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Those Three Kings - Chapter Four (Part One)

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Hello, all Those Three Kings readers~! <3 Kortez here, and I just want for you guys to know that this chapter has two parts to it. I split the chapter in half just because it would have been around 4,000- 5,000 words, and I know that that's pretty long. ^^; And thanks for reading~! <3 Anywho, onto the chapter!

~

Four

~

Xzalliff exhaled, tightly squeezing her eyes shut. “I’m so nervous, Bianca,” she said. Her friend gently took her hand. “What if someone purchases me?”

“They won’t,” Bianca replied, petting his master’s shiny hair. “Don’t worry, Xzalliff. The price is far too high. No one can even think about affording you.”

Bianca always told Xzalliff what she wanted to hear all of her life. He always wanted to please the girl, or else her parents would personally get rid of him. He stroked his mistress's skeletal hand with an uneasy feeling in his gut. What if she was bought for some reason? He would lose his best friend, his job, his home…

Bianca shook his head and returned his gaze on his mistress. He shifted in the carriage seat, trying to not stare at her, though he just couldn’t stop. She was attractive to him, but he always made himself keep a distance from her. Even though she was an awkward person, he still thought that she was beautiful.

She was awkwardly tall- as tall as her older brothers and just a few inches shorter than him, had such weird proportions- her legs took most of her body’s height, lacked curves, and had such a flat chest compared to others, but he still thought that she was beautiful in her own way. Her hair went down to her waist, which was rare for female Shadows, and was always softly curled like her mother’s. No one really knew where her purple hair came from, but her parents always suspected that she got it from her older brother, Charm. Her cheekbones were high, though it always made her look horribly ill, and her ghostly white skin contributed to it. She took the high cheekbones from her father, definitely, but her mother gave her most of her features.

Her whole entire body was boney, and Bianca knew it for a fact since he bathed her every day of her life. Also, her hands were just bones, like her tail. Her hands were skeletal hands, exactly like her father’s. Only her father and Xzalliff had the trait, so Bianca always suspected it had something to do with their development inside of their mothers. Her wings were a soft black color, and she could pull and push them into and out of her back at any given time. They were feathery but silky, and during a molt they were a pain. Her eyes always stayed a deep burgundy most of the time, though she could change them occasionally. She would always change them to either blue or yellow, whatever she felt like when she could.

Xzalliff never got to leave her home because people would try to steal her or kill her, so she always sat next to the window of the carriage and savored the sights she took in when she went into and out of the city to go to the auction house. Her father, Ellehctileavious, sat right in front of her in the other carriage seat, along with two of her brothers. The family had to take many carriages just to go places since they were such a large family.

“No holding hands,” Ellehctileavious snapped. “You can only hold my hand.”

Xzalliff grinned and let go of her butler’s hand as the carriage bumped and shook. “Alright,” she said. She looked out of the window with awe and amazement. The sights were new and beautiful to her.

“Xzalliff?” Jak, her brother, asked, his empty eye sockets big and wide.

His sister snapped out of her awe and answered her little brother. “Yes, Jak?”

“Will you come home tonight?” he asked with a significant innocence.

“Yes,” Ellehctileavious quickly interrupted, nodding. “She will be coming home.”

Xzalliff grinded her teeth and dug her claws into her palms. She tried to smile and nod at her little brother, though an empty feeling washed her senses. The girl laid her head on her butler’s shoulder as he patted her knee. He whispered into her ear, “You look gorgeous today.”

“Thanks,” Xzalliff muttered. She glanced at her little brother, then at her father. Jak was leaning on their father, all snuggled up, and was asleep. Even though he was thirteen, Jak could still pull off the little kid act and be adorable.

His soft green hair was always in low pigtails, and he always had a red scarf and mittens on. Always. Even if he wore a blue suit, he always had to wear his red scarf and mittens. Xzalliff had always loved Jak more than anything in her lifetime. Still, she was just one year older than him, but she felt like he was more than her little brother. He was one of her only true friends.

“Xzalliff,” her father said, trying to be quiet to not wake Jak up.“Remember to be respectful and kind to everyone. If you mess up once, then you could hurt yourself and maybe even ruin me.”

“How could I ruin you, father? I’m my own person,” replied Xzalliff, sitting up a bit straighter in her seat. She yawned and rubbed her eyes. Xzalliff looked out of the window once more and smiled at the black trees, but frowned when the horses stopped at the auction house, which was more like a mansion.

“My reputation, dear. You could ruin my reputation,” her father sighed. He gently shook Jak and smiled. “Wake up, son. We’re here.”

