9:15. Kelsey walked into my room – Maddie’s room.
“Where’s Dad?” Maddie asked. He always read her a bedtime story before she went to bed.
“In his room.”
“Can you tell him it’s time for my story?” Kelsey shook her head, her chin quivering slightly. It was almost too subtle to notice, Maddie didn’t seem to.
“Why not?” Maddie’s expression was bitter, not reading the situation for what it truly was. For what it truly would be forever.
“Just cause.” Before Maddie could protest, Kelsey came to sit on the bed next to her. “I’m going to tell you something. The truth.” Maddie nodded, feeling trusted.
I waited for it to end.
The day was almost over, this horrible nightmare that I’d been forced to relive.
“Mom and Dad think you’re too young to know, but I think you should.”
Kelsey proceeded to tell Maddie about what Dad had actually meant when he said there was “trouble at work.” She told Maddie that their family had been struggling financially for a while, yet Dad proceeded to not tell them and attempted to fix things by himself. After a few months of money decline, he decided to do something about it. Dad worked with Uncle Richard and embezzled money from their own company and clients. They took chunks at a time so it would be subtle, but when it became obvious that profits were dropping, the company ran an investigation and found out how much Dad and uncle Richard had taken.
“How much did they take?” Kelsey’s neck tightened.
“From what I heard Mom say, a couple million.” Maddie’s eyes widened.
“So where is Dad going?”
“He’s running,” Kelsey said, her cold expression guarding her again. “He’s hiding from prison.”
“Why would he do that?” Kelsey sighed. She was reluctant to continue talking about Dad. It hurt her – it hurt me too.
“In his head, running is better than thirty years in prison.” She didn’t seem to agree with his motives. I hadn't either. I’d always waited for the day where I’d understand him, of why he chose to hide away from the police and his family. But there weren’t enough days for me to wait for an answer.
“So when will we see him again?”
“I don’t know if we will.”
“Ever?”
A pause. Kelsey hesitated.
“Maybe.”
“What do you think about him running?”
Kelsey thought for a moment, really taking her time to come up with a good response to this scared seven-year-old girl. “I wish he would turn himself in.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
“Me too,” Maddie said. She wasn’t saying this to agree with Kelsey, Maddie was thinking this for herself. Maddie didn’t want Dad to leave, no matter what crime he committed or what the punishment was. Him running wasn’t worth never being able to see him – maybe ever again.
“Are you scared?” Kelsey said softly, looking at Maddie. Her eyes held like dams, keeping back everything she refused to let spill. She was staying strong. For Maddie.
“No.” Maddie sniffled, letting a single tear drip slowly down her face and onto her pillow. She was clutching it tightly against her stomach, hugging it tightly like it would leave her. Just like Dad.
Another tear dripped from Maddie’s eyes. Then another. And another. She stayed silent, letting the tears soak into the cloth of her pillow. It didn’t seem real yet – being abandoned by someone she thought she could trust.
Kelsey’s breath shook, her chin trembling erratically, not holding back any longer. “Me neither.” They sobbed together, all their strength melting away as they joined in each other's arms. They felt small, desperate to be the children Dad would believe were worth facing consequences for them.
Christmas of 2014 was one that I would never forget. I’d gone to sleep that night feeling everything. I’d tried so hard not to feel, to turn everything into stone. That’s what Mom did. That’s what Kelsey did. But it didn’t seem that simple.
Maddie’s emotions weren’t blocked off. She couldn’t contain the hurt that she felt so deeply inside. She was a messy, crying, hurt girl. She wanted to yell and scream and cry and let every tear out until there were none left to give.
When Maddie shut her eyes of this nightmare, in the morning she’d wake up to find Dad gone. Maddie would never hear from him again. He would pack up and leave. Mom and Kelsey would pretend he never existed, picking up with regular life. Maddie would try to do the same. But her life never would feel quite the same without him.
Dad hadn’t said goodbye, but Maddie didn’t know that yet. All she knew was the truth about her father. He was a lying, cheating scandal, who would trade his family for a safe life.
Maddie stared at her ceiling, waiting for the hours to tick away. She couldn’t sleep – and who would be able to? I knew exactly what she was thinking about – being abandoned. She was hoping to wake up in the morning and find out this had all been a dream. It felt so real – being left by Dad – but it couldn’t be. No, no. This was the kind of thing that happened to other people, but not her. Not sweet, innocent, perfect little Maddie. She didn’t deserve this.
I didn’t deserve this.
At the time, all I could think about was how to be better. How to be someone Dad wouldn’t leave. My mind went blank on the ways I could’ve changed for him, and it stayed blank the next eleven years.
Maddie watched the clock, waiting for this day to pass to the next. She’d already been laying in her bed for hours – waiting, watching, listening. Her heartbeat was loud against her chest, but she didn’t mind it. It gave proof Dad hadn’t broken it yet.
The clock ticked – 11:59.
I was so close to escaping this nightmare of a Christmas. I was reliving the past that I wished so badly to forget. Maddie’s feelings were colliding with mine. The fear that she felt was eating me alive, scared that the world was going to swallow me whole.
