Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
The village was quiet and peaceful, just as usual. A light wind was blowing from the western fields, bringing a fresh early scent of mint and wheat. Although one could say that was a perfect weather for a small talk or carefree messing-around, Annabel and Elijah were silent and cold all way long to the marketplace. Just once, the moment Annabel left their cart, the watcher threw a brief “Hurry up” over his shoulder, and then disappeared – he had his own business to attend to, although no one knew exactly what it was about. Annabel completed every task on the to-do list and soon realized it wasn’t even midday when she finished her job. When she returned to the cart, she didn’t see Elijah anywhere nearby. He was supposed to be there and wait for her, but he was still busy, and it meant that Annabel still had time.
She left the full food basket in the cart, covered it with thick fabric, and looked around carefully. Nobody approaching. Annabel inhaled deeply to get herself together, and left the cart behind as she walked up the narrow path.
Moving through the streets as quickly as she could, throwing a glance back every few seconds, the girl made it to the northern limit of the village. Not so far ahead, there was no fence around it to prevent animals from running in and out, or people from walking out and back again. Annabel was about to use that advantage. She could see a small piece of the vast wild field that separated the village from the thick forest up in the north; it would take her only six or eight minutes to pass it if she was fast, and then she could hide among the trees or in the bushes and keep running until no one was willing to seek for her anymore.
Annabel looked around again. For the thousandth time she saw no Elijah and no people from The Garden; she steadied her heart, took a few deep breaths and hurried toward the field. There’d been only a couple of small houses left to pass by, and there it was – freedom, after five months of being a weak, fragile object for somebody to trade as if she had no soul and no opinion. Thoughts were turmoiling inside her head: a fresh memory of Susanne’s last day in The Garden – filled with heartache and despair, it boiled Annabel’s blood; Elijah’s pale face after he turned around and left Victor’s bleeding body in the yard; a thought of coming back home, hugging her parents again and seeing their happy tears. It all forced Annabel’s alacrity into strong, confident steps towards the only hope she had: a huge free terrirory where no one could stop her once she started running. She looked over the field: it was big, emerald green, spotted with wild flowers and bushes; it reminded her of the field right outside her house. Annabel forgot how to breathe, and a wide grin of joy lightened up her face. A song from her childhood came back to her, a song about a little bird that wished to get free. Fly far away, little bird, and never look back again.
The wild land began with fluffy young grass; the girl only touched it with the tip of her toes, when suddenly somebody squeezed her shoulders and pushed her back with a rude force, almost knocking her down. Annabel turned her head. Terror shot through her as she saw a mighty figure hunched over her, still holding her by the hand. Elijah’s black bitter eyes were staring right at her.
“Ah, you little wicked thing,” he said, fury in his harsh voice, “you wanted to take a walk in the field, huh?!”
“You’re hurting me!” Annabel groaned and tried to whirl, but Elijah tugged her back violently.
“I know!” he snarled. “Who do you think you are? A hero? A rebel? Haven’t I warned you about this?”
“Haven't I told you that if you try to run, you'll be punished?” A cry of plea echoed in Annabel’s head, images of Victor’s blood dripping to the ground flashed before her eyes.
Elijah strode down the street toward their cart, pulling Annabel along. She didn’t have a moment to break free from his grip, so she just ran, following the watcher, trying at least not to fall face down. Elijah was definitely ready to kill her right where she stood, but people had gathered, and they were watching. She was grateful for that. A very bad feeling covered her, a feeling that something awful was going to happen the moment she and Elijah got to be one on one. Her heart was pounding inside her chest; despair was making her as weak as she’d never been. When they approached the cart, three kids were waiting for them, murmuring something to each other. Elijah ignored them and pushed Annabel by the throat, slamming her into the cart’s side and closing in on her.
“I’ve warned you.” A deep growl came from his throat. “I’ve told you not to try to run or fool me!”
“I didn’t try to fool you,” Annabel said in a hoarse voice.
