As the dark set in, I stayed on the porch, staring at the wall. The wall surrounded our city, and protected us from the unknown. I forgot to introduce myself; I am Nocta Ranel. And this is my story of being discovered. The dark was all the way here now, I knew what was coming next. A tingling sensation passed through my spine as my wings sprouted. And my mouth went numb as fangs grew from my canines. I am not a vampire if that is what you are thinking. I am a bat girl, a mutant. Mutations found our way into our gene pool when some maniac invented a serum that accelerated any abnormal senses, like, echolocation for example. But this time was different, there was a mutant patrol car, and the lights were focused on me.
The woman came out of the car; I was in more trouble than I thought. She was the leader of the recruitment agency. I was doomed, I could see it now; EXTRA! EXTRA! READ ALL ABOUT IT! Nocta Ranel is bat girl! Joins night division! EXTRA! EXTRA! And as the woman came out, she plastered a number on my arm, and when it came off the tattoo said:
#31759 Night division
Great, there is no hope for me, I am going to die fighting whatever it was that was out there. I didn't even have time to say goodbye.
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139,359 Literary Works • 672,540 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
OKayy...a lot happening in that first chapter there...almost a touch too much there..you want to try and potentially split this one into a couple of parts cause on hand it looks like this is trying to be a tense start to a story with a building sense of tension but its also trying to provided some background about the world...and its not succeeding in doing both of those at the same time here.
Okay...well that was kind of sudden...but I think its clear enough to decipher that this person just got recruited into whatever mysterious agency is mentioned here and said agency is going to send them out to fight whatever deadly things lie in the great unknown darkness beyond....at least that was the gist what I got there....and well, its a pretty interesting premise here. The way that we've got a sense of almost a newspaper headline there towards the end seems to indicate this is prolly what this person imagines being announced to the world which adds a bit more mystery to things here.
Well, a bit of a chilling ending there, it sounds like a bit of a realization or almost resignation on the part of this person as they seem to realize they'd be sent out to what is almost certain death without even a chance to properly say goodbye to their loved ones. A pretty powerful ending there aand well, this does seem like the sort of story where I would continue reading here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hello, I'm here to do the review for you!
I like it how you managed make a solid worldbuilding in only a few sentences. And it is all written in a first prison, from a perspective of a young girl, and it seems fit.
Now there is obviously one problem here. It's lenght. This won't work out as a novel, if that was your initial plan. But that's not a bad thing, and I have idea for you, unless that was your initial plan. This is actually really good. Breaking the chunks of text with "#31759 Night division" and centered "darkness....." is wonderful and unusual. You should aim for this to be something like a collection of Flash fiction about Nocta Ranel. It varies from 300 to 1000 words usualy. I really think you got the knack for it.
I liked this, please keep on writing whatever the way you decide to!
-Alchemist
As others have said, this is quite short, and I would recommend trying to make this each chapter longer, otherwise it will start to feel rushed. I did quite like it though. I quite liked the contrast between the conversational tone and the surreal subject matter.
You have a fairly consistent problem with run on sentences, for example in:
I'm not sure how to explain how run on sentences work, but you can look it up, and it ties into the usage of semicolons in this piece. Furthermore, you start a couple of sentences with 'but' or 'and,' which would normally be bad practice, but it might well be excusable due the the narrative tone.
I'd also recommend that you start a new paragraph with
If you had written more here, I think that I would have been nice to tell us more about who Nocta is, and maybe a bit about her relationships with others. These details would give more meaning to the lines where she's mentioned in the papers, or when she says goodbye. Who's she saying goodbye to?
Thanks! My chapters have gotten longer since. By chapter three it has at least tripled in size.
So I saw you said this was meant to be fuzzy, but honestly, I feel you could make it a bit fuzzier XD I know you probably weren't expecting someone to say that, but Sushi has arrive XD If you make it fuzzier things will seem more purposeful and the readers will stop questioning you, plus it would flow a little better that way.
The way you wrote this was... interesting to say the least. You do a lot of jumping from subject to subject which I assume was part of your attempt to make this fuzzy, but you still need to be organized. You can let questions arise and all, but organization is key.
Also, you do a lot of telling in this piece. Obviously most stories are telling, but they are also showing, consisting of imagery in the most important scenes. I feel that if you added more imagery and less telling it would help add the fuzzy element to your piece. Obviously, if you go this route, you'll have to be very careful to not bore the reader but also make sure they're not too confused. If you do go this route then I wish you luck.
