Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for mature content.
This was originally written under a 500 word constraint. I'd like to expand, so I'm interested in the places where readers want more/which unanswered questions ought to be answered. There are a lot of unanswered questions.
It’s been three hours since anyone’s seen Mike. I was in bed when Amy called, ludicrously drunk, to tell me that Mike had stopped answering his phone. The ceiling was spinning when I pulled a sweatshirt over my dress. I remember wondering how long I could wear my college sweatshirt before it became ironic, which is the kind of thought you have after downing a half a handle of Jim Beam at a frat party in somebody’s basement. Tonight was the night I was supposed to sleep with Mike. When Amy’d cuffed us and dropped the key into the bourbon, he’d breathed hot and sticky over the side of my face like a liquored kiss. The last I saw of Mike was the tinkle of that key in the bottom of a shot glass. I couldn’t remember what his face looked like, blurred around the edges of the state of Ohio on frosted, bourbon-colored glass.
Mike tried to kill himself three times last week.
I find him in an abandoned building on the other side of town. It’s the kind of building that used to be something, but isn’t anymore. No one on campus remembers what it was before it was nothing. I like to go up there and sit by myself when the sun sets, let the light burn my skin translucent through the broken windows. When I walk past I know I should look for Mike but I’m selfish and I’m annoyed at him for disappearing at the party. I don’t know he’s there until I see him in my spot on the second floor, our empty bottle tucked into his lap.
His phone is balanced on his knee, the screen flashing missed call, voicemail. I don’t sit in front or beside but directly behind him, my back against his back, our hips touching, his fine, feathery hair pressed into my matted curls. I can feel his heart beating in his back and I want to reach around and hold his wrist in my hand, feel his pulse with my thumb. My phone flashes texts from Amy threatening to call the police, to commit Mike to a hospital if she ever sees him again. I don’t reply. It’s almost morning and I can taste Jim Beam in the back of my throat and I like her frantic concern. There’s a reason he didn’t make it before, those last three times he tried. I want to know if it’s the same as mine.
Outside the sun is rising. I’m facing this big wall of open window. There are panes missing and the ones that are left filter the sun through dirt and spray paint. It burns my eyes and I think about Mike staring into the brick wall on the other side. I wonder what he sees in it, if there’s something that sparkles in just that right morning light. I want to ask him if this is what he’s looking for. But I know it’s not as simple as that.
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Canary word: Present
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,783 Reviews
Hey there Lauren2010. It's just lizzy dropping by real quick, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.
First Off
(so I'm adding in a category but don't be bothered by it, it's not like I'm going to do anything evil or something)
*coughs*
1. Anyways, thank goodness someone reviewed this before me because otherwise it would look like I was purposely waiting for someone to publish a good short story. totally wasn't But really I did click on this because all of the novel chapters and poetry were starting to overwhelm me in the green. I'm sure this piece would have gotten snatched up soon enough because the length is preferable. And short stories, unlike poetry, are often not as hard to de-code. I mean this in the best way possible but if you could have picked anyway to publish this, this was the perfect week. (I guess that actually was a nice thing to say.)
2. Ahh. Flash fiction. Yep won't be here very long but I do have a lot of things to actually say about your story so I should get moving along. Please continue reading my ramblings of questions and compliments in the next section.
First Thoughts you know about the actual story rather than other stuffs
1. Despite the previous mentions of wanting to read something different, I would have clicked on this story, just for the sheer reason of finding out in what context 'Ghost Story' is being used. Like is it an actual horror story or is this some sort of symbolic title to keep the readers guessing? I noticed that in some of your other titles, granted I only read the one, but they are pretty well crafted to draw people's attention.
^Yes that sort of was a compliment to your title writing skills.
2. So for all that this story is great, it also leaves so
oooooomany questions for the readers to ask you and in the case of your story, I'd think that would be a good way. Once gaining this feedback from multiple people, you might not, but for now think about questions as interest in the rest of the story.3. And the ending, though it may be perceived as one, is not a cliffhanger. It's actually sort of surprising to not have a surprising in flash fiction. Granted most of the ones I have encountered are horror/mystery flash fiction and I have a sort of twisted view on them. The ending is almost (pardon me while I stumble through words) poetic. Yes that was very corny but it will remain that word until I find the right one. More mentions of this possibly below so if you'll just follow me right this way while examining some more questions.
Picking up the review here a couple days later on mobile so maybe won't be as long as I intended originally.
On Questions: We may or may not have some for you.
1. Whoops. Bit late to the party on questions so I'm just going to work them into the category below. Moving right along. -->
For an Extension
1. You had mention about extending this story a bit from the flash fiction mode and I'm not sure which way you wanted to take it. You have two very different directions to go with this and I guess I might as well talk about both. The first choice is giving this a backstory and who the respective main characters are. For the backstory, you would have to invent the three other suicide situations. Once you write those and maybe a bit more history of the characters, you can back or forward as far in time as you like.