“Shut up!” Elijah spitted through gritted teeth. He dropped his hands, took a step back and ran his fingers through his hair. Annabel rubbed her throat, feeling throbbing pain all over it, and attempted to turn to go, but Elijah hit the cart and jabbed his finger in Annabel’s face.
“You,” he said, “you know what I’m supposed to do, don’t you?” Annabel nodded slightly, fighting tears. “I don’t want to do it. You may believe it or not, but I really don’t. And we will forget about today’s accident as if it has never happened. But I warn you for the very last time, Annabel,” Elijah lowered his voice and looked her directly in the eyes, “if you try to escape ever again, I will know about it. And next time, you’ll get the treatment you deserve.”
He turned away from her abruptly and rounded the cart, getting onto it. The kids followed. Annabel felt Elijah shoot her a sharp look and quickly got into the cart, forgetting about her trembling hands. She couldn’t breathe freely: her lungs seemed to be paralyzed with something that struck deeper than fear.
“What happened, Ann?” A little girl leaned forward. But Annabel didn’t notice her, she didn’t even hear the girl speaking. “Ann!” The girl repeated in a whisper, bringing Annabel back to reality.
“What? Ah, nothing…” she mumbled, charily looking at Elijah who sat with his back turned to her. Her stomach dropped.
That was true. Nothing actually happened. Annabel wasn’t able to manage the escape, even after having so many thoughts on how she’d accomplish it. She had a hope and all the alacrity, but Elijah was much more alert than she had thought. From now on, she had to leave all her efforts behind her, or her life would be in a much bigger danger than it had been before. If you want to escape ever again, I will know about it. For some reason, Annabel didn’t doubt it. Her life was now the true hell.
End of chapter
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138,256 Literary Works • 672,091 Reviews
Annabel tasted freedom for just a few minutes, but Elijah had taken her away.
It seems like she’ll have to wait out on an escape even longer or risk being trapped there forever. I wonder how much longer Annabel can stay determined about leaving, especially with Elijah always watching. If he claims that he doesn’t want to hurt her, why isn’t he risking his life for her? Suspicious…
I enjoyed this chapter.
I wish you a good day/night.
Elijah is definitely not a simple character
Thanks for the comment! Will wait for you on the next chapters!
Hey there,
I am here to leave you an review!
First of all, I read chapter 1, 2 & 3 before I read 4 and I must say. You have an rather interesting story going on here, I really like your pacing. It is not too slow and not rushed either. Your content is also very strong and I love the fact that Annabel was so determined to get away. I think you name choices are amazing!
😉Especially Ellijah, makes me think of The Ellijah from TVD and The Originals😉
Great!
Now off to the review...
Overall, your characters are well developed, but I think Elijah could use some more of that. I mean, tell us more about his background and why is he not determined to run away. Why does he choose to be a slaver handler instead of a free boy. What are his motivations. Is the Boss Lady keeping his captive or is she treathening him with a loved one. You know that would be a nice twist to the story.
Im going to give you some suggestions,
1. Treathening with a loved one.
What if the Boss Lady holds Elijah his sister captive in her basement and what if she suffers from some terrible illness. But Elijah does not have the money to buy some medicine or pay a doctor for a treatment. That is why the Boss lady keeps her hidden in order that he does work for her, she pays a doctor to look at his sister.
But. What the Boss Lady does not tell Elijah is that his sister sickness is treatable, but she does not pay the doctor to do that. She wants his sister to stay sick in order for Elijah to keep working for her.
2. Annabel is the secret sister
What if Annabel is Elijah his long lost sister. Or his half sister. What if his mother was or is the sister of the Boss Lady. What if the sister of the Boss Lady aka Annabel her mother, had an arranged marriage against her will and so got Ellijah. But after a while she did not want to live in this imprisonment anymore and left her husband and her son, Elijah. And ran off with her true love, where she decided to leave and start a new life somewhere. That is how she got Annabel.
Elijah could have ended up in some orphanage and after Boss Lady found out who he was she decided to make her sister pay, but she did not tell Ellijah that they are related instead she made him work for her. But after a while she started to take Elijah as her own some and made him a watcher.
