Chapter 2

Poor Victor…he was so hopeful about escaping. Why did Elijah have terror in his eyes? If he actually feels bad for the children, he’d do something to help them. But he hasn’t. Then again, there’s one more chapter left. I’ll check it out tomorrow. Hopefully someone gains courage, because this can’t go on forever. Where does Elijah stand? Is he willing to help those weaker than him? To lose everything? I’ll have to see.

I wish you a good day/night.

Hello, this is loveissourgrapes and I am here to give you a review/comment about the chapter two of your novel. I cannot find chapter one. Did you delete it? There are still a few errors in here but it has improved. I love your writing style in here and I would love to see you improve. c:

"Annabel only had a few days to get over the fact that her life had changed, totally changed. She could say it happened when those awful people came and took her from her family, hit her father so hard he fell to the ground, his nose bleeding, and made her mother cry for the first time in many years. But who they were - they didn't say, and even after a week of living in the illusion of life rather than in reality, Annabel didn't know precisely who enslaved her, and why, or what they wanted from her."

She seems like a slave in this paragraph as well as her family. They were slaughtered and abused my cruel people. The words are imaginative because I can imagine how dark and low the atmosphere is in this paragraph. She didn't like her real life and had to except it for a few days. I have a question though, how old is she?

"The first task she got was in the kitchen, where a helper was needed, or maybe Elijah thought so. After six days of cleansing the dirtiest surfaces Annabel had ever seen, the chef said she was just an irritating bother, so she was sent to a girl who asked for another kid to help her with washing dirty clothes and sheets. The girl's name was Susanne."

This paragraph feels calm though. I don't feel that much emotion in this, a suggestion could be to put more description. But it is a good entry for a new character, Susanne. Nice name!

"Annabel couldn't say if Susanne was a regular inhabitant of this place or an exception. She was at least sixteen years old, and she was kind and attractive. Her hands were somewhat dry because of bad water and soap, but her face was one of the most beautiful Annabel remembered. She considered Susanne's patience to be her best trait, whereas most people in the house, including children, seemed to have no patience at all – they were constantly worrying about everything, yelling or bursting into tears all of a sudden."

This paragraph has good description and detail about the new character's personality and how she looked like. She is had a beautiful face but dry hands and good patience too.

"So, what do they want me to do, except the housework?" Annabel asked as she and Susanne brought two buckets of water and a hip of dirty garments into the yard.

"You want to hear the truth, don't you?" said Susanne. She started to rub the fabric perkily with her fragile hands, as if she had always known how to do this job well.

"Of course I do." The girl looked up mournfully and sighed."

The dialogue here is good. It has improve from the first chapter. The difference with the dialogue in this chapter compared to the first one is that is feels slow paced and more clarity to it. The first dialogue's writing style was perfect for the situation she was in. But preferably this one because it has more clarity. Annabel feels like 12 to me because the way of talking feels more mature than what age I have excepted her to be. In the first chapter, she felt like 7 but here she feels like 12.

"They have taken us from our families, homes, to make slaves from us. Slaves and servants. Before a rich lord, a proud lady or maybe a merchant decides to buy you for their own purposes, you live here and work, for they don't want you to be a waste of money. After that you'll work for your new master."

"Who are you talking about? Who are they?"

"Alferdo Morr and his men. He's the only one who succeeded in such a business in the kingdom."

This shows how the rich use the poor as slaves. And how they treat them as slaves. This reminds me of a movie called "RRR". It is pretty violent so don't watch if whoever reads this is young. It was epic though.

Annabel had heard something about slave drivers from her parents, but they both had ensured her those people would never reach her because their house was far from villages or towns. It seemed like they had underestimated the basic human avarice.

"How long have you been here?"

"Two years now."

Annabel's heart stopped for a second and fell deep down with a painful feeling. Two years? So many days in slavery, with not even a miserable possibility to see your family again, being somebody else's property the whole time?

"And... has he always been guarding you?" Annabel threw a careful glance at Elijah who was walking past them and watching the children work in the yard. His whip looked even longer and scarier from the distance.

Susanne turned her head, too. "Elijah? Yes. He guards kids who are under seventeen."