Xzalliff’s stomach curled into tense, tight knots as Bianca hopped out of the carriage and took her hand. “Ladies first, Mr. Indigo,” Bianca said to Xzalliff’s father with a wink. Xzalliff’s boney palms got sweaty as she stepped out of the carriage. It soon became hard to breathe through all of the worry and anxiousness she was carrying with her.

She accidentally took the wrong step and tripped, her face smashing against the pavement. She howled in pain, though soon regained her sanity and wiped the blood off of her nose. Her father rushed over to her and scooped her up from the ground.

“Oh, sweetheart,” he pet her hair and patted her head. “We’ll get you all cleaned up. Don’t worry… Just don’t ruin your dress, please.”

Yeah, my nose is pouring blood and all you care about is the dress, Xzalliff thought with a roll of her eyes. She stood up as her father dabbed a handkerchief on her nose. As she was in her father’s arms, she glanced around the lot congested with carriages and horses. She could only imagine the number of people and creatures inside, which only made her anxiety levels double.

A frigidly cold, spine chilling wind tore through the air. “Let’s get you inside. Don’t worry one thing about your nose. Mother and I will get you nice and ready for the auction, alright?”

Xzalliff merely nodded as she hopped out of her father’s arms and shook her head. “Father, must I do this? Do I really have to? Because I think that I am going to vomit. Not even the pain of my nose occupies my thoughts long enough to get my mind off of being nervous.”

“The anxiety will subside soon enough.” The man grabbed his daughter’s arm and yanked. He led her up the ivory and marble stairs and into the diamond-studded doors.

When the two walked inside, Xzalliff gasped and held her hands over her mouth. Inside of the auction house was gorgeous, just as she remembered it…but better. High ceilings, a fabulous diamond chandelier, polished ivory flooring, a velvet red carpet, and portraits of various people on the wall, including Xzalliff’s mother and her. The hallway was lit nice and bright, courtesy of the candles mounted on the beige walls. A handful of people were at the entrance playing harps and violins quite gracefully. There were people going every direction, crowding up the hallway, and some even stopped to take pictures of the family with their vintage cameras.

The rest of the family, a few maids, and Bianca followed Xzalliff’s father and her to the powder room where she would be absurdly fixed up. Down a few hallways they went, and only her father entered the powder room with her, since it would be packed with stylists and assistants. The power room was small and cramped, though had a few large corners where the workers could lounge and converse. Once the two were inside, Xzalliff was quickly put in a chair as a stylist with four arms and three legs applied dark makeup to her face and cleaned up her nose.

“You’re going to look fabulous, dear,” he beamed as he brushed her cheekbones with some shade of blush. “Oh, I bet that you’re a proud father, Ellehctileavious.” Still putting makeup on the adolescent, the stylist tried to converse with her father.

In a whisper, he replied, “The proudest.”

Xzalliff looked at her father with a gulp, remembering what he told her that morning. She and her father exchanged awkward glances. She looked down, though the stylist placed two fingers underneath her chin and tilted it up. “Chin up, sweetheart,” the stylist said, occupied with her face.

After half an hour of nervousness for Xzalliff, the stylist finally finished both her makeup and hair. He placed a black headband that looked like weeds and tangles studded with three red jewels on her head. He ran a hand on her face and smiled. “You look great, dear. Remember: keep your chin up. And smile for everyone,” the stylist reminded Xzalliff.

Ellehctileavious stepped out of the powder room as Xzalliff got out of her seat. As she put her hand on the doorknob to leave, she felt a finger poke her shoulder. She turned around. “Yes?”

What she saw scared her a bit. There was a very tall man in a hooded black cloak behind her, and he just stood there with a wine glass in his hand. He looked around before splashing the dark mahogany liquid onto her dress. Xzalliff gasped, “My parents are going to kill me! What was that for?”

He forcefully grabbed her wrist and took her to a dark corner in the surprisingly large powder room, which became less and less crowded. “Looks like you’re going to need to change, darling.” And with that, he took his hood off.

Xzalliff gasped and turned away, but the man pulled the girl back to him. He snickered and twirled a piece of her hair around one of his fingers, all of his razor sharp teeth exposed in a wide smile.

