The Soul Keeper unlocked the jewel encrusted lock, opened the heavy iron door, and closed it with a deep shutting noise. He quietly entered the library, straining to keep walking on the tips of his toes. When he was inside, he inhaled. His pale lips curled upwards in a relaxed smile.
“Well, children, I guess it’s just you guys and me,” the red clad man mumbled under his warm breath. He strode over to the tall bookshelves that towered over the man with excitement in his gait. The man pushed his thick purple hair out of his face for a few moments and ran two boney fingers across the dingy shelves. Though what occupied the shelves was something far from books.
Jars filled with chemicals and eyeballs sat idly on their shelves, just waiting for their owner to open up the jar’s lid and pop one into his mouth. The Soul Keeper picked a jar, gently took it off of the shelf, and unscrewed the lid. He skewered one of the now soft eyeballs onto one of his long claws and marveled at it, his mouth dripping with saliva.
“Oh, you’re about to make my stomach happy,” he cooed at the nonliving object. He opened his mouth very wide, exposing every single one of his jagged, uneven razors for teeth. The Soul Keeper put the claw with the eyeball into his mouth, scraping his claw on his tooth, which made the same screeching noise when you scratched a chalkboard.
The eyeball slid into his mouth effortlessly, though some vitreous got stuck on his claw, which the man sucked off and grinned. He gnashed his teeth down, chewing the eyeball into some sort of gelatinous mass and swallowed it with a satisfying gulp. The Soul Keeper hummed in happiness, rubbing his very flat stomach in an eerie delight.
Once he finished the entire jar, which held around twelve, he put the jar back onto the shelf, only for it to be refilled and used again until it cracked.
The tall man turned around to the other side of the library and stared at the much cleaner, nicer bookshelves. They too had jars on them, but they were filled with something much more important than a mere snack for the Soul Keeper.
They held the item that gave the man his name. They held the item that meant everything to him.They held all of the souls that he collected during his lifetime.
The Soul Keeper squealed and scurried over to the bookshelves, his smile growing wider and wider by the second. “Children!” he exclaimed, holding his arms out. He giggled and picked up one jar.
“Oh, I remember inhaling you. So sweet and delicious, though I decided to keep your memories trapped inside of your soul…” the Soul Keeper purred, rubbing the jar. He held it tightly to his chest and cradled it like it was a child. “Such great memories you have…a loving mother and father, siblings that simply adored you, a grandmother who thought the world of you…such a loss when you died, Mary.”
He carefully returned the soul’s jar back on the shelf. “I guess that I should go and talk to Skrap…” And with that, the Soul Keeper grabbed his stuffed toy and exited his library.
~
There Skrap sat in the dungeon, his boney back exposed to the bars, though his gigantic set of wings kept him warm. His shiny, long black and green hair contributed to keeping him warm, since he only had was a thin shirt and pair of pants. His exposed ribs flexed each time he breathed, which wasn’t quite accurate, since the air was thick and dusty down in the dungeon. Skrap pushed his glasses back on his nose and pressed two fingers on each temple. “Nothing yet,” he sighed, a puff of cold air coming out of his mouth.
Another thing that bothered him was that Shadows couldn’t be in the cold for long. Especially Forbidden Shadows like himself, though those horrible monsters that claimed to be understanding and compassionate people locked him down in the dungeon centuries ago.
Why was he treated this way? It was all because of that stupid brat, Fear. Such a snob.
Prince Fear, Master Xzanis called him. Prince. And… if anyone was a prince, it would be Skrap… but they would never see it.
Skrap pulled his tail made of bones around his bottom, and wrapped it around his thighs. They put Skrap down in the dungeon centuries ago, since he was too powerful, they called it. Skrap always thought that the reason was something to do with that Fear brat.
He suddenly heard a noise. Giggles.
Soul Keeper… Skrap thought. Good times, when we were kids. My…own… brother… My identical twin brother would keep me locked in this stupid dungeon? This…this is all his fault.
“Skrap!” Soul Keeper sang. “What are you up to?”
Skrap grunted and crossed his arms. “What do you want, Damien?”
He looked behind him and saw his twin brother, staring at him with a sweet smile. He had his hands tightly squeezed together, a habit he did when he wanted something. “Tell me. Tell me all of your visions.”
“What makes you think that I would tell you, the person who trapped me here hundreds of years ago, hm?” Skrap hissed, but he still tried to maintain a significant calmness. “I’ve wasted a good chunk of my life down here, for your information.”
“Because we’re brothers… And brothers love each other, and-“
“That’s a lie, Damien. I know you better than you know yourself.”