So, Susanne's parents and Annabel's parents are slave too? For a long time? Elijah seems very rude and cross about guarding kids under 17. The description in these lines are great too. c:

"But he's a kid himself," whispered Annabel, not quite able to understand what she was hearing: a seventeen-year-old boy had been that ugly watcher for years; was it even real? "How come a kid has become... this? How did he get the worst job ever?"

"Oh, trust me on this, the watcher is not the worst job, not even a bad one."

"But... but he makes children suffer!"

"Yes, and it does him a lot of good, actually."

Annabel shuddered. She tried to concentrate on wet clothes in her hands, but the curiosity had never been something she used to fight with.

This dialogue feels like it could happen in real life. Making children suffer is a benefit to him. Annabel felt really bad about that. It is good that I feel like I want to hug her and make her run away with me. Away from these cruel people treating her like a slave and making her feel sad.

"What's happened to him?"

Susanne's mood seemed to be much worse now.

"Nobody knows exactly, but there's a rumor he used to be a slave, too. He worked so hard and was so clever that Mr Morr blessed him to be a watcher and gave him some advantages. Since then, Elijah has been eager to keep his job. He's ready to do anything for it."

Susanne took the soaked garments and rolled it to squeeze the water out. She ordered Annabel to hang the wet clothes and sheets on the ropes nearby that were fixed between two walls of the next-standing buildings. The sunlight was shining brightly, and the wind was warm, "Perfect weather for it to dry," said the girl and smiled. Annabel had met such people like Susanne before. They could talk about things that dejected them but be happy-go-lucky the very next second. Or at least they seemed to be. Annabel's courage grew stronger, and while they were hanging the garment, she asked, as if thinking out loud, "So... Is there an escape route or something?"

In the last paragraph of this section, can you separate the dialogue from what Annabel is doing. The rumor is crazy. Elijah might be working hard a lot because of that reason.

Abruptly, Susanne gasped and tucked Annabel behind the sheets. She was almost panicking; her eyes were looking out in terror for Elijah's arrival.

"What are you doing?" she whispered furiously.

"What?" said Annabel.

"Never talk about it if the watchers are near!"

"But why? It's only a house, and there's a fence – why can't you just get over it and..."

"Because you can't! Believe me, you can't."

"Can't what?"

You can feel the tension and how scared the girls were. The actions showed good emotion.

The girls jumped and whirled. Elijah stood right before them with his whip moaning and cracking between his fingers, his eyebrow arched skeptically. His deep black eyes seemed to freeze Annabel's blood. He looked at Susanne, waiting for an answer.

"I was telling her that you can't expect a good supper if you don't work hard," said the young girl in the easiest way she could. Annabel felt the tension in her voice, but even if Elijah noticed it too, he didn't let them know.

"She's right," he looked down at Annabel and tightened the whip. "Finish your job, kid."

Then he turned slowly, but it seemed to Annabel that he was never going to leave. When he disappeared in the yard again, she exhaled with a relief, feeling the danger going away. Susanne said nothing and took the next sheet to hang it; her face was ghastly pale and her hands were trembling. That's their everyday life, Annabel thought and felt her heart fall down to her heels again.

the action here showed how much the girl showed how fearful she is toward Elijah. When he is here, holding his whip. Why did he not whip or hurt her though when it was obvious she was doing something that is "wrong" to the leaders?

"Every evening children were brought to the dining room and then to their big old dormitory where girls and boys under the age of seventeen slept together on blankets and sheets, for Mr Alferdo Morr didn't want to spend money on beds. No one had enough courage to complain about it. All kids knew if they said something unpleasant about how they were treated, they would get a few more bruises on their skin that won't come off for weeks.

Annabel got over that, too. She and her dad used to sleep on a layer of dried grass or on furs if they had some, despite her mom being against it. "She should get used to any difficulties. You can't protect her from everything, so let me at least make her strong," dad was saying. Annabel was so grateful to him now. She could even sleep well on the bare floor, and the only real challenge was the cold, because sometimes it was impossible to stop shaking. That day, she also tried to fall asleep as quickly as she was able to - tomorrow was promising some hard work on which she wouldn't get any rest, for sure. The night was warm and fresh, filled with a slight scent of green fields outside the mansion, and it was almost quiet. Almost."

