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Young Writers Society


12+

Together, The American Way

by KingofTheDamned


Original author: Brian Dunlap

The American way would poison us all
Better dead, who fought to a fall
To liberty bring for liberty taken
Let freedom wring for liberty taken
Given to induce the fatted calf
Nourishing growth by less than half
Swollen, bloated, unwanted babies
Hang from their cords on hazes and maybes
Depending on mother to ration her milk
Depending on father to spin her silk
Depending on brothers, if only they can
Depending on sisters to make him a man
Depending on kings to sit on their throne
Depending on queens to throw him a bone
Depending on jesters to run amok
Depending on senators chasing the buck
And all the means to an end
Will take us to what we depend
Giving breath when we need
Giving death where we breathe
Teaching to follow the day
Preaching the American way
But only he, who's every inflection
Speak truth in quiet rejection
Pushing aside the poisoned teat
Laying blame at the guilty feet
When the revolution comes
The reward for us all
Who have gathered jackals
Their backs to the wall
Judgement passed
On these blackened birds of a feather
We'll watch them die
We'll watch together

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User avatar
66 Reviews

Points: 94
Reviews: 66

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Sun Nov 24, 2013 10:53 am
Storybraniac wrote a review...



Oops sorry for that cause there was some mistakes.This poem is so good that I can't help reading it all over and over again. It has perfect rhythms an everything that a poem needs. Maybe you can be a successful poet when you grow up. Though your age is still unknown. I am trying to get as many points as I can because I can't really write anything with only 200 points. So please donate some points. And more about the poem. The poem was beautifully explained. And no grammatical mistakes or rhythm mistakes or any mistakes. Just a perfect poem. I don't really know about any people who think your poem is stupid because your poem is ok. No mistakes to me. And please donate some points. Thanks. :) :) :):):):):):):):)




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221 Reviews

Points: 1476
Reviews: 221

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Tue Nov 12, 2013 3:40 pm
Vivian says...



Tell your friend I like his poem. What's a teat?






Teat is a tit or breast.





Teat is a tit or breast.



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103 Reviews

Points: 747
Reviews: 103

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Tue Nov 12, 2013 9:12 am
anshira wrote a review...



Hi, hope you find my review informative. Firstly, I love the subject on which you' ve based your poem upon- its rather a rare one and few people care to ponder on it. Coming to the actual poem, I think it was well written and I definitely liked it. I like the way you have begun your poem- instead of beating around the bush, the very first sentence gives you the 'feel' of the poem. The ending was also very good.

The only problem I thought there was dealt with these lines:

"To liberty bring for liberty taken
Let freedom wring for liberty taken"

Read these- they dont sound right and see if you can alter it if you think I am right.

I loved all the "Depending....." lines; the repetition sounds good. The next thing i loved about you poem is your usage of adjectives and adverbs- they sound marvellous.

Overall- A well- written poem with an intereting base. Hope you have a nice day.

- Anshira






I appreciate your pointing that out. I wrote it down wrong, so here is the original lines:

"To liberty bring for liberty taken
Let freedom wring for liberty forsaken"





I appreciate your pointing that out. I wrote it down wrong, so here is the original lines:

"To liberty bring for liberty taken
Let freedom wring the liberty forsaken"



anshira says...


That sounds a lot better.





I wrote it wrong....again v.v

"Let freedom wring the free forsaken"

Thanks again for that error! :)



anshira says...


My pleasure



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363 Reviews

Points: 28237
Reviews: 363

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Tue Nov 12, 2013 6:11 am
DreamWork wrote a review...



Hi there, have a good day. Indeed, it is a good poem. It is against injustice from various angles. It's got a clear political element as well.

The American way would poison us all
Better dead, who fought to a fall
To liberty bring for liberty taken

Clearly here, all who oppose ended in vain.
I noticed here that your friend tried to give some rhythm on poem. Its seems so nice to read and enhance the poem itself. But I believe, this poem need some punctuation to 'concrete' the meanings implied within the poem. Also make it flow smoothly.
On these blackened birds of a feather

I am a bit confused with this line. What is the meaning behind?
This poem has a structured plot of story, but it is quite tough to understand by just reading once. It also has a resolution that finally end all their misery.
Overall, really great poem to read! I love some of the part in this poem. Especially this lines;
Speak truth in quiet rejection
Pushing aside the poisoned teat
Laying blame at the guilty feet

Keep writing!
Kudos, cheers :)





Okay, first of all, who names their dinner? I don't want to know my dinner's name. This potato--is this potato named Steve?
— Rick Riordan, The Sword of Summer