Death

Hi Kyla! I told you that I would come, didn’t I?

Anyway! I really do like the subject of this poem! I have always kind of had a morbid fascination over death, and I remember that, when I was younger, the mere idea of death kind of terrified me, and I would stay up for hours to think about this. Which is incredibly morbid, but eh! Whatever!

I’ve gotten better at this as I’ve gotten older. Yay for religion helping out a terrified person! Still, when I hear about someone dying, it still is rather upsetting.

Now! Your poem! As with all good things, there is definitely room for improvement on your poem! There are a couple of minor typos that I am going to go through.. Some of them have been covered by others, but hey! Reminders are always good. Besides, you can totally edit your piece now, so maybe this will give you incentive to do so.

Death comes with fear,
Death comes with pain
It drives me crazy,
It drives me insane
I don't know why it happens,
I don't know what I'll do
Do I stare it in the eyes,
And say I finally met you ← This is a question! You should end it with a question mark!
Where do I go after death?
After I stand my last stand,
Breath my last breath ← It should be “Breathe my last breath”
I put my hand on my hear, ← “hear” should be “heart”
I can feel the beat
It starts the day I'm born,
And ends the day of my defeat
Does it have to be defeat?
Do I have to be sad?
Do I have to be depressed and mad?
Do I look over people when I'm dead?
Do I say its ok?
Or do I say get over it,
start a new day
The question is there, the question is why
Why do you tear me apart, why do you
make me cry?
The word is death, its dark and cold ← “its” should be “it’s” Think! “It’s” is short for “it is.”
It comes when young,
It comes when old.

The other thing that may really help your skills (because you totally have them) is making sure that your metering is correct. If you look at the syllable count for each of your lines, they’re really… lopsided! These kinds of rhyming poems should have a certain fluidity and an ease in saying… a certain rhythm, if you will! If I read this out loud, I kind of get tripped up because of the lopsidedness.

…I am probably not saying this very well. It’s easier to hear it. If you don’t understand what I am trying to say, just bug me, and I’ll read it out loud for you (yay, youtube!) and you’ll see what I mean.

Anyway! I still adore the content and the questions and the way you struggle with this question. Good job!

Hi, Kyla! I like this piece, it's very thought-provoking. I think somebody already pointed out that you misspelled "heart", but you also misspelled "breathe" the first time you used it. Other than that, though, this piece was brilliant! I loved it.

I don't know I was just tired of things dying around me.. I had like 3 dogs die, and my friend Troy passed away

I love this poem. It's so DEEP! I'm not good at correcting grammar so I'll leave that to sombody else. As I was reading through this, I began wondering what made you sad? What even affected you and helped you create such a beautiful literary piece?

I am here to review your poem, which I liked very much. It has a clear flow that stays constant throughout the entire piece which makes the poem easy I read. I can tell you put some time into it and I love the rhyme scheme. My poems always involve a certain type of scheme and I love to see that in others writings. The simplicity of it works well, because you put death as something that is simple. We all die, and you come to this realization. Good job, I enjoyed this a lot.

I enjoyed this poem because of it’s simplicity yet it invokes strong feelings towards the reader. Also the personification of death is brilliant because it creates an intimate relationship between you and death but if you would have capitalized “death” I think that would had more impact towards the speaker’s point of view. Last but not least, the rhetorical questions are great! They bring out the speaker’s doubt and emphasis the turning point of the poem.

p.s you misspelled heart in line twelve.

Hi! Here to review, lovely. (And I'm a little rusty and a little brash, so please don't mind if you'd like to tell me something is for a stylistic reason - these are just my thoughts and suggestions!)

It's a wonderful piece, but an awfully deep topic, so don't mind me if I mess this up a little!

I think the first thing that caught me about this poem - that is, in the constructive criticism sense - is that you could perhaps have a better sense of punctuation. Punctuation, in itself, provides tones and pauses that a reader, that is, reading online or in a book must infer for themselves, as they can't hear you actually speaking it. Commas for main punctuation and question marks following don't give the reader a very good sense of tone, and can make the poem seem repetitive after a while to a monotonous degree, since the whole thing is basically a collaboration of run-on sentences. Add semicolons, colons, dashes, periods throughout and not just at the end. Personally, in poetry I have a bit of trouble putting punctuation in the right places to make the pauses last the length I want to.

Secondly, diction, or word choice and usage, is the weapon of the poet. The pen is mightier than the sword, remember, so choose your words accordingly! For example, in your series of questions ("Does it have to be...ok?"), you start off strong and challenging, but in your line "Do I have to be depressed and mad?" word choice seems to flounder. I understand the sake of the rhyme, but if it's the sake of the rhyme that's leading the reader nowhere, it's safe to say - change the rhyme. Use strong words, words that will jump out and excite a reader - how mad are you? Aggravated? Furious? Frustrated? I understand not only the sake of the rhyme but that it can be difficult to match word strengths when you 'just write' - I 'just write', and people have been amazed that I can just sit down and jot out some lines, but we really have to remember word strength, because the weight of the poem rests upon its bare bones, which is our diction.

Thirdly, you don't seem to stick to a specific meter, though it appears like you did in the beginning? As this is probably just a stylistic choice, I won't go into much detail with it, because that's the poet's deal. Speaking as a poet, however, meter is also what can lead a reader through the piece, giving them a tempo and a rhythm and flow so they can ride out on the words.

Fourthly, I suggest checking your spelling somewhat! In line 11, the first "breath" should be "breathe", and in line 12 I do believe you meant "heart". In addition, in line 26, "its" should be "it's" - just a few pedantic nitpickings.

Keep writing!

Okay, sorry, review in a different post! I'm still getting used to YWS again. ><

your poem is very sad and heart touching, I like to write poems but mine are not this good