Chapter 1

Hi

This was very interesting to read. descriptions are simply beautiful and does a great job of setting the right mood.
I loved how the book starts in a bright mood.

"The fresh wind messing with the hair, and the huge green meadows covered with hundreds and hundreds of different wildflowers, so rich with colour, and the small pine forest not far from home – what else can one want to be utterly happy? Annabel’s horse gets more and more excited about their unexpected trip, it neighs loudly, tosses its head. Annabel feels its power and energy, she senses that the air is filled with scents and sees a vast emerald kingdom spotted by white, blue, and pink crown-looking petals in the grass: they are just like paints jumbled on the canvas. This picture is her joyful and peaceful life, with no troubles or grief, no arguments or wars."

The description in this paragraph was very well written, giving out the peacefulness and joy within the background. While I was reading this paragraph, it made me wonder how this wonderful moment was going to turn into adventure and action. My question was answered very quickly with a sudden change in the setting.

I feel like making all this a past memory was a wonderful idea. We all have those dreams that we wish to go back to once we wake up. I could not imagine how hard it was for Annabel to wake up from this dream and realize the harsh reality. By making the first part a 'dream' you did a great job of dynamic mood change.
There is a sense of despair and sadness from Annabel wishing she was still dreaming. It's very ironic that she was just been dreaming and once she wakes up, she wishes the reality could also be a dream.
I also enjoyed the description of the 'boy with no emotions'. The way you say he's handsome but anger makes him ugly really describes the character well. I could instantly picture him in my mind. Why is he so angry and full of hatred? is it towards the children or is it towards someone else?

Great job, simple beautiful!
keep up the good work

Beautifully written and tragic. Why would Annabel and the other children be locked away from their families? What kind of monsters would do that to a group of children? I’ll have to find that out. Hopefully Annabel and the kids will be able to escape and return to their families. Until then, they are trapped in the basement of a dark, dingy prison.

I hope that you will have a lovely day and night.

Your images are vivid, your tone flips like a magic dime, and your word choice is great! The way the tone of this story completely changes from the dream to reality is perfect. It not only creates a hook, it also gives us some background on Annabel. We get a glimpse of how her life maybe used to be like--at least, how she wishes it was. From the dream, we find out the most about Annabel's character: she's confident, ambitious, adventurous, loving but daring, and rather unwieldy.

That sample of her character makes me expect to see Annabel later resist the monarchy of the bitter boy, whether by escaping or rebelling, we shall see heh heh heh. We also get a tiny hint as to how Annabel might have ended up in this position with: "she couldn’t bear the thought she’d been left with this monster." Telling moment, but it still keep the reader hooked for the full explanation. Did her family leave her here? Hmmm. Was she sold away? Did she go because she was lured, and this line is a direct reply to the very first? Hmm, hmm... Intriguing.

--Also, as a rather random last note, I absolutely love the way you described Annabel being disturbed from her dream. It's a feeling I can straight up imagine from your words.

hello there! This is loveissourgrapes and I am here to review/comment about your novel/chapter. I wasn't able to welcome you earlier because you were here since the first day of June. Hehe, great story!

"No way you’d be left alone ever again, young lady!"

This is a good way to start the story because it contrasts from how the little girl is really like when she wakes up from that dream. I think this statement was said by the little girl's mother in the dream. Saying, "you'd be left alone never again" but when she wakes up as lonely, scared and desperate.

"A woman, laughing and spreading her arms wide, is trying to catch a horse by the reins. In the saddle, there’s a little girl, not afraid of falling down, absolutely excited about being a rebellious rider. The anxious stallion doesn’t stop galloping around and prancing, getting fun from playing tag with the girl’s mother. The woman keeps crying out a name, but her face is lightened up with happiness and joy."

The woman in the little girl's dream is her mother. With the description that you have showed was carefree. The girl was free and happy with a person that cares for her and is playing little games that little kids like to do. This description is very imaginative too. Good job on that!