His hair was practically the same color as Xzalliff’s; purple, but a few shades darker. He had high cheekbones on his slim face, and his skin was completely white, maybe even transparent. He was gigantic; not wide, but he was so very tall. Xzalliff estimated that he was probably around seven feet tall. His lips were thin and pale. But the feature that stood out most to her was his empty eye sockets. Though it didn’t really surprise her since Jak and her mother had no eyes, this man was....different. The thick black cloak covered the rest of his body, so Xzalliff couldn’t really see the rest of his body, but she could just imagine…

“Do you like me?” he grinned with an eerie giggle as he started to rub the girl’s shoulders. Xzalliff frowned and jerked the man’s hands off of her. The man just laughed in reply and continued to pet her. His fingers were long and ice cold on her bare shoulders, which gave her chills.

“Please, just let me go,” Xzalliff said, irritated and scared. She started to tremble in fear, balling her hands into fists.

“Well, get used to me, darling,” the man purred, putting his lips to her ear. “Because there’s more to me than you think.”

Before Xzalliff pushed the man away, she asked, “What is your name?” She stared into his gaping eye sockets and shuddered yet again.

“Just call me the Soul Keeper,” he smirked. “That’s all that you need to know for now.” He suddenly let go of her before winking as the girl hastily ran away from the man, not even bothering to look back.

Comments & reviews · 6
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Apricity
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Heyo love, I'm back again~

Let's get to it, glad to see your chapters are getting better and that your voice is getting smoother. However, there are a few problems in this chapter. First off, let's kick off with your descriptions, which I think was placed earlier in your story detailing Xza's looks and where she inherited them from.

She was awkwardly tall- as tall as her older brothers and just a few inches shorter than him, had such weird proportions- her legs took most of her body’s height, lacked curves, and had such a flat chest compared to others, but he still thought that she was beautiful in her own way. Her hair went down to her waist, which was rare for female Shadows, and was always softly curled like her mother’s. No one really knew where her purple hair came from, but her parents always suspected that she got it from her older brother, Charm. Her cheekbones were high, though it always made her look horribly ill, and her ghostly white skin contributed to it. She took the high cheekbones from her father, definitely, but her mother gave her most of her features.
Her whole entire body was boney, and Bianca knew it for a fact since he bathed her every day of her life. Also, her hands were just bones, like her tail. Her hands were skeletal hands, exactly like her father’s. Only her father and Xzalliff had the trait, so Bianca always suspected it had something to do with their development inside of their mothers. Her wings were a soft black color, and she could pull and push them into and out of her back at any given time. They were feathery but silky, and during a molt they were a pain. Her eyes always stayed a deep burgundy most of the time, though she could change them occasionally. She would always change them to either blue or yellow, whatever she felt like when she could.

*deep breaths*
Ok, there are several problems with the quoted paragraph. First off, the two paragraphs was an info dump on both Xza’s appearance and family heritage. It wasn’t particular heavy loaded because you have a very light writing style, however squishing all that information together isn’t going to do any good for your story. There are other ways to distribute that information along the way; her wing colours could have been described in the earlier chapters or maybe even when she was getting into the carriage. The same goes for her cheekbones, we also don’t really need to know where she inherited her features from because frankly it doesn’t make a difference.
Just a question here, her butler bathed her every day? Ummm…I don’t know if that’s feasible or not. Isn’t she capable of bathing herself? Alright, look at the second paragraph where I highlighted it green. You used boney [which should be spelt bony] several times, I think you should opt for a different word that also conveys the same imagery. A metaphor or simile would do the trick. The sentences you have there is also quite long-winded, you repeated ‘her hands’ twice , instead of saying that just combined it into one. ‘Her hands like her tail were also bony.’
So I noticed something about her purple hair…you said that she didn’t inherit it from her parents but from her brother Charm. Except they’re siblings…so whatever Charm inherited it would be from his parents. On the eyes now, I don’t know why I’m so pedantic about this. Instead of going full-on eye description, I think you should try and elaborate on why she can change her eye colours at will. Your descriptions are lovely, but sometimes they’re a bit long-winded and slightly logically flawed. So just watch out in the future, sometimes less is more.

Xza’s had people who wanted to kill her in the streets; some explanation for this would be good. Why do people want to kill her? I thought she lived in her own kingdom…

“Will you come home tonight?” he asked with a significant innocence.

Ahh, you can’t really describe innocence as importance/significant. I’m not sure what word you were going
His soft green hair was always in low pigtails, and he always had a red scarf and mittens on. Always. Even if he wore a blue suit, he always had to wear his red scarf and mittens. Xzalliff had always loved Jak more than anything in her lifetime. Still, she was just one year older than him, but she felt like he was more than her little brother. He was one of her only true friends.

