To be given during prom if I muster enough courage. Is it good enough to be given?
---------------------------------------------
This rose I give will not endure,
Soon it will wither away;
The blood red petals, once so vibrant,
Will fade to a stolid gray.
The verdant leaves will slowly die,
And fall off one by one;
Slowly crashing to the ground,
'Til all the leaves are gone.
This precious rose I give to you
Will not forever bloom;
For the lovely fragile bud,
Will someday face its doom.
So I give not just a rose,
That slowly wilts and dies;
I give as well a part of me,
That lives for all of time.
For though the rose's petals fall,
And though its leaves turn gray;
My heart that I will give to you,
Will never fade away.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,868 Literary Works • 673,696 Reviews
Pin it to a rose? Now that's a nice idea. I haven't gotten to how to give it honestly. I'm still in the convincing myself I should give it stage.
oh dear.
anyway, thank you once again to Stella and Brendan. Great help.
anyone else care to review? I wish this to be polished if EVER I give it you see.
its gorgeous.
i wish i knew a girl who could write something like that to a guy.
it has a rare integrity to it for a specific love poem. most of them are just full of sappy cliches that oversimplify love until it is stripped of all its complexity: it makes me angry to be honest.
you haven't drowned him in emotion either. You have held your composure and constructed it into something powerful. You have crafted it into a point sharp as diamonds, and if he has anything resembling a brain or a heart it will deliver the desired blow without any worry.
a life without fear of lost love is a life without love.. no?
go for it. fu** your inhibitions.
and in the meantime i will continue in the hope that i will recieve something like this one day.
good luck
Brendan.
p.s.. no further nit-picking required after those above me
Hey KA darling, Stella here!
I. NITPICKS
I think delete "a."
You could try "'til all of them are gone." I don't know...
II. OVERALL
Aw, that was so cute
I don't have much to say. It's not too sappy, as a lot of 'love' poems are, it's just right. I reckon you should give it.
Somebody else will probably tell you the opposite, and I wish I could give more help, but I did really like it. I think you should give it -if they appreciate poetry, that is.
Sorry I didn't help much,
-Stella x
Thank you so much Evi. That was a lot of help.
I edited it a little, took note of your comments. I haven't edited the 2nd stanza yet though but I understand so I shall try to re-write it so it rhymes better.
Anyway, I have about a month and a half to gain courage. Prom is on either the 22nd or 23rd of March. I fear though that I will fear too much.XD
I posted this on here so that I can make this poem better but I assure you that I won't let anyone take away the poem's identity. Oh and the part where you said I better check out his vocabulary made me laugh. I didn't think of that. I'm quite sure he knows what stolid means though.XD Verdant... I'm not so sure.
Again, thank you. Your review has been a major help.
*Evi alert*
Hey Knightly Angel! I'd call you Angel, but it seems we already have so many Angels on here. Plus, Knightly makes you sound that much more impressive!
Okay, enough rambling about your name.
Awww! This was really sweet, and a lovely comparison that's not often used in poetry. The rose is symbolized as the beautiful flower of love, but here you turn it against love, tweak the view of roses so that it works for you. It's brilliant.
YES! This is definately good enough to be given! In fact! It's good enough to get a gold star from me! *click* But seriosuly, it shouldn't take too much courage since it's so good.
Of course, the very most important thing for you is to feel this from your heart. Having reviewers look at it is one thing, but don't let any of us shred it to bits and rework it until it isn't even yours anymore and it's just a medly of our opinions and changes. Do you hear me? I'm not suggesting that you completely disregard our comments, but make changes only when they still correspond what you're feeling for this special someone. Kay?
I strongly suggest changing the second stanza's rhyme to be a bit more like the others. You don't have to take my opinions, since rhyming isn't exactly my strong point, but you can tweak it to come up with a more perfect rhyme. It's already THIS close from being absolutely perfectly fantabulous; that's one of my only suggestions.
Now, I am so definately not dissing your true love or whoever you're writing this for, but I want to make sure that his vocabulary is up to date with yours. Yes, I know you're fifteen, which means he's probably around that age too, but a lot of fifteen year olds I know wouldn't have a clue what 'verdant' or 'stolid' mean. We're writers; it's our job to know the impressive, fany words. However, if he isn't a writer and if you don't have complete faith in his vocabulary, you could possibly substitute those words for something simpler. Maybe throw those two words in during a random conversation and see how he reacts? Perhaps?
I truly loved this. I've been searching around for something that deserves my 75th review (after this, I get my third gold star!) and I decided that this poem was more than worthy for my lowly critique. I hope this was helpful, and good luck at prom! I'll hunt you down if you don't give this to him!
~Evi
PM me if you need anything!