How her dad had a great impact on her is great. Although it is a cruel how the children sleep and how they are treated. I hope Annabel and those kids get to escape this hell.

A few kids were sitting around the boy Elijah hit on their first day in the house. Annabel could hear them speaking, although they tried to whisper. At first, she didn't want to listen to them, but simple curiosity forced her to eavesdrop. Something interesting and intriguing was keeping the boys awake at such a late time. Annabel was lying on her side with her eyes open, concentrated.

"You can't be so sure," said a low voice she knew belonged to another kid, named Rotty. He always doubted everything, although sometimes he could say very smart things.

"That's you who can't, Rotty, but I can."

"Victor, it's too dangerous!" said the third voice.

"Nothing too dangerous. There's a fence, I'll just climb it and jump on the other side. Have you seen it? I've climbed trees that were much higher."

"It isn't only about you," said Rotty. "Some of the watchers are on patrol at night, they round the perimeter in order to prevent runaways like you from doing stupid things."

"Hey," Victor protested, "I don't do anything stupid, all right? If you think it's better to stay, then you may stay and be a slave until you die, but I won't. I don't want thisto happen again." He made a short pause, and Annabel remembered that on his cheek there was still a noticeable red mark left from Elijah's whip. "And I want to come back home. They're not right, they are criminals, they do illegal things. I'm not going to just keep quiet and enjoy it."

"So tomorrow?" asked the fourth voice.

"Tomorrow. Tomorrow I'll be free."

This dialogue just makes me want to cry. You can see how the children are struggling in this situation. It supposed to be this to, I think you forgot to add a space. I'm kinda tired writing this but I'm still having fun.

"Victor was near. Annabel could see his messy blond hair and piercing blue eyes that were full of courage, and she wanted to close up to him and whisper, "Don't run! They'll catch and punish you!". But she wasn't sure if that would be right. Susanne's words, and then Elijah who freaked her out yesterday, - all her bravery dissolved at once, she wasn't sure anymore if running away was something easy. Oh, you're such a coward, she thought to herself, Victor is only a bit older than you, why would you be so scared, and he so doughty? But every time she repeated it to herself, she noticed that the alacrity to leave the mansion would regenerate in her heart, but Elijah's whip would appear in her thoughts, and she'd hear that terrible whistle again and again. By the end of the day, Annabel had decided neither to run with Victor, nor to stop him, but watch. If his escape plane was successful, she'd probably try, too. And if not?.."

This paragraph feels long, could you cut it into two paragraphs? It is good that some words that are in italics because of the emphasis it gives. This feels very tense and painful to experience though.

"Susanne hadn't let Annabel go and rest earlier than the supper time came. They were both exhausted, but Annabel forced herself to stay awake. Now, lying on her sheets, she tried to listen to the noise from the yard that could be heard in the dormitory because some of the smaller windows were left open for the night. Victor disappeared a few minutes ago, and yet nothing had happened. Annabel's heart was pounding so loudly that she could hardly concentrate. Instead, she was listening to what the others were talking about."

You can see that Annabel is tense and uneasy in this paragraph and when she sees Victor and Elijah. She tried to calm herself down but her heart is still beating fast.

"I told you, we should have stopped him."

"No, he's right. I think I'll run, too, but later."

"You don't know what you're talking about!"

"Victor won't make it."

"Yes he will."

"Anyway, it's too late to stop him, he's probably in the yard now."

"Hey, did you hear that?"

This dialogue does not show who is talking to who. But they are planning to stop Victor onto doing something.

Annabel sat down on her blankets. From the open window far above her head she could hear dogs barking. Fear overwhelmed her; a warm wave of panic rolled over her body. People's voices started to yell, somebody whistled. Annabel thought she heard "Gotcha!", but hoped she really didn't. Some kids sprang on their feet. "Run, Victor, run!" one of them murmured. But dogs were barking so furiously, and a man shouted, "In the basement!", and somebody covered their faces with their hands.

The dialogue hear should be separated because it looks confusing again.

No, Annabel thought. Please, for Heaven's sake, let all of this be a dream.

I love this line because Annabel wished to have a good life. And she wants her life to be just a dream.

