Abnormals (Part 1)

Hey, Che here for a review!

I keep seeing new chapters pop up and figured I should probably go back and read them from the beginning, right? So here I am! I'll start by pointing out anywhere that I think needs a little improvement

Hannah glared at the paper in front of her, she was scared to write in case she had to erase, because the mere thought of messing up made her tense and nervous.

Her hands began to shake as she went to put the date at the top of the yellowed page

She stood up straighter and walked to her window, at seeing nothing she let out a chuckle.

There was a war going on nearby, the War of Radix, it was named after King Radix of Uliaria, who started it

Hello, I'm here for a review!

First off, I want to say this was real good, it has a good story in motion, and the world that's been set up so far is great. However, I feel like your story could flow better. You need comas before your buts. A teacher I know had a good way of putting this, "You need to cover your buts" Lol.
Also, I kept on having to reread sentences where people were talking. I would start a new paragraph every time someone new starts talking.

Other than that, this story is awesome! And I'll get to your next part as soon as I have time!

Keep on writing!

Hello hello. I know I said I'd review this sooner, but stuff happened and bla bla bla bla, you've probably heard it all before.

Now that I'm done not making excuses, let us review.

"Hannah glared at the paper in front of her, she was scared to write in case she had to erase, because the mere thought of messing up made her tense and nervous. Her hands began to shake as she went to put the date at the top of the yellowed page. She couldn't do it. This was the worst case of writer's block she had ever encountered. She let out a gasp and threw the pencil across the room, hearing a thud as it hit her plain white walls. She got up and cracked her knuckles and checked the clock, it was late - or very early as Hannah liked to say. She stood up straighter and walked to her window, at seeing nothing she let out a chuckle. She was safe for another day, for she was just a girl in a normal village, but the Guardians didn't protect her part. They mainly went to save the rich people from harm because they could get their pockets lined. They would defend the poor people but they didn't care if nothing was in it for them. "

This description sounds more like my expereience with anxiety. My therapist actually pointed the differance out to me a while back, I think it was closer to when I started going to therapy, so around when I was twelve-ish, writers block is when not a single idea will enter your brain and the story just feels dead, like there's no way to go foreward. Anxiety, the way I had it, is more like there are too many ideas in your head and you feel like writing them down could never do them justice and you want to do all of them at once, but you have to pick one and you feel like there's some kind of deadline aproaching, but you also think erasing anything at all is the worst possible thing you could do. Basically, both are frustrating, but in completely different ways.

In addition to that block of text, perhaps there is a better way to introduce the Guardians? I'm always thinking of ways to leave no plot thread untied, to intorduce everything early on in engaging ways and then bring everything, and I mean everything, to a conclusion by the end. I assume the Gaurdians are important, so maybe intorduce them in a more creative way. My general rule is to treat nothing as sacred, so, why don't we shift this scene around? (I'm going to go into the entire four chapters here, sorry in advance)

Imagine it going something like this: Hannah is walking abround town (giving the readers a look into her daily routien and showing off the world you've created in a more vivid way) while thinking about this paper she has to write (she can think about how she hasn't even been able to put her name on the page yet, how she hadn't written a decent sentence in far too long, so on and so forth). Maybe she runs into the other guy who was bitten (who's name just escapes my memory every time I scroll down, which probably has less to do with his name than my minds preoccupation with the new Captain Marvel movie which I saw today and have since not stopped thinking about Goose) and the guy makes a comment about her eyes, ("Having a bad day, hmm?"
"No sir."
"Your eyes are all stormy grey, and it's written all over you.")

Chapter one would end with her getting home, maybe she was out buying baking supplies (thus informing the readers early on that she is a baker, if you didn't already have some of the towns people elude to it earlier) which she would drop off in her bakery, which I have to assume now is also her house since Lottie goes to her house instead of wherever the actual bakery is) and go to bed.

Chapter two would begin with Hannah already up (she runs a bakery, she has to be up with the crack of dawn to prepare for the day) when Lottie comes knocking. Since you've already established that this is a fairly large town where everyone could not possibly know everyone, the fact that Lottie is a stranger will set off no alarms, just as before. (This time maybe describe the cake a little more? I just feel like it might help to establish the tone of the party to at least give it a general size a color. Three-tiered and blood red with black flowers, for an example you probably won't use to give a sort of gothic feel to the court)

I can't explain why, but the way she was invited to the party seemed a little awkward, like you weren't exactly sure how to phrase everything. Maybe try reading it aloud to yourself or someone you trust to not be as terrible a person as I am to see what it's missing. I don't know, it works for me on occasion, though I do plot by walking around in circles for several hours and visualizing every scene in incredible detail over and over again until I'm happy with it (I did say I'm in therapy) so maybe adive from me isn't the greatest when it comes to plotting methods.

Okay, I'm just going to stop micro-managing because I should be in bed and give you the gist of what I'm trying (and probably failing) to say.

I loved Amathist for her very brief appearance and I hope to see more of her in the future.

