Young Writers Society

Hello buddy! Ariel here to save the day with a review!

Now, nice poem, I say. You are so talented! It was a bit hard to comprehend, for me anyways, but I gather that he abandons his wife to go do a rodeo(s)? Anyways, it was a nice poem. :3

One thing I suggest ia breaking the poem up into stanzas. You know what that is, right? I hope so, otherwise I am doing a terrible job as mentor! XD See, the poem looks too crowded, in my opinion. I suggest breaking them up into four lines per stanza, which is usually the standard.

Next, like SparkOfDoubt said, what happened here?:

I call him crazy.

It really does disrupt the entire flow of the poem. Switching from third to first isn't realy noticible to someone who isn't experienced in reading poetry, but it is a biiiiig mistake and will be noticed by those educated in poetry, like an English professor. I recommend you fix that ASAP, and change "I" to "She".

Another thing is the rhyme scheme. I see that sometimes you'll have one:

He loves to hear them A
Scream his name. B
It's all about the girls, C
All about the fame. B

And at other times in the poem, it isn't present. Not sure if that is intentional or not, I just wated to point it out. If you intended for that to happen, then okay! It's fine, I just wanted to touch upon it.

Well, that's it! Good job, Kyla! I'm proud of you, and this is a beautiful poem. Keep up the good work!

Cheers.~

xx Ariel.

Hellooooo! here as requested!

But he doesn't care,

He has too win again tonight.
He loves to hear them
scream his name.

It's all about the girls,
All about the fame.
She's still there,
sitting by the phone/
All alone.

He drinks another beer,
Along with more pills.

I call him crazy

Hello! Ok, I'm not the best reviewer (I'm still a work in progress...) but I'll try my best
Anyways, let's start! So first off I can see the characters jumping easily from the nice woman to the jerk (I hope it's ok to call him that) that's quite good, considering not everyone can do that so easily. I can see the struggle the woman is suffering for the man...the things people will do for love.*sighs*
I do like the way the rhyme flows, although for it second it kinda got lost but after I read it for like the sixth time (I think...) I saw the flow and the pause (the bump) work perfectly.
But I still got confused in some parts I think it was the format, or was it called the shape, of the poem that makes it a bit woobly in one part.
quote:" 8 seconds, is all he needs.
He'll hold on, till his fingers bleed."
But overall I don't see any problem with the substance of the poem. Keep at it; *whispers* "Because I really enjoyed it!
Until next time
Ary

your poem i think is funny and adorable, i really love how you have kinda to things clashing. like her feelings and his actions.

Hello there Kayla! Dogs here with your review today. You have a good piece to start, a nice idea taking the conception of grand and loved performers and not that great most the time. You keep your grammar simple which always makes my editing job easier. I do have a couple quick points, let's dive in now shall we?

First, I think that maybe you should break this into separate stanzas to organize the thought progression in this piece. So for example, try doing something like this:

"He has a rodeo to go to.
8 seconds, is all he needs.
He'll hold on, till his fingers bleed.

He came for the buckle,"

So on and so forth, I'll leave it up to you where to decide to put in those stanzas, but it just makes it read a little smoother.

"He has a rodeo to go to"

You use "to" twice in this line a little too close in proximity of one another, try editing one of them out or rephrasing the line so it flows smoothly.

"He'll hold on, till his fingers bleed."

I want you to describe this a little more, bring the reader into the moment, as his dry knuckles split and oozed sticky blood. Something along those lines, I know you can do better than my lame efforts right there.

Maybe you should push the brutish characteristics of the "him" in the poem. Maybe have him making out with some girl as you do mention it's all about the girls. I wouldn't suggest going as far as having him porking around with a girl, maybe insinuate it, but don't describe it.

All and all it's a good piece, I like your ending. Good way to bring closure to this piece. I think with a little bit of polishing and what not this good be an excellent piece. Let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh

Hello there dove! First and foremost, welcome to YWS! I hope you love it! And now... the review. It's a great start. I like the different scenario of love. She loves him, he doesn't love, and or, appreciate her. As far as critiquing goes, I noticed that the rhyme scheme is not consistent, so I would suggest working on that, and the flow of the piece as well. I am slightly confused; there are times when you say 'she' and other times you say 'I'. Are they the same person? If so, I would recommend using one or the other. Another thing, try writing out eight instead of using the numeral, it looks better. Like I said, definetly a great start! Keep writing!

Rarity