Soul Keeper was silent for a little while. In a sweet, almost childlike voice, he said, “I really do love you, Skrap. This is what is best for you. You’re just too powerful…and when you tried to bury me alive… I…”
“You deserved it, Damien. You were horrible to me. And you still are. I don’t know about what kind of wickedness grew into you... what tainted our friendship, our brotherly love… we were best friends, Damien,” Skrap was calm. “I don’t know if I can ever forgive you.”
Skrap felt Soul Keeper’s hand gently stroke one of his wings. “Tell me what you’ve saw.”
Silence fell. An eerie silence, at that.
“Come on in. Take a seat,” Skrap whispered, breaking the awkward silence.
After Soul Keeper was all settled in, sitting in front of his identical twin brother, markings that looked like weeds and tangles grew all over Skrap, and something was glowing behind his glasses. “There is a girl, Damien. A Shadow girl.”
The Soul Keeper’s mouth dropped wide open and he gasped. “Continue! Continue!”
Skrap looked around. “If you will take me to a clean room, and let me stay there, I will tell you anything that you want to know.”
Soul Keeper nodded in a frantic way, grabbing his brother’s hands, ripping the bars off of the cell, and ran up to the mansion. “Xzanis! Xzanis! Skrap has a vision!” Soul Keeper’s voice echoed throughout the entire palace.
A booming voice shouted in reply, “Don’t bring that filthy animal up here!”
Soul Keeper skipped up the spiral staircase, which led to Xzanis’s study. The Soul Keeper squeezed his brother’s clawed hand and yanked his arm. “Come on, slow poke!” Soul Keeper laughed in a shrill giggle. “You’re slow!”
Skrap extended his long legs into a sprint. His brother was extremely quick, especially when he was excited. “I don’t want to see Xzanis, Damien,” Skrap said with hatred. “I hate that man.”
“No, it’s Prince Fear that you hate,” Soul Keeper reminded his brother.
“I hate both of them. I
despise that little brat, Fear,” Skrap said as he sprinted.
“We’re here,” Soul Keeper mumbled, coming to a halt. Two gigantic doors encrusted with jewels, diamonds, and precious stones stood in front of the two.
“I don’t want to go in,” Skrap stubbornly growled.
“A Shadow girl. That’s important. We need to slay it, as the Octaviax says,” the Soul Keeper said with a child’s enthusiasm, though a significant darkness lurked in the back of it.“And sever it while it’s still alive. Suck up her soul. Burn the remains. Chop up its brain and feed it to my souls. Drink the rich, syrupy blood in a silver chalice, you know? We must torture it. Fun times.”
“I don’t think that you
understand that-“ And before Skrap could finish, his brother dragged him into
the study.
There sat a man with electric blue hair, pale grey skin with scales, boney skeleton hands, iridescent yellow eyes with slits for pupils with a relaxed look glazed over them, curled white lips with an evil smirk smeared on them, sharp canines along with five snakes for tongues, a long unicorn horn on the top of his forehead, and slim feet with yellow claws. He tilted his head and smiled. He had the reflexes of a cat; quick and sly. A golden crown rested upon his head, and he wore a black suit. “What is this about a Shadow girl, Skrap?” he asked, a smile cracking on his white lips.
“The girl is ready…mature enough…at fourteen years.” Skrap looked down and shuffled his feet.
“Great!” Xzanis laughed. “When will the auction start?”
“Thirteen o’clock in the Octavius Realm,” Skrap replied.
“We better get going, then! Realm traveling does take quite a while!” Xzanis exclaimed. He clapped his hands twice. Two young women slowly walked out of the dark corners of the room.
Their skin was pale and as smooth as porcelain. Their hair was light, tied back in a ponytail, curled in corkscrew curls. Their lips seemed to be stitched together, and all of their joints had stitches and twine. They had dark makeup, which made their faces look even paler. They were dressed in Victorian-looking dresses, only shorter, and they had aprons. Cranks extended out of their back, like wind-up dolls.
“Girls,” Xzanis said, “please bathe and dress Mr. Skrap here appropriately. And ready the beasts. We are going to an auction, to pursue the Octaviax’s words.”
The two girls nodded, took Skrap by the arms, and led him into a powder room.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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The school week is over and I finally have some time! Haha, this was the first on my to-review list. So let's jump right in.
So this sentence confused me a little. I think it's referring to Soul Keeper, right? And if so, is he a man?