Info-dump on description again, do we really need to know what Jak looks like? So, they’re close friends, but I didn’t quite get that vibe to be honest. Perhaps expand their previous scene a bit more so we get some more history with them, and instead of describing. I think you should show us how close they are. Here is an article that shows you how to use descriptions to add feeling.

She accidentally took the wrong step and tripped, her face smashing against the pavement. She howled in pain, though soon regained her sanity and wiped the blood off of her nose. Her father rushed over to her and scooped her up from the ground.

*chuckles* I’m sorry, I had this comical image of her flailing her arms before smashing her face flat against it. Though can you actually elaborate a bit more how she tripped to cause her fall so tragically? Usually when people trip, they just stumble a bit and regain their balance. Unless she’s super clumsy or something, here’s a thought for you. This whole tripping was to lead her to the powder room yes, so what if say she felt something unnatural that pushed her at the moment and she fell? Hence foreshadowing Soul’s presence.
LOL, he looked around before pouring the wine down her dress. I doubt he cares about what other people thinks, he’d just snatch her up anyways. Which brings me to the question why he had to pour that wine down; he could have approached her and I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t have made a difference.




So that brings me to the end of this review, glad to see some more character development in here. I’m curious to know what will happen next, keep me updated! If you have any questions, please feel free to ask me just bring a cookie along.

-Flite

Hi, Flite! :)
First off, thank you for the review! <3 I really appreciate it.

GAH. You're right, it is an information dump. I'll fix it. ^u^

XD I'm glad that you envisioned it. :D

Haha, Soul Keeper's just like that. XD I love him.

Ah, thank you! I'll make sure to keep you updated. ^^ (I'll bring a cookie <3)

Thank you once again! :D Have a great day! ^u^

Hello dearie!
I finally got around to reading this! Yay!
Okay, let's get to it.
It was awesomely descriptive and detailed. Good job on that! I especially love the description of the auction house.
Onto the characters... You portrayed Mr. Indigo as an obsessive, dominant father. A lot of people struggle to portray that kind of personality, and you've done a great job at it. Also, I really liked the Soul Keeper part and the suspense you created with Ms. Indigo was taken.
Well, that's all I've got to say. Keep writing sis!
-Flash

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Z3R0
Comment

Awesome story as usual!

User avatar
Z3R0
Review
Z3R0 wrote a review · Mon Jan 12, 2015 5:09 am

Hey senpai in training! (Kortez)

You ask how does one repay someone who reviews their work, review them duh!
So I am here to review you since you are so sweet to help me with my stories.

(@Flite go away I KNOW I SPELL THINGS WRONG STAHP IT, ~\(3.3)/-come at me bro~ I completely understand ok, mate that doesn’t bloody mean to come at my review telling me to spell something right, go be a butt somewhere else lol jk calm senpai #2 )


Ok so first off just like to get out there that I’m still wondering what species is Xzalliff, you go into detail I see with her appearance saying she has these features from her father and those from her mother. I haven’t seen you specifically say a name of anytime to categories what she is. I read in a reply you said you did indeed confirm they were another species. Which by the way I’d like to add, you used the work “molt” being used as her shedding in a way her feathers to make way for new one. Then she has a tail, I see you did specify that her wings did have feathers, but does her tail? If it does I think that should be also pointed out, because if not it kind of seems that she has a “The great and powerful Oz” monkey thing going on. Which is completely fine, if it is what you want to do that’s ok. It’s just my advice weather you take it or not is to try to be extremely distinguished between your stories another someone else’s. One of the things you don’t want your reader to be thinking is “OMG THIS IS JUST LIKE HARRY POTTER” . Which this is just an example your story isn’t like that book to what I perceive, and I say that because someone else might totally think that. That’s why said to be ~extremely~, just something to set you apart because I don’t know about everybody else, but I don’t like a cliché story. Anyways more on topic, don’t be worried about your chapters being too long. Limiting yourself to a certain word count I think is unnecessary, and you should go until you meat a natural pause. I write in about 2,500 to 3,500 word intervals. It’s just how my mind works, but if you write over like 5,000 that’s absolutely fine. You should write your chapter like your sentences I was taught, never the same length. You want to make some short maybe, some long, some just right . For example would u want to read 10,000 (small) word stories or read 90,000 (average) word stories with one more information and two DEVELOPMENT aka the Holy Grail of novel writing. Also adding having a short chapter for some needed development is fine. Most teen books I believe are about 50,000 words, and the most should be about 100,000 words. That should give you a pretty good guideline, unless your JK Rolling’s and like being the kid in glass bringing the teacher an apple and writing 198,000 word books, yeah! Anyways really loved the story and how Xzalliff’s butler announced his feelings about her in a way. Hoping for that kiss, some day maybe…

ANYWAYS looking forward to next chapter!