Maddie was drowning in her thoughts, letting them consume her the longer she let them take over her head. Her feelings were strong and complex – much too complex than most seven-year-olds could handle. Yet that was all she felt. No more giddiness, just pain.
Tick tock.
It was almost midnight.
She was so close to escaping this nightmare.
As was I to leaving this unforgettable memory.
One that I never wished to return to.
Ten seconds.
Maddie’s eyes counted, moving with each tick on the clock. Her heart slowed as she focused on each one.
Five.
Her breath held.
Three.
She unclenched her fists.
Tick–
The world darkened, bringing my mind to the abyss.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,739 Reviews
First Impressions
The climax to minute 7! While I haven't reviewed the previous parts, rest assured I have read them! Let's get into it.
Quite the reveal! I was thinking with all the buildup that I would have to either see someone die or infidelity for this to feel satisfying, and I was wrong! There was another option you had in store.
Minor Grammatical Errors
Rather than opening with just "9:15." (though if you are going to do this, there shouldn't be a period and the time should be in its own paragraph at the top) I highly recommend expressing this with words. Try "It was a quarter past nine in the evening." or something, for example.
Similarly, I recommend that you say "A minute until midnight." or something later on instead of "11:59". If you want to keep it just the time, remove the period and have just "The clock ticked — 11:59"
(On that note, you're technically using hyphens where you should be using em dashes here and at the beginning, but that's such a minor quibble I haven't pointed it out until now to explain why my dash is longer than your dash. That's not something to worry about at this stage.)
OH. I just used cmd+F and it seems you are using em dashes and hyphens correctly except that the em dashes are secretly en dashes! So you are caring about that level of detail after all! I'm not sure what device you're on, but you can look up how to produce em dashes for the future, and Find and Replace the ones here if you want to. Just put the text in a word processor that can do F&R and add an en dash to be found and an em dash to replace.
So for example: "Her feelings were strong and complex – much too complex than most seven-year-olds could handle."
You have an en dash where there should be an em dash, but the hyphens are being used correctly.
Major Grammatical Errors
Also, you have a more significant grammatical error in that above sentence: it should be "much more complex", not "much too complex".
"It was almost too subtle to notice, Maddie didn’t seem to." should have an "and" instead for "It was almost too subtle to notice and Maddie didn’t seem to." or else there should be a semicolon or an em dash. For example, "It was almost too subtle to notice; Maddie didn’t seem to." Usually I wouldn't call a comma splice a major error, but this one stands out and it's at the beginning.
Where you say "But her life never would feel quite the same without him." it would be better to swap "would" and "never" and say "But her life would never feel quite the same without him."
That's not necessarily all the errors, but that's all I noticed, so let's move on!
The Overall Vibe
I thought this was a worthy conclusion to the first chapter, but I did feel like the exposition about the embezzlement could have been shown a little more than it was told. It's difficult to explain this stuff to a seven-year-old, and some of the language Kelsey used would have been fun to see.
Otherwise, the exposition felt like it was used well. We don't need a breakdown of everything that happened, that paragraph was the only place where it felt overbearing.
I didn't personally feel that it was confusing to have "I" and "Maddie" both being used. It might have been at first in earlier chapter parts, I can't remember, but I think it's pretty easy to figure out.
Overall, I thought this came together well at the end, even if it's only the first part of seven. Onto the next part, then!
I'm really looking forward to reading the rest of this story if you decide to post it! ^^ The concept is so interesting and I like the suspenseful way you write
This story is pretty good; I enjoyed reading it. The emotional aspect was consistent and delivered nicely. Here are a few suggestions:
-I am confused about who 'I' is. Is it Maddie? That is what I suspected, but I wasn't sure. If Maddie and 'I' are the same person, you should probably chose one voice to use (either First Person - saying 'she' and 'Maddie' - or Third Person - saying 'I'). If Maddie and 'I' are different people, clarifying who the main character is would make it much easier to understand.
-In the conversations, most of the things people say go without clarifying who said who. Multiple times, I found myself having to re-read some parts, trying to understand who is saying what. So, maybe you should add a few more things like, '", said Maddie.'
-Make sure that the U in Uncle Richard is capitalized.
So the %u201CI%u201D is Maddie watching these memories from her past self%u2019s body, and %u201CMaddie%u201D is the past her she%u2019s watching because Maddie is sort of narrating her own past story so I hope that clears it all up
Woah ignore the typos Idk what happened lol
Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the agonizing S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - Maddie and Kelsey talk about Dad leaving. They cry together and then Maddie is left alone with her thoughts to spiral in the darkness.
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - I have no recommendations to make as of right now, but if you would like to edit this, then you may.
Chocolate Bar - I love how you described Kelsey trying to keep her strength for Maddie, desperately trying to keep away the tears…but still crying nonetheless. And how you wrote about Mom and Kelsey’s silence about what happened making it worst for her. They don’t want to talk about it, but maybe if they talked about it with Maddie, she would have felt better about what had occurred.
Closing Graham Cracker - Overall, a very sorrowful chapter on Maddie losing her Dad and not having anybody to talk about it with. I enjoyed reading this and I will be sure to read more chapters. Now…
I wish you a lovely day/night! ^v^