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Those Three Kings - Prologue

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Prologue

~


Pain. A horrible pain. Throbbing in his chest, scorching heat…like a fire was burning right on his heart. A faint heartbeat followed.

Thump.

His lips were cracked. He was in desperate need of lip balm. His body, specifically his chest, was caked in dry blood. Blood still gushed out from his open wound, creating a pool of the crimson liquid. Maggots started to crawl into his chest wound now, squirming around and feasting on his insides. Birds pecked at his torso and midsection. He actually blushed. He…blushed.

He was alive.

He felt some fragment of pointless emotion: embarrassment. He couldn’t believe that he could feel something different from the persistent pain, which was now consuming his body. The pain radiated from his chest to his arms, then to his hips and legs. He could now feel the maggots, how they made him feel hollow and nasty, though made him feel somewhat hopeful. At least he knew that he was alive, or at least vividly hallucinating.

His right arm bone stuck out three inches out of his skin. Patches of pale flesh were missing from his pitiful body. Bruises, scrapes, cuts, indentions, and incisions. He had it all.

Thump, thump.

He tried to inhale. His chest hurt a little more each breath. He moved his fingers around.

They moved.

He breathed in through his nose this time. What baffled him the most was the smell of a dead body. Not the metallic smell of blood, or even the stench of filth. His mind raced. His heartbeat got quicker.

Thump, thump, thump, thump.

The constant noise of life, beating like a bass drum.

Was he decaying? He was attacked only a few days ago...or…

“You are confused, aren’t you, boy?” a deep, deep voice startled him. It took away the piercing ring of silence. He tried to open his eyes, but he couldn’t. “No, no…do not stress yourself, Darius. There is no need in that.”

The voice didn’t stop speaking. “We will do this either the easy way or the hard way. I have saved your mortal life, but it will not last for long.” Slow breaths and a heartbeat were the only noise remaining after the voice spoke.

Again, he persisted to open his eyes. He was physically not able to. He tried to gulp down the growing lump in his throat, which tightened by the second. Another emotion appeared, one that the boy had quite often in his life: fear.

“Do not fear me. I can sense your emotions, Darius.”


Silence followed. The voice seemed to clear its throat. The boy then identified the voice as an older man.

He was slowly gaining back his senses and emotions. He could feel the stone cold cobblestone beneath him, could feel the chilly breeze of February wind. A new feeling which was completely foreign to him washed his sensitive senses: he was utterly terrified. Who was the man? And what did he want?

“If you want to live again, if you feel like you did not deserve to perish like this, then you will lend me your soul and travel with me forever. You will do everything that I say without a doubt. There are good sides to this, though. You will live healthily, never have to die, etcetera… What do you say, boy?”

Without even thinking, he tried to nod. He didn’t deserve to die.

“Alright, Darius Aubrey. I declare your soul…alive and young…is now mine. I shall take it to the Soul Keeper and let him take care of it. Do not worry, Darius. I, Xzanis, will keep you safe. Your immortal name will be Fear.”

Fear, he thought.

And that was where it all started.

Comments & reviews · 3
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I realized I never reviewed this. I've got a few minutes before I have to go so let's see if I can do this!
I love love LOVE this prologue! Many people struggle creating a prologue, because some people don't understand that a prologue takes place before the story. So good job on presenting a prologue correctly!
Right away we can kind of see what's happening here: Xzanis is bringing Damien back to life! I liked how in the beginning we just knew that a poor man was dying, then all of a sudden immortality and soul taking! Yay!
Anyway, this was great! Keep writing!

Random avatar
JM
Review
JM wrote a review · Sat Jan 03, 2015 11:26 am

Reading this, I actually squirmed from the graphic way you describe the poor guy's pain and torment. It was quite distressing or maybe I am just too sensitive. But yes, I really liked your prologue.
There is a lot you left unexplained I am curious about. This is of course the response you want from your reader to get them to read on. There is a great element of mystery surrounding this scene and I want to know more. Do upload more of this story if you have written it, if not, get on with it! Best wishes :)

Haha, thanks. XD
Yay! I'm so excited to upload some more today. I have a lot written, but I will revise it.
Have a great day! (And thank you so much for the review! I really appreciate your kind words! ;) )

Hi Kortez!

First of all, welcome to YWS! If you have any questions you can ask me. You could also go on the forums or ask anyone, really. :)

So onto the review now. I'll start with a few critiques.

Throbbing in his chest, scorching heat… like a fire was burning right on his heart.

So for ellipses, the word after it should be capitalized if it's starting a new sentence. For example:
I don't know... What do you think?
If it's used in the middle of a thought, don't capitalize and don't add a space either. Example:
I don't know...just try again later.
There are several ellipses used here, so read through and apply this to them.

His heartbeat got quicker.

Just a suggestion, but I think 'got' doesn't really flow well. Maybe try 'grew'?

That's all I found! I really loved this prologue. It was so descriptive and interesting.

His right arm bone stuck out three inches out of his skin.

This sentence is so vivid. I love it, haha. Just the thought makes me cringe.

I also loved the part where he was in need of lip balm. I don't know why, but loved that part too. The idea of this story is really intriguing too. If you post more, I'll definitely read it!

Overall, this was an amazing start. Keep writing! :)

~Snow

Oh, thank you! Thanks for the advice. I will make sure to use it. ;)
(Haha, when I saw the review, I was like, "OH MY GOSH!!" And I was so ecstatic. <3 Thank you for your review. :D )
Have a great day!

Haha, your welcome! I know the feeling :) Have a great day also! (Not sure how to make that less awkward sounding :/ haha)



Fairy Tales are more than true; not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten.
— G.K. Chesterton