my Feed, so I'm sorry this has taken a while to get to. I had an essay plan deadline. >_<
This feels like a command, which is odd, because there’s no follow up. It feels like it should be a declarative rather than an imperative—“you stand in front of the mirror...”—so it fits in with the rest of the narrative.
This is incredibly nit-picky. It’s late, I’m sorry. >_< Using “perfectly” when you’re talking about so much imperfection feels odd. It could be ironic, but it just feels like the wrong word.
Contrariwise, I like the ambiguity here. Are these declaratives or imperatives? Due to the second person, there’s some clever uncertainty. ^_^
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So, it could be that it is late, but I feel like something’s missing here. Second person’s difficult for me to get into, but I thought you used it very effectively here, although not so much the first person. I feel as though there should be a clearer divide between the “you” and the “I” so the “us” at the end is more of a surprise.
The way I read this, it’s one person with two personalities. Is that right?
But because of the second person, that’s not as clear as it should be. The second person use of “you” means that it isn’t clear whether the “you” is part of the narrative (“this happens to you” “you do that” but not actually addressing anyone) or a declarative or vocative. This ambiguity is good in a sense, but I still feel like it should be clearer. I mean, what is the “you”? Is it simple second person, or one of the personalities talking to the other?
There was a clear divide between the voice of the narrator and the character—the line about the rat’s nest you call a hairstyle was particularly effective—and overall this ran smoothly and was a pleasure to read.
So, overall I did like this, and I liked having to read it a couple of times to get a deeper understanding of it, but I think the second person could benefit from a little tweaking. ^_^
PM or Wall me if you have any questions, or if I wasn’t clear on anything!
-twit
this was a really good read! there aren't too many mistakes or misaps that i could find, and the ones that i did have been noted and suggestions have been made already. the imagry is great and there are only one or two spots where it lost its momentum a little. over all this was a really good read and could have so many things added to it. i think it will do well in the contest. keep writting!
Soap
pm me if you need anything.
Hey Lauren,
I know I promised a review like two weeks ago and I'm sorry it took so long but here I am!
As a first sentence, this is okay. It's a perfectly fine sentence but it doesn't have that oomph, that power, that special touch that makes the reader want to continue. I suggest keeping the same note, but change keys (sorry, music analogy that might not even make sense), tell us something impossibly interesting, something that has that hook.
This confused me. At first, I thought you were talking about 'yourself' rather than the mirror and it's something that I think needs to be fixed. Just a little re-wording or maybe changing the sentence structure will fix this.
I like this. The repetition works well and I feel like while it's not the most legitimate reason (Why is mirrors plural? Why would someone need more than one mirror? Why doesn't this person just change the way they dress?- Not exactly important questions, but they make the reader stumble on the sentence.), it's still very nice imagery.
I really like the next bits. It's all very well written and I honestly could not find any faults with any of it. I liked the twist at the end, with the 'you' person and the 'I' person being the same person. I find it slightly creepy how detached the 'you' person is from the 'I' person, and how the 'I' person refers to the 'you' person as a different person when they are the same person, but that's just me thinking too much and you told me not to do that.
Nice work, Lauren.
~Jas
You did a good job at narrating it. It made alot of sense but there were a few things that did not make sense about it because i had a few questions that went unanswered like who is the main character and that kind of stuff but other than that it was pretty good.
Review spot!