Young Writers Society

Pin it to a rose? Now that's a nice idea. I haven't gotten to how to give it honestly. I'm still in the convincing myself I should give it stage. oh dear.

anyway, thank you once again to Stella and Brendan. Great help.

anyone else care to review? I wish this to be polished if EVER I give it you see.

its gorgeous.

i wish i knew a girl who could write something like that to a guy.

it has a rare integrity to it for a specific love poem. most of them are just full of sappy cliches that oversimplify love until it is stripped of all its complexity: it makes me angry to be honest.

you haven't drowned him in emotion either. You have held your composure and constructed it into something powerful. You have crafted it into a point sharp as diamonds, and if he has anything resembling a brain or a heart it will deliver the desired blow without any worry.

a life without fear of lost love is a life without love.. no?

go for it. fu** your inhibitions.

and in the meantime i will continue in the hope that i will recieve something like this one day.


good luck

Brendan.

p.s.. no further nit-picking required after those above me

Hey KA darling, Stella here!

I. NITPICKS

Will fade to a stolid gray.

'Til all the leaves are gone.

Thank you so much Evi. That was a lot of help.

I edited it a little, took note of your comments. I haven't edited the 2nd stanza yet though but I understand so I shall try to re-write it so it rhymes better.

Anyway, I have about a month and a half to gain courage. Prom is on either the 22nd or 23rd of March. I fear though that I will fear too much.XD

I posted this on here so that I can make this poem better but I assure you that I won't let anyone take away the poem's identity. Oh and the part where you said I better check out his vocabulary made me laugh. I didn't think of that. I'm quite sure he knows what stolid means though.XD Verdant... I'm not so sure.

Again, thank you. Your review has been a major help.

*Evi alert*

Hey Knightly Angel! I'd call you Angel, but it seems we already have so many Angels on here. Plus, Knightly makes you sound that much more impressive!

Okay, enough rambling about your name.

The rose I give will not endure, Since the title is 'this', I suggest changing the 'the' here to 'this'. Make sense?
Soon it'll wither away;
The blood red petals, once so vibrant,
Will fade to a stolid gray.

Personally, I think you should write out the contraction here as 'it will'. I understand that you were trying to eliminate that extra syllable, but it doesn't seem a problem to me. As I'm reading it, it stills flows perfectly fine, and seems more formal to go along with the 'will not'.

The verdant leaves will slowly die,
And fall off one by one;
Slowly crashing to the ground,
'Til all the leaves are gone.

I'm sure you're aware of this, but 'one' and 'gone' actually do not rhyme. I'd love to see you keep up the perfect rhyme like you had in the first stanza, and here it is off enough to make the reader stumble. In my opinion, the last sentence is too wonderful to dispose of, so I'll give you a suggestion to replace with the second.

The verdant leaves will slowly die...
A somber, faded song;
Slowly crashing to the ground
'Til all the leaves are gone.

Hmm. You don't have to use that one, but you're welcome to if you'd like. My rhyming skills seem to be lacking at the moment; here are a list of words that rhyme with 'gone' to help you along. Huh! Along rhymes, doesn't it?

Along
Dawn
Lawn
Yawn
Fawn
Drawn...and so on and so forth.


This precious rose I give to you
Will not forever bloom;
For the pretty fragile bud,
Will someday face its doom.

I love this stanza. You could possibly replace the simple word 'pretty' with 'lovely', if you like. *shrug* I just like that a teensy bit better, ya?

So I give not just a rose,
That slowly wilts and dies;
I give as well a part of me,
That lives for all of time.

Love this one too.

For though the rose's petals fall,
And though its leaves turn gray;
My heart that I will give to you,
Will never fade away.