Then I read later on in the chapter that he's Skrap's brother, and he's a Forbidden Shadow. So is Soul Keeper a Forbidden Shadow (or just Shadow... Not sure how it works)? Are Shadows just a special type of human? I thought they were an entirely different species.
It says his back and his ribs are exposed, but he's still wearing a shirt. When reading that he's exposed, I imagined that if I was standing there next to him, I would be able to see the skin on his bony back and ribs.
So when it says he's wearing a shirt, I was a little thrown off. Maybe he's exposed because the shirt is thin? Is it a well-worn shirt that maybe has some tears or holes in it?
I feel like this sounds kinda weird. Maybe that's on purpose? I don't know enough about the characters and their... Kind, I guess? Haha. But if it was a regular human, I think we'd say 'seen' instead of 'saw'. Or just get rid of "you've". Either way works.
That's all for the nitpicks! I liked the interaction between Soul Keeper and Skrap. And oh, I loved the beginning, where Soul Keeper is talking to jars and eating eyeballs. That's so gross, but he loved it haha. He's definitely my favorite character so far.
Though this story is a really fun and intriguing, it would be nice to know what everything means. I want to know more about the world they live in and about the characters. But it's only three chapter in, so I guess I can't complain too much haha.
I guess I'll just have to keep reading, so long as you keep posting, to find out more! Happy writing.
~Snow
Hello, Snow~! ^u^
And no, the Shadow species just has the body shape of a human. I'll explain about Shadows in the next few chapters, so don't worry. ^u^

He's exposed because the shirt is thin. ^^

Thank you for the review, first off. I really appreciate it! <3
Soul Keeper is a man. <3 He just has long purple hair, because he's kind of emo and that's just how the Shadow species is.
And yes, Soul Keeper is a Forbidden Shadow, just like Skrap.
Yep.
It's on purpose, yep! ^^
Yay! Yes, Soul Keeper is one of my favorites, too. He's just so odd, but I love it. <3 Thank you!! That makes me feel so happy~! ^u^
Just give it some time. ^u^ Everything will be explained.
Thank you so much for the review and kind words once again! <3
I hope that you have a great night and or day! <3
Thanks for clearing everything up!
Hello Kortez! I'm all caught up with your chapters (finally). I'm going to suggest something if you ever decided to rewrite this. This is chapter three, however I think this would have actually made more sense if you put it as chapter one. Two reasons why. In here, you've given us background on who Soul Keeper is and why he's called that, there's a healthy amount of mystery in here about Xaz if you put it as a first shadow which will lead on nicely to the second. My second one is that, your first chapter was actually a filler but it didn't serve any useful purpose. So, if you ever decide to rewrite this, that is what I would do because this chapter actually provides a very nice groundwork for you to build on. Anyways, let's get on with the review.
Ok, so opening paragraph. I noticed that you don't tend to describe your surroundings very much. Whether it was the room Fear and Soul were in previously or Skrap's cell or in this case, Soul's library. I think you should describe more of what it looks like so we get a better visual of what's happening. It's not just any kind of library if it's been used to store souls and his snack, it's his personal library for his own special purpose. So describe that to us. You opened with Soul opening the jewel encrusted lock, I don't know about the jewel part. Who would put jewels on a lock? If there was reason, explain it to us.
You remember I talked about disjointed scenes and random pop outs? Well, it happened here again, not as abrupt but happened nonetheless. At the end of the library scene, Soul decides to visit Skrap for no reason abruptly. I'm pretty sure the entire intention of this chapter was to revealSkrap's vision, so I don't see what Soul inhaling the eyeballs have to do with it. To me, it seemed like that scene was written purely to tell us who Soul was, it wasn't boring but it wasn't necessary for this chapter. Something like that, should have been in the first chapter.
In my opinion, instead of that, perhaps provide us with the reason why Soul decided to visit Skrap all of a sudden because his visit seemed a bit random unless he knew about the vision beforehand. Which he didn't.
Next, let's talk about Skrap and Soul's relationship, they're brothers? O.o what possessed Soul to lock his brother up? You said there was a bit of hatred and anger between them, except the way they treated each other didn't seem that way. Skrap hardly resisted Soul at all, one stroke at his wing was all that it took? I would actually expand that scene a bit more to ease into it.
Onto the prophecy, just a little question before I begin, how did Xzanis know it was about Xaz? They were outside the door and he was inside, unless they were talking loudly otherwise I don't think Xzanis would hear, if they were talking loudly. Then it's best to show that. Also, no explanation here about why they need to drink Xaz's soul. Why does it need to be her?
