Enduring Heart

KnightlyAngel09 wrote:Through every storm and shadow,
Through thunder and through rain;
Let my heart be all-enduring,
Numbed to every pain. Amazing stanza. Nice rhythm and grammar. No mistakes here.

Though blades may dare to harm it, I think instead of "dare", "try" would work better. For some reason, it makes more sense in my head.
Though tongues attack with lies;
Though the fear of heights may hinder,
It won't keep it from flight. Tsk! Flight doesn't rhyme with lies! Also, the rhythm's really off in this stanza.

Though currents change their course,
Though frightening be the trips; I don't really understand this line.
Let my heart swell with courage,
When it must board it's ship.

And if it shall falter,
And from love it shrinks away;
Let it bloom and earn the courage,
To bare itself and stay.

This is very beautiful and powerful. And I agree with Music*Potato, the first line is AWESOME!
I really think you have a gorgeous style and unique voice. I can't wait to read more of your work! Keep it up! "D

i love this poem! but, "though frightening be the trips" sounds a little awkward, and i would change" and if it shall falter" to 'and shall it ever falter' just to help the flow.. though i really like this poem! esspecially the beggining stanza! it really draws in the reader!

This is awesome. I'm not actually a poet myself. I'm more of a story writer but sometimes when I'm feeling down I write some poems to express myself. This is really good. I like the way you've written it. I'm not really picky about spelling or punctuation of anything like that and i couldn't see any of it in your poem anyway. Generally I liked the whole thing.



4.5/5



kiwiauthor

Thanks darko, June and Yent.

You already mentioned "courage". It would be better if you find another word.

Beautiful.

Hey there Angel! June here, and I'm going to review this for you.

I'm very picky about repetition in a poem, especially more than once in a stanza. Most of the time it bothers me, although it doesn't affect the message of the poem.

Not here. I totally loved your usage of repetition. It's brilliantly lovely.

Your first stanza pulled me into the poem. It flowed perfectly, and you created a smooth rhythm at the beginning that you were able to sustain throughout the entire poem.

Brilliant.

I love the imagery you use here, Angel. It's perfect in every way especially this part;

Let my heart swell with courage,

When it must board it's ship.

KnightlyAngel09 wrote:Through every storm and [s]shadow[/s],
Through [s]thunder [/s]and through rain; exchange thunder with shadow....
Let my heart be all-enduring,
Numbed to every pain.

Though blades may [s]dare to[/s] harm it,
Though tongues attack with lies;
Though the fear of heights may hinder,
It won't keep it from flight. Here you should make a rhyme with 2nd verse.

[s]Though[/s] currents change their course, Enough of "thoughs"
[s]Though frightening be the trips;[/s]
Let my heart swell with courage,
When it must board it's ship. Fxxking great.

And if it shall falter,
And [s]from love it shrinks away;[/s]
Let it bloom and earn the courage, You already mentioned "courage". It would be better if you find another word.
To bare itself and stay. Stay where???