I knew this day would come sooner or later; so why not now? I was going to join the mutant army, I was never going to see my family or friends again, I was most likely going to die, and they expected me to be thankful? I doubt that anyone who was recruited for the mutant army ever was. It was supposed to be an honor to fight for our society, but once you're enlisted, you never see things the same again. No one knew anything about the night division; everyone was asleep. But we knew that any mutant that had night talents was put there. Rumor had it that a werewolf (and yes, that is a creature not a mutant) that had defected from the other side of the wall and joined the night division out of good will! But no one was sure. Curiosity nagged at the edge of my mind, I wondered who else was in my grouping, maybe I would meet the werewolf! I was given three tests by the Lab-man (and yes, in this century scientists are called lab-men)
1. Fighting skills; they wanted to make sure that I would last the week.
2. Testing if I were actually a mutant; I obviously passed this test.
3. The hardest to succeed in; mental fitness. In this test they figured out my greatest fears, and pretty much all about how I feel emotionally.
I would be bananas to flunk this test; my life depended on it. No one that ever went to the recruitment office ever came back. In this lab, there was enough information to split the world in half. So what did they do when someone saw it all and didn't go to the army? Brainwashing is way too expensive, so they just kill them. Luckily, I passed. They lead me to the room and I was met with.......
Darkness.
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139,350 Literary Works • 672,540 Reviews
Heya! Here for the quick review.
Once again, using the numbering in a story is really unusual but it suits your flash-fiction style. I think your MC is not even a grown up person, given her thinking (mostly about meeting a werewolf), if it was intended it is really good. I'm able to depict everything else pretty good and it's quite amazing.
I believe you really know what you're doing with this. Night division sounds awesome, and I like how the administration is rather effective in forming it. Now, I'm only left wondering what do they fight against... mutants vs creatures? Not sure if that was the point of the werewolf thing.
Anyway, enjoyable read, keep on writing!
-Alchemist
I'm not going to focus on grammar too much, since a book could tell you that as easily as me. However, in this chapter and the last you do overuse semicolons, and you don't use them entirely correctly. I would recommend that you look up proper semicolon usage. Furthermore, at the end of the chapter, I would strongly suggest not using more than three dots in ellipses (...). It comes across as very unprofessional.
I did like this chapter, and it's an interesting world you've built here. Nonetheless, you rushed through this chapter, and if you'd taken your time more we could have found out more about this world, and that would have been great. You could have spent a good long time on the test, telling us how exactly Nocta got through it.
Also, I thought that it was pretty unrealistic for Nocta to point out that scientists had been renamed lab-men, since she surely wouldn't know that they used to be called scientists. Also, maybe lab-men wouldn't be the best name, maybe you could thing of something more natural. Although, maybe people's taste in names is different this century. What about the lab-women though?
Yea, I'm still making the world.
So because this is short I thought why not just review this now! Plus, if I put this off it will never get done. There's still this chapter that I promised to review for someone like, half a year ago :S Still haven't done that, I even liked the plot of it DX Well, I'm here now u.u
So you call these chapters, but even I, who write amazingly short prologues (most of the time), must say this is too short to be called a chapter. Mostly it just seems like an incomplete thought that needs finishing. You know how sometimes you get those "sentences" that Word likes to call fragments? This is the chapter version of a fragment, you just stopped too suddenly.
As for you using this as a beginning to the story, I figured that you would start back earlier in the plot and explain a bit of what was happening before, but you just jump right in to this word. If you create a completely different world you have to ease into it slowly, if you start right off the bat then the reader will get lost along the way and won't be able to enjoy what they're reading. Start slower and add more details as to what this world is like.
I notice you do what some people may call name dropping, just listing things and creatures and the like to get interest. You did this when you went on about werewolves and it just seemed random. It may not seem that way to you, but that's how it came across to me in the end.
Your flow needs some work, I saw there was some grammar used incorrectly, such as the semicolon, that should be used when you could have divided a sentence in two but didn't. Look that up a bit more to figure out the more detailed parts of its job.
I realize this is really harsh, and I apologize for that! Sadly, it's also almost midnight again XD Your plot seems interesting, but you really need to add more before I can really say anything at all about a plot. Try and develop your voice a little more in this story, I hear it slightly and it's pretty good, I just want to hear a little more.
Other than all of this, it was pretty good. Keep up the good work and just fix some of the things that I listed. Obviously it won't be perfect, ever, but that's fine! Even the published authors have their flaws u.u Good luck with your plot! If you want any more reviews or you want to PM me and clarify what you meant or just discuss your story feel free to! See ya around.
Sushi