You absolutly MUST start a new paragraph every time a new character speaks. No exceptions. Period. For example because I didn't understand the first time and I don't want you to be stuck not understanding like I was, you have a scene with Mary and Jane. "Hi Mary!" Jane greeted from across the room. "Oh, hi Jane," Mary answered half-heartedly as Jane approached. That was the bad example, to be blunt. Let me show you how to format that in the way no english teacher ever showed me, but I learned anyway because I had the good luch to be homeschooled for many years of my school life.

"Hi Mary!" Jane greeted from across the room.

"Oh, hi Jane," Mary answered half-heartedly as Jane approached.

See how much better that looks? How much clearer it is? When I was a smol bean with no idea how words worked, I used to be afraid of such short paragraphs, but I'm going to tell you that paragraphs are good. Love them. Make more of them. Don't be shy my friend, make everything spread out. Open concept is IN.

I think you get it, so I'll stop being cringy and go to sleep right after I finish tailoring all of the summer clothes I just got because there was a sale and I won't need for several months to fit me exactly how I want them to. Keep writing my guy, you're doing great, I can't wait to read more of this, maybe join the fandom, we'll see how it goes (I'm in a lot of fandoms).

Hey Jade,

Thanks for the request over on my WRFF! I appreciate it! My style tends to be make comments as I read about anything that stands out to me -- positive or negative! -- and then give a general summary of my thoughts at the end. Let's get started...

Chapter One

This was the worst case of writer's block she had ever encountered.

There was a war going on nearby, the War of Radix, it was named after King Radix of Uliaria, who started it. Their most recent battle, the Battle of Tatum was going on not even ten miles away from Hannah's village, which was called Rynton, and was located in Uliaria.

but Lottie dropped into a low curtsy.

"Nobody here can tell I'm from a two roomed house," she again muttered to herself. "I could," a sharp female voice said from behind Hannah.

To barter off for a petty friendship because my happiness is nothing to anyone!" Lottie said, and she flopped onto her bed, tears in her eyes.

hii jade, sweta here. welcome to YWS. I hope you like it here.

The tile of the story is really good And the story is amazing too. Well, you should have written it earlier since you had this in your mind for 5 years. And it is really. A great piece of work. I enjoyed it a lot. I have read stories about wolves but this one is different and interesting.

Overall work is great. You just need to fix some grammatical mistakes and try to show more information about the characters.

Waiting for the next part to be publish.. Good luck and welcome once again.

I'm abnormal

Hi Jade! Your title really made me curios so here I am for a review!
To start, I will say that it is very good. I like it. I picked up on a few things that need to be edited so here they are!
For one, you wrote mostly in past tense but occasionally you would switch to present tense. just keep an eye on that. It's definitely a tricky thing to remember and I forget it all the time. On to another thing...when you have your characters speaking, I think it would be better if you could separate them into different paragraphs. It is less confusing and will switch up how long your paragraphs are. I know it's tempting to write them in the same one sometimes but it will be easier to read if you separate them. Also, I'm not sure if this is intentional or not but you never did tell us how she got the werewolf off of her. Maybe this was on purpose and I'm just being curios! I thought I would point it out anyways, just in case.
Just so you know, I love how you thought of making her eyes change colors based on her emotions. Especially since that is an effect from having been bitten by a werewolf. That was cool and different and I definitely give you points for thinking outside the box there. Good job!

Nice

I loved this!!!

Hello, JadeLotus. The title of your piece of work had gotten my attention so here I am!

First off, good job on this. I really enjoyed it. When I first read that this had been in your head for 5 years, I instantly liked it. Mostly, because I can totally relate. I have so many ideas swarming in my head, but when I come to put it down on paper, I get lost and can’t seem to find where I want to start. So seeing that you have been able to put this down and write it, is worth an applaud. *clapping* Good job!

Now for the part where I suggest stuff to you. Honestly, I think you have it all. You can really go somewhere with this story. The Werewolves thing about the eye changing color, is really unique. I doubt no one has been able to think of that. There are just a few grammar mistakes that are just not really that big of a deal. I’m sure that if You just reread through it, you would see them.

I really enjoyed this. The setting, the plot, the characters, and the names you came up with for your story were really cool. I can’t wait to read the next chapters.
Your friend,
Morgan

Hey there!
Mira here for a review.
I just wanted to point this out first: this story is amazing, and you shouldn't be so shy about posting it!

Now for the critiques:
- There are some errors in grammar/spelling which you can fix if you look for them.
- You can try giving the backstory piece by piece, embedded in the story. This way it wouldn't take so long to "get into it."
- You should go into more detail about the "Guardians," "Epics," "The War of Radix," etc. Unless you are going to give more information about them in later chapters.

I would really like for you to post more of this story if it isn't too much to ask.
Keep writing,
Miraculor77

I like it, when I red about how there eyes change color based on the emotion sounded. It caught my attention. To me it was ferly interesting I have never heard that in a story about wolves. You put a lot of creativity into this and time.

I did find some spelling errors and there are a few spots you forgot to put comas and periods. Some sentences are either to short or run on. I would try to fix these things. Also I'm kind of lost of what was going on at the beginning. Try to include why they had guards, where she came from, and most basic information about the character.
Either than that its a beautiful piece just a few fixes and it'll be good!