~Edit~ So i also realized is the shadow people the species she is?
If so are soul keeper and his brother also shadow people, then what does that make Bianca Xzalliffs butler also a shadow person, or just a human? Then also is their a class divide between human (if any) and shadow people, like one are servants and one are high class?

I think these answer should be answered if not already planned.

Hi~! <3
(I really need to find a nickname for you. I'm senpai in training, so... I need to find one for you~. ^u^ )

^u^
Oh, and I actually did specify what species Xzalliff is. ^^

Riiight here, ". . . which was rare for female Shadows,"

Nope. Her tail doesn't. ^u^ (I'll probably clarify that in the next part, so don't worry. ^^ And I've never seen "The Wizzard of Oz", actually. I'm guessing that these monkey things have tails made of bones? ^u^)

I've actually had people in the past tell me that my chapters were too long and that no one would read them. ^n^ (On Fanfiction... I had chapters up to 9,500 words.) But you're totally right. I should just write as much as I want to. ^u^

(About Xzalliff and Bianca)- Maybe, maybe not~. <3

Bianca's species shall be revealed soon. . . with a plot twist. XD
And nope, there are no humans in this story. At all. Just weird species and wild creatures who lurk in realms, looking for acceptance... ;)

Anywho~. ^u^

Thank you so, SO much for the review and kind words! <3 <3 I really appreciate it~!

Have a great afternoon! ;)

thanks for answering that stuff!
But you didn't specify what Soul keeper and his brother were? Are they also shadow people (since they have wings and tail)

In the last chapter, I put that Skrap was a Forbidden Shadow (a type of Shadow, and since Soul Keeper is his twin, he is one, too. ^^)

Hi!
I'm back again with a review for you. So let's go...

She was awkwardly tall- as tall as her older brothers and just a few inches shorter than him, had such weird proportions- her legs took most of her body’s height, lacked curves, and had such a flat chest compared to others, but he still thought that she was beautiful in her own way.

This is a really long sentence. It would flow better when reading if it was cut into two sentences. Maybe ending the first one after 'proportion', then starting the next sentence with 'her'.

“How could I ruin you, father? I’m my own person,”

Is she being sarcastic? I figure since she's been to the auctioning so many times that he wouldn't have to remind her, and if he did, she would just reply with a quick 'yes, Father'. I just think that because she does try to be very proper, I guess around her parents especially.

The thick black cloak covered the rest of his body, so Xzalliff couldn’t really see the rest of his body,

'the rest of his body' is redundant. You could change it to ", so Xzalliff couldn't make out his figure.' That doesn't sound the best, haha. Sorry, just play around with it. :)

And that's all! Oh, I do want to ask how to pronounce Xzalliff and also her father's name? I want to make sure I'm reading their names correctly.

So, as always, I loved the description of the characters' appearances. Purple hair, green hair, and empty eye sockets, haha. It's so unique.
I know last chapter I said Soul Keeper is my favorite character so far, but this chapter brought him down a couple pegs in my book. While I was reading the end I was like, please don't be Soul Keeper, please don't be Soul Keeper.

But it was Soul Keeper. >.< He came across so creepy! However, I am liking Xzalliff's character. So Soul Keeper was brought down and Xzalliff is moving up haha. I don't know exactly what it is I like about her. I just know I do :)

Can't wait to see what happens next!

~Snow

P.S. Congrats on Chapter Three (I think) making it onto the Literary Spotlight!

Hi, Snow~! <3

Ah. That sentence IS very long! DX I'll have to fix it. You're totally, completely right. ^^

Yep! Just trying to be proper. ^u^

Ahh!! I'll change the cloak thing, too. <3

And, I'm actually pretty happy that you thought that Soul Keeper was creepy. (XD) The reason being is because I didn't know if I was making him seem eerie enough. XD But, he may win you back sometime... so, we'll just see~. And thank you! I'm really happy that you like Xzalliff, as well. ^^ Thank you!!

Thank you! It was only there for a night (I think), but I was so ecstatic. It was great while it lasted. ^^

(Sorry for not replying sooner, I just got really busy with my school project and such. ^^)

Thank you SO MUCH for the review!! <3 <3 <3 I really appreciate it. ^^

Have a wonderful afternoon~! ^u^



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