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140,134 Literary Works • 673,032 Reviews
Laaaauren! C'est Stella! So, this is kind of like Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind? In concept? Looking forward to it!
I. NITPICKS
A pet peeve of mine is starting a story with a passive action. We'll assume he's either standing or sitting unless he's lying down. If he's staring at a door, most likely he's standing.
no apostrophe.
Question mark at the end.
Meta door.
She's both? Also, maybe "called" would be more appropriate?
Okay, I absolutely adore this but at the same time it sort of annoys me because... memories aren't matter? Is is a metaphor? Maybe. But it feels like you're stating it as cold hard fact. Maybe turning it into a simile would be a wise idea?
II. OVERALL
Um. Wow. Powerful and creepy and awful and great. I'm really trying to find something to complain about here. I could complain that Charlie's character isn't all that well developed but at the same time it's exactly as developed as it needs to be -more development wouldn't go amiss but it's not like it's lacking. Some interaction with his co-workers might just add another interesting dimension to it- do they think the same way as him? That could be interesting and would help development but again it's just a suggestion and not necessary- oh. One little thing that bugged me- what year is this supposed to be? Present day or in the near future or a little further away future? That'd be good to know.
But overall, excellent job
-Stella x
Hey,
I don't know why, but I don't really like this sentence very much. It seems like it's just a bit too long without a comma, but a comma isn't needed. Try changing the structure maybe?
I really like the first sentence of this but the last sentence seems repetitive.
A typo and I feel you could describe 'thick, metal door' differently because you already used that phrase in the first sentence.
What do you mean by tough barely noticeable? Was there supposed to be a comma in there?
Another typo.
If it's a electronic voice, wouldn't that be smooth and clear? I don't much like the use of 'sputtered'.
I'd like to know what happens when there is a failure, it seems interesting.
Awesome ending.
Overall: I really liked this. It was like a glimpse of what the world may be if technology keeps making all these controversial advances. The writing is good and it flowed well and your plot was very well thought out. Other than those few mistakes above, I really didn't find any problems, though a bit more imagery would be nice. Good job!
Grade: A
If you have any questions or comments, PM me!
~jas
P.S. I just realized; YOU WERE MY 300TH REVIEW!!! :]
Time for some shred ripping!
"A hair salon helped people to look better by removing something old and worn out; a Memory Removal Clinic helped people to feel better by removing something old and worn out. The only difference was the difference between hair, and memory. "
This seems kind of redundant. You might want to condense it to,
"A hair salon helped people to look better by removing something old and worn out; a Memory Removal Clinic did the same but with memories, not hair."
Something along those lines. Just a suggestion of course!
"... or Eskimo." Actually, the word Eskimo translates to "eater of raw meat", and was a derogatory term invented by the northern settlers of America. The people you are thinking of are the Inuit, which means "People of the ice".
Apart from these, and some minor typos that you should catch on a read through, it was a very good piece of work. I liked how in-depth your description of the machine was, and how you developed Charlie as a character; his emotions, conscience etc. It has great potential as a contest piece, and with a few tweaks could easily become a winner. Keep it up!