2. What I mean by the previous message, is that it seems smarter to write a backstory before trying to advance with the plot, because it leaves a lot less questions on the plot. You could drop this like a hot potato here but then there's this question hanging in the background.
3. Whatever way you go that's cool, just thought I should mention which way would be easier to canonically establish.
Good-Bye
So yeah this is all I have for now because of the mobile thing. Sorry didn't submit this earlier but you know stuffs and life came up.
Good day and good luck.
Lizzy
The Queen of the Book Clubs
Your narrator's voice is too removed from the situation. It would be better to have the scenes narrated as they happened. There should also be more urgency. Thinking about a sweatshirt when a suicidal friend is missing seems unrealistic. The narrator should focus on the task at hand, not her fashion choices.
Is Amy a policeman? I am confused by the handcuffs. She also calls drunk, however. Use a different device to keep the narrator and MIke in the same room.
Your descriptions are good. The narrator thinnking about the light in the morning is warranted.
Not enough time is dedicated to the buildup. Rework the beginning and it will be more fulfilling as the tension releases near the end.
I am incredibly tired. I am not sure how much of this will make sense but I felt I wanted to react to it.
I feel like this story breathes in its ambiguity. And for me that's where it should live? Tigeraye makes some good points but I think if you play to those questions, the ones that people up front want the answers to, then you might lose something of the atmosphere of this story or perhaps deaden what (it feels to me like) you're trying to explore.
I got the sense that the main character connects to Mike because they too have destructive tendencies. And maybe it's not outright suicidal but it's enough that they see Mike. It feels as though the MC's lead is what should be followed and not the desires of the reader for information, for context and a desperation to have it spelled out. It seems that the MC wants to see if Mike is a kindred spirit, if they can share with Mike. If this is someone who understands them. And the trajectory of the story is in how the MC approaches Mike, what they want to talk about and ask and know about Mike.
I think, if you're looking for a way to extend this piece, I would (and this is just me) be tempted to extend out into a conversation between the two. And almost to have it just remain in that warehouse? It feels to me like you want to explore this head space, what these characters see and feel. So you could approach from the way of not revealing things the characters themselves wouldn't reveal to each other through dialogue. Really let them explore, really let yourself explore. There's a chance here to get somewhere different, to delve deep into something real? And I would be really interested to see where that leads!
I hope that helps...or makes sense...or both in fact! Both is good.
I really enjoyed this. I had shut my laptop off, was about to go to sleep and just scrolling on my phone and decided to read this. Then I turned my laptop on and reviewed. So it definitely has something affecting. And you know I love any of your writing! I would love to see this piece again.
I think what you have hear is a solid foundation, it just needs something to stand on it. There's a lot of intrigue between the main character and Mike's relationship, and Mike's history (having tried to kill himself three times, mainly), but there doesn't seem to be a clear sense of motivation or personality for any of the characters yet. But I do like the noir-esque quality to the narration and I actually enjoy the amount of questions it raises -- it gives the reader things to think about, and that's what a strong start to a story should do. I just want them answered.
So the first thing that hits me about this main character is they seem rather neurotic, because three hours is not that long for someone to be gone. So my immediate question is why does she care? Obviously, the answer is because Mike is suicidal, but we don't know that yet.
Thus, why not make this your opening line? I find it a much stronger hook because it raises a ton of intrigue and peril straight away. It's enough that someone tried to commit suicide once, but three times? That's pretty much at "I'm completely done with life" and that makes for a very interesting character -- like I said, they both have potential.
But then I'm left with another question -- why did nobody help this Mike person? It makes the main character and all the others that would be involved seem incredibly irresponsible that someone would try to kill themselves not once, not twice, but three times, and now this Amy person is just now threatening to call the hospital. And the main character, being a prick, doesn't care at all.
Moving on, is this line necessary? It's a sudden shift from "Mike tried to kill himself" to "Oh, I found him," with none of the danger or concern in between. Obviously, despite my prick comments, the main character did decide to look for this guy so they're not that bad of a person after all, but I'd like you to show that. Show the main character deciding why and how to look for this person, why they decided not to call the police. Plus, we know from the detail that the main character finds Mike in this abandoned building, so we don't really need them to outright say it for us.
Going back towards the beginning:
the way you worded this made it sound like Amy was drunk -- the details afterwards imply it was the main character who was drunk and not her. It's nothing major, but did take me out of the story.
So, more specifically, the questions I'd like answered:
- What is the meaning behind the warehouse?
- Why did Mike kill himself three times?
- Why does the main character do what she does?
There are a lot, like you said, but those are the three big ones. Even though it feels like it direly needs expansion, this is still a strong start and I hope you do continue it in the future.