I can't say much about your plot since nothing much has happened here, maybe extending this a bit would be good in the future so that you can develop plot a little easier in the reader's mind. Other than that this was pretty good! Just fix up what I suggested and I'll review it again if you want me to ^^
Sushi
Well chapter two is here! Just wanted to say that.
Yeah, I realized that after I posted this XD Then I kinda realized that I had just done a bit of reviewing and it was like, midnight XD I'll get to that soon ^^
Hai! Welcome to YWS, Laure here for a review! So, first off I found this chapter quite funny especially withe extra, extra part. Sounded like the woman was selling bread or something. This was quite interesting, despite the narrative style in which you have chosen to tell it in. A bat girl, hmm, that is something quite new, I'm quite interested in where this story goes.
Alright, let's get on with some tweaking.
'Staring at the wall. the wall...' Alright, so the wall is repeated there and I really don't think is necessary since it just weights your chapter that. If you placed a preposition such as which there, it would have worked as well and is more concise.
'I forgot to introduce myself.' -> Do we need to know that, not really? You could have gone onto just Notca introducing herself on a new paragraph. Saying she forgot doesn't quite set the right mood for this chapter.
Then, I would like to question the logic and the sequential events that followed. When you said the dark was all the way here, was that the start of Nocta's tale? If so, you should either start a new paragraph and italicized it or you tell the reader that it is the start do her tale. Otherwise, it just all jumbles up. The transformation, I would have liked a bit more information on that, like how did Nocta feel inside as she transformed? Physically, was their any pain? I mean wings did sprout from her back, what did they look like? You tend to leave out all these details, describe them to us so that the readers get a vivid image of what is happening is very important.
'I could see it now,' The way you wrote this seemed like it was going to happen like in the future, or as if she is imagining it but when in fact she isn't. So you might want to rephrase that.
The same with how the woman broadcasted it, I mean would a recruitment agency really talk like that? It seems a bit strange to me....also for the ending, why isn't there any hope, what didn't she had time to say goodbye to?
Overall, I feel as if this chapter is merely a skeletal of your plot or what is going to happen. This seems more like a synopsis than a chapter to me, but then, it may is how you have chosen to write this. And that is in a straightway narrative way with minimal imagery. If that is your choice, then so be it. But I will say it here, that this story had a lot of potential but we need details, and imagery to make it come alive.
Sorry if I was blunt, hoped I helped.
-Laure
It is a bit fuzzy I'll admit, but it will be that way for a while. As the plot unfolds, you will learn more about this utopian enviroment she has to survive. And the announcer for the EXTRA! EXTRA! Is just a random person. Thanks for the review!
Hey there! Cricket here for a review!!!
WELCOME TO YWS!! Cool avatar by the way...I want one like that.
WOW, I've never reviewed a chapter this short before! Nice for a change actually...
So with me I always start with nitpicking and the like, so bear with me..OK?
NITPICKS!!!
So my problem here was that even though you have a good beginning with your idea and all, I think you started it off way to fast. There isn't much description and I didn't really have a good picture in my head of what everything looked like. I like your name for her though!! It sounds really cool and quite original.
Paragraph should be split is all.
Maybe a little re-wording? Maybe...But this time it was different? Just think it sounds better is all.
Say goodbye to who? Maybe a little clarifying on that point would be good.
hehe, as a science nut, I love those big words that rarely make sense to anyone but the scientist. lol, nice work!
Do these mutant control cars look different? Or do they look like normal police cars? Maybe some description on that point would be good.
Maybe I'm missing something..., but I'm wondering what the leader of the entire recruitment agency is doing, personally coming after one mutant? I might be missing something though...
OK, I'm done nitpicking!!!
hmmm, so from what I've seen you are trying a twist on a vampire story....That's excellent. I can't tell you how many works I've read on here, and are vampire and have turned out the same. So you are applying a twist to it. AWESOME WORK WITH THAT!! Think original. That's the key to success!!
heheh, bat girl? Never heard of one of those..I love it!
Anyway, tell me when you post next! I totally want to keep reading and hopefully reviewing!
Just saying, this chapter is supposed to be fuzzy. But ok. And you find this avatar under something like writer suggested. Will make new chapters!
oh, OK. Well tell me when you post next. Give me a ping or post on my wall!!
ok
Chapters two and three are out!
ooohhh, yes. I'll do my best to review them!