"Annabel! Annabel, if you don’t stop right now, I’ll ask your father to never let you ride a horse again! Annabel!"

The woman is tired. She is pretending to be a strict mom, but her kind smile is giving her away. The girl notices it and doesn’t stop, not even for a second, and doesn’t even think of looking around."

The little girl's name is Annabel. Her mother was tired but Annabel did not stop maybe because the woman's kind smile gave her away. She even had a father mentioned here.

"Only to those trees, ma!» she shouts from the horseback, pointing at a path that runs across a flower field with her hand. "There and back, I promise!"

The woman sighs, then looks up at her dearest child, and nods at last, not able to fight her girl’s sweet eyes that look just like her father’s."

"Ma" is a name given for her mother so the first letter should be capitalized. "She" is a would after a quotation so the first letter should be capitalized. The description of the flower field seemed like a path that looks pleasing and the horse Annabel is riding is like her freedom before it all crashes down to reality. I like the description of Annabel's eyes, having a resemblance of her father's.

"The fresh wind messing with the hair, and the huge green meadows covered with hundreds and hundreds of different wild flowers, so rich with colour, and the small pine forest not far from home – what else can one want to be utterly happy? Annabel’s horse gets more and more excited about their unexpected trip, it neighs loudly, tosses its head. Annabel feels its power and energy, she senses that the air is filled with scents and sees a vast emerald kingdom spotted by white, blue and pink crown-looking petals in the grass: they are just like paints jumbled on the canvas. This picture is her joyful and peaceful life, with no troubles or grief, no arguments or wars."

You have good descriptions about the little things that could mean a lot in the next few chapters or those little things around the little girl give her a sense of peace, which is the opposite of the reality of the little girl's world. I like the description, "she senses that the air is filled with scents and sees a vast emerald kingdom spotted by white, blue and pink crown-looking petals in the grass: they are just like paints jumbled on the canvas.". Because I like painting, especially when they are related to my own writings.

"And who would tell that this is the last picture of its kind Annabel will ever be able to remember?"

This phrase tells your readers that a twist is about to happen. I was excepting that he mother and father were evil but it seemed like the little girl does not know where she is. To me, I believe, she is in a orphanage with strict and mean people around her.

"Suddenly a very loud sound broke into Annabel’s head, shattering the dream she tried to keep in her mind so stubbornly, and spread all over the room with a terrifying echo. As the girl opened her eyes, she stiffened: from behind a huge cracking door came a young boy with a whip in his hand. Right after him entered a man holding a saucepan and a pipe. The boy looked cold and tough like a stone, had no emotions on his face, but Annabel could feel ruthlessness and strictness in the way he walked and looked down at everybody."

Describing that the loud noises interrupting Annabel's dream was great too. I can envision her beautiful dream with a colorful, warm atmosphere into the reality with a dark, cold atmosphere. It was obvious that Annabel was scared and hopeless when she saw the young boy with a whip in his hand and the man with a saucepan and a pipe in hand. Since she is a little girl, she might not know how to accept how bad the people around her may be not good as the people in her dream.

"Wake up, you little dopes, the new day has begun!" he bawled.

His voice was harsh and bitter, but it wasn’t the worst thing about what happened that moment, because a second after his words the man behind him started hammering the saucepan furiously with the pipe: the sound was absolutely unbearable. It pounded against the walls and pierced through Annabel’s ears like hundreds of darts. She wasn’t the only one suffering – other children in the room started to moan helplessly and some even began to cry. Annabel sat down on her sheets, scared and unable to sleep anymore, and saw a blonde boy in front of her do the same. He obviously got very annoyed with the noise that had awoken him - before he could give it a better thought, he muttered quietly, "Put in on your head, moron…"

Oh wow, that is painful especially when you are a little girl, stressed and clueless. Hearing sounds that are unbearable. Even the children around her didn't like the two men making sounds to wake the children up. She wanted to cry but controlled because the boy and the man might notice and hit her with the things in hand.

