I received his call the day before,Hey there ken95.
One of the first things I would recommend is getting rid of the image at the start of the work. I know that a lot of writers like to supplement their piece of writing with a picture to try and give it a fuller effect. I however, have never seen a scenario where that worked out correctly and it's certainly not working out here.
If you are a fan of keeping it (since you must have liked it in the beginning), you would have to give credit to wherever you found it. I don't know if it's an original creation but if it's not, make sure to give credit where credit is due.
I received his call the day before,
we agreed to meet today by four.
He said "come alone don't come with a friend",
I wasn't sure but I came alone at the end.
At last, I was finally at his place,
the room was dark, I could barely see his face.
We exchanged greetings, I gave him the apple I bought,
this time I was nervous, sweating like someone that fought.
He placed his hand on my lap,
I tried to make him remove his hand anytime it made a way to that gap.
Soon power was restored, I saw his eyes, they were all red,
I was about to get up but he threw me on his bed.
He'd hit me each time I tried to resist,
hitting me so hard with his fist.
He made his way through me, I was all torn to pieces,
Soon he was done,there I lay hopelessly on his bed like a divorced Missus.
I cried for help but nobody heard my cry,
I thought of taking my own life but all I did was try.
I lay on the tracks but there came no trains,
Just me,my blood and my pains.
I just copied the text down here so it would be easier for me to point to. This work surprised me a little bit. You had it listed as a short story but the formatting suggested it might have been poetry, which is why I went ahead an arranged it in a more poetic fashion. I think you need to have stanzas to get the message across right and I assembled them into couplets. That's just a formatting thing to tweak with.
The second thing that suggests poetry over a short story, is definitely the rhyme scheme. An issue with your rhyme scheme is that it feels really forced and there's definite spots that point to this. Such as when you extend the line further than it should be for the sake of keeping the rhyme in the mood of the others. That happens way too often than it should be for this short amount of time.
The next thing to discuss is of course the message, which is about rape. So obviously a very painful subject to convey through poetry but I'm not really seeing much emotion on this end. I've heard this message and this metaphor many times before, so I'm not really attracted to the poem in any way.
The poem you have is a work in progress but most poems are. You might want to focus on narrowing down your voice and speaking more through the imagery, which is currently just falling flat. It's a series of mistakes to fix instead of just one line that needs change.
You're still in progress of finding a lot of your poetic style.
Good luck.
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If you have any questions, just ask.
- lizz
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