Something just struck me, if Skrap is that powerful to be locked down there for so long. Now, they're just going to let him out and go on this journey without any restraints? Speaking of which, why is Skrap so dangerous. We've been given no information on that, you are probably going to do it later on but start thinking about foreshadowing and all those things.
So I liked this chapter, way better than the first, your character voice is pretty engaging and it's fun to read. Keep up the good work! If you have any questions, please feel free to PM me.
-Flite
Hello~! <3
I'll work on that, definitely. ^u^ Thank you~. <3 (I'm laughing right now because I just realized that putting jewels on a lock is really, really stupid. XD )
First off, I want to thank you for your review. ^u^ I really appreciate it! <3
You know, I really never thought about that. This would be a good first chapter. OuO
I really should describe settings more. You're totally right.
Well, I mean, Soul Keeper visits Skrap every day (that will be revealed in later chapters), so I guess that it felt abrupt because the reader really has never seen Soul Keeper go and see Skrap. My intention was for Soul Keeper to go and realize that he should probably go visit him, so I probably need to clarify that. ^^; (Sorry for the confusion! ^n^)
The whole Skrap and Soul Keeper being brothers will be explained in future chapters, so don't worry~. ^u^ And Skrap's power and an explanation why he was locked in the dungeon will be in future chapters, as well. <3
There's also a certain reason why they had to take Skrap with them, so that's probably going to be in the next chapter or chapter five. I don't want the chapters to be that long, because I know that not a lot of people will read it if it's entirely too long. ^^
Yay~! <3 I'm so glad that it's fun for you to read. And you're completely right; this is way better than the first chapter. I'll probably go and revise that one sometime next week. ^u^
Once again, thank you so much! Have a great night~! <3
Hello Kortez! Here to review chapter three so happy you released it mate!
Id like to start off with, NEW CHARACTERS NEW CHARACTERS IT SEEMS aye?
Yes, yes, I do believe so my anime loving novelist of a friend, with i story I've been so wanted to read. I will also be honest though with the ending like you ending chapter two I will say I was somewhat confused. Did you maybe write a short, another side note, yes I read through whole thing threw, but it is like hmm.
I'm not 100% sure were I can place this information, I see all the information intertwining the two chapters together. It still kind of seemed odd with everything, maybe its just me being used to in the books I read (pretty much anything in the genre of Rick Roidian, JK Rollings all the way to things like Java Programming and Graphic Design. Also with the fluctuation with Soul Keeper or Damien, he called the " Shadow girl" the character switched in dialect between "it" and "her". That seemed a little funny to me, I think you should kind of settle on what they are going to call the "Shadow girl" whether it would be by name or her, but I feel "it" should be only used towards unknown identification or inanimate objects. Not trying at all to mess with your thing if your trying to go for a look or for certain theme that's understandable.
Then I only seen like two misspelling which is great. I hope you keep up the good work just try to fix some of the things I pointed out with the exceptions I pointed about. Hope you have a awesome day! I also dearly hope I didn't rain on your parade just writing a review for you a extremely talented man unless you a female no offense your name seems male, but i don't judge so anythings possible!
Hello!
(and hehe, I am a female. Kortez was the name of my epic female fan character, and she was very tom-boyish, who I loved to death~. I don't use her as much now. ^3^ It's a pretty versatile name to me, but I picked the name out when I was ten years old, so go figure ^^)
Somewhat new characters, I guess you'd say. ^^ I've mentioned Xzanis and Skrap in earlier chapters, but really now I got to explain them.
And about the Shadow girl, I really called her an "it" just to emphasize how much the Soul Keeper didn't think that she was really destined to live, just to be killed. ^^
Just wait, my dear friend. ^u^ Everything will be explained with time. :3
Thank you so much for your review! Have a great day! I really appreciated your review and kind words. <3
Oh no problem mate, and yeah so sorry about the name thing (I also call everyone mate. I'm a wanker I know ;p, yea but anyways thank you so much for the explanation ! It clears alot up, and i think you should also kind of hint that about the "it" thing and her not being destined to live also sorry for getting on you about getting confused my fault, i still feel their explanation was a little jumped but that's fine if that's how your playing it out as chapters not being really continuing from the last words like I'm used to in my style and most of the authors I've seen do it. Just I get confused dyslexic and all I'm sure it makes sense. Even though, I'd make it throw it something to flow some more and omg your sweet heart <3 giving me such nice comments even as i review you wow, good at writing, intelligent, and so kind. One hell of heavy hitter you are with spectacularness mate! I just made a word to complement you, feel epic now xD
I feel very epic XD. ^^ <3