“What do you think happens when we die?” Sarah and I stared at the open blue sky in front of us, admiring the flawless clouds dancing across a perfect breeze. It was our favorite spot—the dandelion field behind the soccer fields at the old middle school.
“I don’t know,” Sarah said, not breaking eye contact with the vast space ahead. “I hope it’s peaceful, though.” I closed my eyes, and breathed in the scent of fresh spring buds.
“Yeah, me too.” My thoughts drifted toward the future. Our whole lives were ahead of us, and I had no idea what I was going to do with mine. Of course, Sarah had a whole plan. Sarah always had a plan. College at Stanford, just like her sister. She was going to study medicine andbecome a neurosurgeon.
“I heard once,” said Sarah, breaking the comfortable silence, “that after we die, our brains replay our best memories for seven minutes—right before it shuts off.”
“That sounds nice.” I suddenly wondered what my seven minutes would look like. What had I done that was even worth replaying? My mind drew a blank.
I plucked a dandelion from the grass and held the fragile white seeds between my fingers.
“Make a wish,” Sarah said.
I closed my eyes and blew, opening them to watch the tiny seeds drift away into the air.
I always wondered where they landed.
Before I could ask her where they landed, Sarah started talking about her senior-year schedule, filled with electives and overwhelming classes. It sounded stressful—like something only Sarah would do in her senior year of high school.
Nevertheless, I listened to her talk for a few minutes—commenting at the right moments and nodding enthusiastically at almost everything she said. That’s how we worked. Maddie and Sarah. She talked, and I listened. And I was okay with that.
I never had much to say anyway.
End of chapter
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137,563 Literary Works • 672,044 Reviews
Hi!
I love how you described the dandelion-filled meadow that the two girls are sitting in. It really gives me a very good picture of their surroundings. Keep up the good work!
Just wanted to say that this is an amazing intro! I may not be a professional editor, but I sure know a good start when I see one!
Hia =D Figured I also check out your story and maybe make it all the way to the newer chapters too ^^
That said... I feel like the first line of dialogue should be in its own paragraph. You don't specifcy a speaker right then so...
In general, paragraphs work a bit better when you only have the speaker of the dialogue as a person taking action in that paragraph. So " I closed my eyes, and breathed in the scent of fresh spring buds." should probably also go into its own paragraph for clarity's sake :3
Missing space here: "medicine andbecome a"
Now onto the more interesting part (I just find grammar important XD): the story itself!
Hmm from the way you set this up, I was ready to have something jump them and now the seven minutes are literally happening... But the Introduction remains peaceful.
I like your writing style and I feel like you used the right amount of descriptions ^^
I feel like our narrator might be letting their own contributions fall to the wayside by idolising Sarah so let's see if the seven minutes are really not that interesting or if they just don't know how interesting they are!
great introduction! you do a wonderful job of showing us these characters. it's clear that they have a long history and what their dynamic is, even though you don't explicitly state it until the end. i'm really looking forward to reading the rest of this story and seeing where it takes them : )
Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the gory S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - Maddie and Sarah talk about their lives. Well, mostly Sarah, because Maddie has nothing to say. She just listens. Whether that is good or bad, no one truly knows.
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - “And become” is put together, but that is just one little thing!
Chocolate Bar - I like how there is a sense of sadness in how Maddie thinks. She thinks that she is fine because this is how things have always been, but she still feels lonely because Sarah has all these plans and she does not. I think that this sadness might help show how Maddie died. It’s subtle and yet, still there.
Closing Graham Cracker - Overall, a well-written intro to this story! I’ll be sure to read the other chapters you posted to learn more about Maddie’s life. I enjoyed reading this and…
I wish you a fabulous day/night! ^v^
I really like this introduction. It sets up the premise really well and I like the dynamic between Maddie and Sarah. The conversation between them feels natural, but I also like the fact we get to hear Maddie's internal thoughts as Sarah speaks. I like the concept of Maddie not having much to say, as if subtly implying what she thinks about her own life compared to Sarah's. It works well with the line where she thinks about her life and she "draws a blank". I really like the direction this is going and look forward to seeing how it plays out.
I'm very bad at putting this into words but it's lovely and I love it and it's beautiful.
You painted an image almost immediately, which can be quite a feat to pull off, of both the location and a character (of Sarah's personality). Then, you painted Maddie too: I loved that part where she can't think of anything worth replaying.
She doesn't even make a wish, does she? She only wonders where the dandelion seeds land. You painted the relationship between Maddie and Sarah then, in a clear image: Maddie is mostly just going along passively with her friend, it seems. I wonder what you'll do to her in the next chapters, whether she's allowed to remain automatonlike like that (that's the image I have of her; an automaton.) or if she'll be forced to awaken. I'll definitely read the next chapters sometime to find out, and I think other people will, too. There are no spelling mistakes as far as I noticed.
(I hope my review was helpful. It might not be: but the next reviewer will surely be able to give you some solid advice that I couldn't think up.)
Keep up the great work!