"The guy who had no emotions reacted immediately; Annabel had never seen anyone move faster than him. In a blink of an eye he turned on his heels and raised his hand, the whip whistled in the air, and the next instant the kid tucked his face away, covering his cheek with his wrist. Annabel could see tears trembling in his eyes as he looked up for a short moment. The young boy crouched down before him.

"One more word, and you’ll end up in the basement with no food and water for three days, and your only listeners will be smelly rats." He stood up and lifted his head proudly. "What are you gawking at? On your feet! I said, on your feet, you idiots!"

Seeing the boy getting whipped made her more scared to move or say anything. Because the boy cursed under his breath and the other boy heard it. He got whipped and might be thrown in the basement the next.

"It was at that moment that Annabel realized the boy was only sixteen or seventeen years old, probably not much older than the kid he just hit. He had a face you could call handsome, if only it wasn’t for the hatred glowing in his dark eyes – it made him look surprisingly ugly. Sometimes you could tell that people are dangerous from the very first glance; Annabel knew that boy would be their biggest problem in that place, wherever they had been brought to. Children were quite obviously afraid of the power he radiated, so they left their hand-made beds and stood straight before the boy’s scary black gaze. He watched them follow his order and looked like a dog that was ready to strike with the harshest bite if someone made any noise.'

the description of the boy being handsome but the darkness in his eyes made him ugly and scary like a monster. Since the boy he hit was noisy, all the children stood in silence and are afraid of the boy.

"Annabel was very careful, she tried not to draw his attention by doing everything he was saying. When she caught a chance, she threw a short glance at other children and saw approximately twenty or thirty kids standing in two long rows. Although they were all of different age, they’d had two things in common: fear on their faces and dirty clothes wrapped around trembling bodies. The young boy with the whip was wearing a good suit. I didn’t look expensive, but was definitely made for him specifically. The man with a saucepan had disappeared, but the boy didn’t seem to need anyone’s assistance. He walked along the rows of kids with a spine-chilling threat in his look. Suddenly, he started to speak."

Annabel observed her surroundings and saw kids that have the same expression and emotions as she feels. All of them are in dirty clothes, she is in dirty clothes too? She seemed to be really threatened by the boy, Elijah.

"Listen to me now, all of you," he said. "My name is Elijah. I am one of the major watchers in this house. I’m here to tell you what to do and how to behave. If you disobey my orders or try to run, or fail, or try to fool me, you’ll be punished. Your only task in this place is to do what you’re told. You’re not allowed to ask any questions about your home, family or friends. Right now you’ll go and have your breakfast, after that you’ll get your first task to complete. Before you start, remember that the harder you work and the fairer you are with me and your master, Mr Alferdo Morr, the better for you. Now follow me,” he left off and hissed over his shoulder as he approached the door, “and keep quiet."

They are in a house but why is the little girl there and the other children? Was she found in the street or something? "Mr" should have a period [.] at the end. Elijah was just one of the major watchers. The children and him severed a master, Mr. Alferdo Morr.

"Annabel heard the whip crack as it tightened in Elijah’s hands, and her heart pounded deep inside her chest. That voice, that motion, that dreadful glance… She wanted to cry, she was scared, she couldn’t bear the thought she’d been left with this monster, and she didn’t want to believe he was just a teenager. What was that place, where children acted like beasts, and where you weren’t allowed to speak about your family? What was that place they’d brought her to? Was she dreaming?

Annabel hoped she was. For nothing could change so fast and become so unexpectedly awful. Could it?.."

Annabel had a family and she was not allowed to say a word about them and about she feels. Was she kidnapped? The boy was just a teenager yet so threatening and scary. She perception on things were different because of how she felt and how her real lifestyle is way different from her dream. The questions at the end were great to end a chapter. I would love to read more about this.

Overall, you had a few errors but the storyline was great. I have enjoyed it very much. Keep it up! Have a great day/night!