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18+ Mature Content

A Wet Night.

by Ken95


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for mature content.

Felicity's heart pounded heavily as the first thing her eyes met was a thick darkness the moment she regained consciousness. She heaved a sigh of relief when she felt her eyes with her fingers as she thought she'd gone blind. 

While struggling to get up, the objects on the floor made some cracking sounds when she pressed her palms against the floor for support. 

She stood up and felt a slight dizziness. 

With the flashes of events running through her mind, she was able to remember being in Victor's room and sipping some chilled Chivita exotic juice on a Friday afternoon and not having the slightest idea of where she was at the moment. 

The tempo of her heartbeats increased as she unbuttoned her pair of tight black jean trousers and dipped her fingers in her underwear hoping she could feel some wetness in her "coochie" with the thought that Victor drugged, raped, dumped and abandoned her in an unknown place. 

She was again relieved as her thoughts proved negative. Buttoning back her jeans, she felt her pockets and brought out her cell phone. She observed with the dim light on the phone's screen and her blur visions the walls and floor of the place she was in which seemed like a small abandoned room, with lots of cobwebs hanging from the ceiling. A very strong odor hit her nose this time, and she could hear the buzzes of flies. "Am I in some sort of abandoned toilet?" She thought out loud with a disgusted look on her face as she covered her nose with her palm. 

The dim light couldn't shine bright enough to get the details of the room, so she scrolled down the menu bar and switched on the phones torch app. 

Pointing the light to her front and back hoping to see doors or windows. She was only able to see a door before her and slowly walked towards it. 

The cracking sounds continued each time either of her feet stumped on objects on the floor. As the phone's light hit the floor subconsciously, she let out a short loud scream and gasped for breath while her whole body quaked uncontrollably the moment she caught sight of broken human skeletons on the floor. 

She hurriedly rushed out of the room panting heavily as she followed a pathway hoping to get out of the building and eventually seek for help, but the pathway led her to nowhere. 

Her heart beat so fast and hard as though it would rip it's chamber apart and jump out of her skin. "Calm down, this is just a dream, it's just a dream...". She said countless times, panicking and sobbing. 

As she continued to explore the building hoping to see a way out, she saw a stairway leading downstairs and hurriedly followed it. The next minute, she saw herself in what looked liked a sitting room. It was empty, except for the wall clock which hung just above the fireplace. There was a star like symbol drawn with a white substance on the floor. In its centre was a basin of what looked like a blood, surrounded by lit red candles standing on each edge of the symbol. She noticed the drops of blood falling inside the basin from above, tracing the drops, her eyes caught sight of a headless human body suspended upside down from a ceiling. Felicity screamed on top of her voice this time and tried to run up the stairs, but she noticed an exit door at her left side and hurriedly ran towards it. As she held the door knob trying to unlock it, a hand firmly placed a chloroform handkerchief on her face from behind and she passed out. 

Some much moments later, she was awake. Her mouth was duct taped and her whole body suspended horizontally from a ceiling in a different room, with her hands and legs tightly bounded with a rope. 

Just below her suspended body were whirling blades which kept getting close to her body each second. Her suspended body dangled like a pendulum ball each time she struggled, her voice muffled while trying to scream for help. The tight black jean she wore was soaked up in her own urine out of fear. 

While she continued to struggle and muffle, she heard an eerie voice calling out her name subtly, she paused and paid attention to it. 

The voice got louder and closer as she felt someone tapping her laps. "Felicity! Felicity! Feli..., what is wrong with you girl!? Jesus Christ!!!"

Felicity's elder sister exclaimed feeling irritated as her night wear has been partly drenched in Felicity's urine. 

Felicity woke up sweating profusely on a cold night!


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Thu Oct 15, 2020 12:10 pm
IcyFlame wrote a review...



Hello!
A spooky story fit for Halloween month - I love it! I like that you've kept this relatively short, as I find horror can often be conveyed through a more simplistic style of writing and the length indicates you've thought carefully about what to write.

So I'm going to go through and pull out some things that stood out for me whilst reading and then I'll give you my overall thoughts on the piece at the end.

Felicity's heart pounded heavily as the first thing her eyes met was a thick darkness the moment she regained consciousness. She heaved a sigh of relief when she felt her eyes with her fingers as she thought she'd gone blind.

Both these sentences are quite long to be used at the beginning of this piece, and that makes them feel a bit clunky. I like the imagery and the premise but just feel the wording could be changed up to make it flow better.

She stood up and felt a slight dizziness.

Try to show rather than tell. Instead of telling us she felt dizzy, maybe her head throbs or she wobbles a little? It all helps to build up a picture in the reader's head. If you're interested in reading more about show vs tell, there's a great article herethat is definitely worth a read!

With the flashes of events running through her mind, she was able to remember being in Victor's room and sipping some chilled Chivita exotic juice on a Friday afternoon and not having the slightest idea of where she was at the moment.