"But none of it was a dream. After a sleepless night, all children as well as adult slaves were ordered to go outside and form a circle around a wooden pole. It was the only pole in the middle of the yard, and Annabel couldn't even imagine what it was for. Maybe to tie horses or attach an announcement, but it wasn't worth the public attention, as Annabel guessed. In a few minutes after people had clustered, a few men left the house and came up to the pole. One of them was guarding Victor. The boy tried to keep dauntless, but Annabel saw a drop of panic in his eyes shine like a little dying star. He knew something awful was about to happen. Next to them stood another boy - Annabel recognized Elijah. Although he was very young, he looked serious and furious and didn't even for a second turn his gaze away from Victor, as if he was not just a watcher: he resembled a hungry hunting dog that was ready to attack at his master's command. The third man's face Annabel had never seen before. He was big and very wide, wore an expensive suit, and though his face was sort of joyful, it scared Annabel to chills. She didn't know how, but she realized that the man was nobody else but Alferdo Morr himself. In his hands, his fat neck, his face, and even in his voice as he spoke was something horrible, rude and dangerous."

The descriptions here might have given hints about the upcoming chapters but you have to cut it into two paragraphs again.

"People," he said to the crowd, "I hate admitting the fact that we have to be here right now. But those who violate my laws are to be punished, and everyone knows it. This boy," he gestured on Victor who was slightly shaking, "was caught tonight when he tried to run. Now look what happens when you dare do something like this. Elijah," Morr turned to the watcher," he's your responsibility. Do it, and do it well."

Elijah was mad. With his thick black hair that made him look like a bandit, and his angry black eyes, he was so scary that Annabel intuitively made a step back, accidentally bumping into someone. Elijah took the whip. A man tied Victor's hands to the pole; Victor was breathing deeply, trying to fight his terror, but as Elijah closed up and stood behind him, his panic grew.

Elijah's character was shown how he wants to do keep things the way they are but the people he is guarding are not doing the things he told them to do. The descriptions of how Elijah looks like when he is mad is great too.

"Please don't," he begged, but everyone around them knew it wouldn't help.

"Haven't I told you that if you try to run, you'll be punished?" Elijah growled through his teeth so quietly that Annabel could barely hear him.

"Please," Victor's voice ran weak.

"I've told you."

Elijah raised his hand and hit Victor's right leg. As the boy let out a cry of pain, some kids started wailing, women pressed their palms to their mouths. Annabel froze. There was the second hit, and the third, the fourth came right after. Elijah wouldn't stop; Victor's legs were trembling, his trousers soon got soaked with blood. He was crying. No one could help; Annabel looked around in a hope to find a fearless person to protect the boy, but people only hanged their heads low, hardly able not to shake. At last, Mr Morr came closer to the watcher and touched his shoulder.

This part shows a bit of action that I think should make the rating a bit more higher. Especially the mentioned of blood. And finally Mr Morr has appeared. I actually thought he was going to appear in the further chapters, not this early but that's okay.

"That's enough. He won't run again after this."

Elijah was wildly breathing and stretching his trembling fingers.

"He won't."

Annabel thought she just imagined things, but itseemed to her that there was terror in the watcher's eyes when he was leaving.

*it seemed. You can see that Elijah might have been over board with what he did to Victor. Great ending! Keep on writing! I want to read more about this c:

Have a wonderful day/night!

Hiya! Koco (or Coko) here for a small, informal review! Now, let's get to it!

Wow. Just wow. I've been following since chapter 1 and all I can say is that I can barely wait for what comes next! Annabel's situation is horrifying, and I hope one day she can make it out alive. I wonder what must've happened here... Is there a war happening behind the scenes? A tyrant? What could it be? I'm so excited to see what comes next.

I can feel every character's fear and desperation in every word written- kudos to you! I'm usually not disturbed much, but I do often come to think about this and wonder what's coming. I feel so bad for everyone here, (even Elijah, surprisingly. I can only wonder what made him like this. Screw Mr. Morr, though.)

Anyways, great job! I can't wait for what comes next. I'll be sure to keep coming back!
This has been Coko (or Koco), avoir, tshüss, aloha, goodbye!