The lights turned on, and for the briefest moment I saw a raccoon, a wolf, and a cat as black as night. The wolf, I realized, was the werewolf. You could tell by the way it transformed; with a flash of light while you could see the bones and muscle re-shaping themselves on the other two. The raccoon reshaped into a pale girl with black hair, kind of like snow white, only prettier (and not as skinny). The cat reformed into a teenage cowboy with stubble. And the werewolf turned into a young man with blonde hair, green eyes, and was dressed in the usual jeans and a T-shirt. My wings shrank back into my back. Thus bringing attention to my bat-like appearance. Then the girl started running throughout the room screaming "Vampire! Vampire!" The cowboy said in a southern accent "She ain't no Vamp, I don't see no teeth!" And then my fangs shrank back into my mouth and that was received by a bought of screaming from two mutants. Then the wolf-guy stared at a sheet of paper and stifled a laugh. He said in a quite convincing voice; "She isn't a vampire, she is a mutation of the classic Pteropodidae, Megabat. They stared at him blankly. He gestures as if we should know "The common fruit bat." They trusted him enough to leave me, uneasily, but they did.
I was quite impressed, even I didn't know that. Then he gestured for me. I came up to him and he showed me a sheet of paper. Duh, he had gotten every single detail about what to expect. I stifled a laugh. It even had all the scientific names for my mutation on it. He held out his hand for me to shake.
"Hi I'm Fang"
I shook his hand, he seemed nice enough. I stuttered when I said my name like I always do when I meet someone during the day.
"N-N-N-Nocta"
He cocked his head.
"Now that's odd, on the papers it says that your name is Ranel, Nocta"
Now I giggled.
"That's how the government does things silly"
"So, Ranel is your last name?"
"Yep, fitting too because if you put it together is makes the likes of Nocturnal."
Now he was the one who chortled.
"Well Nocta, welcome to the army"
As he waved away his hand I saw two mutants, playing Poker on a communicator, gambling over other peoples secrets.
"Hello" I said waving to the two, the coon-girl screamed.
"What's wrong?" I said running to her.
She screamed again.
"Ye s'prised 'er, when she feels an emoti'n, it is ec'entuated about a million times what you or I feel."
I patted her on the back, she laughed like a madwoman now. I guess I will have to get used to it, but for now I don't think anyone will mind if I'm a little apprehensive. As soon as my escort left the room, the lights were turned off, and the only light was produced by the transformation of Fang. Then My wings grew, and the raccoon explained that her name was Zora, and that when the lights were off, they played a game in which you tried to escape capture by Fang, now I knew why there were so many handholds in the wall, it was so that everyone could climb away. Fang lunged for me and I flew away just in time. I found it quite funny when he jumped up and missed my foot by mere inches, so I pretty much teased him. This went on for hours, I could hear the others in the background yawning because his focus was on me. Then I realized something: he was testing my talent. I grew tired of my toes being an inch from a wolf's mouth. So I flew up to the ledge, and right before I drifted off to sleep, the lights were turned on.
Slightly annoyed, I raised my head, food had been passed under the doorway. A whole bowl of oranges were provided for me. I took it without a word. I also found that a hammock had been put up right next to the ceiling for me. A shiver passed down my spine as I remembered my first experience with a hammock. I had fallen out onto pavement, and busted my chin open. This was before they had developed the ray-heal, so I had eight stitches. The scar remained. I shrank back onto the ledge. While Zora took her place in a tree, and Fang resting at it's feet. The cat; Bandit gestured toward the ledge and said "I'm sorry, b't I need ma ba'ed." I flew away. I asked Zora for a branch of her tree for the night, she agreed, eyeing my hammock. I perched on the branch, then slipped, and I was up-side-down. The position made me sleep like a stone, and I never fell.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Heya, me again!
Cat turning into a cowboy, and racoon into a girl? Why you no follow the reader's expectation? Joke, I like it this way.
Werevolf seems like a cool guy. I actually haven't noticed the 'Nocturnal' thing (well Nocta was nuff for me), so that is rather smart and fun, and it will make many readers giggle for not noticing it).
I can't decide if I like the name of this chapter. Why? Becouse for the 'insane asylum' I would expect something bloody and evil, wicked and disgusting, and not a cowboy and blondie boy werewolf. But that's also why I actually liked it.
They are kinda like kids, ain't they?
Well for the end, the way Nocta took her sleep position was cute.
-Alchemist
Hey there! Cricket here to review another one of your totally amazing works!!
So how about I just dissect a paragraph for you again.....
Well...I'm going to just put my thoughts on your paragraphing into a spoiler and then focus on some other stuff. OK?
Spoiler
OK, now I know I sound like a broken record...BUT...*takes deep breath* paragraphs are three to five sentences. Forming one idea. So try and split them up, OK?
Anway....on to some other stuff...
Kay, now this description I don't think will really work. Maybe you could say something like she reminded you of Snow White (always cap a name) with her black hair and pale skin. Or something like that. Just so that the reader gets the gist of it all.
Comma after "Hi" and period after "Fang". End of a sentence right?
Now with this I just noticed something fairly important, but not overly. "He cocked his head" should really be in front of the dialogue. Its part of formatting your dialogue is all. So try to do that. And "Now I giggled" should be the same way. OK?
OK, that's it! Hope I helped!! oohhh, and tell me when you post another chapter. Please???!!!
You definitely made an improvement in terms of length in this one, which is great. I think the chapters could still stand to be a little longer, but this was absolutely a step in the right direction. It was also great to have some dialogue in here, which was more or less natural in most places, but I would suggest you look up proper speech grammar, as it's a bit patchy in places. Furthermore, I think that this line:
Is too difficult to read. I appreciate that you're probably trying to convey an accent, but you could have written it out normally, then added that the character spoke in a thick accent.
Some of the paragraphs here are very long, and I would recommend splitting them into a couple of separate paragraphs. Also, you slip out of past tense a couple of times, which would be good to avoid.
My biggest piece of advice for this chapter is that I would rather learn more about the characters of these new people than what they look like, or what animals they turn into in the night. The same could be said about Nocta, to be honest. We know a tiny little bit about the characters of Nocta and Fang, but no one else, and not that huge character development. I think it would be shaping up as a great story if you followed through with some character arcs.
Hi, Kelpies. My name is Pinkie. I like to review your story.
To say, I really like it. It is so interesting! I enjoyed how you explained the details in this story. I am really enjoyed it very much! You are a talented writer that I ever read. I hope that you write more. I like to read more stories from you.
Keep writing! This is the great story that you ever wrote.
This was your reviewer, pinkie. And these are your review.
Thanks! So far I have written a book, I Never Thought, I spent almost a year on it. And the two chapters previous to this one.
The hammock incident, is real. I still wear the scar.
And by real, I don't mean the story, I mean REAL.