The rest is up to you how brother and sister meet or if you want to do something else too its fine.
3. Annabel Elijah
Or you could make it a romance story.
4. Boss Lady is Elijah mother.
~~~
I think you are doing a great job on writing this story. I love your pacing and I think to be very honest that Elijah is my favourite character. You will probably find me a bit crazy 🙃 Amazing job so far! This story looks like it will be growing out to an awesome novel. Keep up the amazing job! If you need clarifications on any of the suggestions or if you want some cool names, be sure to let me know.
Amazingly yours,
Rinisha
ps, I love making names up, so I was thinking Eraine for his sister.
Thanks a lot for the feedback and for your suggestions! They're all quite interesting, and I'll surely give them a better thought. For now, Elijah's character is a little bit hidden because of what I plan for him in the future
Hi there! This is loveissourgrapes and I am here to give your fourth chapter a review/comment. Yeah, it's me again. I'll give another detailed review again because you story is very good.
It is a great introduction to explain the atmosphere. Annabel was buying stuff at market and Elijah was also there to guard her. But then he was busy and disappeared all of a sudden. You can feel the tense at the first because you do know what might or not happen. Annabel might escaped soon and had a plan to.
You can feel the fast-paced energy it's giving. She had it all planned but something is off at the same time. It might flow well at first glance but reading some more, you can feel the off-ness of the energy. Her plan feels off because it doesn't seem well-planned. Hiding behind the trees and the bushes? Animals might eat you especially in a forest.
somebody would wish to run away because of all the things these people have been doing to them but would it be worth to run away? Turmoiling does not seem like a word. You could use tormenting or something else to describe her state. She felt freedom but was it worth it? I think you have misspelled territory.
I knew Elijah would follow her and by surprise, he will pop out of nowhere. if this story was a movie, you can hear the score change. From a happy and carefree on to a hell-like and terrifying one.
In the first dialogue mentioned here, after "voice", it should be a period not a comma and the first letter of the remaining dialogue should be capitalized. "He" in "he snarled", the first letter should be capitalized. You can feel the emotion here though and how it changed from a positive energy to a negative one.
The dialogue may be said by Elijah but it seems like Annabel said it in the way it was written. Separate the dialogue from what flashed in Annabel's mind. But still put both in italics.
You can see that Annabel was desperate to run away but she is here now. She was thankful that people were watching because eh would have killed her on the spot. She still got hurt though. Was it worth running little girl? People say and think you are frail. Yes, you are frail physically but you have a brain so use it.
In Annabel' dialogue, between "you" and "Annabel" should be a period not a comma once again. Just keep the quotation mark. You can see the action raising here. It's very nice because you can feel the desperate energy of Annabel. But also, you can feel like she is also giving up on the plan she has made.
Okay, this part is confusing. The dialogue are stuck together and it's not it. It should be more like this:
“You,” he said, “you know what I’m supposed to do, don’t you?”
Annabel nodded slightly, fighting tears.
“I don’t want to do it. You may believe it or not, but I really don’t. And we will forget about today’s accident as if it has never happened. But I warn you for the very last time, Annabel,” Elijah lowered his voice and looked her directly in the eyes, “if you try to escape ever again, I will know about it. And next time, you’ll get the treatment you deserve.”
Better understanding right? Compared to the first one.
Well, you can see the fear and that Annabel was traumatized. When you are traumatized, your brain is way, way far from reality. You can't do anything but just feel bad for the girl.
Was this at the Garden already or was this one of the kids at the market? I like how she uses the word nothing. Nothing good happened to Annabel but truth is something happened. It's just that Annabel chooses not to talk about it because the bad thing that happened was a traumatic experience. And your brain chooses not to remember those type of experiences. This was a good ending though.
Over all, there are just a few errors. It is great that the plot is now growing and you can see things that might be hints for the next chapters. Wonderful story! Keep it up! Have a wonderful day/night!
Thank you very much for pointing out the mistakes! I was writing his late at night, so my mind went blank x) And thanks for the feedback, too!
You're welcome!