Again, describe these flashes of events to us!

with the thought that Victor drugged, raped, dumped and abandoned her in an unknown place.

That's quite a stretch for the reader, seeing as we know nothing about his character and don't have much information about the events leading up to this.

Buttoning back her jeans, she felt her pockets and brought out her cell phone

Interesting that she still has it with her, maybe that means she got there on her own as if she had been kidnapped surely they would have thought to take her phone?

"Am I in some sort of abandoned toilet?" She thought out loud with a disgusted look on her face as she covered her nose with her palm.

There should be a new paragraph here.

The cracking sounds continued each time either of her feet stumped on objects on the floor. As the phone's light hit the floor subconsciously, she let out a short loud scream and gasped for breath while her whole body quaked uncontrollably the moment she caught sight of broken human skeletons on the floor.

Now that's quite a big reveal, and your first really scary moment! But because of the structure of the sentence, it takes away the scary element. I would try more like this:
'As the phone's light hit the floor, she let out a short loud scream and gasped for breath while her whole body quaked uncontrollably. The floor was covered in broken human skeletons.'
Also, I've removed the 'subconsciously' as phones don't have a subconscious (I hope!) :)

Calm down, this is just a dream, it's just a dream...". She said countless times, panicking and sobbing.

She hasn't mentioned thinking it was a dream before, why now?

Some much moments later, she was awake. Her mouth was duct taped and her whole body suspended horizontally from a ceiling in a different room, with her hands and legs tightly bounded with a rope.

Just below her suspended body were whirling blades which kept getting close to her body each second. Her suspended body dangled like a pendulum ball each time she struggled, her voice muffled while trying to scream for help. The tight black jean she wore was soaked up in her own urine out of fear.

While she continued to struggle and muffle, she heard an eerie voice calling out her name subtly, she paused and paid attention to it.

The voice got louder and closer as she felt someone tapping her laps. "Felicity! Felicity! Feli..., what is wrong with you girl!? Jesus Christ!!!"

Felicity's elder sister exclaimed feeling irritated as her night wear has been partly drenched in Felicity's urine.

Felicity woke up sweating profusely on a cold night!

This whole last section feels very rushed. I understand that she was only dreaming, but it feels like you've ended it a bit abruptly. If possible, I'd actually remove the part about it being obviously a dream and leave the reader speculating. Dreams are often overdone, and I think that it really takes away from the horror element.

Overall this was good for a first draft, but needs some editing. Watch your pace, and make sure to show rather than tell as this will get your reader much more invested in your characters as it's easier to get absorbed into the story!

Hope this was helpful :)

Icy




Ken95 says...


Thank you so much!



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Fri Oct 09, 2020 11:11 am
Staphsendingmenoodles wrote a review...



Hey Hey, I'm Staphsendingmenoodles, you can call me Noodles, only if you want to. I am going to be your reviewer/critiquer for today! Today I will be critiquing the emotion, the scenery, the detail, and the grammar within your chapter today. I love reading horror, I'm kind of a horror fanatic sometimes, so I tend to try to go on a binge of watching horror movies, kill counts, or hearing/reading creepypasta stories from time to time. But that's enough about me! Off to the critique!

--

"While struggling to get up, the objects on the floor made some cracking sounds when she pressed her palms against the floor for support." This seems to be typed wonky also it could be pair with your introduction. What I would've typed is: Felicity struggled to get up, the floor creaked as she pressed her hand against it while pulling herself up. She pressed herself against the wall, using it as a leverage of keeping her balance. Felicity felt fatigue, but it didn't stop her mind from running and showing her past events. She remembered being in Victor's room and sipping chilled Chivita exotic drink." Mmm, the Friday afternoon part doesn't seem to be needed within this paragraph, but right now I am going through a writer's block so what I typed might've made the whole scene worse in a way. I can't tell, but you can so I may be wrong. Ignore this part of the critique if I am wrong.

"She was again relieved as her thoughts proved negative. Buttoning back her jeans, she felt her pockets and brought out her cell phone. She observed with the dim light on the phone's screen and her blur visions the walls and floor of the place she was in which seemed like a small abandoned room, with lots of cobwebs hanging from the ceiling. A very strong odor hit her nose this time, and she could hear the buzzes of flies. "Am I in some sort of abandoned toilet?" She thought out loud with a disgusted look on her face as she covered her nose with her palm. " This could be worded and detail better, I want to feel the creepiness that Felicity is feeling, I also want to feel the confusion. To make it more scarier I tend to go overboard in a way, but I be wrong so you can keep it the same.

I tend to read and watch a lot of horror movies so I go overboard with my details like I said before anyway that's really what I have to say. I like the story, its very unique. Can't wait the second chapter.

-Noodles




Ken95 says...


Thank you.
Will that be all? If there are other things you need to point out kindly do. It'll be much appreciated.

Again, thanks a lot




You have light and peace inside you. If you let it out, you can change the world around you.
— Uncle Iroh, Avatar the Last Airbender